Can sin be positive?

Besides freewill and lessons to be learned, could God be allowing sin into our lives to bring us closer to him? I know of times when I have sinned because it was easier to sin rather than to follow God's word. But my guilt made me pray harder than ever when I first tried explaining away my sin, and then eventually sought repentance.

This topic has been on my mind for awhile now, and Jimmy's current blog entry brought it back up in a way. One of his questions was Is there any thing that holds such a power over you that you cannot say no? Don't we all have something along these lines, small or big? We are all sinners, be it our thoughts, our words, or our actions. We all have some sort of crutch that keeps us from being absolutely pure. Christ did not die on that cross because we are perfect. But when it comes to admitting these wrongs, I think that's almost as hard as giving up the sin, at times.

Since all you shameless readers already know too much about my life (LOL!), I'll just say generically that I am a sinner. And there are definitely times when I am put in a situation that show my weaknesses in my Christian walk. And each time I struggle, I have the most intense talks with God, even if at times it's an argument with him. And yes, there are times when I don't like his answer for my life, so I turn my back on him and go the other way. But he is always there, and ready for me when I have come to my senses. It's like I'm the teenager, and he is the parent. He has his rules all lined up, and sometimes I just decide I know more about my life and rebel. But when I sheepishly come back, he is there with his arms open. Sometimes I come back out of my guilt, and sometimes I come back because things got harder due to my poor choices. But the sin itself brings me into Jesus' arms, begging for forgiveness and willing to lay my life down again. Each sin brings me back with a desire for strength in him. And rather than turn his back on me as I did to him, he gives his love without conditions. This is why I love the Prodigal Son story so much, because it pertains to all of us as sinners, and how God is ever-faithful in his acceptance of us when we return. We are always welcome in God's family as long as we want it.

Needing prayers

I am asking for all of my friends reading this to offer their prayers up to the Lord on behalf of my family and me. The Lord knows my circumstance, and my nervousness. I am asking for prayers of strength, wisdom, and courage. I don't want to make this all dramatic, it's just that it is time for some changes to be made, and I am still procrastinating in doing so. I am having a hard time separating my children's best interest from my fear of anger directed at me. And I've come up with excuse after excuse to keep me from making these changes, just to remain in denial that these things need to be done. And I need to get over that and make these changes now. But I need your help in finding that strength to do so. I'll start...

Lord, I am at your mercy, as I've been for awhile now. I accept and rejoice that my life is in your hands. I am actually grateful for your challenges for me, as I am stronger because of them. But at times I am afraid to ask for your divine help in the areas that matter most, and this is one of them. I ask for your hand to be over mine as I make the phonecalls that need to be made. I ask that your arms will support me as I plead my case. I ask that your robes will surround me and keep me safe, and that your whisper in my ear will be the only sound I hear. And if it is your will, I ask for your calmness to envelope other's hearts that may wish me ill will, but if I must suffer from that anger, that your grace will keep me strong. Lord, I am about to pray harder than ever before for your guidance and protection. And I thank you now for the path you will give me.
Amen

The Resurrection

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16


Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to see the tomb. Suddenly there was a great earthquake, because an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and rolled aside the stone and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint.
Then the angel spoke to the women. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn't here! He has been raised from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. And now, go quickly and tell his disciples he has been raised from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember, I have told you."
The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great joy, and they rushed to find the disciples to give them the angel's message. And as they went, Jesus met them. "Greetings!" he said. And they ran to him, held his feet, and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Don't be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there."
Matthew 28:1-10

Good Friday

Jesus said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
The crowd watched, and the leaders laughed and scoffed. "He saved others," they said, "let him save himself if he is really God's Chosen One, the Messiah." The soldiers mocked him, too, by offering him a drink of sour wine. They called out to him, "If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!" A signboard was nailed to the cross above him with these words: "This is the King of the Jews."
One of the criminals hanging beside him scoffed, "So you're the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself-and us, too, while you're at it!"
But the other criminal protested, "Don't you fear God even when you are dying? We deserve to die for our evil deeds, but this man hasn't done anything wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom."
And Jesus replied, "I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise."
By this time it was noon, and darkness fell across the whole land until three o'clock. The light from the sun was gone. And suddenly, the thick veil hanging in the Temple was torn apart. Then Jesus shouted, "Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!" And with those words he breathed his last.
When the captain of the Roman soldiers handling the executions saw what had happened, he praised God and said, "Surely this man was innocent." And when the crowd that came to see the crucifixion saw all that had happened, they went home in deep sorrow. But Jesus' friends, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance watching.
Luke 23:34-49

