Be still

This morning as I read through Exodus, which I do through my YouVersion app on my phone, I accidentally highlighted this verse. I saw it as a sign that this was the verse God had for me today.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

In Exodus 14, the Israelites have fled Egypt and are now camped near the sea. When they see that Pharaoh and his army are pursuing them, they became terrified and cried out to God. Moses reassures them by saying "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still (13-14)."

Then Moses raised his staff and the Lord parted the sea so that the Israelites could cross to the other side. When the Egyptians tried to follow, Moses stretched his hand over the sea, and it went back into place, covering the entire army of Pharaoh so that the Israelites were safe.

Reading the verse that God pointed me toward this morning, I can't help recalling all the times when I have been afraid or overwhelmed while facing my own sea of anguish and turmoil. Back when I started this blog in 2005, I was going through a nasty divorce and custody battle, and recovering from a marriage that had included physical and mental abuse, poverty, and depression. Back then, I had a hard time seeing what God had in store for me. At times, my anguish was unbearable as I allowed fear to rule my faith. God was still in the midst of leading me out of "slavery," but I had a hard time seeing the whole picture. Just like the Israelites, I kept forgetting all of the miracles God had performed to get me to where I was, and I could only see how uncomfortable I was in the moment I was in.

I didn't realize that God had a plan.

I'm writing a book right now that includes themes of abuse and a custody battle. It's a thinly veiled method of coming to terms with my past, and remembering things I have worked at forgetting over the years. As I came upon a scene when the main character was facing her abuser after leaving him, I returned to my earlier entries in this blog so that I could recall how it felt to face my own abuser in court. As I read, I could feel my whole body tense up and my stomach twist in knots as I recalled the fear I felt just by being in my abuser's vicinity. It didn't matter that we were surrounded by people or that I had support. It didn't matter that he couldn't touch me. I was terrified. I was afraid of what he was thinking about me, what he would say in court, and who he would turn against me. In that moment, I saw him as bigger than God, and I placed all my trust in him. I couldn't see anything else.

But God was with me. I didn't know it then, but He was still working the miracle. He led me through stormy seas that included a lot of hurt, discomfort, betrayal, confusion, and hopelessness. Just as the Israelites did, I continued to cry out to Him, in anguish over the pain I was going through while my ex appeared to be prospering. I couldn't see why I had to suffer, and at times I felt like God had left me.

Thing is, God never left. 

While reading Exodus, it's easy to look at the Israelites and believe they're spoiled brats and are blind to all that God's doing for them. I mean, God saves them from the Egyptians, gives them manna from Heaven, and performs numerous miracles in front of them. And yet, they continue to grumble and complain. They even go so far as to create a golden calf and call that their god, spitting in the face of the Lord as they forget everything God has done.

How many times have we done the same thing? I know I have.


It's interesting to look back at the words I wrote 12 years ago, knowing all that's happened since then. While in the midst of my divorce and custody battle, I could see little else than the struggle I was in. I was in my own journey through the desert (which, thankfully did not take 40 years!). I didn't realize the miracle God was working though that journey. He delivered me through fear, blasphemy, mental imprisonment, and depression. He held my hand when I eventually needed a restraining order, and he offered encouragement through whispers, and through the support of a community of family and friends.

He's there every time I kneel in prayer. He's there every time I forget his generosity and I turn my back on Him. He's there every time I realize I can't do this without Him. He's there, because He loves me with an unfailing love, and He promises to never leave me. 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.

2005 seems so long ago. I survived the custody battle and divorce. I healed from my wounds. I got a job and learned how to support myself and the kids. I married a man who honors me with his love and respect, and who I love in the same way. I have a voice now. I am stronger in my faith. I see the bigger picture now. On the other side, I can see why God had me go through so much turmoil and pain. He was only preparing me for the life I have now.

I'm only human, though. I still have moments of discomfort when I cry out to God. In the back of my mind, I now know that He is working a plan. However, I still experience faithlessness and impatience as I yearn for peace and comfort.

But how would I grow stronger if I never had to struggle?

As long as we rely on ourselves and place our faith in anything but God, we will continue on an aimless journey through the desert of our discomfort. But when we submit to God's will, resting our lives in His hands so that He can fulfill his plan for us, He will deliver us to the promised land -- the place He's been leading us all along.

Lord, thank you for all the times you have saved me from myself in this journey. I have been nowhere near a perfect daughter, and yet you embrace me every time I come back to you. When will I learn that you are always with me? When will I let go of my fears and trust that you know what you're doing? You know what you're doing. I am blessed beyond measure because of your grace, and I know that you are not finished with me yet. All I am, all I have, all I'll ever be is because of you. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

A Hebrews 11 kind of faith

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

- Hebrews 11:1

 "And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect."

- Hebrews 11:39-40

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I was taught once to thank God for everything I'm praying to Him about as if I've already received it. Faith meant to believe God would provide this thing I so desperately wanted. And I agree that it's good to have faith in God's generosity and grace. However, there's a second part to that. Sometimes the things we want are not actually God's plan for us. There are times when we'll want something so bad, and we'll pray to God for it, and God's answer is NO. Here's the thing. God doesn't just say no, He says, "I have something better planned."  He can see the outcome of everything. He knows the best path we should take. He knows what will bring us closer to Him, and what is in our best interest. 

Years ago, I started working at the newspaper. It had always been my dream to work there, and I finally got my foot in the door when I landed a job doing grunt work in the advertising department. Save for the usual work stresses, all was well with this job...until it wasn't. The newspaper was going through some tough times, and my job was next on the chopping block. I needed to find something else, or I was going to lose my job. As a single mother with no other source of income, this was not an option. 

