Giving thanks

It's 10 days since my last post, and I thought I better let my 2 readers know that I am not sick anymore, and am in fact alive. I've been feeling super blessed lately, mainly because I realized recently that the majority of my focus is not on my ex and our divorce anymore, and that it is sweet to be single! I love the feeling of being in control of myself. For awhile there I felt lonely, and yes, there are times when I still do. But I've been focusing on friendships now, and leaving romantic prospects for the future, where they belong. The present is about renewing that relationship with myself, one that has been neglected for so long. I no longer feel obligated to do things, I do things because I want to. I am learning what it is like to be me, truly me, and be unashamed about it. Do you know how freeing that is? And I like myself, what a concept! I used to sit there and wish I was like someone different, seeing the great things in others and feeling wistful because I didn't have those attributes. But I have recently started seeing things in myself that I like, and I'm proud of me. I don't mean to sound cheesy or self absorbed. It's not about that at all. I just spent so long not liking myself that this truly is a new concept. There was a time when I couldn't face the day without anti-depressants in my system. Now I am free of all medications, and eager to meet what the day has to offer. My life is full. I am with hope. I am happy! Thank you Lord for everything you have blessed me with, I am so fortunate.

Being sick is hot

There are advantages to being sick. For instance, I now know more than ever about Paris Hilton thanks to E! and VH1. I am now convinced that the best job in the world has got to be as an heiress, and not real estate appraiser like I originally thought. I have learned how to yell in a whisper. I can even get my kids to realize I mean business by my whispering yell. I have not had to put on makeup for a whole week. I have also realized I am more in love than ever with Bo Bice, and I think he could love me too if he could look past the yellow bruise on my cheek from last week's dental work, my pasty unsunned skin, and my hair that is fluffy on top and flat in the back from too much pillow time. Oh, and he'd probably find my raspy voice with a hacking cough kind of sexy in one of those sultry diseased smoker kind of ways. And of course there's the fact that I'm still too sickly for normal food. I'm hungry, but I'm so sick of potatoes and other comfort foods, it's easier to just go hungry. Needless to say, I've never looked so good in my skinny jeans. Again, look past the bruised, pasty skin and unnatural hairdo.

Now that I've listed all the postives, I can honestly say that I'd be willing to give them up so that I could be well. Much fun as it sounds laying on the couch all day, I am bored out of my mind! I actually miss working, and of course, so does my bank account. My son keeps looking at me with this sad expression, and in all his 4 years, he tells me that he wishes I could talk good. But I get the feeling it's more for his sake than my own. I have not been outside much at all, due to the fact that I am chilled in this 70 degree weather. I am in a sweater and shivering while normal people are dusting off their skirts and tank tops. I miss interaction outside of the home. I miss laughing without coughing. I miss sleeping without coughing. Anything without coughing! I miss Spring Lake, playing with my kids, reading to my kids. Yeah, I know. It's been a week, not a lifetime. But being sick, I get some wimpiness allowance. Oops, that bonus belongs in the first paragraph. Just mentally cut and paste, ok? I'm too tired and sick.

I am blessed right now. If I were living on my own, I would be sick and still have all the household and kid responsibilities still on me. I'd have no one here to take over when it gets to be too much. I'd have to make dinner for me and the kids, and I'm sorry, but kids catch on when you try to feed them cereal three dinners in a row. I'd have to go to the store myself to buy my own medicine. No one would show me they care by advising me to stay in bed and asking what I needed. But I am blessed because I have 3 extra pairs of adult hands living in this house with me and willing to do what it takes to keep things rolling smoothly. My kids are not suffering because I'm sick, since auntie, grandma, or grandpa can fill in as needed. And this home is filled with so much love and support, it's a working team. I am grateful for this, that I can be sick and miserable, and so happy about it.