Creating tomorrow from today

Can I just say, I love my job! How many people get to say that? I really hope when I am fullforce, I will still be saying that. I am currently training under my dad in the real estate appraisal business. For a while there, business was slow. My dad's been freaking out, and my paychecks have been mere pennies, but I found it to be a great time to learn the basics at a decent pace and not get overwhelmed. Now, things are slowly picking up, and I have more work on my desk. It feels so gratifying to be able to give significant help to my dad, and also feel like I am doing a substantial amount of work on each appraisal I am responsible for. When I have done an appraisal, and my dad only has to make minor changes to it, I feel SMART and WORTHWHILE. And there is nothing like having work during the day vs. not working to make the day pass faster and make you feel better about yourself.

In one to two years, I will be a fully licensed appraiser. I can't help dreaming of all the things I will be able to accomplish with the kind of paycheck a job like this can bring. All my debts will be paid. I can own my own car, maybe even my own house or condo. I can afford to buy nicer clothes. I can have a substantial savings. I can pay for my daughter's braces. I won't have to tell my kids we "don't have the money for that". I can invest. I can forget about living week to week. And most importantly, I won't have to depend on anyone else for financial reasons.

Financial freedom means many different things to me, but mostly it means independance. I do not feel like I can be in a relationship with someone that is marriage headed until I have all my finances and debts in order. When I am finally at the place for marriage again, I want to be financially independant, so that there are no confused lines. I want to still make my own money and care for my own family, without feeling like I need to depend on someone else. And even before I get to that level, I want to have lived in my very own place, something I have never done. I've always been a dependant, whether it's with my family or with my husband. I have never experienced life as a full on independant. And just knowing that I have a future that includes that is really exciting!

In the meantime, I do not knock my position. Of course, I long for the future now, but tomorrow does not happen without today. To have a successful future, I must live with my parents now to properly train at a low wage, get strong on the inside, and get reconnected with my family bonds and friendships. I must be a dependant now so that I can feel safe, pay off my debts, and prepare for my future. And I am eternally grateful to my parents for giving me this second chance to make something of myself.

Hair

Ok, I need a change of pace today. I would give anything for a great haircut and color! Months ago I went through this period of time when I needed a drastic change, and that included dyeing my hair BLACK. Yes, it was drastic. And not only was it black, it was BLUE-BLACK. Yes, that's right, my naturally red highlights were exchanged for blue ones. And suddenly I was a different person. I felt like I needed more tattoos or something, to go with my blue-black hair.

And I felt different! I had attitude. I felt not so girly, but ruggedly. I wore more makeup to offset the paleness my skin took on even more because of the blue-black hair. And at first, I really hated this hair. I thought I would end up looking exotic, and instead I looked like a biker chick or something. I stopped being Crissi who was going through a painful divorce, but Crissi who had really blue-black hair. I felt like a giant thumb, or something, this big abstract thing in the midst of normal people with normal hair. And I tried everything to tone down this mistake of a haircolor. I was told that dish soap can fade hair color. Well, a bottle later, and I realized that black just doesn't go away, it has to grow out.

Well, eventually my blue-black hair became just black, and I got used to it. I added this bright red to the top of it, and it actually looked really cool. And after my hair had calmed down, I suddenly received lots of compliments on my bold choice. I started playing more with it, and again felt like a different person. But this time it wasn't the biker chick, but the exotic girl I was searching for.

Well, hair does grow, and I've been too chicken to redo the whole black thing. So now it is brown for about 3 inches, and then it is black. And I hate it again! I've been wearing it up for the most part, so I have brown on my head, and a black ponytail. It's a horse effect, I guess, with a black tail. But as soon as I scrape the money together, it's changing again.

Yes, this is the most superficial post I've come up with. But the thing is, there was a time when I never cared much about my appearance. Now I do. And I think it's important.

