You Gotta Have Friends

Today, Gina and I went on a morning walk. I'm not sure she knows how meaningful it was for me that she even asked me, but I'm just so glad she did. I feel myself turning a corner in my walk, and am feeling pretty vulnerable because of it. But I am also feeling more inspired and more hopeful. My life has become so much less stressful, and could become even less stressful if I live it right. So for friends to be coming out of the woodwork and letting me know they care, well, it just makes me feel better about this journey, that I won't be alone.

And of course, our walk and talk had meaning. I've been feeling a bit like a freak in my faith, like I'm the only one who struggles, who has fears and walls being put up. But the more I admit my shortcomings, the more I realize that I am definitely not alone in feeling this way. And I realize even more that we all need hand holding during this time, friends who are there to encourage us when we are flailing, and let us know that we are not failures or feel ashamed for having these feelings. I've seen how easy it is to fall back on the world, become more like "them" when spirituality becomes too hard. I became ashamed, and decided it was easier to turn away than to be redeemed. But when friends aren't judgmental, when they accept you as you are, then it suddenly becomes easier to shed your former life day by day.

After all, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

Yes, it's cliche now, but I need to engrave it in my heart. Jesus does not hate me, he loves me. He does not hold my wrongs against me. He wants me to rid myself of my wrongs, but he accepts me as his daughter even with them. And I've realized this, but many have not.

And this is where it all comes together. TRIBE is starting up again this Friday, and Gina got me really excited about it. TRIBE itself is at a crossroads, and I can't wait for us to make it what it's supposed to be. TRIBE is an ever-growing group of us at that after college stage, and our purpose is not only to fellowship about the Lord, but to support each other in our walks and to reach out to the community. And in our beginning plans, we are preparing to make it just that. We are already talking about community services we could perform, and new ideas on how to make this group more inspirational than ever. And I can't wait to be a part of this and see how it turns out. And on a personal note, I know that this is exactly the boost I needed, to get me excited again in my faith and feel like I have some purpose here. And that to keep going in the direction you're going, you gotta have friends.

Freedom and the Single Girl

Confused single girl, that is!

Today I attended a pretty inspirational seminar for ministry leadership. It was powerful for me for many reasons, but mostly because I have been on what's called the "decline" in my faith. I was feeling burnt out, and angry that now that I am "free", I still am being so-called "held back" in my living because I am a Christian. I knew I was supposed to be one person, and I felt pulled to be another, and the tug of war resulted in me turning away from being a Christian in my actions. I justified this by telling myself and God that this was only temporary. I was trying on hats and seeing how they fit. And while it felt freeing to do anything I wanted, I still felt miserable and lost.

I stopped going to church and any religious activities during this "vacation". To attend these things would have multiplied the guilt tenfold. I felt like a hypocrite at church, and stopped feeling the passion. And you know what happened during this time? I changed. I became pessimistic. My mouth became dirty. I had an angry demeanor. I wasn't as polite as I used to be. Everything looked a little more bleak. A lot of this I didn't even notice until my mom pointed it out to me this morning. Even though my family does not attend church with me, she was pleased to know I was going to this seminar today because of how negative I've been lately.

Being there was inspiring. We read the story about David and Goliath, but focused on the characteristics of Saul and David. And we were to look for things about us we saw. I saw negatives about me. Many negatives. I am not patient in the Lord's time, constantly wanting to do things in my time. This is in relationships I've had, and in my life direction in general. My impatience results in me being knocked back down and having to start all over again, sometimes creating even more work for myself than I began with. I am focusing on the wrong priorities. I have been obeying the world instead of the Lord. A big red flag was on what my reactive response is. I have NONE. I think I've become too callous and unfeeling. Sometimes I have even felt like emotions aren't real, or even attention seeking. What?!? How many times have I been stroked by some caring friend in my time of need? I cannot recall too many times recently that I have done the same for someone else. This was a hard *gulp* on my part, and made me feel pretty ashamed.

One thing that I really received an epiphany on was how I even got to be there at that seminar today. Someone had taken notice of my absences and called me yesterday. And even though I informed this person that I wasn't going, she made it eventually impossible to not go by curing all the reasons that might have prevented my presence. I finally promised her I would go. This morning, I dreaded my decision, and even came a little late. But once everything started, I felt that I was in the right place.

My epiphany is, there are many people besides me who are struggling with their walk. The very first sign is neglecting their church and/or homegroup life. Have I noticed anyone at my own church or homegroups suddenly not going? Sure I have. Have I ever just called that person when I noticed their absence? No. I have not. There are some people out there that have turned away from the church in their confusing walk, saw that nobody even cared, and just kept on walking away towards a life without God. And I had the power to change that. We all do. And it's as simple as a phone call and a "hey, I missed you the other day. How's it going?" And then LISTENING to them.

Our walk with Christ is only as meaningful as what we put into it. It is not an easy ride. It is not even comfortable sometimes. But sometimes when we leap way out of our comfort zone, it's when we feel the most rewards. I am climbing out of my decline, and sweeping my path. But this shake-up was just what I needed, to feel something horrible that I can take with me and create something positive out of. Now I am truly free.

Am I normal?

I'm having this moment in my life where I am wondering what I'm doing. Am I on the right path? Do I really have the answers? Is this it? I am constantly worried about if I'm good enough, and see myself as a failure in God's eyes because I refuse to be faithful enough. And then I feel angry because this is the time I finally get to be me, to be free and live life to the fullest. And then it's almost like Christianity stands in my way. And part of me is pumping her fist in the air, saying "right on girl, life is supposed to be lived," and the other part is scared to even feel that way. And I want it all. I want to love Jesus. I want Jesus to love me. And I want to enjoy life. And I don't want to feel guilty about it. And I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way, that the life chosen for him was too much of a burden for him, and it would be so much easier to just melt into the world and be "normal".

Gone for a week

Not that I've been writing here much anymore, but I just wanted to give a heads up that I will be gone for the next week. And then for many weekends after that. This is my busiest month! Tomorrow I leave for summer camp with my daughter. It's the same camp I went to when I was a kid, out in Angwin, CA. Now she's going, and I'm so old I get to be an adult chaperone. Yes, there are people naive enough to trust me with their children. MUWHAHAHA! Besides not being fully packed up, I am ready to go, and I'll be gone until Friday. I'm not fully looking forward to sleeping on those hard planks, but it's still a fun way to spend a week. For us grown-ups, it's wonderful to hang out and gossip after the kids are in bed.

Lucas is staying home with his dad, and then with my dad, and while I'll miss him, I will be able to catch up on my sanity. Poor kid has been really testing his limits these last two weeks. My absence this next week is not going to help things, but at least I will have regained some patience to deal with it properly. I've just found out that his wonderful father, who I would never think any bad thoughts about, is not setting limits with him, and instead leaving it on the GF's shoulders to do so. Lovely. After camp I will be setting the appointment for co-parent counselling, since he hasn't done so yet. Then we can nip that in the bud.

Anyway, have a safe 4th, and a wonderful week!

My little artist

Today I got a picture that my 4 year old son had painted at preschool. First off, my son is usually too busy at school to do any kind of artwork. He is usually building cities out of blocks, knocking down cities of other kids' blocks, or on a time-out. But lately he's been discovering his artistic side. Today I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted blue. It was a dinosaur. I knew this because it was labeled "dinosaur". It was rather good. While other kids made a blue blob on their papers and called them dinosaurs, he colored the whole paper blue. The other day I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted white. Yes, you guessed it. He painted me a snowstorm. My son is an artist.

Unfortunately, my son is also quite possessive of his art. He gives me the art, but then wants to hold onto it. Then he won't give it back. Soon, his art has learned how to fly. Eventually, his art becomes ripped. Then my son becomes frustrated and throws his art away. It is very hard to get some of his pieces of art and put them away for future viewings (i.e. blackmail). But I guess I can only have so many pieces of paper with one color of paint covering it completely.

I will say, he has become really good at drawing people. While he is still trying to master paint, he has become quite skilled at capturing my likeness with a crayon. Of course, his interpretation of me might be different from others, as my ass is coming out of the back of my head. I know this, because my arms and legs are also coming out of my head. And my hair stands straight up sometimes. But my stick arms have very long fingers. I think he thinks I am a piano player. My toes are pretty long too, so maybe he thinks I can play piano with my toes if my fingers get tired. But he gets my eyes, nose, and mouth in almost the right places. Sometimes my nose accidentally falls above my eyes, but at least I can smell, right?

Truth is, I have grown quite fond of his people drawings. They are the best of all his drawings. And I can actually see the beauty in them. And whether he has scribbled me something indescribable, or has taken his time in trying to make it as realistic as a 4 year old can, the look on his little face is just priceless when he brings it to me for approval. And I know he does it for love, and out of love.

