Monday, January 31, 2005

At His Mercy

Today's been rough. I felt nauseous all day because of last night, and the fact that today I filed with the DA for child support. I've sporadiacally been getting child support from my ex, but through the DA, it will be more regular, and I won't have to deal with him where money's involved. Of course, the nervousness is due to what he will do when he finds out that money is being taken directly out of his paycheck for me. I know him, and he would have stopped paying me to pay for this baby that's on its way.

And of course that bothers me too. He's having a baby with someone else. Our divorce isn't even final yet. Of course, the body was still warm when he shacked up with her a month after I left. But here's this 20 year old girl giving up her whole life to have a baby. They live in this one bedroom shack, and barely have two pennies to scrape together. He can't even hardly afford to pay for his own kids. And now she is giving up college and the whole thing, and they will be giving up her paycheck as her due date gets closer. What are her parents going to think? Well, I guess the same thing my parents thought when I came home 19 and pregnant 7 1/2 years ago.

I did finally eat today, and I am really trying to give this to the Lord. I am taking this all better than I would have several months ago. And I even found my Call to Worship today. Last night I typed up this big old thing, and still didn't feel the message I wanted to bring across. So tonight before I got into the word, I said a little prayer that the Lord would lead me to where I needed to be. And He did. I found exactly what I had been trying to get out all along, and now feel ready for next Sunday.

And of course my Call to Worship pertains to my weaknesses right now, laying it all at the Lord's feet and just focusing on the path ahead, something I've been singing about in the past several posts. This one's just a little harder to swallow since it deals with my fears about my ex (internally and externally), and my issues with the past coming back to life. But my shield is up, not yet at it's full potential, but it's building up. I have more steps to take before I'm done, and I am terrified! But I just need to be looking onward and upward, and He'll get me there. Was this how David felt before battles?

*Lord, I am at your mercy. Only you know how things will look on the other side of this mess. I want to ask where this is headed, and when it's going to stop. When is it enough? But I know you are not done. I said I was ready for your lessons, and here's my chance to prove it to you. Will I pull through? Only you know right now. But I still feel your strength in me, and I do see how much easier it is to keep going when you are my shield. Bless me Father. Keep me safe. Shield my heart and strengthen my spirit. As I keep moving forward, be the wind at my back. I need you now more than I have ever needed you in my life. I am at your mercy. Lord. I am at your mercy. I am at your mercy. I bow before you and give you my burdens and my life. I have faith that you will guide me, but please keep that faith in me as I go through each struggle. I need you. I love you.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

More battle

Ok, after writing that post this afternoon, I am even more confused. I met with my ex this evening to get the kids. He was furious that I had brought my mom. It was not good. And I was scared. He called me a bunch of names. He kept getting really close to me. He demanded to know what I was up to. Then he threatened to keep Lucas when I wouldn't react. I had already unbuckled Lucas from his carseat when my ex got in my way and closed the door again, not letting me have access to him. He threatened to keep him. I could see Lucas' face in the window. He was crying. I had just woken him up and this was the first reality to him. He must have been scared. I was scared. If he drove off with Lucas, I would have been powerless.

My ex did finally let me have Lucas. He moved out of the way, and as I got Lucas, he told me that his girlfriend was now pregnant, so I would be getting even less money from him. I pretended not to hear him. I just kissed my son and picked him up. By this time my mom saw that there was a problem and got out of the car. He continued in on her and called us both some more names. We put the kids in the car as he was driving away, honking at us. I was shaking. My mom was shaking. I'm still shaking.

I don't know what to do. What is right? He's been good to the kids, except for he pulls this crap in front of them, as if he's oblivious to their feelings. If he'd stop being so concerned about me, then he might be a good dad, right? Am I still being naive? Do I have the right now to go for full custody?

No, none of you are accompanying me on these handoffs. It would be too much.