I discovered that one of our family's friends was hiring for a real estate secretary. I immediately applied. Then I told my parents about this job. My dad urged my mom to apply for this job, as well. As soon as I learned of this, I knew my chances of getting this job were none. My mom had a lot more experience than I did, and this family friend would hire her over me any day. I was furious with my parents, and I went into that interview with my sails deflated. 

Needless to say, I did not get that job and my mom did. However, weeks later I learned of a new position at the company I worked for in page layout, the department that structured the newspaper every day. I applied, and the job was mine. I not only got a pay increase, I also was bumped from PT to FT. I got benefits, holiday pay, and vacation time. It was a huge step up! Later, this job would give me the legs I needed to move into the newsroom with a writing gig, and to see an even bigger boost in my pay and benefits. 

Here's the kicker. A few months into the page layout position, I began seeing one of my coworkers. Things progressed between us, and we've now been married for 4 years. He is the love of my life. I never knew I could be loved so well by anyone. 

Had I gained that job I wanted way back when, I never would have realized my dream of working in the newsroom, and I would not be married to my husband. This is unfathomable to me! I was asking God for something, and he said NO because he had something better planned. 

Currently, I still work in the newsroom (and my mom is still very happy at the job she applied for...and we still love each other, lol). And times are still tough at the newspaper. My job requirements have increased and I often feel like collapsing at the end of my week because of the insane amount of stress I'm under. On the side, I'm also a novelist, and I pray daily that God will bless my novels and help them reach more readers, allowing me to sell enough books so that I can quit my day job. So far, God's answer has been NO. Or maybe God is saying NOT YET. Perhaps he is saying I HAVE A BETTER PLAN. This is my test to have patience and faith in God. He's always taken care of me, and he'll take care of me now. He knows what's best, and he has a plan. My job is to have faith and know that God has only the best plan in place. 

God has a plan for you. He knows your heart's desire. He knows what you so desperately seek. Have faith that God will provide, but be open to receiving what God knows is best for you. Often, this will look like nothing you asked for. And often, it opens the door for something way better. So when you pray, don't be afraid to ask God for that thing you want with all your heart, but when you thank God, thank Him for taking care of you by giving you what you really need. 

Grace and peace to you all.

All things good

It's easy to focus on the bad news out there, or the angry emotions you're feeling, on the unjust treatment you've experienced, on the sins of those around you, and in your own shortcomings. It's easy to see only the negative. But in doing so, you are missing the miracle. 

Focus, instead, on the good in this life. The smile from a stranger. The unexpected good deed. The sunrise. Each and every blessing. 

If you keep looking for the good, the good will keep finding you. But if you stay focused on the bad, you'll become overwhelmed and weighed down by the negative. ❤️ 

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

Philippians 4:8

Seek first the kingdom of God

Here, Jesus is telling others to stop worrying about the things of this world, and concern themselves more with eternity. Rather than using all of one's energy to stockpile provisions for a comfortable life, Jesus says to put that energy toward a life with Him. 

In this verse, He promises you will have everything you need if you seek the kingdom of God first. Notice He doesn't say you will have everything you WANT. But he does promise that all of our needs will be met if we live a God driven life. And the life in eternity will be magnificent. 

This life we are living now is only temporary. The pains of this world are only temporary. The sucky job, the never-ending bills, the judgment from the world...all temporary. But the glory of God's kingdom is forever. 

___

This verse is reaching me today. Currently, I am facing a lot of big bills. My daughter is a senior in high school, and gearing up for college. There is no college fund, only because I spent most of her life as a single mom. The expense of college is falling on her shoulders, and I will help as I can. But there's only so much money. 

Beyond that are a couple of present stresses that are weighing on my shoulders: 

- my daughter's car is at its end and she needs a new one so she can get to work.

- my daughter has reached that tender age of testing independence. She wants to be considered an adult with no boundaries, but still have her life funded by me and her stepdad. The power struggle is real.  

- I'm having dental surgery in a few weeks, and they want to do some work I can't afford - like pulling a tooth and giving me a $5,000 implant. 

- I'm working at a job I hate that is eating me alive, but the pay is better than I can get elsewhere. Every day I fight the urge to quit. 

- I want to write books for a living, but I can't wrap my mind around how to sell the ones I've written. I've spent thousands of dollars and raked in low hundreds. I'm starting to wonder if this is just a far-fetched dream that's keeping me from being happy about anything else. 

Reading this verse this morning gave me a little nudge on the truth about this life. It's only temporary. And God will provide what I NEED. My concern should only be on my forever life. 

If I don't make it as an author in this life, so be it. I still get to pour my soul into my writing. 

If I don't have enough money to be rich and relax, so be it. I'm blessed that I've learned how to manage what I have so that my bills are paid and our needs are met. 

My job might not be my ideal career, but I have opportunities there to do God's work. And I'd be happier if I focused on working for God rather than working for "the man." 

My daughter might be difficult right now, but she's only preparing for that time when she's truly independent. My job is to help her prepare for that by standing firm with necessary boundaries, and to parent her with the future in mind. My job is to stay level-headed in my parenting, and not parent out of emotion or ego. 

And it's just teeth. 😁

Seek the kingdom of God above money, job, pride, ego, relaxation, a comfortable retirement, the desire to be right, and the desire to be accepted. Seek the kingdom of God above being amazingly fit, recognized, apologized to, admired, and rewarded. Seek the kingdom of God above your dreams, your worldly desires, and your comfort level. 

Seek the kingdom of God above all else and He will take care of you. He will protect you. He will ensure you will never be without. He will provide a way. Follow God, focus your energy on Him, and you will find happiness. Do for others instead of concerning yourself with only your needs, and God will provide so that you never need for anything. 

If I live as a resident of Heaven, God will ensure my every need is met. 

Don't be afraid, for I am with you

One of my favorite verses. And one of the hardest to remember. 