Lucas

My son, Homey Lucas, was just too much today! I took the kids out for McDonalds, and then the Sweete Shoppe in Windsor, and let me tell you, I am paying the price! He has been way too wound up all evening. I decided to skip church tonight to give Margeurite a break, as Lucas would have likely made her bonkers! I had a heck of a time getting him to calm down. I actually know better. Lucas cannot handle his sugar. It is his drug of choice. If Lucas even gets one little bit of sugar, he goes nuts. So, of course, I let him have a whole box of Nerds to himself, to wash down the Happy Meal from before. Hey, it's the weekend, the kids have been bored stiff with this off and on rain, what is better to a kid than to visit a CANDY SHOP? I know, serves me right. At 9:30 pm, and with no nap today, I still can't guarantee he's in bed. He's been bouncing off the walls all night. And I preach constantly about his sugar reaction to his dad. Guess where he's going tomorrow? Yup, to his dad's. Uh oh, I'm in trouble.... LOL!

Phoenix Rising....

A life for a life...

The above link is a story that caught my eye today, and is likely to start off another national debate on a family's private decision of life and death. But I think it's beautiful, a tragedy etched with hope.

In a nutshell, this young woman was stricken with cancer during her pregnancy, and eventually lost all brain activity. She is being kept on life support, as per her husband's wishes, for the benefit of her unborn child. The hope is that by mid-July the doctors can succesfully deliver her child in her 25th week, and then be able to be take her off of life support to die peacefully.

If you pray, please include this family in your prayers, that the Lord will protect them from any danger, and keep this baby healthy. I am praying that the cancer's progression will slow and not touch any of the woman's organs that this baby is depending on, and for him to prosper after his premature birth.

Summer Days are here

Yesterday was the last day of school, so in essence, today was the first day of summer. So, of course, we lived it up Super Soaker style! I totally had the best laziest day, hanging out in the sun with a good book all day. And I have the sunburn to prove it. The kids were outside playing since 9 am in the morning. Of course, when you wake Mom up at 6:30 in the freaking morning, 9 am is late! Why they can't get up early on school days, but are up at the crack of dawn on weekends is beyond me.

Anyway, I mowed the lawn yesterday so that they could get planty of sprinkler action in today. They couldn't wait for me to turn it on. So I did, and then 5 minutes later they were done and wanted to change into dry clothes. What?!? I decided to be evil mom, and made them stay in their wet clothes, cuz I knew they'd be back in there. Sure enough, as soon as I was done watering the lawn and turned off the sprinkler, moans and groans went up all around. So the lawn got a little over watered.

Later that afternoon, Summer's friend, Kelsey came over. After I made cootie catchers for all of them, they went back outside and eventually discovered the super soakers. They were having so much fun, and it totally brought me back to my childhood. I grabbed the camera, and started snapping away. And yes, the whole time I was thinking about how great these would be in my blog. Here they are!


Summer, Kelsey, and Lucas


Lucas


The girls




Lucas totally spent the whole time trying to soak these girls, and the girls finally ganged up on him and soaked him. So of course, Lucas got really upset about it. Summer had just finished soaking him before I snapped the picture.






This is Lucas trying to get revenge. But I think the girls enjoyed it too much.

Today was so much fun for the kids (and me!), of course, this is just the beginning. By mid-July, I will be counting down the days to August 29th, the first day of school!

A woman's perogative...

Excuse me while I change my mind again. And no, this is not set in stone, and yes, it will probably change again.

I am struggling with the whole custody thing. I am being pulled by members in my family and by my own counselor to keep fighting legally for full custody and less visitation for Ex. But I am A)tired of fighting, and B)ready for some peace.

This whole fight has caused a lot of turmoil inside of me, and it's just not worth it anymore. I know that each time I have tried to be peaceful with Ex, it has caused a lot of anguish for me by his demeanor. But I'm willing to risk it again to just not have to go get a lawyer and start fighting dirty.

If Ex and I can come to terms with all of this and commence peaceful co-parenting, it will be happier for us and for the kids. And I won't be so stressed out. Truth is, it is nice to have the kids gone a day or two a week so I can regain some sanity for when they come back. I never got a break before when I was married, and always longed for it. Now I get it.

And as for his ways with the kids, maybe he'll learn more. He has learned quite a bit since the divorce, I'll give him that. And while his ways aren't exactly my ways, it is unfair for me to expect that.

This whole fight has cost me my peace and serenity, my happiness with self, a possible recent relationship with someone I cared about, my focus on the important things, and so much more. To let go means picking some of those lost things back up. I don't really know where to go from here, but my goal is to find my peace again. I'm really tired of this consuming me, and I feel like it's holding me back from being a whole person. I'm going to have to swallow a lot of pride on this, I will be mocked for this, and I will also be disappointing a lot of people in this. But I will be regaining myself, and wouldn't it be great to do this parenting thing as a team eventually, instead of as enemies? The biggest thing, I know my kids will be happy.

This is my decision for today..... :-)

I'm not done yet...

I have to admit, I let this momentarily take a toll on my faith. After yesterday, I was ready to throw the towel in. I was mad, madder than I've been in a long time. I cried all day, and just felt like this whole thing was hopeless. I didn't see the point in fighting anymore. I was mad at the judge, at Ex, at myself, and at God. I felt like this whole thing was unfair, and what am I fighting for? It all seemed pointless, all that stress I've been going through for months. And just the thought of going through it for three more months at least left me feeling weak and depressed. No way did I want to go through this anymore.

But I have come to some conclusions about yesterday. I was under the impression that the judge knew more about the case than he did. When we sat before him, he probably really was looking at our case for the first time ever. He probably never saw the log I had been keeping of Ex's behavior in the last 6 months. He probably didn't read the whole recommendation of the mediator. I did not speak up enough.

My job will now be to keep detailed notes of the next three months. I will be contacting a lawyer. I will not lay down and play dead, but I will fight for what I feel is right. This is not over. He did not win, and my children deserve more out of me. I am not the weak and pathetic one anymore. I'm still in this.

Discouragement

Today was the court date to go over child custody. As per mediation a week ago, it was recommended that my ex only get the children every Friday evening, and a full Saturday, but no overnights. It was also recommended that he attend a domestic violence group for a year,a nd maybe some parenting classes. Of concern was his anger issues, neglectful nature in hygiene and care, and what he said and did in front of the kids.

We got to court, and of course he brought his girlfriend. She handed me a legal packet holding copies of every single note I had ever written him since our seperation. What relevance this had to the case, I don't know. The judge didn't even mention them.

We were told to go outside to try to come to an agreement before letting the judge decide, and the GF got up too, as if this concerned her. My ex had to tell her to stay put (good dog). My ex and I went outside, and of course couldn't come to an agreement. We came back in, and the judge saw us.

My ex acted like a complete ass. He couldn't stay on topic if his life depended on it. The judge would ask him a question, and my ex would go off on this 5 minute explanation, without ever answering the question at hand. He kicked back in his chair as if her were watching TV or something. He kept interrupting the judge. He kept looking back at GF and smirking. The judge told him if he looked at GF one more time he'd hold him in contempt of court. I had to bite the corners of my cheeks. Then Ex kept referring to the kids as his kids. The judge corrected him repeatedly, telling him to refer to them as "our kids". But Ex kept forgetting and reffered to them as "my kids". The judge fined him $25 after he kept failing.

The judge told Ex that of concern was his intimidating bahavior and nature, by the mediator, myself, and the court. He also told Ex that his behavior in court was basically rude. He told Ex that it was the court's job to make an unbiased decision, but the more the judge was talking to Ex, the harder it was to be unbiased.

With that said, the custody was not changed. The days were changed to accomodate Ex's work schedule, but the time allowed, and overnights stayed the same. Ex was not ordered to attend a domestic violence group, or even counseling alone. Instead we are to attend co-parent counseling TOGETHER for at least 4 sessions before the next court date. And Ex must attend a parenting class called "Handling Anger, Mine and My Child's". And in three months, we meet again in court to see what's been done.

So basically, it was a waste of time. Yes, the class he has to attend will be helpful, and co-parent counselling isn't such a bad thing. But this man is incapable of being a consistently good role model. He is and always will be an abusive man. And it is disheartening when a judge who seemed to see right through him only slapped him on the wrist with some very ineffective orders. After the court date I had several people come up to me, who recognized Ex for who he was, and tell me to hang in there. One lady told me I needed to go to the YWCA and get a lawyer through them.

I'm just really discouraged. Several months ago I was denied access to a restraining order after an incident with Ex because even though he was intimidating me and holding my kids hostage, he had not physically abused me since April of the year before. Now he got to be an ass in court, and still get his way. Basically this was what Ex wanted, and he got it. It just doesn't make sense.

I have been praying furiously over this, not to get my way, but for the Lord to intervene and make sure that whatever orders were put out, they would be in the kids' very best interest. Maybe this is what it is. It doesn't make sense any other way. All I can do is go along with the orders, but pay attention in the next three months as to what's going on. And maybe I'll still hire that lawyer. But as hard as it is, I must be accepting of this outcome.

Nodding....

Ok, Gina, I'm nodding! I know, I know, I gave everyone a hard time, and then I quit blogging. Truth is, I haven't had much to write about. Not many people are interested with the best part of my day, which just so happens when the kids go to bed and I get to flop with exhaustion on the couch, only to have my son tell me he has to go potty....again.

