Airing my dirty laundry

Allow me to air my dirty laundry...literally.

This morning I came out to my garage to find all the clean clothes I had just washed and dried were now laying all over the dirty floor, mingling with other dirty laundry. It seems that one of my lovely teenage children decided to do their laundry, and was inconvenienced by my laundry that was still in the dryer. Rather than put it in a basket, this child placed it in an overflowing heap on a chair in the garage. 

When I discovered the scene, I was seeing red! I was ready to lash out at the guilty party and let them know my fury. Thankfully, I had to leave for work, and had 20 minutes to stew in my anger...and to come to my senses. 

My husband, who received my initial angry text about the terrible act, also gave me a little perspective. He, who is usually the strict parent, reminded me that it was just laundry. 

Yes. It's just laundry. And teaching my teen the proper way to handle leftover clothes - with kindness! - is a much better way to get the message across than to unleash my vengeful monster inside. 

My anger had been like a poison inside of me, and the person I was hurting most was me. Had I said everything I had been thinking on that drive, I would have driven a wedge between my teen and me, and no positive lesson would have been learned. 

But with a gentle reminder, the seed is planted. Kind words are always better. Especially with teens. 😉  

I am still a Child in Faith....

It's been so long since I've written here. However, I think of this blog often. It was one of my safe places, a place where I could be authentic as I grew closer to God. It was also were I grew as a person, as well. So much was happening when I was actively writing here. I was a new single mother, trying to find my place in a world full of couples. I didn't feel like I belonged.

It was the love from friends and family that lifted me up and kept me standing on my own two feet. In the time I was writing this blog before, I developed extremely close friendships that felt vital to my life. In that season, they were. I learned that I was more than "just a girl." I learned I was a strong woman - I just needed a little help finding my strength. These friends held my hand as I took baby steps and helped me to see that I do belong.

But seasons end, and so did some of those friendships. My heart was broken over this, and I spilled many tears. However, time has a way of healing. It also offers perspective. I was beginning to depend on these friendships as a definition of my life, and I grew jealous if anyone seemed to be taking my place. What once felt good was starting to feel bad. The season was ending, and I was holding on too strong. And when I let go, everything broke.

But it had to break, because I needed to be put back together.

Today, I am no longer a lost single mother. I am a married woman with two teenage kids of my own and a stepson in his twenties. We live a stable life, with a steady income and have very good jobs. I have fulfilled my dream of being an author and have several books under my belt. Life has shifted dramatically.

Now, I can look at every step of my past and see the reason why it happened. I can see how each heartache led me to joy. I can see how some friendships were vital for a moment, and I cherish that moment tremendously. And I'm so happy to have a few of these friendships back in my life, once again - not in a dependent way, but in a celebratory way.

My life has changed. I have changed. But one thing remains the same - I am still a Child in Faith.

I am considering taking up this blog again, but under my own name and not "Just a Girl." Currently, I do most of my talking with God in my personal journal. And I have never felt closer to my Creator than I do now. But it would be nice to return to blogging about my faith. There are things I felt once when I was writing this blog that are different now (for instance, I have a healthy appreciation of the Old Testament now, when I once had a hard time with it). And there are thoughts I'd love to share with anyone who wants to be a part of this community.

You can catch me on Instagram at instagram.com/childinfaith. If you're curious about my books, I have a website at crissilangwell.com.

I look forward to reconnecting. :-)

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

The Anchor

For the last several weeks, my son has been extra clingy. It's been kind of nice, actually, as he has been content in just being at my side, or in my lap, or holding my hand, or interrupting whatever he is doing to come up and give me a really big hug. And I've been happy to comply. But I also wonder about what's going on inside of him that is making him so needy for me.

I've been working a lot lately. For the past three months I have been working full time at my job in a temporary position. Thankfully I move back to part time this next week, and I get Mondays off of work, giving me a three day weekend (yay!). But all Lucas has known is that I am gone almost the whole week, and it has been that way since September. His interaction with me is in the morning getting ready for school, and for three hours before bedtime. It has finally reached a head for him, and now when I am home, it is like he is soaking up lost time as furiously as he can. It also seems like he's afraid of losing me. It seems that the poor little guy has gone through so many changes in his young life, that he is afraid that if he doesn't hold onto me for dear life, I might leave too.

I have been taking this time just listening to him, and he has been opening up to me. He's gotten out some pretty hard feelings that he cried about having. But I could sense the relief in him for getting these difficult feelings out, ones I know he has been conflicted in having, and I can see his healing process take place. He is finally opening up to me about things he thought I'd hate him for. I have just held him, rocked his little body, and told him I could never hate my favorite little boy in the whole world, and that I was so proud of him for understanding his feelings and being honest about them.

He's been really emotional lately, crying at the drop of a hat over lots of things that would normally not even touch him. My role has been to be strong for him, to be the anchor he can hold onto while he misses certain parts of his life that are no longer, that he has had to become older than his 6 years to overcome.