Having a father

Apparently the Lord put my name on Mellissa's heart, because next week at 9 am I am doing Call to Worship. For anyone outside of our church circle reading this, it's when you stand in front of the church and give your testimony. (deep breath) I have a week to do this and I am already nervous. What do I say? Yes, I have many different areas in which I have grown, but which one is what I talk about? I'm afraid to even talk about my current situation, because I feel like I still have so much more growth to do in this area.

The truth is, I know what my Call to Worship is going to be. I'm just nervous about talking about it in front of the whole church. I know me and how emotional I can be, and I know I will be in tears up there. So if you've ever wanted to see what mascara looks like in water form, please come to the 9 am service on Superbowl Sunday.

Today I was reading the paper, and saw that one of my daughter's friend's father had died by police gunfire. This boy is estranged from his father, and is growing in a stable and nurturing environment. He has not spoken to his father for years because his father has not contacted him. And the one time he did, this boy refused to talk to him because of his father's previous lack of interest in him. But my heart aches for this boy who has now lost his father. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. It was a shock to read, and it makes me wonder how he is dealing with it. This boy is only 6 years old, one of five children from different mothers.

I have had my own issues weighing heavy on my heart. I've been wanting to fight for full custody of the kids. And today I am wondering if I am wanting this for the right reasons. I hate not having my kids on the weekends. Before, my ex had them Monday through Wednesday. That schedule worked well for me, because I got a break, and I also got significant time with them. But now, I don't feel like I get hardly any time with them at all. During the week my time with them is so limited. We used to usually save the weekends for fun things to do together. And I feel like I really took the weekends for granted, because now I don't have them anymore.

My goal was not to take the kids away from my ex altogether, but to make it so he only had visitation with the kids every other weekend. And now I am starting to see the other side of this. Reading that story in the paper, I realized that this boy will never have the option of seeing his father again. My kids do have that option. Reading that paper, plus talking with someone at church, put something in my heart that maybe I am being selfish in this area. The truth is, my kids are lucky because their dad does have interest in their lives. I can always talk to my ex about amending the schedule so that I have more weekend time with them, like having him drop off the kids in time for church on Sundays. There's no reason why I need to take the kids away even more. Besides, how much of an ogre will I be? How much will my kids resent me later on if I do limit their time with their dad. I may have my own resentments, but that is not my kids' problem. It's mine. The best I can do is limit my contact with him, make sure I follow the buddy system, and just follow my path.

*Lord, once again I am sheepishly submitting to you. Thank you for whispering to me before I made a mistake. Please help me to look past myself and do only what is right for my kids when it pertains to them. Help me to be more supportive and less selfish.
Lord, please watch over this little boy and his mother in this confusing time. You know their hearts, and the aching they must feel as they are surely confused about how to grieve in this time. Please give me the chance to be of comfort to them, and to know what to say.
And please give me words that may touch at least one person in your church next Sunday, that could change their path towards you. Let me be an inspiration to someone who is needing the words you give me. In all this, your humble servant prays....

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Passing this one on...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Belonging to a tribe

It suddenly occured to me, oh my gosh! There are probably other people fron my church reading my blog now that I have started one, and there are links leading to mine. This may or may not include my own Pastor Tom! Does that mean I have to really be sure to be on my very best behavior? Wow, the pressure!

Anyway, I have several things that I'd love to talk about. First of all, I felt the holy spirit last night. No, it wasn't the first time, but it is always amazing and incredibly moving when it happens. It was when we were worshipping in song. I'm singing these songs, and I have Mellissa on one side of me and Mike on the other side. And the whole room is just sounding so pure and beautiful in our singing praise. And I hear Mellissa and her voice, which I have always admired, playing with the music and she's worshipping God through song. And I'm just feeling moved beyond belief, and the power that's inside of me is just immense, and suddenly I am only aware of myself and God, and I am singing to Him alone, and it is just beautiful. I just had to share that, because it was just such an awesome feeling to know that my voice was reaching Him in heaven, and I know he heard all of us and was rejoicing at our praise.