We are going through a hard time with our youngest teenager right now. It's normal, as in he's going through the regular bursts of anger, seeing where he fits in as a freshman in high school, and testing to see how far he can be disrespectful in our household. And it's unique because he's dealing with missing his father who lives far away and resentful that his stepdad is the one who is filling his father's role. 

The past few days have been terrible. But God takes times like these and makes things new. My son went to new levels in his disrespect, leaving my husband and me raw in our frustration. What do you do when your child is old enough and big enough that you can't rein him in? 

You trust on God. You gather wisdom from God. And you trust that the lessons you gave your son as he grew will stay with him. 

My husband and I did not act for a full day. We weren't sure what to do. I could think of a million ways I could get revenge on my son, that was how angry I was. But I could think of no way to encourage him to not turn against us, and to see we were actually on his side. 

God worked through him, and probably faster because we weren't yelling at him. My son texted me yesterday from the nurse's office. He was overwhelmed. He was on the verge of a panic attack.

He needed help. 

I left work immediately, taking the rest of the day off. And we went for a drive. During that drive, I let him talk about everything that has been plaguing him. And he admitted he was sorry. He was still angry. But he was sorry to react the way he's been. He said he hadn't been himself. 

Last night, my husband and I sat down and talked with my son as a family, and we came to peaceful agreements on how we are all to treat one another. 

And on a side note, my husband and I are planning to fly my son out to see his dad for a week. It's been a year and a half since he's seen him. I'm hoping this will help. 

In times of worry, or in times when I feel like the world (or just my teenagers!) are against me, this verse tells me that God is still with me. He's always there to lean on, to offer wisdom, to give comfort, and to help me through the difficulty. I never have to go through it alone. 

Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness. Thank you for never leaving me to handle the hard things on my own. Thank you for working through us, because without you, we'd make a royal mess of everything. I love you. Amen. 

Can I pray for you?

In reading Isaiah 38 this morning, I read about King Hezekiah, who was told by God that his life was ending. Hezekiah prayed to God, and God granted him another 15 years. 

There was a time in my life when I questioned the point of prayer. After all, God has an almighty plan, and everything is laid out as it should be. So why pray if everything happens for a reason? 

Thing is, God does hear our prayers. And our prayers can help to change ourselves, our world, our circumstances, and anything else that needs intervention from God to make things right. There is power in our prayer. Sometimes God will offer clarity to a situation. And sometimes God will change a specific course because of our petition. God is mighty enough to rule the Universe. But he is small enough to hear our prayers. 

So, can I pray for you, and you pray for me? My fervent prayer is for the marriage of my sister and her husband. They are pregnant with their first child, and their marriage is very rocky right now. Could you pray that God will intervene, and help them to strengthen their marriage as their family grows? And then, will you leave a comment how I can pray for you? 

Let's all work together to petition God for change. 💕  

Don't let it go to your head

Tyre once was a mighty trading nation, but they let it go to their head. They forgot where their blessings came from. So the Lord is setting them straight, and he uses them as an example to all of the other nations who relied on Tyre's prosperity. 

This is the basis of Isaiah 26. 

I am reading through the book of Isaiah this month. For the most part, it's a really hard read. There is a lot of destruction within these chapters, mostly prophecies of what's to come out of the Lord's anger. 

There are two large reasons why these words are hard for me to read. First, the Lord's wrath goes against what I want to believe about him. I want to think of God as this loving father who never strikes out at his children. Second, the destruction I read about here against these nations of the past could easily happen against people of today. We haven't learned anything. The sins of yesterday have carried into today. 

But as I read through Isaiah, I am starting to understand why God is striking down the people he created. First, this life is temporary. It is our souls that are eternal. Second, he is sending a very distinct message to those who witness this destruction - all life is created by him, and all life can be taken away from him. All blessings come from him, and all blessings can be taken away by him. God is always in control. He sees all and knows all. He owns all. He has the power to do anything he wants.

However, God is also merciful. And we are a hateful people. How many times have we bit the hand that feeds us? How many times have we taken credit for God's glory as our own? How many times have we blasted God for not giving us all we desire when he has already given so much? How many times have we looked down on those who are stumbling, feeling haughty in our own position as if WE are the ones who have credit for where we are?

But all glory belongs to God. Every blessing we have is because he chose for it to reach us. Every comfort we have is because he allowed us to live that way. Every good thing comes from God. When we forget, we offend God. 

The best way I can remember this is through the examples parenthood has given me. The other day, my daughter told me there was really no reason she should continue to do chores around the house since she no longer needed the meager allowance we give her as she had a job that pays her more. I told her then to think of her chores more like a way to contribute to the household and say thank you for all she's given. That's when she told me she has been thinking about this for awhile, and that we actually owe her a ton of money for all she does around the house, and she started to list off certain duties with a dollar amount attached to them. 

This only made me laugh. 

Then I told her if that was the way she wanted to think about it, I would start billing her for every meal we provided for her, her car insurance, car registration, and every maintenance issue with her car, the electricity she needed in her room for her lights, lizard terrarium, and space heater, the food she eats, the clothes she wears, the camp costs, her school costs.... 

My daughter's paycheck and the chores she does could never amount to what she receives from my husband and me. But we also don't require her to pay us back. In fact, we aren't even keeping a tally. All we ask of her is to be grateful for what she's given, and to offer a small amount of help as an offering of thanks. We ask that she not take her blessings for granted. 

And this is what God is ultimately asking of us. We're to follow God and live a life of gratitude to him, not because we're afraid he will strike us down, but because every blessing we have is because he gave it to us. We could never pay God back for all he has given us. All we are is because of him. It's not by our own power, it's because of him. To question God is to believe we are more powerful than God. It is to tell God, "Yeah, you created us and all, but I got this from here. I know better than you." 

Uh, yeah, it doesn't work that way. 