Actually, life's been good. The kids and I have such a routine going, and everything's been really easygoing. I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday, my court date. I'm feeling ever more confident in my decision. And I had a talk with my MIL, and we were able to reassure each other on our positions. I'm now at ease. And if the judge goes along with the mediator (he will), it will benefit everyone. My ex will get the help he needs to be a better father to the kids, and in general in his life. My kids will get the help they need through the Safe Step program I'm enrolling them in (a program for kids who witnessed or were victims of domestic violence). And the kids will have more positive influence in their life. This order would only be for 6 months, as they will be evaluating progress at another mediation and court date in 6 months, which just ensures progress (or that my ex is insane and I win full custody).

Beyond that, I've been working harder than hardly working, and I've started dating someone new. I'm not ready to talk about that so much as it's still really new, but I have only good feelings about it. :-)

As for my faith, I admit I took a one week hiatus from church, which ended up being a two week hiatus, minus working in the preschool. But I filled that time and then some with plenty of walks at Spring Lake with the Lord, and a lot of spiritual meditation. I actually feel like I refreshed myself in some ways. With that said, I'm looking forward to Church Under the Oaks coming up. Should be loads of fun, and extremely spiritual.

So that's my update. Truth is, I will probably be blogging less now too. How sad that we're all growing tired of it. But my blog mission has steered from spiritual to more diarylike. I think I need to go back to the spiritual road in this blog, if only to get me back into the word again.

Just nod if you can hear me...

I'm just wondering if anyone's out there. Has the blogging fad wore off? I know some of you are still blogging, but several others have been absent for awhile. You know who you are.... Of course, if you're not blogging, you're not visiting me either.... Anyways, if any of you are reading this, I miss snooping into your life, and I miss you snooping into mine, so please start blogging!

Pictures: Take 2

Well, I'm once again testing my picture uploading skills. I've moved on to Flick'r, and I think it's what's going to work. So if I'm successful, you can leave comments on how beautiful my kids are.
P.S. Check out the "muscles" on Lucas!



Here they are 4 years ago...


And here they are now.

Gummy

My ex's grandmother died last night. I just got off the phone with my MIL. It was emminent, as they just found out she had cancer 9 days ago, and she hasn't been doing good at all.

"Gummy" is in a good place. 10 years ago she lost her husband to a horrific car accident. They had been on their way to a high school reunion, I think, and another car crashed into them. His last act was throwing his body over hers to save her life, losing his in the process. It was a terrible blow to the family, as it was so unexpected. He had been in perfect health, and was the backbone of the whole family. And then he was gone. But being the guy he was, all his affairs had been taken care of before his death, and Gummy was taken care of financially.

Nothing was the same after Robert died. Gummy lost a lot of her fire, and her zest for life. Although Gummy was a kick, and often had us rolling with her raw honesty, she also longed for her life to end so she could join her husband. Her quality of life deteriorated, and soon her family had to make the choice to put her in a nursing home. Eventually, Gummy was confined to a wheelchair. It seemed like every time I saw Gummy, her condition was getting worse and worse.

I haven't seen Gummy for awhile. With the divorce, it's harder to find an excuse to visit all that ways. But time is precious, and now she's gone. I'm greatful that my daughter got to visit her one last time not too long ago, making Gummy's day. Now Gummy is dancing in Heaven with her loving husband, she's made it to the end of her journey.

The funeral is this week, and I'm selfishly nervous. I'm going with the kids, there's no question about it. But so is my ex and his girlfriend. But it was bound to happen that one of these days I'd have to be in the same place as them and suck it up, and now it's upon me. But this isn't about me. Truth is, we'll probably sit in the same pew so that the kids don't have to choose who to sit next to, and it will be fine. I couldn't imagine problems being started on a day like this.

But here's to Gummy, who let us know all about her digestion problems with the greatest of detail, who always had a smile for everyone, who loved with all her heart. I hope you wear out your dancing shoes!

Mediation part 2

My ex did show up at mediation today, much to my surprise. Unfortunately, one of his friends was there too for his own mediation, and my ex spent the entire waiting time saying things to this guy for my benefit just to get to me. I just ignored him.

I really don't know how well the whole thing went. I requested separate mediation, because I just can't be in the same room as my ex, and they granted it. He denied everything I had in my documentation, which I wasn't surprised about. I am asking for full custody with visitation for him one day a week for 3 out of the 4 weeks. He's requesting 50/50 shared custody, with the kids spending one week at his house, and one week at mine. These are completely opposite wishes for custody. So we have to wait for the mediator to come to a conclusion about her recommendation, and we'll receive her decision in the mail. I've allowed her to talk to my counselor for more information, and I hope that helps. But I honestly don't know. In small increments, my ex can pull off looking like an upstanding guy.

Although I have put this in the Lord's hands, I am extremely discouraged. All the preparation I had for this day may have been for naught because my ex is so skilled in manipulation. And just being there and being around him, listening to him tell the other guy how rotten I was in not so many words, made me want full custody even more. I don't know what I'll do if my children turn out just like him. And it makes me wonder even more what I ever saw in him....

Lord, I pray for your will. You know the desires of my heart, but please let me be accepting of your plans for me and my children.
Amen

Mediation

Tomorrow morning is the mediation for custody changes. This is when I plead my case to a mediator and he gives his recommendation to the judge. 9.9 times out of 10, the judge will rule in favor of the mediator's recommendation. I'm not sure if my ex will be there or not. I sent him paperwork with the dates highlighted on it, so I don't know how much more clear I need to be with him. I do not talk to him otherwise because of his behavior with me. But knowing him, he figured it was another demand for child support and threw it away. If he shows up, I really don't think he could sway things his way. But is he doesn't, I think it will only help my case.

But I am nervous. And mostly it's still due to doing the right thing. In my heart I do feel I am doing the right thing. But after this, I am going to have a lot of people angry with me, and I'm not one to handle ridicule well. I know his mother will have plenty to say, and it goes without saying that my ex will have a lot to say.

As far as the kids go, I've been preparing them by telling them this week that Daddy and I might be amending our schedule a bit so that I get a weekend with them, and then he gets a weekend with them. Summer understands some, but I know she's not thrilled with the plan. And Lucas won't understand fully until it's underway. And this week he's been asking for his daddy more than usual. It's troubling when this is the week that I am going to try to get full custody and allow him less visitation.

But as far as everything else, I am ready. I have documentation and taped phone calls. Now I just need to pray for God's work to happen in the best interest of the kids. I have prayed that if this isn't what's best, to not let it go through, but if it is, to help it go all the way. And of course, your prayers are needed too....

Undeserved blessings

When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.
Hosea 13:6

Ok, forget for a moment that I am 27 years old, have two kids, and should be living on my own. My experience here sounds somewhat like that of a teenager, so bear with me.

Our house is full. I live here with my parents, my two kids, and my younger sister. Through the months, the house has slowly gotten out of hand in the cleanliness department. When three households try to fit under one roof with all their stuff, this is what happens. Double, if one of these households includes two young children and one less than perfectionist mom. I admit it, I am not Susie Homemaker. I can tidy up, but there are times when the mess is right in front of me and I just don't see it. But still, I really make an effort to do my share in the household. And while there may be various pieces of children's artwork or toys lying around, I do my best to keep all clothing and shoes in my room, and the dishes and dining area clean.

So last night when my mom came in the room with a beef about the less than clean kitchen after dinner, I was offended. It wasn't my night to do dishes, it was my sisters. And my sister cleaned almost all the dishes and left the sinks and stove gross with food. And as my mom yelled about the mess, I was the one she was looking at. I pointed out that I was not the one to be looking at, and still she went off on how I do not do my part around the house. I was pissed. When I am in the kitchen and waiting for water to boil, etc, I will wipe down counters, put dishes away, wash out recycling. I stack the newspapers, return other family members' shoes to their rooms, anything I can do to cut corners for serious cleaning times. My sister is lazy, and does not do anything extra. I have learned to get her to do something I have to spell it out for her. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to her. But she will do things when asked, so that's how I deal with it. I had seen the kitchen after she "cleaned" it, and in my self-righteousness, I ignored the mess knowing it was on her, not me. I know, I know.

But last night I was really mad about it. When I went to bed later, I prayed about it and felt better. I knew that no matter how I felt about the fairness of being yelled at, the truth was I could always do more. I needed to remember whose house I was in, and the burden it was putting on my mom. And I needed to admit that I didn't do nearly enough for all I was being given, or even in general. A lot of mess did belong to me and the kids, and I needed to just suck it up and do more to redeem that.

But when I woke up this morning, the fury returned ten fold. It got to the point that I felt I needed to see my mom after I got the kids off to school and give her a piece of my mind. I got more mad as I unloaded the dish rack again and wiped down the sink, feeling that she would never even see my efforts or acknowledge them. But something happened as I was just about to walk out the door to walk my daughter to the bus-stop. My sister started to do the dishes I had soaking in the sink without being asked. Suddenly I felt really sheepish. All the realizations I had the night before came flooding back at me.

When I came back in the house, my mom was sitting at the table reading the paper. I realized how close I came to being just plain stupid and ruining the day for both of us. She was able to go off to school without me being a complete ass to her, and I was once again able to remember that I was privileged to be living here with my family, that I had a lot to be thankful for, and I couldn't possible pay back all the graces bestowed on me. And that I could always do more....