In essence, isn't this the role God has with us? As I have been going through my own life changes, and as I have been strong for my son, I have my own questions and feelings that would have been hard to go through on my own without an anchor. I have prayed plenty, and have felt times when God held my own body in the folds of his warmth, slowly rocking it as I cried into the robes of his breath. And in sadness, I realize he's been there all the time, through all the changes I have gone through, and through the changes I am still going through.

Aren't we fortunate to have a God who knows us, who cares about us, who will never abandon us in our time of need, even when we push him aside? Aren't we fortunate to be able to be held and rocked in those times of turmoil, when we feel like the world is pushing us away, wanting nothing more to do with us?

In Buddhism they call this feeling enlightenment and Nirvana. In Christianity, they call it mysticism.

It is the feeling of God overcoming us, passing through us, proving his existance with the very presence of Him. It's the benefit of having a personal relationship with God, and one he does not fail in giving to us. It's what Jacob experienced when he saw God open up the Heavens. It's what Frances of Assissi experienced when he embraced a leper and felt God's undeniable presence,and understood his role in life serving God. It's what Mother Theresa embraced in sharing God's word without words to convince, but clear as day through her life of catering to the poor and forgotten. It's what caused Moses to lead his people from slavery and oppression, and what changed Moses' hair from dark to white upon seeing the face of God on the mountain. It's what Abraham felt as he heard God, despite living in a land where strange Gods were worshipped, and what caused Abraham to become the father of the nations. Mysticism is what Jesus experienced in His life, and what he gave back through teaching in love, and by fulfilling the ultimate act of sacrifice so that one day we would be able to experience God face to face.

It's what I have gone through in those times I have tuned out the distractions of this world and focused on God. It's the feeling He washes over me, the warm feeling that radiates through my whole being as I feel Him take over my whole body, leaving no part untouched. It's when the whole world just disappears and all I know is Him, for in that moment He is all I feel and all I hear. It is when he reassures me that He will always be my anchor, should I accept that.



This is the example I wish to give to my son in his time of need, that even though life is moving in a tornado of hurt and abandonment, confusion and disappointment, I am here, his anchor, never changing and always loving. And it is my hope that one day, when he grows too old to climb in my lap and seek comfort, he can take this relationship I have had with him and transfer it to God. It is my hope that my example will be understood by him as the love God has for us as His children, and that this love will never, ever disappear, just as my love for him will never disappear.

My son, the soccer star

This video is funny. Lucas' team is the blue team. Lucas is #9, the one with the yellow shirt on making the goal. On the other team, the one kicking off, is the brother of my daughter's first friend and soccer mate. His dad is the coach, and Summer's very first coach for three years. His son is yelling at him to stop telling him when to go. You can hear me laughing in the background, along with my daughter. Are these 4 and 5 year olds not the cutest things you have ever seen?

Lucas LOVES soccer. If you haven't seen me on most of these weekends, it is because our family has been living at the soccer field. That's right. We're there so much, that I have brought my tent out of storage, and we live right there behind field #4. There's a porta potty and everything. And if you're really desperate, there's plenty of trees lining the field.

Anyway, Lucas is quite the soccer champ. His non-stop energy and inability to sit still all comes into play on the soccer field. For when that ball comes out, Lucas is on it like a hawk. His eyes never leave the ball, and he drives it down the field. Today he made 7 goals, and his game average is 5 goals. Yes, my baby is going to get him some edumacation college style through a sports scholarship. That's the plan, and there ain't no Plan B. ;-)



Oh, don't pay any attention to the kid pulling the shirt up over his head between plays. Um....

But the one problem in soccer, is that there are more than 3 soccer players to a team. in the Under 6 league, soccer games are played three on three. And they split one field into two, so six soccer players can play at a time. This means that 4 or more players can be seen sitting on the blanket waiting to be called in. This is fine for those players that would rather be picking flowers or their noses. But Lucas does NOT like sitting out, and he takes it personally when he has to.



This is what Lucas does when he has to wait his turn, and the game ends with him sitting on the blanket. He has to listen to his coach. He can't just go in and keep playing. But he has to do something about it. So he cries.

Don't worry. He got over it. Once I fed him, he forgot the tears. :-) And it helps that his coach really takes Lucas under his wing. After the blanket fiasco, Lucas wanted to go home. I had a talk with him about sportsmanship, and that he needed to "suck it up" (I was a bit gentler than that), and congratulate the other team.



His coach took over, and after a good coach talk and a pat on the back, as well as a promise of more playing time next game, he sent him on his way to give a high five and a "good game" to the other players.

If you wish to see more videos before you recruit Lucas for your soccer team and pay his mom/agent millions of dollars in royalties, please click here. If you just want to see Lucas play, go ahead and click the link, too. He can never have too many fans.