Words of encouragement

Going through my DivorceCare workbook, I was brought to the book of Matthew, which lighted upon the very subject I am suffering from: betrayal and lonliness. I was brought to where Jesus was both betrayed by his followers Judas and Peter. How sad and hurt Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed him on the cheek, thus turning him over to his enemies, and then to be denied three times by Peter as he suffered. Jesus was lead to his death after being deserted by his disciples, and suffered alone on that cross. I've always known this story, one we remember all year long,and especially at this time of celebration that is Easter. But I felt the sadness that Jesus must have experienced as men he had called his brothers turned on him in his hour of need. But the difference with Jesus, his loving heart forgave them, even before the events had taken place. He knew the reason for these betrayals, and knew it was to fulfill the Scriptures. And then in the end, when all was said and done, he asked his father in heaven to forgive his enemies. It prompted me to read more, and I came upon this passage of encouragement in Matthew 5.

"God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too." Matthew 5:11-12

And it goes on with words about being the salt and the light of the earth, teachings about anger and reconciliation, teachings about revenge and joyful giving, and teachings about love for your enemy. These are all things that I have been attempting to live by, and the encouragement that I received last night from rereading this passage was exactly where I needed to be to bring me some peace. I encourage all of you to read Matthew 5 in times of trial when your heart is at war with another person, and how to act upon it. This has been my life's lesson, one I've had to have plenty of practice with in the past couple of months, how to be good and sweet to those who wish the worst for me and treat me with contempt, and understand that my reward lies in heaven. And the truth is, I do pray that eventually my demeanor in these situations will rub off on my ex and his girlfriend so that they may be good, too. Is that heaping coals on my enemies' heads, Paster Tom?

Fear

There once was a time when I went through the same sort of stress I am experiencing now and the way I dealt with it was by being unproductive and melancholy. Now, I feel that same tiredness coming on, but I am trying to remain busy to work my way through it. But I am going through so much right now, and it's starting to feel unbearable. I would give anything to just be able to get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hibernate until the storm has passed. But the difference now is I know that no matter my circumstances, I still have my responsibilities that have to be done (work, household chores, kids, etc). Hiding is no way to deal with my problems. I must bite the bullet and face them straight on, even if I am shaken up on the inside. It's my phobias that get to me. Oh sure, he helps. Ever since I filed with the DA, things have gotten steadily worse. At first it was just him dishing out the verbal abuse, but now his girlfriend is in on it. And I remain calm and collected on the outside, watching my words and my temper, but on the inside I am a frightened child, hurt by the words they hurl at me. It's not fair. It's times like these that make me regret my wholesomeness, and wish I could be just half as heartless. Maybe then the words wouldn't sting half as much. It's amazing when a year ago, even at our worst times, I never would have guessed he'd act this hateful to me. It's sad, really. He doesn't know how much I fear seeing him, hearing his messages on my phone, dreading each time contact is unavoidable from him. He doesn't know how afraid of him I really am, not fully knowing what he is capable of, and who he can fool into thinking he is the sane one and I am the crazy one. I hold my head up high and don't let him get the satisfation of seeing my hurt and anguish. I only wait until the most private of times when I let my tears fall freely.

Singleness

My ex is very good at reminding me about why I am so lucky to be single now.... But, too much stress!!! I'm wondering if this is ever going to die down and be peaceful. I'm liable to crumble under this pressure.

Brokenness

Today I attended the 90th birthday of my great aunt. It was cool seeing some of our distant family, all second and third cousins, etc., to me, and just catch up. And I got to tell my story a little to those who knew what was going on with me, and let them know just how wonderful my life is turning out.

As a tribute to my great aunt, someone put together a slide show of her life. It was truly amazing how it came out. It talked about her younger years of being this wonderful girl who went against the grain in some ways. It talked about her marriage and the great love she shared with her husband, and the generations that came from it. I thought it was all cool until it showed this one part about my second cousin (great aunt's daughter) and her marriage. I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. And I was embarassed because amongst all the sniffles from people crying over this beautiful tribute, I was selfishly crying over myself.