Sickie

This morning I woke up without a voice, and the realization that all these aches and pains have been from getting sick. I don't know why that's a relief, but it is. I actually feel so much better today, even if I'm still worn down and the kids keep making fun of my voice. Yes, I have lovely children. And what's funny, when you can only speak in a whisper it has the ability to cause the people around you to also speak in whispers, as if all you're trying to do is keep quiet. I also have this interesting gurgle in my lungs, so I'm hacking constantly.

Today I'm back at work, though my dad is staying really far away from me, and keeps his hand hovering over his face to ward off the cold germs. But it feels good to be up off the couch, and not wanting to collapse. In my sick mode, it is my first step to normal. Wow, I'm such a wimp.

I'm still on soft foods. Mostly it's out of fear. I'm afraid to chew anything with my back teeth and I'm still having trouble opening my mouth all the way. And my appetite is nil. I've been living on pudding, applesauce, and even babyfood. Good news is through all of this I've lost 5 pounds. Bad news is, I'll gain it back once I start eating again. It's too bad I can't be sickly all the time, huh?

Anyways, that's my quick update. Everyone have a wonderful day!

Sick and Tired

I am not one to complain about my aches and pains, but I am hurting! I feel like crap. Yesterday and the day before I was fine, but today I just feel fluish and out of sorts. My parents have left for Fort Bragg for the weekend, and my sister is at work. So I am on my own today. This leaves me alone and feeling a little sorry for myself. I was fine the last two days, I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling so horrible today. Probably because I am cutting my pain medication in half so that I'm not so dependant on it. But there is this beautiful blue sky outside and I am cooped up inside with nothing to do, not that there's anything I want to do! I hate feeling this way! Tomorrow I get the kids back and I keep wondering how I'm going to do it, since I am not allowed to drive or anything. I thought I'd be off these meds by now, but just cutting them in half is leaving me miserable. I'm not even sure if I can make it to church tomorrow, and I may have to have my ex drop off the kids here at home. And with all this time to do nothing but think, I keep stressing about the little stuff. Ugh! I really hope this passes; the aches and pains, the feeling sorry for myself, the aloneness.

I have less wisdom

Teeth, that is. Today I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. Needless to say, I do not feel that hot right now. So I thought I'd post all of this before the numbness completely wears off. I'll miss all of you at Tribe tomorrow, so God Bless you all, and I wish you all well.

Worthiness

So, I've been having this inner conflict that has been seperating me from God. And last night at TRIBE, we got the opportunity to take communion. I decided not to, I didn't feel deserving enough this time to take something so holy. We worshipped in song, and as we sang, I prayed. I kept praying over and over that I wasn't worthy, that I was sorry. But then the words from my Catholic youth came back to me, as if the Lord was reminding me of something...

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed.

I prayed this three times. Then I felt the holy spirit inside of me, just a little. I wasn't overtaken, but I could feel the Lord's presence. I felt him telling me to take of Him, I was worthy. And so I did with thanks.

After TRIBE, several of us stayed behind and talked. I so enjoy the fellowship, as these are some of the most wonderful people I know. It was Gina (yes, you!) who made the most dramatic impact on me. She spoke words that had to come from God, for they were the words I needed to hear. She told me of times that she felt burdened by things, and let them get in the way of her relationship with God. It was at those times she felt the Lord telling her to put down those burdens and just dance with Him, that she was worthy. In essence, she was reminding me that we do not need to be perfect to have a close relationship with Jesus. I needed this. Gina, I am touched by your intimacy with God. You are, and have been to me, an inspiration in how I want my walk with the Lord to look.

I can see God working little reminders into my day to show me that He is there and that He cares. After going through several frantic and stressful weeks, I can feel a calmness coming back. And I know it goes hand in hand with my trust in the Lord. It is amazing how much I feel like I am struggling for air when I do not depend on the Lord. But when I give in and tell the Lord I trust Him, and that I am allowing His work to happen, everything is serene. I am worthy. The Lord accepts me, my struggles, and my faults. But to him, I am perfect. And the Lord is perfect. All those things I am seeking for and have been unable to find, they lie in Him. He is my other half, the one I am always so sure I am missing. But when I let Him, He fills me up. So excuse me while I shut out the world, lay down any guilt and burdens I am carrying, and go dance with my Lord!