So yes, God has been wrathful to his people. But he created us. He asks us to follow certain rules. And he gives abundantly. If we constantly push him out of our lives, and continue to take from him without giving back, why should he continue to give? Why should he be generous to us? Why should he keep us safe when we keep telling him that we don't need him? 

Our God is a good father. He is a good provider. He is generous and kind and full of grace. Our only job is to love him and love his people, and we will continue to be blessed by him. Step outside that, and we are at his mercy. And being that we are imperfect and sinful by nature, we are ALWAYS at his mercy. 

If I'm ever in abundance, I must never look down on those below me - not even once. I could easily be in their shoes with one disaster. If I ever have more knowledge than someone at work, I must never think too highly of myself or too low of them. I once knew nothing and I had to learn. If someone is stumbling in their faith, I must never judge them, but should offer a helping hand or a kind word of encouragement. I never know what weakness will cause me to stumble, and my eyes must remain on Jesus to keep my path true. 

Any success I have comes from the Lord. It is through his blessings that I prosper, that I gain knowledge, that I live in comfort to practice my faith. 

The healthy choice of Godliness

There are two paths in life - the narrow path that leads to God, and the wide path that leads to destruction. With just those two facts, it's easy to choose the narrow path. But the thing is, the wider path often offers promises of easy fortune, less work, a chance to move ahead, instant pleasure, and other rewards. The path to God takes a lot of work, you may never get rich or gain a lot of attention, and there will be plenty of times when the earthly suffering outweighs the earthly reward. But when you look at the big picture, it's clear that the narrow path is the right path to take. This is because the ultimate satisfaction is based on your relationship with God, whereas the wide path leans on materialistic things for joy...and there's never enough. 

This truth became clear to me when I thought about it in terms of food. Right now, I'm focusing on eating well. My natural inclination is to reach for sweets, processed snacks, all the carbs, etc. If I'm in a social gathering, the impulse is even greater. Everyone else around me is eating these decadent treats, why can't I? 

And so I indulge, believing I will feel better. And upon the first taste, I DO feel better. The food is delicious. Sometimes it takes my breath away, it's so good. As long as it's in front of me, I can't stop thinking about it. And so I finish that piece of food. 

But then...I feel terrible. I feel the burden I have just placed on my body, sure that the weight is already showing up. I feel sluggish, unable to move fast. The thought of exercise overwhelms me. Sometimes I even get physically ill, having eaten food I know doesn't agree with my body. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't want to listen to what my body is telling me, and I continue to crave the food that isn't good with me. 

However, staying away from all those bad-for-me foods is slowly shifting my way of thinking. As long as I refrain from eating bad, it's easy to stick to healthy eating. And while I don't experience  that instant burst of exciting enjoyment I get from desserts or fatty foods, I do get a growing satisfaction from the healthy foods. And I can bank on the fact that these wholesome feelings won't go away.  

When our focus is on God, our joy remains - even when times are tough. But when our focus is on materialistic things or the promises of the wide path, our joy is short lived. The satisfaction wanes until the next big high can be achieved. 

Choose the narrow path. Choose God. Choose a forever kind of joy, one you can depend on no matter the curcumstance. And while you're at it, choose health, as well.

Airing my dirty laundry

Allow me to air my dirty laundry...literally.

This morning I came out to my garage to find all the clean clothes I had just washed and dried were now laying all over the dirty floor, mingling with other dirty laundry. It seems that one of my lovely teenage children decided to do their laundry, and was inconvenienced by my laundry that was still in the dryer. Rather than put it in a basket, this child placed it in an overflowing heap on a chair in the garage. 

When I discovered the scene, I was seeing red! I was ready to lash out at the guilty party and let them know my fury. Thankfully, I had to leave for work, and had 20 minutes to stew in my anger...and to come to my senses. 

My husband, who received my initial angry text about the terrible act, also gave me a little perspective. He, who is usually the strict parent, reminded me that it was just laundry. 

Yes. It's just laundry. And teaching my teen the proper way to handle leftover clothes - with kindness! - is a much better way to get the message across than to unleash my vengeful monster inside. 

My anger had been like a poison inside of me, and the person I was hurting most was me. Had I said everything I had been thinking on that drive, I would have driven a wedge between my teen and me, and no positive lesson would have been learned. 

But with a gentle reminder, the seed is planted. Kind words are always better. Especially with teens. 😉  

Work for the Lord

The last two weeks at my job have been really pleasant, since a lot of people have been gone for vacation. The work load has been light and everyone has been in a cheerful mood. I've gone to work happy every day, and left feeling grateful for my job. 

And yet, in the back of my mind I have dreaded today. Today is when the work load goes back to normal, and stress is bound to overwhelm me. 

But it doesn't have to be that way. I can envelop myself with a cloak of thankfulness, grateful that I have a job, and grateful for my coworkers and the creative aspects of my job. Most of all, I can forget about working for people - those who are only looking to the dollar instead of to the worker - and instead do my work for God, who delights in my efforts and sees all that I do. 

Today I will focus on my savior, and work for Him. 💕 

The Sabbath is a gift

The Sabbath isn't just a command from God, it's a gift. It's a day God set aside for all of us to rest, and to draw closer to Him. When you honor the Sabbath, you are recharging your energy for the coming week. You need the Sabbath to be more productive every other day. 

So make it a priority to set one day aside a week to rest. Prepare for it by getting all your work done on the other days. Then when the Sabbath comes, turn off your phone, let go of your email, and put aside your work. Take the day to enjoy your family and friends, or take some time to yourself. Go on a hike. Sit by a river. Read the Bible or an inspirational book. Be one with nature and your God. 

Make the Sabbath holy, and receive the gift your God has blessed you with. ❤️ 

I am still a Child in Faith....

It's been so long since I've written here. However, I think of this blog often. It was one of my safe places, a place where I could be authentic as I grew closer to God. It was also were I grew as a person, as well. So much was happening when I was actively writing here. I was a new single mother, trying to find my place in a world full of couples. I didn't feel like I belonged.

