This week the Lord has been putting something in my heart that I can deny no longer. I am about to reveal more of myself than I am comfortable with, but I need to for accountability's sake.
I'll start at the beginning. I have never had a relationship that wasn't based on sex or hormones. This whole week things have happened that have left me in serious thought. Last night is when it hit me the hardest. I drove home from Tribe and just sat in my car for 20 minutes, thinking. And I woke up with it on my brain again. And this is the conclusion I came to.... I have always used sex to feel close to someone. I have never had a relationship where I have abstained and really gotten to know that person before I shared that part of me. In doing so, I have crossed the lines of sex and love, and confused sex as love. I've really never known what it's like to fall in love with a person in the healthy sense.
When my ex moved on with another girl, I was so hurt. It really hadn't occurred to me to move on yet, as I did know I wasn't ready. But suddenly I skyrocketed into the world of dating just to feel loved again. Here's my confession. I fell into this sexual relationship with someone who I never got to know, and used that as my way to get over things. I even asked God to look the other way as I did this. I wasn't willing to give up the sin for Him, and instead only thought of myself. I excused this behavior by telling myself it was working, it was getting me beyond my ex. And when I did feel that I was over my ex, I credited my new relationship in getting me there.
But the thing is, it doesn't work that neatly. I still harbored those hurt feelings over the past. When things were new and fresh in the relationship it was easy to not think about my ex and his moving on. But as things quickly went stale, and I realized that this person did not care for me the way I longed to be cared for, those hurt feelings arose again and again. And I also realized how ridiculous the whole thing was, and each time we met it felt more and more awkward.
Fast forward. This week the Lord has placed some serious seeds in my path to bring me to today. Last Saturday I went on my first date with a guy I've been talking to who has very clear boundaries regarding intimacy. And I quickly came to the conclusion that I was not taking his morals seriously, even though I really like him. And I also feel that the Lord has placed him in my present path as an example to start with, and to stop focusing on dating (as I'm obviously still not ready) and focus more on friendships. I also came across an article on teen abstinence. In the article, I so admired the teens for this decision because they were in charge of themselves and so on top. They chose not to conform to this world, and used each other as their support. and then last night one of the girls was talking about her own relationship, and she mentioned her abstinence so casually as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it suddenly occurred to me at that very moment...I do not need sex to be accepted.
I have already realized that I need to replace the value sex has. I should not be having sex with someone unless we share true feelings for one another and really know each other. Last night the Lord let me know this wasn't enough....
What? No, I can't do that. That's too hard.
I am to wait until marriage before I share so much of myself again.
The reason this is such a scary decision for me is because I worry about how it will affect my love life. Most guys out there don't view abstinence as an option for them. I know that this decision will leave me with a lot of heartache. But the Lord has also shown me that this is also a way to weed out those guys that aren't supposed to be in my life, and I won't have sex blinding my decision. I also worry about, what if I never get married again? This is a hard one. But I need to really think about my priority list, and where sex lies on it. So what if I never have sex? I will be closer to God, having rid myself of that one thing that has always been in my way.
And this is also my chance to reclaim myself. I looked up to those teens in that article because they were only themselves. And they weren't ashamed. They depended only on themselves for their happiness. And they answered to no one. I can be that. And it feels liberating to even be at this crossroads and steering towards the Lord's direction.
After saying all of that, it's hard to know how to close this without apologizing for revealing so much about myself. But I don't apologize. By being honest about my weaknesses, I am making it harder for me to fall back on that path. I am only clearing the way for the path I need to be on. I am revealing all of this to be held accountable for how I play out this chapter in my life.
*Lord, I surrender. I give up the biggest thing that has been holding me back from you. I pray that this offering remains true, and is acceptable to You. I pray that this brings me to the place I need to be at to be closer to You.
Amen
3 comments:
Crissi, Crissi, Crissi...
First, let me say that I am now and have always been an atheist. From a catholic family, I was placed in a catholic boarding school early on...and never believe any of the religious stuff...never...so you and I don't come from the same place. (Although, I spent several years living in Santa Rosa...out on Barham, then on Mendocino Avenue...ah, the good ole days...)
Having said that, you need to explain abstainance a little better for ME. I don't get it. I don't see what is to be gained by abstaining from sex at all...except denying yourself enjoyment. To me sex has always been, and continues to be, an extremely powerful motivator, a way to connect, a path to enjoyment and relaxation, very exciting and satisfying, and often, though not always, an end in itself.
I realize that trying to explain a spiritual and/or religious descision to an atheist who comes at life with a totally different perspective may be difficult. Give it a try.
Crissi,
I am encouraged that you have opened up a normally very private part of yourself to us. That takes amazing strength.
I encourage you to have in place, a very clear line that you won't cross. I'm also speaking to myself right now. It's easy for me, to say "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." But it usually happens if you get to "that bridge" and don't have a plan, you will generally cross it however it happens. I'm sure that was a really weird analogy. What I mean to say is this: You need to decide (with God), how far is to far? When is it too intimate? And that is a decision that everybody has a right to make separately. But it should be communicated to whoever you are starting a relationship with, and there shouldn't be any fuzzy gray area.
I'm glad God has brought you to this place. And I am encouraged by the bravery you show to share this decision with your readers/friends. I am praying that God blesses you through this decision.
Oh man Crissi. You totally passed me up in the raw honesty department. I really admire you. Thanks for putting yourself out there. Please let us know how to keep you accountable. What questions do you need to be asked on a regular basis? So next time I see you I'll know how to best keep you accountable. You are an awesome piece of fine art from God himself. Beautiful.
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