Yesterday, I needed that Tribe meeting. I'd had a rough time of it that I was keeping inside me. At 4:30 pm that afternoon, I went to Lucas' preschool to do the kid handoff. I had been praying and thinking about this all week long, and I was really nervous. I have really started getting nervous anytime anything involves my ex. So I get my son and we go and wait in the car for him, and finally he pulls up, with his girlfriend driving. I honestly did not expect this. But I recovered, even smiled at her. My ex stood by the car, very distant, and basically ignoring me. Meanwhile, his girlfriend did all the work in getting Lucas' carseat in the car, and checking with me as to where their overnight things were kept. My ex stood there and did nothing. When I asked him about when we were to meet on Sunday, he was very short about it, and asked when I wanted to meet. So I just told him when and where to meet me.

I acted as if none of it bothered me. I even joked about it later to a friend that he needed the girlfriend for protection. But although I have no desire to be with my ex, seeing him and his girlfriend brings up bad feelings. So when I walked into Tribe last night, all I had been thinking about for the previous 3 hours was how that kid handoff went. Being around a bunch of people who praised the Lord and who were good people really raised me up. And Thomas, I have to say, I felt really blessed around Mike, I can see why you want to keep him around. He is a really good guy and really loves the Lord. Plus, he has great taste in music! :0)

The last quick thing I want to talk about is my debt and finances. First of all, along with my marriage was a whole slew of financial mistakes made, and the ramifications are still there. It is finally time that I take responsibility and see what it is I need to do to get those problems taken care of, and how I can seperate my responsibility for any debts from my ex's responsibility. If I can tackle half of the debt, I think it would be really manageable. My plan is to make some phonecalls on Monday and make an appointment with a credit counselling agency. I have a friend who is guiding me through this and will be calling me next Friday to make sure I've followed through. So I need prayers on this from anyone reading this journal.

Oh, and because of my uneasiness around my ex because of his anger issues, along with the fact that I still let him manipulate me, I have decided that I can no longer meet with him by myself. So on these occasions, I will be bringing along my mom or somebody else.

*Lord, thank you for touching me. I am not worthy of your touch, but to feel your touch is amazing. Thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people who truly care about others. Thank you for introducing me to this group in a time when I needed it most.
Lord, please take away my uneasiness and nervousness. Give me the faith I need to trust in you, that you will keep me safe. And help me in awkward times to not be bothered with the past. Please help me to move on and let go of my anger, my hurt, my fears, and to regain my strength. And please help me to find that strength in tackling my debt, to not feel overwhelmed and intimidated to make that call and change the things I need to change. Help me to follow through with this, and with all the other things I need to do to make my life whole again.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Boastful Tongues

Help Lord, for the godly are no more; the faithful have vanished from among men.
Everyone lies to his neighbor: their flattering lips speak with deception.
May the Lord cut off all flattering lips and every boastful tongue that says,
"We will triumph with our tongues; we own our lips - who is our master?"
"Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the Lord.
"I will protect them from those who malign them."
And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times.
O Lord, you will keep us safe and protect us from such people forever.
The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men.
Psalm 12

Dangerously, I enjoyed this verse. I haven't even finished my scriptures for today, because I had to journal on this one. I say dangerously, because in part I like it for revenge reasons. Yes, that is un-Christian of me, and yes, my resentment can be my weakness.
Sometimes I can feel so put off in this Christian lifestyle when certain persons run around doing whatever he pleases. I see those around "him" hurting because of him, especially myself, while he is so self-righteous. Sometimes it is tempting to just forget my path and just let "him" have it. And at times I have. But now I am changing my path, and cannot waste my time on trying to change a person who will not change.
My guilty pleasure in this verse is finding satisfaction in David asking the Lord to cut off flattering lips and boastful tongues. I think of all the manipulations put past me, and all the millions of lies. But I find solace in knowing the Lord will keep me safe from persons such as this, my only responsibility being to watch my own tongue and to trust in the Lord. The last line sums it all up: "The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." I will not honor wicked things in my life, and will trust that the Lord will put his crown of thorns around me and protect me from any harm people wish upon me.