Lord, thank you for my reality check. I had forgotten how blessed I was for the moment, and you saved me from being ungrateful. I am blessed, even when I'm undeserving, and I must never forget it.
Amen

Hello, I must be going

Which falls faster from a 10 story building, a stupid computer, or my sanity?

Ok, how ironic is this? I just finished writing a whole post on computer problems, and then posted it, and ended up losing the whole post because of computer problems. I am going to scream!

Anyways, I'll start over. But just let it be known that my last post was brilliant, and probably would have been copied and pasted into other people's blogs for years to come. Oh well, this is my feeble attempt to recreate a masterpiece.

If you were on my computer, you could see some very nifty pictures to vies with my blog entries. But I discovered the other day when accessing my blog through another computer, that the pics only came up as those ugly boxes with little X's in the corner. What a bummer!

When I first started my blog, I downloaded "Hello" for uploading my pics. I was able to use it long enough to post my pic on the blog, and have since been unable to use it. It now says somehting failed to initialize, and to re-download it. I did this, and still I received the same message. I have since said goodbye to "Hello".

This is just one of many problems I am having with this damn computer. I tried to upgrade my iTunes yesterday, and the computer refused to work without having to reboot 50 times. It is inundated with spam, that I have to delete out of the computer every week or we spend the majority of our time clicking off of these sites that keep popping up like popcorn. The computer freezes up, allows screens to stay put when we exit them, and ignores our commands. Or the page I ma working on just disappears, and leaves me no other option but to reboot. ARGH!

The thing is, the computer is only 1 year old. And it's a Dell. Does that make a difference? I am so done with this computer, except that my work relies on it, and I am hopelessly addicted to it.

Oh, and I'm cranky because I am sick again...

Where would we be without Mom?

Now this is what we all need on our Mother's day!
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

Singleness

I've had some time to reflect on my life at present, and have really been amazed at how far I've come along in this short period of time. But with all these changes is still confusion. The biggest, of course, is my single life, and how, as a Christian, do I live it?

At Tribe we have been going over this very subject, and I unfortunately missed the first two of three sessions. This is the very topic that I need examples and tools for. You see, the only example from my own life for singlehood is when I was 17 and younger. And that's not exactly the example I'm looking for. So when I got back into the dating world (way too early, mind you), I was very ill-prepared. My self esteem was shot, and it affected my choices.

But nowadays I get it, somewhat. I know what I want, and I'm willing to wait for it, but I still have fears. The only experiences I've seen so far are guys looking for instant "love", and by love I just mean the physicalness of it. So I just stopped dating because first of all, I was looking too hard and obviously in the wrong places, and secondly because I needed to find myself. And in doing so, I've been having the time of my life. I've rediscovered friendships I'd been neglecting, I focused more on family and work, I found more of what I love to do. Before I was actually shaping my social life around how I could meet someone because I was so lonely. The only thing was, I was lonely because I had not found me yet. I was there, but I was buried so deep inside. I was looking for someone to fill that void that only I could fill.

And only Jesus could fill....

I became re-reacquainted (yes it's a word. I made it up) with God. Now, I'm not claiming that I am now super holy and God is at the center of my life. I still have a long ways to go before I reach that place I want to be at with the Lord. I still have too many issues and I know I disappoint Him so many times in my walk because I am still stubbornly holding onto things. I still have the tendency to put things ahead of Him. But Satan is tricky. Our relationship with God is affected not only when we are sinning, but when we feel so ashamed that we can't face God. And that's where I was at. I'd been told many times over that God loves us no matter what, that there is nothing we could do to make us stop loving us. But I didn't believe it in my heart. And I couldn't face Him. My prayers would be obligatory, and I would sometimes apologize for my sins, but mostly just not acknowledge them at all. You know when you're a kid and playing hide and seek and you close your eyes, thinking that you are now invisible? Same thing. If I don't mention it, it never happened.

Anyways, during this time of self focus, I have been meditating with the Lord. And still, I'm not claiming perfection here. But there's been a definite change in my life. I've let go and jsut loved the Lord, thanking Him for every blessing He has given me, especially in the last year. And I have less stress than before. I am happier. I am more confident. The world looks better. and suddenly I have those answers for my dating life, that one subject that has been such a mystery to me. STOP FOCUSING ON IT!

Now I don't exactly date. I go out, but I am clear on my intentions from the beginning. I am not looking for romance, I am looking for friends. And truth is, I'd rather it be that way, because why would I want to jump into something all over again? I am getting used to singlehood and it's wonderful. I go where I want to go. I have my own interests and get to explore them with no limits. I am getting more fit now because I am excercising more (also very mood enhancing). Every part of my life has improved.

I am still confused about relationships. I have so many questions about how to handle things now that I have boundaries and morals. I have fears about who will accept me, and will I be strong enough to hold my ground? And this is why it is still better for me to be single and just enjoy that for awhile.

An old friend

Many years ago I was heavily involved in 4-H, a club that focuses on agriculture and leadership. One of the biggest parts of my 4-H life was the summer camp they held every summer. I started going at 9 years old, my first year in 4-H. When I hit 12, the age minimum for being a staffer, an older friend and mentor talked me into signing up. Although I felt I wasn't ready, I did because I looked up to her so much and she thought I was ready. I became hooked. After several years as the new staffer, I was suddenly one of the older kids and one of the ones in charge of the staff. A group of us formed a pretty tight bond as staffers, and were the ones to go to for anything. My last year was spent as the director of camp with one of my best guy friends, Jason, and it was the best year ever. Together, we ran what was called the best 4-H camp in a long time. Years past held irresponsibility, feuds, and unsynchronized leadership. But Jason and I did our jobs before camp together, and spent camp as a team. It was definitely a great way to end my 4-H camp career.

After camp, we all lost touch, except for one of my current best friends. I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex), and Jason went off to college. Life went on, but I never forgot him or the rest of the gang. Friends of mine, and even my sister, would run into him, and I would think, "I should call him sometime." This past summer I was an adult chaperone (*gasp! I'm old!) at this very same camp, and his brother stopped by for a visit. I jotted down Jason's number, but still never called. Today I am glad I didn't, because I was a mess, still, and I would have hated for him to get a bad impression of me after having been such great friends years before. But two weeks ago he finally called ME and we got back in touch.

Today we went out to lunch. I was a little nervous beforehand. My mom kept pushing me to say it was a date, and I kept having to tell her that it was nothing more than two friends getting together like old times. But I had the same fears as those a girl has before a date. What would he see when he saw me? Would he think I was fatter? Would I talk too much? Would I give him the impression that I thought more of this get together than he did? What if we had nothing to talk about? Would we go out today, then never go out again?

I should never have worried. Seeing Jason was seeing the friendliest part of my past. It was like old times. The waitress had to come back three times before we finally stopped talking long enough to decide what to eat. We talked about EVERYTHING! It was completely natural. He couldn't get over the fact that I was a mom. I couldn't get over that my old partying friend was grown up. But despite all that, it was just like old times.

When it was time to go, he asked me out to a Cinco de Mayo celebration with some of his friends. My last fear was answered. Another friendly get-together. :0)

One thing he did say while we were eating, and it goes along with my last post, is how much more confident I am now than I was when he knew me back then. So I have changed.... This lunch just set the tone for my whole day. It's always nice to see old friends, because they are almost like a part of you. And this one was always a good friend.

Giving thanks

It's 10 days since my last post, and I thought I better let my 2 readers know that I am not sick anymore, and am in fact alive. I've been feeling super blessed lately, mainly because I realized recently that the majority of my focus is not on my ex and our divorce anymore, and that it is sweet to be single! I love the feeling of being in control of myself. For awhile there I felt lonely, and yes, there are times when I still do. But I've been focusing on friendships now, and leaving romantic prospects for the future, where they belong. The present is about renewing that relationship with myself, one that has been neglected for so long. I no longer feel obligated to do things, I do things because I want to. I am learning what it is like to be me, truly me, and be unashamed about it. Do you know how freeing that is? And I like myself, what a concept! I used to sit there and wish I was like someone different, seeing the great things in others and feeling wistful because I didn't have those attributes. But I have recently started seeing things in myself that I like, and I'm proud of me. I don't mean to sound cheesy or self absorbed. It's not about that at all. I just spent so long not liking myself that this truly is a new concept. There was a time when I couldn't face the day without anti-depressants in my system. Now I am free of all medications, and eager to meet what the day has to offer. My life is full. I am with hope. I am happy! Thank you Lord for everything you have blessed me with, I am so fortunate.

Being sick is hot

There are advantages to being sick. For instance, I now know more than ever about Paris Hilton thanks to E! and VH1. I am now convinced that the best job in the world has got to be as an heiress, and not real estate appraiser like I originally thought. I have learned how to yell in a whisper. I can even get my kids to realize I mean business by my whispering yell. I have not had to put on makeup for a whole week. I have also realized I am more in love than ever with Bo Bice, and I think he could love me too if he could look past the yellow bruise on my cheek from last week's dental work, my pasty unsunned skin, and my hair that is fluffy on top and flat in the back from too much pillow time. Oh, and he'd probably find my raspy voice with a hacking cough kind of sexy in one of those sultry diseased smoker kind of ways. And of course there's the fact that I'm still too sickly for normal food. I'm hungry, but I'm so sick of potatoes and other comfort foods, it's easier to just go hungry. Needless to say, I've never looked so good in my skinny jeans. Again, look past the bruised, pasty skin and unnatural hairdo.

