Brokenness

Today I attended the 90th birthday of my great aunt. It was cool seeing some of our distant family, all second and third cousins, etc., to me, and just catch up. And I got to tell my story a little to those who knew what was going on with me, and let them know just how wonderful my life is turning out.

As a tribute to my great aunt, someone put together a slide show of her life. It was truly amazing how it came out. It talked about her younger years of being this wonderful girl who went against the grain in some ways. It talked about her marriage and the great love she shared with her husband, and the generations that came from it. I thought it was all cool until it showed this one part about my second cousin (great aunt's daughter) and her marriage. I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. And I was embarassed because amongst all the sniffles from people crying over this beautiful tribute, I was selfishly crying over myself.

The truth is I saw this love and legacy being passed down throughout this family. I saw the happy faces and family continuously growing with each picture. And I realized that I did not have that now, in a way. In this moment of weakness, I mourned the loss of my marriage, regardless of how this was never a reality anyways, and mourned that I would not be growing old and happy with my children's father, creating legacies to be passed down to our generations. Our family is torn apart, and it's so unfortunate that it had to be this way. A family consists of a dad and mom, their children, and all their lives entwined in ways that keep them involved in each other's lives. A family is a unit of seperate people who support each other in ways that other's couldn't possibly. I never thought I would be in a place where my kids get to spend some of their time with me, and some of their time away from me. And when I married my ex, I never would have imagined he would be so hateful to me as he is now, forgetting all those years I loved him and did everything for him. I never thought I'd be his enemy.

I am not so ungrateful that I don't see the love and support I have in my parents, sisters, and friends. I am not so blind to see that my life is better off this way. I do enjoy being single and living life exactly my way, and creating my own future. But I'd be lying if I said I weren't heartbroken that things turned out as awful as they have. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt now and then. And it would be a lie if I claimed to not be jealous of those family units where all the pieces fit together like they are supposed to, instead of missing pieces like mine. I so long for that to be my reality.