*Lord, protect me from wicked people who use your name in vain and who blaspheme their doings as under your will. Protect me from wanting to retaliate in any way, for teaching lessons or avengment are not my responsibility in times such as these. Protect me today as I hand off the kids, for his wicked words will surely come, and I will surely feel the temptation to allow them to rise up in me. Keep my words simple and clean. Keep me on the right path, with my eyes only on you. Please protect me.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Joint Custody

As I have grown in the last few months, I have cherished being a mother. I am the mom of two wonderful and beautiful children. They have also grown in the last few months, and we are now such a happy family.

When I first moved back home, I was a burnt out mom. I had the patience of a gnat, though I lacked the skills for proper discipline of a child. It was hard to get back on the right path with consistency, as it was hard enough to take care of myself. Luckily, I have two wonderful parents who saw my need to recuperate and just grieve, and they took care of me and my children.

But as time wore on, and especially in these last few months, there has been a change in me. I grew to not just loving my kids because they were mine, but loving them because of who they were. As impossible as it seemed, they became even more precious to me. No longer did I view them as two little beings who further complicated my life (I never portrayed this to them, but at times I felt it), but as two little beings who enhanced my life. I would do anything for my children. Now we show each other love throughout the day, and spend time together doing things like crafts, reading, playing, etc. I learned the importance of rules and consistency, and have also learned how much happier a child is when they know what to expect. Ever hear the verse, "Spare the rod, spoil the child"? No, this does not mean to spank your children! This is a common misconception, and I have even heard a pastor misquote this. A shephard uses his rod, not to hit his sheep, but to guide them. That verse means we are to guide our children onto the right path until they are wise enough to go their own way. Every week I make sure I have time set aside for each of them individually so that they get my full attention and can do the things that particular child likes to do. And in that way, I am learning more about that child and their needs, and I am also gaining more of their respect and love because of the attention they receive from me. They are now much more receptive to me and we have much fewer problems.

When my ex and I started sharing custody of the kids, he didn't have a place to live. He was living in motel rooms. So he couldn't have the kids overnight. I used to drive the kids over there for a couple of hours, we'd sit around, and then leave. I didn't know that he also had a girlfriend living with him there, she was always gone. That's a different story, only brought up because it still bothers me that he hid it from me, and replaced me so quickly when I was the one who left. Anyways! When he and the girlfriend found a place to live, that was when the kids were to spend the night there. I remember the beginning of this schedule. I was actually looking forward to this time of freedom, until the day of. That morning I would be in a sour mood, and everything would set me on edge. The morning would always be tense. I was too worried. I was worried because I did not feel that my ex was capable of watching over our children. I felt like all the good qualities and traits I had instilled in them would be thrown out the window with his no rules policy. I worried that he would poison the kids against me. I worried about the food they ate, when they would go to bed, what horrible things would they see on TV, if they would be stuck in a little apartment the whole time with no time to play. And of course, I worried about them being around this new girl: What would they think about their dad with someone new? What would they witness? Would they hate her? Or worse, would they love her?

As time wore on, I eventually began to see that this girl was probably the best thing for these kids in their dad's care. While the kids would come back like wild banshees from their dad's house, they would also be fed, bathed and clothed by this young girl barely an adult herself. She helped my daughter with her homework, woke the kids up in the morning for school, packed their lunches and backpacks, and made sure all their clothes were in their overnight bags when it was time to come home. I went from hating this girl for the position she was in, to feeling like I should be sending her a thank you note or something. Of course, I didn't. There's a line you have to draw in situations like these. But I am not short with her on the phone, and we are actually pleasant to each other. At times I feel sorry for her, because she will never have the acceptance of my ex's family, and she will go through years of torture before she, too, wises up.