Lord, I am worthy to receive you. You created me, and adopted me into your family. You would have it no other way. To know that you love me despite my faults, this is the love I have been searching for. You love me. And you always have, even when I just didn't know it. Thank you for your neverfailing love, and may I be an outlet of your love to the world!
Amen

There is nothing I shall want....

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your Redeemer.
Isaiah 54:4-8

*Lord, thank you for your faithfulness, for braiding yourself into the parts of me that are missing. Thank you for your never-failing protection and love of me, even when I fail you time and again.
Amen

Kids and divorce

Being a mom and going through a divorce is hard. There are so many raw emotions with this divorce. My ex has gotten completely nasty, and it hurts. But I respect my kids, and I refuse to step to his level, so I remain tightlipped and only curteous, even when it's near impossible. And then I find out that my daughter is telling her dad all these lies about me, saying I say bad things about him, or my family is. It is so hard! And still I remain tightlipped. I have not even confronted my daughter about this, because what would I say? At times it is so confusing as to how I'm supposed to react. Do I defend myself and plead my case? Do I remain silent and therefore be innocent of all wrongdoings? Am I being too passive? And what about when it's too much to handle, how much emotion am I allowed to share? And I do not talk about their dad with them, except to support them when they are sharing what they've done at dad's house, or about his latest promise to them. After all of the drama that went down on Sunday, my ex peeled out of the parking lot without even saying goodbye to the kids. When I got to my daughter, she asked where dad was, and I had to tell her he had left. And she burst into tears. And still, I said nothing about him. I just held her, told her I was sorry, and that he probably thought she had said goodbye already. She full on cried for a minute, then picked herself up and wiped her face. Then she acted like nothing had happened. It kills me.

As a mom, I am supposed to be strong for my kids. In the beginning of this divorce, I was a mess. My family stepped in, and I got my footing back. But ever since I regained my strength, I have been really careful to not show my weaknesses to my kids. This last Sunday I full-on cried in front of my daughter, and I was so ashamed. I just have so much weighing me down, and it's hard. But I did not want my daughter witnessing this, because it's about her dad. And as I cried, she was so uncomfortable, and I could tell she just wanted out of there. It used to be that if my daughter saw me crying, she would ask me what was the matter, and give me a hug. Now, she acts like I have the plague, and is embarassed by me. And she's only 7!

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I have worn myself out in being the best mom I can be, and thinking of them first, sacrificing so much in order to keep them happy. At times it seems like it's for nothing. I do not expect my ex to praise me or anything, but when he disrespects me as bad as he does, and allows his girlfriend to crap all over me, I wonder why I stuck around so long. It makes me feel that the only reason he said he loved me was because I was there. And then my kids, my daughter is playing us like a fiddle. And I get that. I understand she is telling her dad all those things because she is praised in a way for them. He then gets verbal with me, and I am left to defend myself against these lies, and my daughter skips off like nothing's going on. And I love her so much, it hurts. I know why she's doing it, she's such an angry child inside, and this is her way of getting attention from him. But it hurts that it's at my expense. I know she is too young to fully see the magnitude of all this, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder if there is some maliciousness in her, wanting to pay me back for leaving their dad.

I am still trying for full custody, but I've barely gotten through all the paperwork. I know it's the right decision, but part of me still is scared that I will ruin my kids by doing so. But with my ex's nature, and all that they have already witnessed before and after the divorce, I know that a lot of damage has already been done. But I also know that once everything is underway, my daughter will hate me even more. I am not taking them away from him, I just think it's vital that they spend less time over there. As it is, it always takes me 2 full days to get them back to normal when they get back home due to too much sugar and junk food, and 2 days without rules. But when they are calmed down, they are the best kids, and everything seems right and in place.