It was the love from friends and family that lifted me up and kept me standing on my own two feet. In the time I was writing this blog before, I developed extremely close friendships that felt vital to my life. In that season, they were. I learned that I was more than "just a girl." I learned I was a strong woman - I just needed a little help finding my strength. These friends held my hand as I took baby steps and helped me to see that I do belong.

But seasons end, and so did some of those friendships. My heart was broken over this, and I spilled many tears. However, time has a way of healing. It also offers perspective. I was beginning to depend on these friendships as a definition of my life, and I grew jealous if anyone seemed to be taking my place. What once felt good was starting to feel bad. The season was ending, and I was holding on too strong. And when I let go, everything broke.

But it had to break, because I needed to be put back together.

Today, I am no longer a lost single mother. I am a married woman with two teenage kids of my own and a stepson in his twenties. We live a stable life, with a steady income and have very good jobs. I have fulfilled my dream of being an author and have several books under my belt. Life has shifted dramatically.

Now, I can look at every step of my past and see the reason why it happened. I can see how each heartache led me to joy. I can see how some friendships were vital for a moment, and I cherish that moment tremendously. And I'm so happy to have a few of these friendships back in my life, once again - not in a dependent way, but in a celebratory way.

My life has changed. I have changed. But one thing remains the same - I am still a Child in Faith.

I am considering taking up this blog again, but under my own name and not "Just a Girl." Currently, I do most of my talking with God in my personal journal. And I have never felt closer to my Creator than I do now. But it would be nice to return to blogging about my faith. There are things I felt once when I was writing this blog that are different now (for instance, I have a healthy appreciation of the Old Testament now, when I once had a hard time with it). And there are thoughts I'd love to share with anyone who wants to be a part of this community.

You can catch me on Instagram at instagram.com/childinfaith. If you're curious about my books, I have a website at crissilangwell.com.

I look forward to reconnecting. :-)

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

She had left the convent she had spent years praying and teaching in. Suffering from Tuberculosis, she was on a train to Darjeeling with the intent of recuperating and resting. It was on this train that she heard His voice, the voice of God. He ordered her to leave the convent for good, and live among the poor and work with them. And so in just several years time she had started with a school in the slums to teach the children of the poor. And in a couple more the "Home of the Dying" was started under her direction. This woman denied herself all luxuries and comforts in favor of tirelessly helping those in need.

"I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: ‘My son did this to me.’ I begged her: You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him. It took me a long time to make her say: ‘I forgive my son.’ Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand."

She lived by grace. This woman saw suffering every day. She saw injustices the world could never imagine. She held it in her hands. Forgiveness was the only way. "If we really want to love we must learn to forgive." Hers was a religion of love.

"There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. I’ve always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic. We believe our work should be our example to people. We have among us 475 souls - 30 families are Catholics and the rest are all Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs—all different religions. But they all come to our prayers."

"There are so many religions and each one has its different ways of following God. I follow Christ:
Jesus is my God,
Jesus is my Spouse,
Jesus is my Life,
Jesus is my only Love,
Jesus is my All in All;
Jesus is my Everything."

She never loved to convert. Her service to those in need was for no reason but to love them. There was no ulterior motive. Her work was in honor of God, she did not place that on anyone else, or claimed that their way of honoring God was wrong. Every being that she helped held the face of God, every soul she touched was the very soul of Jesus. She understood the need for love, the hunger to be reached out to. God commanded us to go forth and love others as He loves us. And she did just that, simply and honestly and without expectation.

Mother Teresa was an inspiration to the world and an example of how we are to love.

And during all of this, during her love of those who needed love, care for those who needed care, help for the sick and dying, her life as an example of the love of Jesus, Mother Teresa struggled. For shortly after she came to Calcutta to live among the poor, Mother Teresa suffered a feeling of abandonment from the Lord. When once she heard Him speaking to her clear as day, she now heard nothing.

Mother Teresa described this time as "the darkness". She had known Jesus as her light and her salvation. Yet, she now lived in the darkness. And she struggled with her faith. She feared she might be a hypocrite by telling the world about the love of Jesus, her love for Jesus, when she wasn't even sure if she still had faith in Jesus. She even asked God for forgiveness for her stumbling faith in her letters, adding as a byline "if there is a God".

This news came through letters that had been hidden from the world and that were recently made public. And it sent a shockwave through the world. Mother Teresa, the woman who gave such love in the name of Jesus Christ, was not exactly 100% sure of her faith. This made her....

Human.

What a relief! I'm human too. And so are countless other Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Jews....... I'm willing to bet that everyone of faith has lacked faith at least once in their walk, especially those who are active in their faith. How can we not? There are so many unanswered questions in faith, so much that we with our human minds could not possibly comprehend no matter how much we prayed, studied the bible, researched history..... It's only natural that our faith might take a tumble from time to time, and for some of us, never return.

And yet this crisis in faith is rarely talked about. And if it is, it is never talked about in first person but rather about an "outsider". No, a real Christian would never question God's existence. A real Christian would never wonder if Jesus really was the son of God, if he was merely a man that people believed was the son of God? A real Christian would never wonder if Mary had merely gotten herself into a bad situation and created a lie to save herself from a stoning. A real Christian would not have confusion over whose words she was actually reading in the bible: God's or man's?

Friends, if this is true, then I am not a real Christian.

You know what I find most admirable about Mother Teresa's crisis in faith? Even though Mother Teresa felt an absence from God, even though she was not entirely sure He was there, even though she wasn't sure who it was that ordered her to leave the convent and live among the poor, her life path never changed. She felt like a hypocrite, yet her love for mankind never faltered. She still gave of herself unconditionally, bringing light to those who were in their own darkness. And I can even believe that Mother Teresa, in her darkness, could better understand these lost souls that the world had given up on. I believe that God's distance from her served his purpose through her.