Anways, it's that time again. Tomorrow I pack up the kids and send them off to RiverRat land to be with their dad for the weekend. And I will miss them so much each day. As I make their beds, and sense of the room we all share, I will wonder what they are doing, if they are having fun, if they are being cared for, if they miss me or think of me. And then, Sunday night, I will see them again, drive them home, and ask them how their weekend was, as if this is the most natural thing in the world. But inside I will be wanting to tell them how much I missed them and wished they could be with me every day always, that I wished I was allowed to be selfish in this one area of my life and keep them as only mine.

*Lord, you know my heart and how it aches. You know the turmoil I go through on these days. You know how much I love these children you have placed in my care. Please keep them safe this weekend. Allow them healthy foods to eat, plenty of activities to keep them from getting bored, and for their goodness and innocence to remain. Help me to be able to let go a little bit more, knowing I'll receive them again in a few days. Keep my feelings of anguish over the past, the present, and the future at bay, and allow them to dissipate over time. I am getting anxious in this area, and want to stop feeling sick over these thoughts. Keep me looking forward and upward, Lord, at what you have in store for me, rather than at what I left behind. Let me truly leave it behind me. In this I pray,

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Exodus 16:3 "If only we had died by the Lord's hand in Egypt! have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

Moan moan moan. *itch *itch *itch. After all He had done for them, freeing them from the Egyptians, keeping them out of harm's way, promising them a new life, here they were moaning and groaning about their needs. What had they done for Him? What had they given up for Him? But did the Lord show resentment? No, he provided more for them.

Reading this scripture, it was easy to be shocked by the Israelites behavior. Look at all the miracles God had performed for them. And it was like they had forgotten! After all the miraculous events starting with pharaoh all the way to the parting of the sea, did they really think the Lord would not provide food for them? In black and white their ungratefulness was easy to condemn.

But what of my life? How many times have I cried out to the Lord, untrusting of Him, or forgetting all that he had already done? Too many. Countless times I have sat there in my misery, feeling sorry for myself, wondering why others prospered while I suffered. Nevermind my cozy home. Nevermind my full belly and all my needs provided for. Nevermind a future that was placed in my hands if I worked hard for it. Nevermind it all. I wanted more. And very seldom did I pray, or sacrificed, or just thanked God for all he had given me. Oh, sure, I did in the beginning, as did the Israelites. But the novelty wore off, I got comfortable in my life, and I just wanted more. I became a spoiled child, throwing my inner tantrum for my desires.

It has also occurred to me that my careless way of living is not pleasing to the Lord. The Lord has provided me with a room in my parent's house. I leave it a mess. The Lord has provided me a car to drive. That, too, is uncared for. A lot of things in my life are out of order, and I am not being grateful to the Lord by being so careless. This is all about life changes. And these traits of ungratefulness and carelessness have got to go.

*Lord, I am so sorry for the times I have forgotten all the many ways you have blessed me. You have answered so many of my prayers, and I could never repay you even 1%. But I can give you more than I have been giving. I want to remain gracious for each and every thing you do for me. I want to cherish all my blessings from you and care for them as they are your own. Let me be a light to others and set an example of graciousness. And may my praise to you put a smile on your face. I love you, and I thank you with all my being.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Judgment. It's what I fear most. And the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been tapping on my door about this, a little louder each time.

Knock, knock. "Crissi?"
Knock, knock. "Crissi? Are you there?"
Knock, knock. "Are you there, Crissi? It's me, God."
Ok, that was my attempt at humor...

Seriously. I have been receiving lessons on this subject in the form of affliction for awhile now. Really, all my life. But it's gotten a little more blunt now, especially in the past week.

