Wednesday, September 14, 2005

1 day to go

We leave tomorrow for Louisiana. I'm a little nervous. I'm not so sure what to expect, and I have moments when I am wondering what I was thinking. And I'm mostly nervous about leaving my kids behind. Just thinking about it is making me fearful, panicky, and overwhelmed. I'm scared to leave them, not because I think something awful will happen to any of us, but because I have never left them for this length of time so far away. I'm worried about their daily schedule: Will Summer get her homework and daily reading done? Will their hair and teeth get brushed? Will they have clean clothes for every school day? Will they go to bed on time, and get to school on time? Will they eat the right kinds of food? Will they receive enough attention at their other house? And I worry about all the things that are on the schedule this week: Will they make it on time for soccer pictures this Saturday, and will they look ok for these pictures? Will they be able to make it to all the soccer games that are scheduled? Will their snacks that they are scheduled to bring be sufficient? Will I make it home before Summer's school picture day next week? And most of all: Will they miss me enough, but not too much?

I have a strong feeling that God has called me to make this trip. This is very important, and I have never felt so called to do something in my life. And part of this calling is making this trip with my parents. I am very anxious to see how God is going to work throughout this trip, and am prepared to witness many miracles. And for this calling, and the fact that we are being counted on and have made the commitment to take this trip, I will not give up. But leaving my kids is proving to be a very emotional thing to do, especially since I don't have a husband at home to care for them, and they can't just stay in the comfort of the home I live in. And I'm finding that unless I just give this up to God, and have faith that everything will be okay, I will continue to worry and stress and cry.

This is it, tomorrow's the big day, and we'll all survive. I do not think my fears are irrational, but I am being a bit silly since God is watching over all of us. And it's only a week. I need to get over myself and start thinking about the sacrifices that these people in the southern states have made unwillingly. This is not about me.

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