Now that I've listed all the postives, I can honestly say that I'd be willing to give them up so that I could be well. Much fun as it sounds laying on the couch all day, I am bored out of my mind! I actually miss working, and of course, so does my bank account. My son keeps looking at me with this sad expression, and in all his 4 years, he tells me that he wishes I could talk good. But I get the feeling it's more for his sake than my own. I have not been outside much at all, due to the fact that I am chilled in this 70 degree weather. I am in a sweater and shivering while normal people are dusting off their skirts and tank tops. I miss interaction outside of the home. I miss laughing without coughing. I miss sleeping without coughing. Anything without coughing! I miss Spring Lake, playing with my kids, reading to my kids. Yeah, I know. It's been a week, not a lifetime. But being sick, I get some wimpiness allowance. Oops, that bonus belongs in the first paragraph. Just mentally cut and paste, ok? I'm too tired and sick.

I am blessed right now. If I were living on my own, I would be sick and still have all the household and kid responsibilities still on me. I'd have no one here to take over when it gets to be too much. I'd have to make dinner for me and the kids, and I'm sorry, but kids catch on when you try to feed them cereal three dinners in a row. I'd have to go to the store myself to buy my own medicine. No one would show me they care by advising me to stay in bed and asking what I needed. But I am blessed because I have 3 extra pairs of adult hands living in this house with me and willing to do what it takes to keep things rolling smoothly. My kids are not suffering because I'm sick, since auntie, grandma, or grandpa can fill in as needed. And this home is filled with so much love and support, it's a working team. I am grateful for this, that I can be sick and miserable, and so happy about it.

Sickie

This morning I woke up without a voice, and the realization that all these aches and pains have been from getting sick. I don't know why that's a relief, but it is. I actually feel so much better today, even if I'm still worn down and the kids keep making fun of my voice. Yes, I have lovely children. And what's funny, when you can only speak in a whisper it has the ability to cause the people around you to also speak in whispers, as if all you're trying to do is keep quiet. I also have this interesting gurgle in my lungs, so I'm hacking constantly.

Today I'm back at work, though my dad is staying really far away from me, and keeps his hand hovering over his face to ward off the cold germs. But it feels good to be up off the couch, and not wanting to collapse. In my sick mode, it is my first step to normal. Wow, I'm such a wimp.

I'm still on soft foods. Mostly it's out of fear. I'm afraid to chew anything with my back teeth and I'm still having trouble opening my mouth all the way. And my appetite is nil. I've been living on pudding, applesauce, and even babyfood. Good news is through all of this I've lost 5 pounds. Bad news is, I'll gain it back once I start eating again. It's too bad I can't be sickly all the time, huh?

Anyways, that's my quick update. Everyone have a wonderful day!

Sick and Tired

I am not one to complain about my aches and pains, but I am hurting! I feel like crap. Yesterday and the day before I was fine, but today I just feel fluish and out of sorts. My parents have left for Fort Bragg for the weekend, and my sister is at work. So I am on my own today. This leaves me alone and feeling a little sorry for myself. I was fine the last two days, I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling so horrible today. Probably because I am cutting my pain medication in half so that I'm not so dependant on it. But there is this beautiful blue sky outside and I am cooped up inside with nothing to do, not that there's anything I want to do! I hate feeling this way! Tomorrow I get the kids back and I keep wondering how I'm going to do it, since I am not allowed to drive or anything. I thought I'd be off these meds by now, but just cutting them in half is leaving me miserable. I'm not even sure if I can make it to church tomorrow, and I may have to have my ex drop off the kids here at home. And with all this time to do nothing but think, I keep stressing about the little stuff. Ugh! I really hope this passes; the aches and pains, the feeling sorry for myself, the aloneness.

I have less wisdom

Teeth, that is. Today I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. Needless to say, I do not feel that hot right now. So I thought I'd post all of this before the numbness completely wears off. I'll miss all of you at Tribe tomorrow, so God Bless you all, and I wish you all well.

Worthiness

So, I've been having this inner conflict that has been seperating me from God. And last night at TRIBE, we got the opportunity to take communion. I decided not to, I didn't feel deserving enough this time to take something so holy. We worshipped in song, and as we sang, I prayed. I kept praying over and over that I wasn't worthy, that I was sorry. But then the words from my Catholic youth came back to me, as if the Lord was reminding me of something...

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed.

I prayed this three times. Then I felt the holy spirit inside of me, just a little. I wasn't overtaken, but I could feel the Lord's presence. I felt him telling me to take of Him, I was worthy. And so I did with thanks.

After TRIBE, several of us stayed behind and talked. I so enjoy the fellowship, as these are some of the most wonderful people I know. It was Gina (yes, you!) who made the most dramatic impact on me. She spoke words that had to come from God, for they were the words I needed to hear. She told me of times that she felt burdened by things, and let them get in the way of her relationship with God. It was at those times she felt the Lord telling her to put down those burdens and just dance with Him, that she was worthy. In essence, she was reminding me that we do not need to be perfect to have a close relationship with Jesus. I needed this. Gina, I am touched by your intimacy with God. You are, and have been to me, an inspiration in how I want my walk with the Lord to look.

I can see God working little reminders into my day to show me that He is there and that He cares. After going through several frantic and stressful weeks, I can feel a calmness coming back. And I know it goes hand in hand with my trust in the Lord. It is amazing how much I feel like I am struggling for air when I do not depend on the Lord. But when I give in and tell the Lord I trust Him, and that I am allowing His work to happen, everything is serene. I am worthy. The Lord accepts me, my struggles, and my faults. But to him, I am perfect. And the Lord is perfect. All those things I am seeking for and have been unable to find, they lie in Him. He is my other half, the one I am always so sure I am missing. But when I let Him, He fills me up. So excuse me while I shut out the world, lay down any guilt and burdens I am carrying, and go dance with my Lord!

Lord, I am worthy to receive you. You created me, and adopted me into your family. You would have it no other way. To know that you love me despite my faults, this is the love I have been searching for. You love me. And you always have, even when I just didn't know it. Thank you for your neverfailing love, and may I be an outlet of your love to the world!
Amen

There is nothing I shall want....

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your Redeemer.
Isaiah 54:4-8

*Lord, thank you for your faithfulness, for braiding yourself into the parts of me that are missing. Thank you for your never-failing protection and love of me, even when I fail you time and again.
Amen

Kids and divorce

Being a mom and going through a divorce is hard. There are so many raw emotions with this divorce. My ex has gotten completely nasty, and it hurts. But I respect my kids, and I refuse to step to his level, so I remain tightlipped and only curteous, even when it's near impossible. And then I find out that my daughter is telling her dad all these lies about me, saying I say bad things about him, or my family is. It is so hard! And still I remain tightlipped. I have not even confronted my daughter about this, because what would I say? At times it is so confusing as to how I'm supposed to react. Do I defend myself and plead my case? Do I remain silent and therefore be innocent of all wrongdoings? Am I being too passive? And what about when it's too much to handle, how much emotion am I allowed to share? And I do not talk about their dad with them, except to support them when they are sharing what they've done at dad's house, or about his latest promise to them. After all of the drama that went down on Sunday, my ex peeled out of the parking lot without even saying goodbye to the kids. When I got to my daughter, she asked where dad was, and I had to tell her he had left. And she burst into tears. And still, I said nothing about him. I just held her, told her I was sorry, and that he probably thought she had said goodbye already. She full on cried for a minute, then picked herself up and wiped her face. Then she acted like nothing had happened. It kills me.

As a mom, I am supposed to be strong for my kids. In the beginning of this divorce, I was a mess. My family stepped in, and I got my footing back. But ever since I regained my strength, I have been really careful to not show my weaknesses to my kids. This last Sunday I full-on cried in front of my daughter, and I was so ashamed. I just have so much weighing me down, and it's hard. But I did not want my daughter witnessing this, because it's about her dad. And as I cried, she was so uncomfortable, and I could tell she just wanted out of there. It used to be that if my daughter saw me crying, she would ask me what was the matter, and give me a hug. Now, she acts like I have the plague, and is embarassed by me. And she's only 7!

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I have worn myself out in being the best mom I can be, and thinking of them first, sacrificing so much in order to keep them happy. At times it seems like it's for nothing. I do not expect my ex to praise me or anything, but when he disrespects me as bad as he does, and allows his girlfriend to crap all over me, I wonder why I stuck around so long. It makes me feel that the only reason he said he loved me was because I was there. And then my kids, my daughter is playing us like a fiddle. And I get that. I understand she is telling her dad all those things because she is praised in a way for them. He then gets verbal with me, and I am left to defend myself against these lies, and my daughter skips off like nothing's going on. And I love her so much, it hurts. I know why she's doing it, she's such an angry child inside, and this is her way of getting attention from him. But it hurts that it's at my expense. I know she is too young to fully see the magnitude of all this, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder if there is some maliciousness in her, wanting to pay me back for leaving their dad.