And I believe that when Mother Teresa moved onto the next world, God revealed Himself to her after all those years of absence, and welcomed his obedient daughter home.

Be silent. Be still.

Life is hard. With all these different ways to connect: the internet, the phone at my hip, email, noisy coffee shops, work day in and day out....and yet loneliness tends to be the biggest feeling. And then there's this place of being in between romantic relationships. What I should be doing. What I should be wearing. Who I wish I'd be. Where I really should be on a Saturday night. What size clothes I should be wearing. Where I should be at 29. Never being enough. Noise. Constant noise. The world is just too noisy sometimes...... And yet....

I get scared of the silence.



In the silence, we're never truly alone. Perhaps in the silence we can find we really are loved, and we really are great, and we really are created perfect....in the image of God.

Brother Against Brother

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" Romans 11:33



The biggest problem in the Christian community is the need to argue amongst ourselves about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to belief. Arguments like these are very dangerous, as mini wars amongst ourselves and our brothers and sisters evolve. Churches are splitting up. Christians are verbally attacking other Christians over difference in views of God, ways of attaining understanding, the ranking level of values, and what is true in biblical history. Believers walk away from their faith as the very foundation of Christianity becomes uprooted. The most important issue becomes HOW to believe and not just simply being God's children and the salt and light of the world. How are we to be an inspiration to those around us when the politics of the religion become bigger than God Himself?

There are many different churches that call themselves Christian. There's the Presbyterians, the Catholics, the Protestants, the Baptists, the Lutherans, the Quakers, the Mormons, the Evangelicals.... Each church is completely different, and their belief system and preachings are ranked in drastically different orders of importance. One may view sin as the most important area to preach on. Another may view love as the most important. Still another may focus on sitting in silence so that the Holy Spirit may move through them. And another may view history of where the religion came from most important of all. Some may believe that the Bible is literal, word for word. Another may view the Bible is half literal and half metaphorical. And still another may view the whole Bible as open for interpretation. And if you step into the different souls that attend these churches, the beliefs and values vary in a dizzying array.

When it all comes down to it, they are all trying to reach God, and believe their way to be the way to get there. And if it's really thought about, is there anything wrong with trying to reach God? Does it really matter if one person takes the bible literally, and another takes it metaphorically? Will God really deny those who do not interpret the Bible exactly "right" the Kingdom of Heaven? If that were the case, I think ALL of us would be in trouble, for who can really wrap their whole mind around God, understanding the ins and outs of it all?

As my own person, I know what works for me and what doesn't in my journey to God. What I find stifling to my relationship to God is another person's inspiration to God. And vice versa. What I find absolutely exhilarating in discovering more about God others may absolutely abhor. But when Christians battle other Christians for not believing exactly the same way, the whole purpose of being God's children becomes lost in the battle. We are brothers and sisters under the same Father, and yet we are arguing over who deserves the bigger inheritance for being more faithful.

What if God just loves all of us, marvelling at our vast differences, appreciating all our journeys as we strive to reach Him? What if the most important thing to God was that we were trying to reach Him in our best way possible and in the best way we could understand, and not HOW we were getting there? What if we were the only ones who were really responsible for our own journey, and no one could do it for us?

What if we were all simply God's creation, all created separately with different views and beliefs and values and attributes, but all equal in His eyes nonetheless, and all our souls created in His image?

Psalm 133
A song of ascents. Of David.
How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!
It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.
It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

This morning I read Romans 3-5. I took particular interest in Romans 5:12-21, "Death through Adam, Life through Christ". And this is what I wanted to journal on. I will try to behave myself as much as possible!

Romans 5:18-19
"Just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man will be made righteous."



This passage is of course talking about the fall of man through Adam, and the salvation of man through Jesus. When Adam sinned in the garden, taking the fruit from Eve from the only tree God forbade them to eat from, sin entered the life of man. The Garden of Eden closed forever for man. The only way sin could be forgiven was by offering a sacrifice to God, usually a perfect lamb with no blemish or scars. I can imagine in those days that lambs may have become scarce. Think of how often we sin, from an action to a mere thought. Because of our sinful nature, it is impossible to not sin. If we needed to sacrifice for every infraction we committed, first of all we would be more aware (which isn't really a bad thing, when you think about it....), but we would surely miss out on some sins we overlooked, and would never get in the kingdom of Heaven.

Enter Jesus. Here was a man that God gave to us as our sacrificial lamb. He was not only our perfect lamb, he was our example of how our walk should look. The sacrifice of Jesus was so great that it became unnecessary to need to sacrifice any longer for our sins. Jesus' death the sacrifice for all sins that have ever been committed, and all future sins as well. Jesus died for all of us so that we will all join God in Heaven.

But see, this is where things get confusing. There are a lot of scripture in the bible that read one cannot be saved without belief in Jesus. But then scattered sparingly through the bible are scriptures like this, everyone is saved through Jesus. The many were made sinners through Adam. Not just a select few of us either. The many of us can safely be assumed to mean all of us, for who of any of us is without sin? And if it is clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who was affected by Adam's sin, it seems like it should be clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who is made righteous through the sacrifice of Jesus.

And it makes sense. If the fall of Adam led to the sinful nature of everyone, wouldn't the death of Jesus, God's son, have even more power to save all of us? Why would he sacrifice himself for only a select people when the sin of Adam affected EVERYONE? And beyond that, if sin is a sin, none better and none worse, and if disbelief in Jesus is considered a sin, how is that worse than any of my sins? How will one's sin of disbelief damn them any more than any of my sins? What makes me more deserving of the kingdom of heaven than someone who doesn't believe things the way I do?