The truth is I saw this love and legacy being passed down throughout this family. I saw the happy faces and family continuously growing with each picture. And I realized that I did not have that now, in a way. In this moment of weakness, I mourned the loss of my marriage, regardless of how this was never a reality anyways, and mourned that I would not be growing old and happy with my children's father, creating legacies to be passed down to our generations. Our family is torn apart, and it's so unfortunate that it had to be this way. A family consists of a dad and mom, their children, and all their lives entwined in ways that keep them involved in each other's lives. A family is a unit of seperate people who support each other in ways that other's couldn't possibly. I never thought I would be in a place where my kids get to spend some of their time with me, and some of their time away from me. And when I married my ex, I never would have imagined he would be so hateful to me as he is now, forgetting all those years I loved him and did everything for him. I never thought I'd be his enemy.

I am not so ungrateful that I don't see the love and support I have in my parents, sisters, and friends. I am not so blind to see that my life is better off this way. I do enjoy being single and living life exactly my way, and creating my own future. But I'd be lying if I said I weren't heartbroken that things turned out as awful as they have. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt now and then. And it would be a lie if I claimed to not be jealous of those family units where all the pieces fit together like they are supposed to, instead of missing pieces like mine. I so long for that to be my reality.

Today I am cute!

Today I was cute as he**.

I had to take pictures of houses in Guerneville, and this one duplex owner was giving me a really hard time. I've been hassled before about taking pictures of houses, even though it is perfectly legal, so I was a little worried this time. But it turns out he was just teasing me. Anyways, long story short, he called me cute as he**, and I've been feeling cute all day! Not bad, since most days I feel extra ordinary and plain.

Depression

For those of you who live in Santa Rosa, have you looked outside? It is absolutely gorgeous! It's funny how Spring appears overnight and suddenly, all is new and beautiful again.

The joy that this season is invoking in me reminded me of a time when these images meant nothing to me. After Connor died, I rapidly fell into a deep depression. Connor died on the first day of autumn, and fall and winter were darker than usual that year. I spent the days inside with the curtains closed. Our house took on a dark dungeon effect, and everything around me was death. There was no springtime in my life.

That fall my mom encouraged me to plant daffodil bulbs. She said they would bloom in the spring, and be a yearly tribute to my son. I spent weeks taking my aggression out on that rock hard soil to dig a foot's depth into the ground. If I hadn't been so angry at life, I don't think I could have dug into that ground! But eventually I succeeded, and spent as much time as I could taking care of that garden for Connor's sake. I know that my mom was just trying to get me to be outside and soak in that sunshine for endorhphin's sake. It worked, because when I was outside I thought of Connor in a happy light.

Springtime came, and so did the daffodils, as promised. Spring held an all new meaning to me. It was the time for rebirth, happiness, starting over. This first Spring was still slightly less than hopeful, but I was just greatful for the Winter to be over. I wish that remained in me, but eventually the depression took hold of me even more, as my outer circumstances got grimmer. My marriage started to seriously fail, and my ex was changing. Visions of flowers, sunshine, and nature faded and death took over again. But this time it was darker, no hope to be found. I prayed for death. It consumed me. The house got darker, and going outside was just too much trouble. Everything was too much trouble. Just thinking about having to do something made me feel exhausted. It was like mountains stood in the way of everything. Winter came again, and it became unbearable. It was the next Spring, when a little hope came with the sunshine, that I finally had to leave.

This past Winter, I escaped the depression. I expected it and waited for it. But it never came. Yes, I felt sadness throughout this past year, but it was different this time. Last time the sadness never left, and weighted me down. This time, sadness would come, then go and leave me feeling refreshed and ready to keep going. A good cry felt refreshing, but smiles came much more than tears. I've come over and beyond who I've been lately, and have recaptured the happiness and lightness of my teenage years.

And here we are, another joyful Spring. And this year it feels even more wonderful. I watch with amazement at apple blossoms cascading down from their trees in the wind, or watch the water ripple at Spring Lake under a cloudless sky. I listen to birds and am in awe of their innocent love lives as they flirt with the wind, the trees, their mates. There are times I want to stretch my arms to the sky and, as corny as this sounds, shout my praises to the Lord. And hope is alive in me. In the past, each day was viewed as jsut the same old thing. I would wait for the day to be over, but knew that the next day would only be the same. There was no purpose. Now, each day holds new blessings. Every little thing leaves me greatful and thanking God for letting me experience all his gifts.