I am still trying for full custody, but I've barely gotten through all the paperwork. I know it's the right decision, but part of me still is scared that I will ruin my kids by doing so. But with my ex's nature, and all that they have already witnessed before and after the divorce, I know that a lot of damage has already been done. But I also know that once everything is underway, my daughter will hate me even more. I am not taking them away from him, I just think it's vital that they spend less time over there. As it is, it always takes me 2 full days to get them back to normal when they get back home due to too much sugar and junk food, and 2 days without rules. But when they are calmed down, they are the best kids, and everything seems right and in place.

*Lord, I place my children in your hands, where they belong. They are your children. I am praying that you will protect them in the battles to come. All I want for them is to remain innocent and unhurt, and to be able to grow up into strong and successful adults. And I know that right now they couldn't possible understand what's going on, but I do pray that one day they will know just how much I love them. And please, protect me and keep me strong through this battle. Keep me from laying down and giving in by focusing me on what is best for these children you have given me. I pray that all insults, lies, and accusations that are hurled at me will only bounce off me and won't deter me from my mission. Please protect us, Lord.
And Lord, I do pray for my ex. I wanted so much for this divorce to be done in a calm manner, resulting in some sort of friendship. I still pray that one day this can happen so that we will be at peace, and our children will prosper the most. I pray that your will would be to calm my ex's heart and really see what is best for his kids.
Amen

Dog and Butterfly

God must be smiling today. Spring is in full bloom, and I can't get enough of this sunshine! The butterfly migration is taking place today through our backyard. We are fortunate enough to live in a place where we can witness such beauty. Several weeks ago it was the bird migration. Unfortunately, the little buggers are too fast to snap a picture of, but I so wanted to show a picture of today's beauty. So I settled on a picture of my dog peeking through the garden gate at me as I searched for a silly butterfly to take a picture of. I think she thought I was nuts. So I took her picture instead.

This is my dog Zoe. She is a fire truck reincarnated. I know this because we live near a fire station, and whenever a firetruck blares its siren, my normally mild-mannered dog lifts her nose to the sky and howls with it. It's so spooky sounding it's beautiful. She does not chase balls. If you throw one at her, she takes that as a cue to ignore the ball and just happily run at you and run into your legs, looking for some affection. Happiness to Zoe is a belly rub. She hardly ever barks, except if you just happen to be walking by our house. And it's not out of protecting, it's because she wants you to come over and pet her. But she does not tolerate other dogs in her yard, and will complain about it. But I guess when you're an old girl like her, you're allowed to be crotchety.

Anyways, happy spring to all of you, and have a blessed day!

Can sin be positive?

Besides freewill and lessons to be learned, could God be allowing sin into our lives to bring us closer to him? I know of times when I have sinned because it was easier to sin rather than to follow God's word. But my guilt made me pray harder than ever when I first tried explaining away my sin, and then eventually sought repentance.

This topic has been on my mind for awhile now, and Jimmy's current blog entry brought it back up in a way. One of his questions was Is there any thing that holds such a power over you that you cannot say no? Don't we all have something along these lines, small or big? We are all sinners, be it our thoughts, our words, or our actions. We all have some sort of crutch that keeps us from being absolutely pure. Christ did not die on that cross because we are perfect. But when it comes to admitting these wrongs, I think that's almost as hard as giving up the sin, at times.

Since all you shameless readers already know too much about my life (LOL!), I'll just say generically that I am a sinner. And there are definitely times when I am put in a situation that show my weaknesses in my Christian walk. And each time I struggle, I have the most intense talks with God, even if at times it's an argument with him. And yes, there are times when I don't like his answer for my life, so I turn my back on him and go the other way. But he is always there, and ready for me when I have come to my senses. It's like I'm the teenager, and he is the parent. He has his rules all lined up, and sometimes I just decide I know more about my life and rebel. But when I sheepishly come back, he is there with his arms open. Sometimes I come back out of my guilt, and sometimes I come back because things got harder due to my poor choices. But the sin itself brings me into Jesus' arms, begging for forgiveness and willing to lay my life down again. Each sin brings me back with a desire for strength in him. And rather than turn his back on me as I did to him, he gives his love without conditions. This is why I love the Prodigal Son story so much, because it pertains to all of us as sinners, and how God is ever-faithful in his acceptance of us when we return. We are always welcome in God's family as long as we want it.

Needing prayers

I am asking for all of my friends reading this to offer their prayers up to the Lord on behalf of my family and me. The Lord knows my circumstance, and my nervousness. I am asking for prayers of strength, wisdom, and courage. I don't want to make this all dramatic, it's just that it is time for some changes to be made, and I am still procrastinating in doing so. I am having a hard time separating my children's best interest from my fear of anger directed at me. And I've come up with excuse after excuse to keep me from making these changes, just to remain in denial that these things need to be done. And I need to get over that and make these changes now. But I need your help in finding that strength to do so. I'll start...

Lord, I am at your mercy, as I've been for awhile now. I accept and rejoice that my life is in your hands. I am actually grateful for your challenges for me, as I am stronger because of them. But at times I am afraid to ask for your divine help in the areas that matter most, and this is one of them. I ask for your hand to be over mine as I make the phonecalls that need to be made. I ask that your arms will support me as I plead my case. I ask that your robes will surround me and keep me safe, and that your whisper in my ear will be the only sound I hear. And if it is your will, I ask for your calmness to envelope other's hearts that may wish me ill will, but if I must suffer from that anger, that your grace will keep me strong. Lord, I am about to pray harder than ever before for your guidance and protection. And I thank you now for the path you will give me.
Amen

The Resurrection

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16


Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to see the tomb. Suddenly there was a great earthquake, because an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and rolled aside the stone and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint.
Then the angel spoke to the women. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn't here! He has been raised from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. And now, go quickly and tell his disciples he has been raised from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember, I have told you."
The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great joy, and they rushed to find the disciples to give them the angel's message. And as they went, Jesus met them. "Greetings!" he said. And they ran to him, held his feet, and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Don't be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there."
Matthew 28:1-10

Good Friday

Jesus said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
The crowd watched, and the leaders laughed and scoffed. "He saved others," they said, "let him save himself if he is really God's Chosen One, the Messiah." The soldiers mocked him, too, by offering him a drink of sour wine. They called out to him, "If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!" A signboard was nailed to the cross above him with these words: "This is the King of the Jews."
One of the criminals hanging beside him scoffed, "So you're the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself-and us, too, while you're at it!"
But the other criminal protested, "Don't you fear God even when you are dying? We deserve to die for our evil deeds, but this man hasn't done anything wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom."
And Jesus replied, "I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise."
By this time it was noon, and darkness fell across the whole land until three o'clock. The light from the sun was gone. And suddenly, the thick veil hanging in the Temple was torn apart. Then Jesus shouted, "Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!" And with those words he breathed his last.
When the captain of the Roman soldiers handling the executions saw what had happened, he praised God and said, "Surely this man was innocent." And when the crowd that came to see the crucifixion saw all that had happened, they went home in deep sorrow. But Jesus' friends, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance watching.
Luke 23:34-49

Creating tomorrow from today

Can I just say, I love my job! How many people get to say that? I really hope when I am fullforce, I will still be saying that. I am currently training under my dad in the real estate appraisal business. For a while there, business was slow. My dad's been freaking out, and my paychecks have been mere pennies, but I found it to be a great time to learn the basics at a decent pace and not get overwhelmed. Now, things are slowly picking up, and I have more work on my desk. It feels so gratifying to be able to give significant help to my dad, and also feel like I am doing a substantial amount of work on each appraisal I am responsible for. When I have done an appraisal, and my dad only has to make minor changes to it, I feel SMART and WORTHWHILE. And there is nothing like having work during the day vs. not working to make the day pass faster and make you feel better about yourself.

In one to two years, I will be a fully licensed appraiser. I can't help dreaming of all the things I will be able to accomplish with the kind of paycheck a job like this can bring. All my debts will be paid. I can own my own car, maybe even my own house or condo. I can afford to buy nicer clothes. I can have a substantial savings. I can pay for my daughter's braces. I won't have to tell my kids we "don't have the money for that". I can invest. I can forget about living week to week. And most importantly, I won't have to depend on anyone else for financial reasons.

Financial freedom means many different things to me, but mostly it means independance. I do not feel like I can be in a relationship with someone that is marriage headed until I have all my finances and debts in order. When I am finally at the place for marriage again, I want to be financially independant, so that there are no confused lines. I want to still make my own money and care for my own family, without feeling like I need to depend on someone else. And even before I get to that level, I want to have lived in my very own place, something I have never done. I've always been a dependant, whether it's with my family or with my husband. I have never experienced life as a full on independant. And just knowing that I have a future that includes that is really exciting!

In the meantime, I do not knock my position. Of course, I long for the future now, but tomorrow does not happen without today. To have a successful future, I must live with my parents now to properly train at a low wage, get strong on the inside, and get reconnected with my family bonds and friendships. I must be a dependant now so that I can feel safe, pay off my debts, and prepare for my future. And I am eternally grateful to my parents for giving me this second chance to make something of myself.