These are just thought probing questions, I am not giving answers here. Coming across these passages really isn't ammo for some new war against religion. I cannot take these verses and disregard the rest of the bible. But I also cannot take the rest of the bible and disregard these verses. But reading these verses gives me hope. It is true that I hold reservations about religion in general, for every religion claims that they are the only true religion, that they are the only ones who know the truth, and everyone else is screwed. I don't think I'll ever believe that any one religion is absolutely correct, including Christianity. Religions are not God. God is God. And we will never know the whole entire truth until we are in the kingdom of Heaven. However, I do believe Christianity has a good hold on the truth. I wouldn't consider myself a Christian if I didn't. But I do think we can learn from other faiths to strengthen our own. We are all one people under God, on different paths that lead to God, and I would like to think that if we could open our eyes to wisdom in all corners of the earth, it might get us even closer to God than we ever thought possible.

Lord, I thank you for providing us a way to get to you through Jesus. I even thank you that we have a choice now in how we live our lives and how we accept you through the sin of Adam, for it makes that choice so much sweeter, and the journey that much more wondrous. And even more wondrous, you have chosen me whether I am faithful or not. Lord, I cannot even find words to describe how wonderful that feels, and how grateful I am for you in my life.
Lord, please guide me in this journey to you. It has been my desire, even in times I stopped walking and stood still, to know the truth of you in this world. I truly believe you are in many things that are foreign to me, as well as the things that are familiar to me. But I admit to having a hard time seeking your wisdom without also drowning in lies and doubts over you.
Lord, I ask you to protect my soul as I travel through the fires to reach you. I want my life to radiate as much of you as possible before I join you in the next life. But to do that, I know I need your guidance. And my faith must be strong. Please be my shield.
Amen.

Reflections

I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. It kind of goes along with the territory of ceasing to depend on things outside myself for my own self worth. It's been a hard process to go through, and I'm struggling in every single step.

I figured that the best place for me would be to open up my bible. I woke up with a start from a dream very early this morning. I can't remember the dream, but I felt God telling me that I was supposed to get up.

I can't explain why God talks to me. I don't feel I've done anything extraordinary in being faithful to Him. But it seems like whenever I welcome Him in, He arrives full force. We have full on conversations, God and I.

Anyway, I obediently got up, dusted off my bible, and went in the front room to read. With a great cup of coffee, I settled into the comfy chair. Where to start? I thumbed through it, taking out the millions of leaflets from my days of church, reading this passage and that which I had taken notes on. And I finally decided to follow a friend of mine and start in Romans.

I like Romans. It's straight forward and tells it like it is. There's no beating around the bush. My favorite verses are in Romans, Romans 14. So I started here. I began with Romans 1. Then I read through Romans 2. But something was clicking in Romans 2. I kept stopping myself and rereading passages. And I realized that I needed to start journaling to go along with reading, so I got out my notebook and wrote down this verse:

(Romans 2:3-4)
"So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you towards repentance?"

Whoa.

I have been guilty of finding passages and using them to my power, to strengthen my fight against fundamentalism. I have pointed fingers, judging those I felt were judging others. And then in all this, in my fight to be right and against all that I felt unjust in religion, I stopped seeking God. And even worse, I made myself believe I was still just as faith seeking as ever. In reality, I was self-seeking, and self-serving. I was no longer a disciple of God. I no longer sought to strengthen my faith and overcome my shortcomings. The only studying I did of the bible was to find passages to prove what I thought was right.

In all this, though I thought I was close to God, I actually stepped farther away from my faith than I ever had before, and began questioning the very things I used to be sure of. I ignored all the warning signs, negatively focusing on everything I felt was wrong, and missing all in my faith that is right. And I find myself in a scary spot, rebuilding my foundation in God.

The last line of those selected verses is where the hope lies. God's kindness will lead me to repentance. You see, we are never truly apart from God. He is always with us. And He always WANTS us. And when we accept that, He is always there with open arms, ready to forgive. God does not hold grudges, no matter how many times we fail Him. And I have failed Him. If I truly want the world to believe the truth that I feel, it is my walk that will speak the loudest. And right now, my walk is pretty weak and without substance.

Now is the process of restoring my faith from small to overwhelming. I am trying to relearn how to be close to God, wanting the same things He wants for my life. It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty painful. But I am willing to go through the necessary steps to get back to God, seeking His guidance in living for His glory, and not my own.

Child in Faith

I vow to trust You, to depend on You. No longer will I be disappointed by the failings of man living up to MY expectations, for You are perfect and provide me with everything I need. You know all my innermost secrets and desires, and love me as I am. I do not need to shout out the contents of my soul, for YOU know. And that is all that matters. All I'm waiting on, all I'm anxious to happen, it's already here with You. All I pray for every single night when the world has gone to sleep, You are giving to me just by hearing me. There is nothing of this world that will give me more satisfaction than being Your child. I am exhausting myself needlessly, and I'm sorry it has taken this long to see Your unfailing love for me. I am sorry I ever put other idols in front of You, and I'm sorry I ever doubted Your power so much that I trusted everything more than You, including myself. I am done, I have come to my senses, and I thank You for accepting me, time and time again, even when I fail You. May I always be a child in faith, for no matter how much I fight it, I will always be Your child.

The Anchor

For the last several weeks, my son has been extra clingy. It's been kind of nice, actually, as he has been content in just being at my side, or in my lap, or holding my hand, or interrupting whatever he is doing to come up and give me a really big hug. And I've been happy to comply. But I also wonder about what's going on inside of him that is making him so needy for me.

I've been working a lot lately. For the past three months I have been working full time at my job in a temporary position. Thankfully I move back to part time this next week, and I get Mondays off of work, giving me a three day weekend (yay!). But all Lucas has known is that I am gone almost the whole week, and it has been that way since September. His interaction with me is in the morning getting ready for school, and for three hours before bedtime. It has finally reached a head for him, and now when I am home, it is like he is soaking up lost time as furiously as he can. It also seems like he's afraid of losing me. It seems that the poor little guy has gone through so many changes in his young life, that he is afraid that if he doesn't hold onto me for dear life, I might leave too.