*Lord, I place my children in your hands, where they belong. They are your children. I am praying that you will protect them in the battles to come. All I want for them is to remain innocent and unhurt, and to be able to grow up into strong and successful adults. And I know that right now they couldn't possible understand what's going on, but I do pray that one day they will know just how much I love them. And please, protect me and keep me strong through this battle. Keep me from laying down and giving in by focusing me on what is best for these children you have given me. I pray that all insults, lies, and accusations that are hurled at me will only bounce off me and won't deter me from my mission. Please protect us, Lord.
And Lord, I do pray for my ex. I wanted so much for this divorce to be done in a calm manner, resulting in some sort of friendship. I still pray that one day this can happen so that we will be at peace, and our children will prosper the most. I pray that your will would be to calm my ex's heart and really see what is best for his kids.
Amen

Dog and Butterfly

God must be smiling today. Spring is in full bloom, and I can't get enough of this sunshine! The butterfly migration is taking place today through our backyard. We are fortunate enough to live in a place where we can witness such beauty. Several weeks ago it was the bird migration. Unfortunately, the little buggers are too fast to snap a picture of, but I so wanted to show a picture of today's beauty. So I settled on a picture of my dog peeking through the garden gate at me as I searched for a silly butterfly to take a picture of. I think she thought I was nuts. So I took her picture instead.

This is my dog Zoe. She is a fire truck reincarnated. I know this because we live near a fire station, and whenever a firetruck blares its siren, my normally mild-mannered dog lifts her nose to the sky and howls with it. It's so spooky sounding it's beautiful. She does not chase balls. If you throw one at her, she takes that as a cue to ignore the ball and just happily run at you and run into your legs, looking for some affection. Happiness to Zoe is a belly rub. She hardly ever barks, except if you just happen to be walking by our house. And it's not out of protecting, it's because she wants you to come over and pet her. But she does not tolerate other dogs in her yard, and will complain about it. But I guess when you're an old girl like her, you're allowed to be crotchety.

Anyways, happy spring to all of you, and have a blessed day!

Can sin be positive?

Besides freewill and lessons to be learned, could God be allowing sin into our lives to bring us closer to him? I know of times when I have sinned because it was easier to sin rather than to follow God's word. But my guilt made me pray harder than ever when I first tried explaining away my sin, and then eventually sought repentance.

This topic has been on my mind for awhile now, and Jimmy's current blog entry brought it back up in a way. One of his questions was Is there any thing that holds such a power over you that you cannot say no? Don't we all have something along these lines, small or big? We are all sinners, be it our thoughts, our words, or our actions. We all have some sort of crutch that keeps us from being absolutely pure. Christ did not die on that cross because we are perfect. But when it comes to admitting these wrongs, I think that's almost as hard as giving up the sin, at times.

Since all you shameless readers already know too much about my life (LOL!), I'll just say generically that I am a sinner. And there are definitely times when I am put in a situation that show my weaknesses in my Christian walk. And each time I struggle, I have the most intense talks with God, even if at times it's an argument with him. And yes, there are times when I don't like his answer for my life, so I turn my back on him and go the other way. But he is always there, and ready for me when I have come to my senses. It's like I'm the teenager, and he is the parent. He has his rules all lined up, and sometimes I just decide I know more about my life and rebel. But when I sheepishly come back, he is there with his arms open. Sometimes I come back out of my guilt, and sometimes I come back because things got harder due to my poor choices. But the sin itself brings me into Jesus' arms, begging for forgiveness and willing to lay my life down again. Each sin brings me back with a desire for strength in him. And rather than turn his back on me as I did to him, he gives his love without conditions. This is why I love the Prodigal Son story so much, because it pertains to all of us as sinners, and how God is ever-faithful in his acceptance of us when we return. We are always welcome in God's family as long as we want it.

