Worthiness

So, I've been having this inner conflict that has been seperating me from God. And last night at TRIBE, we got the opportunity to take communion. I decided not to, I didn't feel deserving enough this time to take something so holy. We worshipped in song, and as we sang, I prayed. I kept praying over and over that I wasn't worthy, that I was sorry. But then the words from my Catholic youth came back to me, as if the Lord was reminding me of something...

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed.

I prayed this three times. Then I felt the holy spirit inside of me, just a little. I wasn't overtaken, but I could feel the Lord's presence. I felt him telling me to take of Him, I was worthy. And so I did with thanks.

After TRIBE, several of us stayed behind and talked. I so enjoy the fellowship, as these are some of the most wonderful people I know. It was Gina (yes, you!) who made the most dramatic impact on me. She spoke words that had to come from God, for they were the words I needed to hear. She told me of times that she felt burdened by things, and let them get in the way of her relationship with God. It was at those times she felt the Lord telling her to put down those burdens and just dance with Him, that she was worthy. In essence, she was reminding me that we do not need to be perfect to have a close relationship with Jesus. I needed this. Gina, I am touched by your intimacy with God. You are, and have been to me, an inspiration in how I want my walk with the Lord to look.

I can see God working little reminders into my day to show me that He is there and that He cares. After going through several frantic and stressful weeks, I can feel a calmness coming back. And I know it goes hand in hand with my trust in the Lord. It is amazing how much I feel like I am struggling for air when I do not depend on the Lord. But when I give in and tell the Lord I trust Him, and that I am allowing His work to happen, everything is serene. I am worthy. The Lord accepts me, my struggles, and my faults. But to him, I am perfect. And the Lord is perfect. All those things I am seeking for and have been unable to find, they lie in Him. He is my other half, the one I am always so sure I am missing. But when I let Him, He fills me up. So excuse me while I shut out the world, lay down any guilt and burdens I am carrying, and go dance with my Lord!

Lord, I am worthy to receive you. You created me, and adopted me into your family. You would have it no other way. To know that you love me despite my faults, this is the love I have been searching for. You love me. And you always have, even when I just didn't know it. Thank you for your neverfailing love, and may I be an outlet of your love to the world!
Amen