I have been going to counseling for almost this whole time I've been separated. It's been a God-send. I've seen this woman off and on for years, since I was a teenager. Each time it was because of my ex. But this is the longest time I have ever gone to her. Each time before, someone else forced me to stop. My parents did because they didn't think it was getting to the results they desired, it just wasn't fast enough. Then my ex did because he didn't like my counselor. This time I almost quit because it was getting a little too real for me, and the money was too tight to pay for it. So she asked me if I would stay if she stopped charging me. I did. And I owe a lot of my growing to her. I know this was the Lord's plan, because I was on a never ending yo-yo.

Anyways, in the past month, we have touched on this here and there, but she has been so patient in letting me figure it out on my own. My sister and I have also touched on it in our phone calls. But this morning, as I journalled about my verse from my bible study, the entry took on a whole different light. Read below, you'll see. I started out talking about God's time, and suddenly I'm talking about judgment. The knocking was getting louder.

Then right before my counseling session, the light bulb clicked on bright. I'm studying Self Matters, by Dr. Phil, as part of my self discovery in counseling, and it came to this part where I had to list what was holding me back as it pertained to my family, to God, to my children, to my spouse, and to my friends. This was really hard. I sat and thought for awhile, totally blank. Of course I understood with my ex how I felt held back. But how about the rest of them? I thought, until things started to just flood me, and I began writing furiously.

What's Holding Me Back?
Family- Afraid they were thinking that I wouldn't succeed, afraid they were looking down on me, afraid my choices wouldn't please them, afraid that if I did go their way that I could not change my path if my mind changed.

God- Afraid that I was committing a sin if I went through with the divorce. Afraid that any move I made was wrong in His eyes. Just not knowing his plan for me.

Children- That my changes would not benefit them, and they would grow up hating me for leaving their dad, or any other decision that I made for them. That they would end up in counseling years down the road because of me.

Spouse- (Ex) His judgment and ridicule.

Friends- Afraid of being looked down upon. Afraid of losing friends if I let my true self be free.

Ok, do you see the pattern? It's all about judgment! And as I wrote these things, I became excited. I know, weird. But it was like the secrets to my life were unraveling and were finally exposed. I have let this be a life habit for me, living my life according to other people's rules. And I was never truly happy because it wasn't me. And 9 months after attaining the keys to my freedom, I am finally opening the lock. I am free! Here I am, I am not afraid, and I am removing these chains link by link. I am free!
*Lord, I thank you for being persistent with me, for not giving up. I thank you for all the life lessons you have thrown at me, just patiently waiting until I got it. I now know that you were not punishing me. You were only making me stronger. And I know that your work is not done, that there are still more teachings on this lesson. And I joyfully await the chance to apply my new knowledge and become even stronger. You are a glorious God, and I am so grateful. Thank you!

God's Time

Acts 1:7 "...'It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.'"

I know I am not alone in my struggle with this scripture. There are times when I want the Lord to hurry up with whatever plan he is brewing in me, or just plain forget about God's time, and try to make it my own. When I do remember that God's time is his own, and that there is a bigger plan in the works than what I can see, I feel at peace and remain patient. But, of course, this is still a struggle.

Of course, this applies to my current situation. I think the biggest conflict I am having right now is being afraid of my ex's judgment. I mean how sick is that? He is not my Lord. And yet, I worry about what he is thinking of me, or saying about me. I worry about the lies that he tells others, afraid that they will also believe him and think less of me. And so I am also worrying about their judgment.

It has occurred to me that I am probably going through so much turmoil with my ex because the Lord is trying over and over to teach me that the only judgment I need to worry about is HIS, my Father's. I am so wrapped up in trying to prove myself to my ex, that I end up failing in the Father's eyes with my words and actions. My ex is not my Lord. I do not worship him. I do not bow down to him. I should not worry about his judgment, as it means nothing to my life.