Having been through such a personal hell reminds me that there are others who are facing depression today. There are people out there who do not find joy in anything, and are slowly withering away. I would not wish such misery on anyone. Depression is a serious illness that must be treated. At the risk of sounding like a public service announcement, I implore you to seek counselling if you are suffering from depression, or help those you know who are suffering to seek help. The symptoms of depression are changes in eating and sleeping patterns, loss of energy, weeks of sadness, not enjoying things that used to interest you, and more. When you are suffering from depression, it is extremely hard to seek help because it is hard to view your life as worth saving, or you are in denial that there is a problem, or you are ashamed to be depressed in the first place. Sometimes it's hard because seeking help is too much of an effort. That is why if you are a friend of someone who appears depressed, please help them! And pray for those who are depressed. I cannot stress any of this enough!

Just need to gripe

More and more I have been tested in how I deal with my ex and his beligerance to me. I am going through the DivorceCare program through my church along with counseling, and it has been extremely helpful in giving me hindsight as to why I need to watch myself. But still, I find it hard not to defend myself to deaf ears when I get attacked. So instead of pleading my case to someone who has forgotten that he once loved me, I will instead gripe here.

I called my ex today, the thrid day in a row since he won't call me back anymore. Luckily, his girlfriend picked up so I was able to reach him. I have been trying to reach him concerning Easter weekend. I want to bring the kids to the service that day, warranting our exchange to take place a day earlier than usual, though I decided not to fight about it if he just didn't want to. These days I've learned to pick my battles. Anyways, he was very short with me, but asked what time service was, since he wanted to do the Easter Bunny thing that morning. I told him I'd get back to him, and if it was too early, then we could just do the exchange after church. And I also got on him about getting me my tax information, something I have been asking after for months. A sore subject with us now is child support, since I decided to file with the DA, and he asked about that. He has been pestering me to lower the amount to $50 less, and is behind in payments. After repeated episodes of him being rude to me, I realized that I have bent to many times in his favor, and was getting nothing back from him. If I got anything, it was out of what he was obligated to do, like giving me a partial payment of child support and making himself out to be a martyr. So I decided that this time I would not bend. It'snot out of revenge, but instead it is to stop being so weak and giving into him whenever he needs something, without an thought to my needs. When he asked if I had lowered the payments, I told him no. He called me a stupid b*tch and hung up on me.

Now this behavior is not shocking. It's to be expected. But it is appalling from someone who supposedly loved me for 9 years. I am the mother of his children. When we went to court, I told the judge I did not want to pursue backpayment for all those months I went without child support. I allowed my ex to take the kids on the weekends to accomodate him and his schedule, even though those were the days I spent quality time with the kids, and even though he now has no job. I have kissed his *ss a million times, even though his thanks to me is moving on with another girl and treating me like I am mud on his shoe. It hurts that after years of him loving me (no matter how little he showed it towards the end), he can treat me with such contempt. And it is frustrating that he still expects so much out of me when he has done nothing for me and does not see how much I am still sacrificing in his favor. And I want to just hold him down and make him see all of this and more, but I realize that he will always feel blameless and see me as deserving of such disrespectful treatment. He has no job again, and hasn't for the last three months. He has allowed his girlfriend to support him and pay his child support for him, or else (and this is just speculation) he is doing illegal things to raise money. Off the record, I would not put it past him.

I am trying so hard to be a child of God. I am working on the forgiveness part, and the best way I am getting there is just by not letting his life affect mine. I have not achieved full on forgiveness, but I have been succeeding in watching my tongue with him and only treating him with respect and niceness, even when he is hurtful to me. I have respected my kids relationship with them, understanding that their daddy is their hero, as he should be. But at times like these I still feel scorned and wish I could just go for full custody. We have the sports season coming up, and I'll be darned if I can't have them on the weekends. I am being forced to take on a second job because the child support is just not coming, and I can't afford this life, even with no rent to pay. And we still have the bills from the past that are haunting me, and are basically on my shoulders.

