Wednesday, November 29, 2006


You ever have everything you ever prayed for, and were suddenly freaked out that it was all going to fall? It's called placing all your treasures here on earth. And I am guilty as charged. I'm having a hard time trusting that God is taking care of everything, and I feel like I am about to fall into a giant hole. I feel scared for what I might lose due to my own shortcomings, and shame for those shortcomings. I feel the need to find something to hold onto for dear life, because everything is happening so fast: my job, my future, life. I'm afraid that if my mighty control snaps, everything will spin out of control. As if I am God. As if the world spins because I will it.

I should be elated. Everything is happening according to plan. But it's all happening so fast, too fast, and my doubts are overpowering my confidence. God is there. I know it. But I am having a hard time holding onto Him. Or rather, letting Him hold onto me....

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Is God Your Master or Your Servant?

God helps those that help themselves. In the Bible or not? Not. In fact, through much research of the Bible and of many pastors' views on this saying, it is clear that the Bible says the exact opposite. God helps those that cannot help themselves. And my favorite point made through this research, we cannot expect God's help if we are helping ourselves, as this saying implies. Truth is, we cannot expect God to work in any way we wish for Him to work. Which brings me to my next point, nowhere can I find allowance for the other extreme: Trusting in God to do all the work without lifting a finger (because we trust Him), thus making God our personal servant, and we, the gods.

Trust in God. God is in charge. God will see you through. Ok. That's fine. But what of the rest of the story? If we sit back, tell God that we are unhappy with injustice, can we expect Him to take care of it? Perhaps God will magically create some being to come down from the Heavens, take care of the mess, and then go back, and we won't have to lift a finger. Perhaps I should have sat back and let God do all the work instead of going to every single court date and mediation, and counseling with the children, and hiring a lawyer, and fighting furiously to guard my children from exposure to violence.

Psalm 84:12 "O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Does trusting God mean we can rest, putting God to work for us? No. It is so easy to believe this way. There are many injustices out there that need to be changed, to be righted. Trusting in God is seeking His counsel and strength in our ACTIONS. I know of many Christians around me who are actively helping those in need, actively helping those who cannot help themselves. And that is admirable. And while we all need a helping hand in areas of our lives, if you are on the receiving end of such help, it is always time to stand up and give back as you are able. For one, if one is to help another to the point of dependence, no salvation from the life of helplessness has been gained. And in the same way, if we are receiving, and putting all our faith in that, how can we in good faith believe that we are worthy of such help? And how can we take advantage of those that are helping us to set us upright, when we have no intention of ever standing on our own?

The same goes for our reliance of God. God is our creator. He is the very life that moves in and out of us. He put the will to pollinate the flowers in the bees, and he put the power of gravitational force in the moon. He created a perfect universe that is capable of creation. He can change the weather, a circumstance, a heart. But He is not our personal God in the form of a servant. In contrast, we are at His mercy and should be in awe of Him. While it is not in the Bible that "God helps those who help themselves", we would be pretty full of ourselves to believe that trusting in God means that He will do our bidding as we wish without us ever lifting a finger.

But what does trusting in God mean? When I did have all the court dates and battles for the protection of my children, I had a lot of stress. I lamented that it was too much work, it was hopeless, that their father was much stronger than me. In essence, I was putting more faith in my ex and in the current situation than I was in God. It was when I changed my faith, my trust, and my efforts that I saw different results. I began to trust in God. I stopped praying for a particular outcome. The Lord knew my heart, and my fears. I instead asked for wisdom in what He wanted, and for the tools to handle whatever came our way. Of course, I hoped for a particular outcome, I would be lying if I said I didn't. But I asked for the strength to accept however the Lord deemed this would end up. And then, instead of sitting back and waiting for the results, I moved forward. I did everything the court asked, as well as paid attention to my children's needs through all of this. Every bit of my effort went towards this battle, and I worked harder than I ever have for anything. And when it was all over, while it didn't turn out exactly like I had envisioned in the beginning, it turned out exactly as IT SHOULD turn out. And it was true, God's plan was better than mine. And I realized even more that I could trust Him.

Psalm 115:9-11 "O house of Israel, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield."

Trust in the Lord. He is your HELP, as well as your shield. Seek God in counsel, ask humbly for wisdom that He deems necessary to give you. Depend on the fact that God sees the overall picture, and knows what's best. But understand that we are part of that picture, and part of what makes this great world tick.

So what exactly am I saying? Do your part, plain and simple. Trust in God while taking action. Become the servant, and not the served.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Sad that a "Christian" president will claim to be a servant of God, then send out brothers and sisters to war to kill others and be killed.
Sad that this same president takes away their benefits the very day after sending these men and women to war.
Sad that this war will not end, for it is important for us to prove we are the stronger nation.
Sad that this is "disquised" as a war on terrorism.
Sad that it is no longer clear who the terrorists are.
Sad that it is more important for the government to have their perks than it is for an immigrant child to receive healthcare in the first two years of their life.
Sad that power is gained by manipulation.
Sad that racism still exists as strongly as ever, just in different forms.
Sad that the majority of us still live by the motto of "What can you do for ME?"
Sad that Christians are at war with each other.
Sad that I no longer feel comfortable in church circles, and have given up a lot of friends because of this.
Sad that the people who stood around me in my times of need aren't close to me anymore.
Sad that my leaving was made easy, though it wouldn't have changed my mind.
Sad that condemning sins has become more important than the love of Christ.
Sad that I still feel the need to fight that, but don't want this negativity in my life any longer, or my focus to be on hate and anger more than the love of Christ.
Sad to feel abandoned by, and to be abandoning, those that love the same God.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Deafening silence.
It's so loud.
It's so prominant.
It's so pointed,
          it hurts.
And no amount of noise
     can make it go away.
Except for the Blues,
     and an occasional Latin love song,
          and the piping in of two small big voices,
all I hear is

A big house
     full of life
          filled with love
               and plenty of things to take care of.
But this isn't that.
Despite my two little ones
     and the smile I wear for them,
I feel I'm in solitude.
And so I am

Not angry.
Not depressed.
But somewhere in the middle.
But being that I can't name it
     and I can't change it on my own
I am quite numb,
and it amounts to

For what? I don't know.
But I'll welcome it any way.
It's arrival will wash over me
     like the relief one feels
          when the pressure is released.
But until then, I'm

And when it comes,
     gone will be the silence
          gone will be the loneliness
               gone will be the apathy
                    gone will be the anticipation.
And in their place,
     whether it brings sadness or joy,
          warmth or heartache,
               turmoil or relief,
I will know.
And that's better than all of this.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Whispering this prayer.....

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.

There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
     Oh great God be close to me
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.

But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.

     Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
     Are you small enough?
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.

"Small Enough"
written by Nicole Nordeman
sung by Nicole Nordeman/Mindy Gledhill

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Your light still shines
     when you are
          down and out.
Though weary,
your smile
still brightens the day.
When you are sick
I wish it were me...
          ...not you.
But I will care for you
all the days of my life.
There's something about
     holding your hand
          that warms my soul
               to the very center.
And I swear the world
turns pink with
                       your warmth.
And it carries me through.

It's peculiar how
when I am holding you up,
when you are too weary
     to lift your head,

you are still my strength.

Just your smile alone
     could make me move mountains.
And the gentle gesture
     of your hand on mine
          allows me to fly.
When you are in need of me
I am just as in need of you.
What you may not know is
           make me sing.