I have realized that at these times when I am attempting to take time into my own hands, that first of all, it doesn't work. But second, it is probably taking more time than it would had I just laid it at the Father's feet, and been submissive to his time and will. My life is far more chaotic when I am not submissive and patient, and it is this that I need to remember.

*"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...." Grant me the patience I need every time I am in turmoil. Help me to remain at peace in you, and to lay all my burdens at your feet. Allow me to remain your faithful servant in good times and in bad. Remind me every time I am impatient for my struggle to be over, that time is yours and yours alone. Quiet my protests with your love and comfort, and instill in me the knowledge that everything is turning out the way you want it.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Gun

This morning my daughter told me that my son, Lucas, was found playing with a gun at his dad's house. Not one of those toy guns, but an actual gun. I know the gun she is talking about, we had it in our house since 9-11, against my protests and wishes.

My ex begged his sister for it, sure that our sleepy town of Santa Rosa was next on the hit list. I could tell you stories about that gun that would make your skin crawl, along with how our life really started changing for the worse from that day on. My ex went through this time frame where he was afraid to touch anything because he was sure that terrorists were spreading deadly diseases through germ warfare. I'm sure many of you out there are already figuring out why his mind was playing such tricks. But I was clueless. The truth is, he had always had these kind of conspiracy theories. He would stay up all night sometimes, going through every file in our computer, sure that someone was hacking in there and bugging our house. He would wake me up at all hours of the night, accusing me of all sorts of horrible things that were absolutely not true. But he would swear he saw it in the computer. Then he would lead me there, and it would be just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But it made sense to him somehow.

Anyway, I'm stepping off topic. The gun. His sister tried to deny him. She said no in every way but outright saying it. But as persistant as he was, she relented. 3 1/2 years later, he still has it. And apparently he isn't storing it properly. Summer (my daughter) told me this information on a whim this morning, and completely threw me off guard. What was I to do? I have had so many run-ins with him, so many times of conflict that leave me shaking and him empowered. Just last night I had major conflict with him as I picked up the kids. And the kids, of course, witness this. So this information was not something I wanted to hear. Mostly for my son's safety, but partly because of my fear of my ex, and the conflict any action on my part would do.

I struggled with this all day. It never left my mind. If I did nothing, how could I live with myself the next weekend when my kids were there again? If I did somehting, would I be strong enough to deal with my ex's wrath? After much consideration, I grabbed the phone, went out of the house and climbed in the van, and called teh sherriff in private. Yes, it was extreme. But all I could think of was what would have happened if my baby had picked up the gun, and it was loaded, and it went off. I could not deal with that. I was directed and redirected to many different people, before I finally was able to talk to the dispatcher, who said a deputy would call me. And they did hours later. And as much as I had told them earlier about how I was afraid to talk to him about it, they said that legally they could do nothing, and I had to just talk to him about keeping the gun in a safe place. So I felt double stupid for going to such an extreme.

That evening, I left a voicemail message for him telling him that I knew about the gun situation, and that I would be contacting his sister to regain the gun in her possession. And I told him that I had called the sherriff about the whole thing, too. And when he called back 5 minutes later, I let it ring and go to voicemail. He left a 5 minute message belittling me. And apparently Lucas never touched the gun, he just saw it under the bed. Summer and Lucas confirmed that. So I just felt like the world's biggest idiot because either I heard wrong, or I don't know. I swore that Summer said it was in Lucas' hands before my ex grabbed it away.

I did talk to his sister, and she let me know that the gun thing was way overdue, and she would be getting it back ASAP. That did relieve me. But I feel like one of those women you see on Cops that call the police for everything to solve their disputes, and we watch and are glad to not be them.