Hair

Ok, I need a change of pace today. I would give anything for a great haircut and color! Months ago I went through this period of time when I needed a drastic change, and that included dyeing my hair BLACK. Yes, it was drastic. And not only was it black, it was BLUE-BLACK. Yes, that's right, my naturally red highlights were exchanged for blue ones. And suddenly I was a different person. I felt like I needed more tattoos or something, to go with my blue-black hair.

And I felt different! I had attitude. I felt not so girly, but ruggedly. I wore more makeup to offset the paleness my skin took on even more because of the blue-black hair. And at first, I really hated this hair. I thought I would end up looking exotic, and instead I looked like a biker chick or something. I stopped being Crissi who was going through a painful divorce, but Crissi who had really blue-black hair. I felt like a giant thumb, or something, this big abstract thing in the midst of normal people with normal hair. And I tried everything to tone down this mistake of a haircolor. I was told that dish soap can fade hair color. Well, a bottle later, and I realized that black just doesn't go away, it has to grow out.

Well, eventually my blue-black hair became just black, and I got used to it. I added this bright red to the top of it, and it actually looked really cool. And after my hair had calmed down, I suddenly received lots of compliments on my bold choice. I started playing more with it, and again felt like a different person. But this time it wasn't the biker chick, but the exotic girl I was searching for.

Well, hair does grow, and I've been too chicken to redo the whole black thing. So now it is brown for about 3 inches, and then it is black. And I hate it again! I've been wearing it up for the most part, so I have brown on my head, and a black ponytail. It's a horse effect, I guess, with a black tail. But as soon as I scrape the money together, it's changing again.

Yes, this is the most superficial post I've come up with. But the thing is, there was a time when I never cared much about my appearance. Now I do. And I think it's important.

Words of encouragement

Going through my DivorceCare workbook, I was brought to the book of Matthew, which lighted upon the very subject I am suffering from: betrayal and lonliness. I was brought to where Jesus was both betrayed by his followers Judas and Peter. How sad and hurt Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed him on the cheek, thus turning him over to his enemies, and then to be denied three times by Peter as he suffered. Jesus was lead to his death after being deserted by his disciples, and suffered alone on that cross. I've always known this story, one we remember all year long,and especially at this time of celebration that is Easter. But I felt the sadness that Jesus must have experienced as men he had called his brothers turned on him in his hour of need. But the difference with Jesus, his loving heart forgave them, even before the events had taken place. He knew the reason for these betrayals, and knew it was to fulfill the Scriptures. And then in the end, when all was said and done, he asked his father in heaven to forgive his enemies. It prompted me to read more, and I came upon this passage of encouragement in Matthew 5.

"God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too." Matthew 5:11-12

And it goes on with words about being the salt and the light of the earth, teachings about anger and reconciliation, teachings about revenge and joyful giving, and teachings about love for your enemy. These are all things that I have been attempting to live by, and the encouragement that I received last night from rereading this passage was exactly where I needed to be to bring me some peace. I encourage all of you to read Matthew 5 in times of trial when your heart is at war with another person, and how to act upon it. This has been my life's lesson, one I've had to have plenty of practice with in the past couple of months, how to be good and sweet to those who wish the worst for me and treat me with contempt, and understand that my reward lies in heaven. And the truth is, I do pray that eventually my demeanor in these situations will rub off on my ex and his girlfriend so that they may be good, too. Is that heaping coals on my enemies' heads, Paster Tom?

Fear

There once was a time when I went through the same sort of stress I am experiencing now and the way I dealt with it was by being unproductive and melancholy. Now, I feel that same tiredness coming on, but I am trying to remain busy to work my way through it. But I am going through so much right now, and it's starting to feel unbearable. I would give anything to just be able to get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hibernate until the storm has passed. But the difference now is I know that no matter my circumstances, I still have my responsibilities that have to be done (work, household chores, kids, etc). Hiding is no way to deal with my problems. I must bite the bullet and face them straight on, even if I am shaken up on the inside. It's my phobias that get to me. Oh sure, he helps. Ever since I filed with the DA, things have gotten steadily worse. At first it was just him dishing out the verbal abuse, but now his girlfriend is in on it. And I remain calm and collected on the outside, watching my words and my temper, but on the inside I am a frightened child, hurt by the words they hurl at me. It's not fair. It's times like these that make me regret my wholesomeness, and wish I could be just half as heartless. Maybe then the words wouldn't sting half as much. It's amazing when a year ago, even at our worst times, I never would have guessed he'd act this hateful to me. It's sad, really. He doesn't know how much I fear seeing him, hearing his messages on my phone, dreading each time contact is unavoidable from him. He doesn't know how afraid of him I really am, not fully knowing what he is capable of, and who he can fool into thinking he is the sane one and I am the crazy one. I hold my head up high and don't let him get the satisfation of seeing my hurt and anguish. I only wait until the most private of times when I let my tears fall freely.

Singleness

My ex is very good at reminding me about why I am so lucky to be single now.... But, too much stress!!! I'm wondering if this is ever going to die down and be peaceful. I'm liable to crumble under this pressure.

Brokenness

Today I attended the 90th birthday of my great aunt. It was cool seeing some of our distant family, all second and third cousins, etc., to me, and just catch up. And I got to tell my story a little to those who knew what was going on with me, and let them know just how wonderful my life is turning out.

As a tribute to my great aunt, someone put together a slide show of her life. It was truly amazing how it came out. It talked about her younger years of being this wonderful girl who went against the grain in some ways. It talked about her marriage and the great love she shared with her husband, and the generations that came from it. I thought it was all cool until it showed this one part about my second cousin (great aunt's daughter) and her marriage. I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. And I was embarassed because amongst all the sniffles from people crying over this beautiful tribute, I was selfishly crying over myself.

The truth is I saw this love and legacy being passed down throughout this family. I saw the happy faces and family continuously growing with each picture. And I realized that I did not have that now, in a way. In this moment of weakness, I mourned the loss of my marriage, regardless of how this was never a reality anyways, and mourned that I would not be growing old and happy with my children's father, creating legacies to be passed down to our generations. Our family is torn apart, and it's so unfortunate that it had to be this way. A family consists of a dad and mom, their children, and all their lives entwined in ways that keep them involved in each other's lives. A family is a unit of seperate people who support each other in ways that other's couldn't possibly. I never thought I would be in a place where my kids get to spend some of their time with me, and some of their time away from me. And when I married my ex, I never would have imagined he would be so hateful to me as he is now, forgetting all those years I loved him and did everything for him. I never thought I'd be his enemy.

I am not so ungrateful that I don't see the love and support I have in my parents, sisters, and friends. I am not so blind to see that my life is better off this way. I do enjoy being single and living life exactly my way, and creating my own future. But I'd be lying if I said I weren't heartbroken that things turned out as awful as they have. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt now and then. And it would be a lie if I claimed to not be jealous of those family units where all the pieces fit together like they are supposed to, instead of missing pieces like mine. I so long for that to be my reality.

Today I am cute!

Today I was cute as he**.

I had to take pictures of houses in Guerneville, and this one duplex owner was giving me a really hard time. I've been hassled before about taking pictures of houses, even though it is perfectly legal, so I was a little worried this time. But it turns out he was just teasing me. Anyways, long story short, he called me cute as he**, and I've been feeling cute all day! Not bad, since most days I feel extra ordinary and plain.

Depression

For those of you who live in Santa Rosa, have you looked outside? It is absolutely gorgeous! It's funny how Spring appears overnight and suddenly, all is new and beautiful again.

The joy that this season is invoking in me reminded me of a time when these images meant nothing to me. After Connor died, I rapidly fell into a deep depression. Connor died on the first day of autumn, and fall and winter were darker than usual that year. I spent the days inside with the curtains closed. Our house took on a dark dungeon effect, and everything around me was death. There was no springtime in my life.

That fall my mom encouraged me to plant daffodil bulbs. She said they would bloom in the spring, and be a yearly tribute to my son. I spent weeks taking my aggression out on that rock hard soil to dig a foot's depth into the ground. If I hadn't been so angry at life, I don't think I could have dug into that ground! But eventually I succeeded, and spent as much time as I could taking care of that garden for Connor's sake. I know that my mom was just trying to get me to be outside and soak in that sunshine for endorhphin's sake. It worked, because when I was outside I thought of Connor in a happy light.

Springtime came, and so did the daffodils, as promised. Spring held an all new meaning to me. It was the time for rebirth, happiness, starting over. This first Spring was still slightly less than hopeful, but I was just greatful for the Winter to be over. I wish that remained in me, but eventually the depression took hold of me even more, as my outer circumstances got grimmer. My marriage started to seriously fail, and my ex was changing. Visions of flowers, sunshine, and nature faded and death took over again. But this time it was darker, no hope to be found. I prayed for death. It consumed me. The house got darker, and going outside was just too much trouble. Everything was too much trouble. Just thinking about having to do something made me feel exhausted. It was like mountains stood in the way of everything. Winter came again, and it became unbearable. It was the next Spring, when a little hope came with the sunshine, that I finally had to leave.