Needing prayers

I am asking for all of my friends reading this to offer their prayers up to the Lord on behalf of my family and me. The Lord knows my circumstance, and my nervousness. I am asking for prayers of strength, wisdom, and courage. I don't want to make this all dramatic, it's just that it is time for some changes to be made, and I am still procrastinating in doing so. I am having a hard time separating my children's best interest from my fear of anger directed at me. And I've come up with excuse after excuse to keep me from making these changes, just to remain in denial that these things need to be done. And I need to get over that and make these changes now. But I need your help in finding that strength to do so. I'll start...

Lord, I am at your mercy, as I've been for awhile now. I accept and rejoice that my life is in your hands. I am actually grateful for your challenges for me, as I am stronger because of them. But at times I am afraid to ask for your divine help in the areas that matter most, and this is one of them. I ask for your hand to be over mine as I make the phonecalls that need to be made. I ask that your arms will support me as I plead my case. I ask that your robes will surround me and keep me safe, and that your whisper in my ear will be the only sound I hear. And if it is your will, I ask for your calmness to envelope other's hearts that may wish me ill will, but if I must suffer from that anger, that your grace will keep me strong. Lord, I am about to pray harder than ever before for your guidance and protection. And I thank you now for the path you will give me.
Amen

The Resurrection

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16


Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to see the tomb. Suddenly there was a great earthquake, because an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and rolled aside the stone and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint.
Then the angel spoke to the women. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn't here! He has been raised from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. And now, go quickly and tell his disciples he has been raised from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember, I have told you."
The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great joy, and they rushed to find the disciples to give them the angel's message. And as they went, Jesus met them. "Greetings!" he said. And they ran to him, held his feet, and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Don't be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there."
Matthew 28:1-10

Good Friday

Jesus said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing." And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
The crowd watched, and the leaders laughed and scoffed. "He saved others," they said, "let him save himself if he is really God's Chosen One, the Messiah." The soldiers mocked him, too, by offering him a drink of sour wine. They called out to him, "If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!" A signboard was nailed to the cross above him with these words: "This is the King of the Jews."
One of the criminals hanging beside him scoffed, "So you're the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself-and us, too, while you're at it!"
But the other criminal protested, "Don't you fear God even when you are dying? We deserve to die for our evil deeds, but this man hasn't done anything wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom."
And Jesus replied, "I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise."
By this time it was noon, and darkness fell across the whole land until three o'clock. The light from the sun was gone. And suddenly, the thick veil hanging in the Temple was torn apart. Then Jesus shouted, "Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!" And with those words he breathed his last.
When the captain of the Roman soldiers handling the executions saw what had happened, he praised God and said, "Surely this man was innocent." And when the crowd that came to see the crucifixion saw all that had happened, they went home in deep sorrow. But Jesus' friends, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance watching.
Luke 23:34-49

Creating tomorrow from today

Can I just say, I love my job! How many people get to say that? I really hope when I am fullforce, I will still be saying that. I am currently training under my dad in the real estate appraisal business. For a while there, business was slow. My dad's been freaking out, and my paychecks have been mere pennies, but I found it to be a great time to learn the basics at a decent pace and not get overwhelmed. Now, things are slowly picking up, and I have more work on my desk. It feels so gratifying to be able to give significant help to my dad, and also feel like I am doing a substantial amount of work on each appraisal I am responsible for. When I have done an appraisal, and my dad only has to make minor changes to it, I feel SMART and WORTHWHILE. And there is nothing like having work during the day vs. not working to make the day pass faster and make you feel better about yourself.

In one to two years, I will be a fully licensed appraiser. I can't help dreaming of all the things I will be able to accomplish with the kind of paycheck a job like this can bring. All my debts will be paid. I can own my own car, maybe even my own house or condo. I can afford to buy nicer clothes. I can have a substantial savings. I can pay for my daughter's braces. I won't have to tell my kids we "don't have the money for that". I can invest. I can forget about living week to week. And most importantly, I won't have to depend on anyone else for financial reasons.