I would not say that this anger is consuming me, as it used to. I refuse to let him have that much of an effect on me. But there is still an undeniable rage inside of me because I feel that I am worth so much more than this disrespect he is dishing out at me. And it doesn't make it any better to know that I cannot change him or make him see what he is doing. This is the problem when dealing with someone who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. But it is also the reality that we are only in charge of ourselves, and can only change the way we handle things. It still sucks, though!

More on Love

I don't think there is any greater feeling than being in love. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but all aspects of it. We are all in love, whether we know it.

As silly as this sounds, this topic was generated in me after finishing a book I've been reading for the past few days, The Lovely Bones. I'm one of those people that can fall into the pages of the book I'm reading, and feel the things I am reading about. The imagery, the heartache, the everything. And when it's done, it's almost disappointing, because it's over. But all the happenings in the book invoked all the emotions I constantly have running through me, and I had to get to a computer and write them all down.

I have experienced true love through the love of my children. I have heard that having children is like placing your heart outside of yourself. It's true, and then some. My children are my soul. There is nothing purer than loving my children. My most serene times are when I am holding one of them in my arms in the most casualest of moments for them, as we watch a movie or read a story. But to me it is anything but casual. It is tender and emotional. Sometimes it takes so much to keep the tears out of my eyes as they do the simplest thing like lean against me. When they are gone at their dad's house, my heart goes with them. While I wouldn't necessarily say I am incomplete anymore, as I am getting accustomed to this arrangement and know they will come back to me, I do feel that piece of my heart is with them.

A love that I miss is the love of the romantic kind. Yes I was married, and I felt a certain kind of love. But I imagine that I have yet to experience the purest kind of love with a partner in life. The true love I feel for my kids, I hope I get to experience this kind of love with a husband. No it's not the same kind of love, but I want the deepness of it. At this point, I do have hope. I have so much more of myself to attain before I can have this, but I still dream of it, nevertheless. I want a best friend in my husband, someone I can share my whole life with. I want someone who I can grow old with comfortably, someone who can support me, and allow me to support him.

Love is a wonderful thing. All you need is love. In the name of love. Love lifts us up where we belong.

Love is the closest way to God. Love was created by God. God loves us. God created love so that we can love Him, we can feel His love for us, and we can love each other. There is no greater feeling than that of love. When we remember others, we love. When we cry, we do so out of love. When we laugh, we love. Love allows us to see things in a different light. Love creates harmony and compassion. Love allows us to do things we normally wouldn't dream of doing. Love is the base of all we feel. Sometimes we love so much it hurts, but the best part of love is when it creates sparks in your soul.

*Thank you Lord for Love. Thank you for giving us this piece of you and of Heaven inside of us. Thank you for the feelings of hope and faith that love invokes inside of us. And Lord, I love you.
Amen

First loves

My 4 year old son is discovering the meaning of love. When I ask him who his friends are at school, he always mentions his guy friends, but lately has also been mentioning girl friends. Just for fun, I always ask him if these are his girlfriends, and he says yes. But it's silly because he doesn't get the joke. Well today he mentioned a new girl who he thinks is beautiful, but he hasn't kissed her. What?!? Whoa there. I told him he was too little to kiss her, but she must be a pretty neat girl.

Lucas has also decided he is in love with me. I remember when I was a little girl, I wanted to marry my daddy for a brief moment. I loved him so much, and it just made sense that one day I would marry him. Well, now Lucas has informed me of his plans. Tonight as we watched Bambi, he layed down in my lap and looked up at me.

"Mommy, I love you."
"I love you too, Lucas."
"Mommy, when I grow up and get bigger, I'm going to marry you."
"Oh really. That would be really nice Lucas."

Tonight he played like that, telling me that I would be the mommy deer and he would be the daddy deer. When I put him in bed and kissed him goodnight, he told me that he would be Prince Charming, and I would be his princess. Do you see why I'm such a sucker for this boy? I left the light on in the hall for his night light, gave him lots of kisses, and said goodnight.

After about the 7th time of him getting up and finding excuses for being up, and me giving warning after warning, I finally told him I had to turn the hall light out. He cried and begged for me to keep it on, but I had to follow through. I turned out the light and walked back to the living room. He yelled out after me that he's not Prince Charming anymore, and I'm not his princess anymore. Aw, there goes my fairy tale ending. I guess the wedding is off, at least until tomorrow when he loves me again.