This past Winter, I escaped the depression. I expected it and waited for it. But it never came. Yes, I felt sadness throughout this past year, but it was different this time. Last time the sadness never left, and weighted me down. This time, sadness would come, then go and leave me feeling refreshed and ready to keep going. A good cry felt refreshing, but smiles came much more than tears. I've come over and beyond who I've been lately, and have recaptured the happiness and lightness of my teenage years.

And here we are, another joyful Spring. And this year it feels even more wonderful. I watch with amazement at apple blossoms cascading down from their trees in the wind, or watch the water ripple at Spring Lake under a cloudless sky. I listen to birds and am in awe of their innocent love lives as they flirt with the wind, the trees, their mates. There are times I want to stretch my arms to the sky and, as corny as this sounds, shout my praises to the Lord. And hope is alive in me. In the past, each day was viewed as jsut the same old thing. I would wait for the day to be over, but knew that the next day would only be the same. There was no purpose. Now, each day holds new blessings. Every little thing leaves me greatful and thanking God for letting me experience all his gifts.

Having been through such a personal hell reminds me that there are others who are facing depression today. There are people out there who do not find joy in anything, and are slowly withering away. I would not wish such misery on anyone. Depression is a serious illness that must be treated. At the risk of sounding like a public service announcement, I implore you to seek counselling if you are suffering from depression, or help those you know who are suffering to seek help. The symptoms of depression are changes in eating and sleeping patterns, loss of energy, weeks of sadness, not enjoying things that used to interest you, and more. When you are suffering from depression, it is extremely hard to seek help because it is hard to view your life as worth saving, or you are in denial that there is a problem, or you are ashamed to be depressed in the first place. Sometimes it's hard because seeking help is too much of an effort. That is why if you are a friend of someone who appears depressed, please help them! And pray for those who are depressed. I cannot stress any of this enough!

Just need to gripe

More and more I have been tested in how I deal with my ex and his beligerance to me. I am going through the DivorceCare program through my church along with counseling, and it has been extremely helpful in giving me hindsight as to why I need to watch myself. But still, I find it hard not to defend myself to deaf ears when I get attacked. So instead of pleading my case to someone who has forgotten that he once loved me, I will instead gripe here.

I called my ex today, the thrid day in a row since he won't call me back anymore. Luckily, his girlfriend picked up so I was able to reach him. I have been trying to reach him concerning Easter weekend. I want to bring the kids to the service that day, warranting our exchange to take place a day earlier than usual, though I decided not to fight about it if he just didn't want to. These days I've learned to pick my battles. Anyways, he was very short with me, but asked what time service was, since he wanted to do the Easter Bunny thing that morning. I told him I'd get back to him, and if it was too early, then we could just do the exchange after church. And I also got on him about getting me my tax information, something I have been asking after for months. A sore subject with us now is child support, since I decided to file with the DA, and he asked about that. He has been pestering me to lower the amount to $50 less, and is behind in payments. After repeated episodes of him being rude to me, I realized that I have bent to many times in his favor, and was getting nothing back from him. If I got anything, it was out of what he was obligated to do, like giving me a partial payment of child support and making himself out to be a martyr. So I decided that this time I would not bend. It'snot out of revenge, but instead it is to stop being so weak and giving into him whenever he needs something, without an thought to my needs. When he asked if I had lowered the payments, I told him no. He called me a stupid b*tch and hung up on me.

Now this behavior is not shocking. It's to be expected. But it is appalling from someone who supposedly loved me for 9 years. I am the mother of his children. When we went to court, I told the judge I did not want to pursue backpayment for all those months I went without child support. I allowed my ex to take the kids on the weekends to accomodate him and his schedule, even though those were the days I spent quality time with the kids, and even though he now has no job. I have kissed his *ss a million times, even though his thanks to me is moving on with another girl and treating me like I am mud on his shoe. It hurts that after years of him loving me (no matter how little he showed it towards the end), he can treat me with such contempt. And it is frustrating that he still expects so much out of me when he has done nothing for me and does not see how much I am still sacrificing in his favor. And I want to just hold him down and make him see all of this and more, but I realize that he will always feel blameless and see me as deserving of such disrespectful treatment. He has no job again, and hasn't for the last three months. He has allowed his girlfriend to support him and pay his child support for him, or else (and this is just speculation) he is doing illegal things to raise money. Off the record, I would not put it past him.

I am trying so hard to be a child of God. I am working on the forgiveness part, and the best way I am getting there is just by not letting his life affect mine. I have not achieved full on forgiveness, but I have been succeeding in watching my tongue with him and only treating him with respect and niceness, even when he is hurtful to me. I have respected my kids relationship with them, understanding that their daddy is their hero, as he should be. But at times like these I still feel scorned and wish I could just go for full custody. We have the sports season coming up, and I'll be darned if I can't have them on the weekends. I am being forced to take on a second job because the child support is just not coming, and I can't afford this life, even with no rent to pay. And we still have the bills from the past that are haunting me, and are basically on my shoulders.

I would not say that this anger is consuming me, as it used to. I refuse to let him have that much of an effect on me. But there is still an undeniable rage inside of me because I feel that I am worth so much more than this disrespect he is dishing out at me. And it doesn't make it any better to know that I cannot change him or make him see what he is doing. This is the problem when dealing with someone who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. But it is also the reality that we are only in charge of ourselves, and can only change the way we handle things. It still sucks, though!

More on Love

I don't think there is any greater feeling than being in love. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but all aspects of it. We are all in love, whether we know it.

As silly as this sounds, this topic was generated in me after finishing a book I've been reading for the past few days, The Lovely Bones. I'm one of those people that can fall into the pages of the book I'm reading, and feel the things I am reading about. The imagery, the heartache, the everything. And when it's done, it's almost disappointing, because it's over. But all the happenings in the book invoked all the emotions I constantly have running through me, and I had to get to a computer and write them all down.

I have experienced true love through the love of my children. I have heard that having children is like placing your heart outside of yourself. It's true, and then some. My children are my soul. There is nothing purer than loving my children. My most serene times are when I am holding one of them in my arms in the most casualest of moments for them, as we watch a movie or read a story. But to me it is anything but casual. It is tender and emotional. Sometimes it takes so much to keep the tears out of my eyes as they do the simplest thing like lean against me. When they are gone at their dad's house, my heart goes with them. While I wouldn't necessarily say I am incomplete anymore, as I am getting accustomed to this arrangement and know they will come back to me, I do feel that piece of my heart is with them.

A love that I miss is the love of the romantic kind. Yes I was married, and I felt a certain kind of love. But I imagine that I have yet to experience the purest kind of love with a partner in life. The true love I feel for my kids, I hope I get to experience this kind of love with a husband. No it's not the same kind of love, but I want the deepness of it. At this point, I do have hope. I have so much more of myself to attain before I can have this, but I still dream of it, nevertheless. I want a best friend in my husband, someone I can share my whole life with. I want someone who I can grow old with comfortably, someone who can support me, and allow me to support him.

Love is a wonderful thing. All you need is love. In the name of love. Love lifts us up where we belong.

Love is the closest way to God. Love was created by God. God loves us. God created love so that we can love Him, we can feel His love for us, and we can love each other. There is no greater feeling than that of love. When we remember others, we love. When we cry, we do so out of love. When we laugh, we love. Love allows us to see things in a different light. Love creates harmony and compassion. Love allows us to do things we normally wouldn't dream of doing. Love is the base of all we feel. Sometimes we love so much it hurts, but the best part of love is when it creates sparks in your soul.

*Thank you Lord for Love. Thank you for giving us this piece of you and of Heaven inside of us. Thank you for the feelings of hope and faith that love invokes inside of us. And Lord, I love you.
Amen

First loves

My 4 year old son is discovering the meaning of love. When I ask him who his friends are at school, he always mentions his guy friends, but lately has also been mentioning girl friends. Just for fun, I always ask him if these are his girlfriends, and he says yes. But it's silly because he doesn't get the joke. Well today he mentioned a new girl who he thinks is beautiful, but he hasn't kissed her. What?!? Whoa there. I told him he was too little to kiss her, but she must be a pretty neat girl.

Lucas has also decided he is in love with me. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted to marry my daddy for a brief moment. I loved him so much, and it just made sense that one day I would marry him. Well, now Lucas has informed me of his plans. Tonight as we watched Bambi, he layed down in my lap and looked up at me.

"Mommy, I love you."
"I love you too, Lucas."
"Mommy, when I grow up and get bigger, I'm going to marry you."
"Oh really. That would be really nice Lucas."

Tonight he played like that, telling me that I would be the mommy deer and he would be the daddy deer. When I put him in bed and kissed him goodnight, he told me that he would be Prince Charming, and I would be his princess. Do you see why I'm such a sucker for this boy? I left the light on in the hall for his night light, gave him lots of kisses, and said goodnight.

After about the 7th time of him getting up and finding excuses for being up, and me giving warning after warning, I finally told him I had to turn the hall light out. He cried and begged for me to keep it on, but I had to follow through. I turned out the light and walked back to the living room. He yelled out after me that he's not Prince Charming anymore, and I'm not his princess anymore. Aw, there goes my fairy tale ending. I guess the wedding is off, at least until tomorrow when he loves me again.