*Lord, help me to keep my cool in stressful situations. Help me to bite my tongue when provoked. Guide me in only letting sweet words or silence fall from my lips. When troubled, remind me that you are there, and my troubles belong at your feet. Give me peace and serenity, and trust in you. Lord, I have so many fears, hurts, and angers. Help me to get past them and leave them behind in my past. Help me to look at the future, and all the gifts and promises it holds.
Lord, you have given me so much, and I am eternally grateful to you. You have rescued me and placed me in a home of love. You have set me in a place where my faith and spirit are allowed to grow. And you have given me hope for my children, that they will grow up loving you and living in you. Help me to see this big picture when I am ready to give in. I love you.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

A Child In Faith

Ok, so I am posting the same day, but I need to start this off right. The next couple of posts, I am going to be reliving some of my past, as it's what got me here today. But today I will start, where I'm at now.

I just got done reading one of my pastor's entries, and it inspired where I need to begin. My difficult journey right now. You see I am almost completely divorced, and find myself single for the first time in 10 years. It's a pretty scary place to be. And not just entering the dating world, though that's scary as it is. It's just the large amount of freedom that goes with it. My marriage and before has had many extreme ups and downs, but the past 2 years of it were imprisoning. I don't think anyone ever realized what was going on, not even me. I was married to a man that I am finding out I didn't even know. And realizing all this is setting me in this tailspin of emotions. There are times when I feel physically ill at all the things I was naive to, by choice or not. And not only that, it is like I am still under his control at times.

But I'll get into all that in later posts. My main focus for this entry is my path. And that goes hand in hand with my freedom. After years of being pushed down, mentally and physically, it is liberating to be able to make my own choices, do what I want, and be who I want to be. But what if I don't know who I am yet? Then it's scary. And there are so many times I have made the poorest of decisions for my life in these past 9 months. It's like being a child in an adult world. The rules are different, the games are different, and I feel judged by everyone. And I try to jump ahead in this school of life by seeming self-confident and whatnot, only to come away even more confused. I'm relearning how to accept friends, and be a friend, after so many years of pushing people away because I had to. It's scary to trust again, because I lost a lot of trust through my ex, and through his phobias of people when we were married. And the hardest thing is not relying on him for comfort anymore, because when I do, I end up getting hurt all over again. I'm relearning how to depend on my family for these things, and eventually I hope to develop close enough relationships with friends to confide in them too.

The truth is, I'm lost. I'm desperately lost. Outwardly, I really try hard to do what I need to do to get by. I feel like I have become a much better mom to my kids, and they are benefiting so much from it. But my personal life is still barely an example I can let them live by. That's the part I am trying to change now, allowing outward things control my happiness and direction. It's so hard to even know where to start, when there are so many things to work on. I feel like I am confusing myself even more at times. I look at people I admire, and they seem to have it all together, and are so happy. And I feel like a fake. I keep all this inside, and now, for the first time outside of my counselor's office, I am revealing it all little by little. I know, and hope, that people I know will read this and therefore hold me accountable to the life I want to lead.

So anyways, this is the new start to my journey, the day I take it a step at a time, and work on things one at a time. It's the time where my insides and outsides will start to match and I become the witness I am capable of being. This is why I chose the name "Child In Faith", because I am starting over as a child in my walk with the Lord. But first I must deal with my past hurts, get them out in the open, and finally let them go. Then I can truly live.

New to this

Alright, here I go. I have kept an online diary for years, off and on, but this is all new to me. I decided to try this site when I heard about it through my church, of all places. But I need a place where I can hold myself accountable in my walk with God, as my life path has made a drastic change, and I hold the key to how I want it to turn out.

Anyways, I am already having trouble with the format, so hopefully soon I'll have my site up and running as smooth as I want it. I cannot get things to lay out properly! What's with this "Hello" thing, and why does it claim to be so easy when it's not? Oh, I'm sure it really is easy, but I'm not finding any real details on how it works. Even learning how to log in proved to be difficult. And then getting the pictures to layout properly? Forget it. I have some major learning here to do before I can kick back and write some real posts, rather than this mumbo jumbo of thinking "outloud" on this here screen. So here I am!

Crissi Posted by Hello