I have been taking this time just listening to him, and he has been opening up to me. He's gotten out some pretty hard feelings that he cried about having. But I could sense the relief in him for getting these difficult feelings out, ones I know he has been conflicted in having, and I can see his healing process take place. He is finally opening up to me about things he thought I'd hate him for. I have just held him, rocked his little body, and told him I could never hate my favorite little boy in the whole world, and that I was so proud of him for understanding his feelings and being honest about them.

He's been really emotional lately, crying at the drop of a hat over lots of things that would normally not even touch him. My role has been to be strong for him, to be the anchor he can hold onto while he misses certain parts of his life that are no longer, that he has had to become older than his 6 years to overcome.



In essence, isn't this the role God has with us? As I have been going through my own life changes, and as I have been strong for my son, I have my own questions and feelings that would have been hard to go through on my own without an anchor. I have prayed plenty, and have felt times when God held my own body in the folds of his warmth, slowly rocking it as I cried into the robes of his breath. And in sadness, I realize he's been there all the time, through all the changes I have gone through, and through the changes I am still going through.

Aren't we fortunate to have a God who knows us, who cares about us, who will never abandon us in our time of need, even when we push him aside? Aren't we fortunate to be able to be held and rocked in those times of turmoil, when we feel like the world is pushing us away, wanting nothing more to do with us?

In Buddhism they call this feeling enlightenment and Nirvana. In Christianity, they call it mysticism.

It is the feeling of God overcoming us, passing through us, proving his existance with the very presence of Him. It's the benefit of having a personal relationship with God, and one he does not fail in giving to us. It's what Jacob experienced when he saw God open up the Heavens. It's what Frances of Assissi experienced when he embraced a leper and felt God's undeniable presence,and understood his role in life serving God. It's what Mother Theresa embraced in sharing God's word without words to convince, but clear as day through her life of catering to the poor and forgotten. It's what caused Moses to lead his people from slavery and oppression, and what changed Moses' hair from dark to white upon seeing the face of God on the mountain. It's what Abraham felt as he heard God, despite living in a land where strange Gods were worshipped, and what caused Abraham to become the father of the nations. Mysticism is what Jesus experienced in His life, and what he gave back through teaching in love, and by fulfilling the ultimate act of sacrifice so that one day we would be able to experience God face to face.

It's what I have gone through in those times I have tuned out the distractions of this world and focused on God. It's the feeling He washes over me, the warm feeling that radiates through my whole being as I feel Him take over my whole body, leaving no part untouched. It's when the whole world just disappears and all I know is Him, for in that moment He is all I feel and all I hear. It is when he reassures me that He will always be my anchor, should I accept that.



This is the example I wish to give to my son in his time of need, that even though life is moving in a tornado of hurt and abandonment, confusion and disappointment, I am here, his anchor, never changing and always loving. And it is my hope that one day, when he grows too old to climb in my lap and seek comfort, he can take this relationship I have had with him and transfer it to God. It is my hope that my example will be understood by him as the love God has for us as His children, and that this love will never, ever disappear, just as my love for him will never disappear.

Savoring the moment....

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

I also thought, "As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"
So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?" Ecclesiastes 3:18-22

I am officially joining the work force on Monday. I got the job! Goodbye to typing up in the sun, hello to my own cubicle. Goodbye to sporadic work and sporadic pay, and to staying in sweats all day long, hello to set work hours and a reliable check, and to pantyhose and blouses.

Hello to working and feeling like I'm accomplishing something.

I was reading the bible today, and I fell across the above scripture. And it just called to me. Right now I am excited about this job. But, as with every worker, jobs can feel like a burden. And I know I will experience this as I fall into my routine. But in life, the way to live is to do everything with meaning. Our whole lives are an act of worship to God. And work is no exeption. It is better to accept our work as a part of life, to see that being human does not afford us the right to be too good for work. If we do work because we HAVE to, we end up HATING it, dreading work, and run the great risk of putting forth our poorest efforts. But if we put forth our best efforts, and remembering WHY we are doing our best, we are honoring God.

Thich Naht Hanh, one of many spiritual leaders whose works I love reading to learn from, puts it in this way (I have replaced "Buddha" with "Jesus" so that the point is not construed:

Bathing a Newborn "Jesus"
-- Thich Nhat Hanh

To my mind, the idea that doing the dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you are not doing them. Once you are standing in front of the sink with your sleeves rolled up and your hands in warm water, it really is not so bad. I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to go and have a cup of tea, the time will be unpleasant and not worth living. That would be a pity, for each minute, each second of life is a miracle. The dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are miracles! Each bowl I wash, each poem I compose, each time I invite a bell to sound is a miracle, each has exactly the same value. One day, while washing a bowl, I felt that my movements were as sacred and respectful as bathing a newborn Jesus. If he were to read this, that newborn Jesus would certainly be happy for me, and not at all insulted at being compared with a bowl.

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane. I must confess it takes me a bit longer to do the dishes, but I live fully in every moment, and I am happy. Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end that is, not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them.

If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of drinking the tea joyfully. With the cup in my hands I will be thinking about what to do next, and the fragrance and the flavor of the tea, together with the pleasure of drinking it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment."

May I always remember to present each motion of my life as a gift to God! If we all did this, our life of worship could create betterment in our lives, in those things that threaten to be mundane. And it will spread like wildfire to those around us, and to those around them. And so on. May I bring that to my new job, and to all the changes that are going on in my life. May I live in this moment, savoring it for all its worth, rather than living for many tomorrows from now when "life will be easier". The miracle is NOW. Praise God!