Just need to gripe

More and more I have been tested in how I deal with my ex and his beligerance to me. I am going through the DivorceCare program through my church along with counseling, and it has been extremely helpful in giving me hindsight as to why I need to watch myself. But still, I find it hard not to defend myself to deaf ears when I get attacked. So instead of pleading my case to someone who has forgotten that he once loved me, I will instead gripe here.

I called my ex today, the thrid day in a row since he won't call me back anymore. Luckily, his girlfriend picked up so I was able to reach him. I have been trying to reach him concerning Easter weekend. I want to bring the kids to the service that day, warranting our exchange to take place a day earlier than usual, though I decided not to fight about it if he just didn't want to. These days I've learned to pick my battles. Anyways, he was very short with me, but asked what time service was, since he wanted to do the Easter Bunny thing that morning. I told him I'd get back to him, and if it was too early, then we could just do the exchange after church. And I also got on him about getting me my tax information, something I have been asking after for months. A sore subject with us now is child support, since I decided to file with the DA, and he asked about that. He has been pestering me to lower the amount to $50 less, and is behind in payments. After repeated episodes of him being rude to me, I realized that I have bent to many times in his favor, and was getting nothing back from him. If I got anything, it was out of what he was obligated to do, like giving me a partial payment of child support and making himself out to be a martyr. So I decided that this time I would not bend. It'snot out of revenge, but instead it is to stop being so weak and giving into him whenever he needs something, without an thought to my needs. When he asked if I had lowered the payments, I told him no. He called me a stupid b*tch and hung up on me.

Now this behavior is not shocking. It's to be expected. But it is appalling from someone who supposedly loved me for 9 years. I am the mother of his children. When we went to court, I told the judge I did not want to pursue backpayment for all those months I went without child support. I allowed my ex to take the kids on the weekends to accomodate him and his schedule, even though those were the days I spent quality time with the kids, and even though he now has no job. I have kissed his *ss a million times, even though his thanks to me is moving on with another girl and treating me like I am mud on his shoe. It hurts that after years of him loving me (no matter how little he showed it towards the end), he can treat me with such contempt. And it is frustrating that he still expects so much out of me when he has done nothing for me and does not see how much I am still sacrificing in his favor. And I want to just hold him down and make him see all of this and more, but I realize that he will always feel blameless and see me as deserving of such disrespectful treatment. He has no job again, and hasn't for the last three months. He has allowed his girlfriend to support him and pay his child support for him, or else (and this is just speculation) he is doing illegal things to raise money. Off the record, I would not put it past him.

I am trying so hard to be a child of God. I am working on the forgiveness part, and the best way I am getting there is just by not letting his life affect mine. I have not achieved full on forgiveness, but I have been succeeding in watching my tongue with him and only treating him with respect and niceness, even when he is hurtful to me. I have respected my kids relationship with them, understanding that their daddy is their hero, as he should be. But at times like these I still feel scorned and wish I could just go for full custody. We have the sports season coming up, and I'll be darned if I can't have them on the weekends. I am being forced to take on a second job because the child support is just not coming, and I can't afford this life, even with no rent to pay. And we still have the bills from the past that are haunting me, and are basically on my shoulders.

I would not say that this anger is consuming me, as it used to. I refuse to let him have that much of an effect on me. But there is still an undeniable rage inside of me because I feel that I am worth so much more than this disrespect he is dishing out at me. And it doesn't make it any better to know that I cannot change him or make him see what he is doing. This is the problem when dealing with someone who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. But it is also the reality that we are only in charge of ourselves, and can only change the way we handle things. It still sucks, though!