Financial freedom means many different things to me, but mostly it means independance. I do not feel like I can be in a relationship with someone that is marriage headed until I have all my finances and debts in order. When I am finally at the place for marriage again, I want to be financially independant, so that there are no confused lines. I want to still make my own money and care for my own family, without feeling like I need to depend on someone else. And even before I get to that level, I want to have lived in my very own place, something I have never done. I've always been a dependant, whether it's with my family or with my husband. I have never experienced life as a full on independant. And just knowing that I have a future that includes that is really exciting!

In the meantime, I do not knock my position. Of course, I long for the future now, but tomorrow does not happen without today. To have a successful future, I must live with my parents now to properly train at a low wage, get strong on the inside, and get reconnected with my family bonds and friendships. I must be a dependant now so that I can feel safe, pay off my debts, and prepare for my future. And I am eternally grateful to my parents for giving me this second chance to make something of myself.

Hair

Ok, I need a change of pace today. I would give anything for a great haircut and color! Months ago I went through this period of time when I needed a drastic change, and that included dyeing my hair BLACK. Yes, it was drastic. And not only was it black, it was BLUE-BLACK. Yes, that's right, my naturally red highlights were exchanged for blue ones. And suddenly I was a different person. I felt like I needed more tattoos or something, to go with my blue-black hair.

And I felt different! I had attitude. I felt not so girly, but ruggedly. I wore more makeup to offset the paleness my skin took on even more because of the blue-black hair. And at first, I really hated this hair. I thought I would end up looking exotic, and instead I looked like a biker chick or something. I stopped being Crissi who was going through a painful divorce, but Crissi who had really blue-black hair. I felt like a giant thumb, or something, this big abstract thing in the midst of normal people with normal hair. And I tried everything to tone down this mistake of a haircolor. I was told that dish soap can fade hair color. Well, a bottle later, and I realized that black just doesn't go away, it has to grow out.

Well, eventually my blue-black hair became just black, and I got used to it. I added this bright red to the top of it, and it actually looked really cool. And after my hair had calmed down, I suddenly received lots of compliments on my bold choice. I started playing more with it, and again felt like a different person. But this time it wasn't the biker chick, but the exotic girl I was searching for.

Well, hair does grow, and I've been too chicken to redo the whole black thing. So now it is brown for about 3 inches, and then it is black. And I hate it again! I've been wearing it up for the most part, so I have brown on my head, and a black ponytail. It's a horse effect, I guess, with a black tail. But as soon as I scrape the money together, it's changing again.

Yes, this is the most superficial post I've come up with. But the thing is, there was a time when I never cared much about my appearance. Now I do. And I think it's important.

Words of encouragement

Going through my DivorceCare workbook, I was brought to the book of Matthew, which lighted upon the very subject I am suffering from: betrayal and lonliness. I was brought to where Jesus was both betrayed by his followers Judas and Peter. How sad and hurt Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed him on the cheek, thus turning him over to his enemies, and then to be denied three times by Peter as he suffered. Jesus was lead to his death after being deserted by his disciples, and suffered alone on that cross. I've always known this story, one we remember all year long,and especially at this time of celebration that is Easter. But I felt the sadness that Jesus must have experienced as men he had called his brothers turned on him in his hour of need. But the difference with Jesus, his loving heart forgave them, even before the events had taken place. He knew the reason for these betrayals, and knew it was to fulfill the Scriptures. And then in the end, when all was said and done, he asked his father in heaven to forgive his enemies. It prompted me to read more, and I came upon this passage of encouragement in Matthew 5.

"God blesses you when you are mocked and persecuted and lied about because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted, too." Matthew 5:11-12

And it goes on with words about being the salt and the light of the earth, teachings about anger and reconciliation, teachings about revenge and joyful giving, and teachings about love for your enemy. These are all things that I have been attempting to live by, and the encouragement that I received last night from rereading this passage was exactly where I needed to be to bring me some peace. I encourage all of you to read Matthew 5 in times of trial when your heart is at war with another person, and how to act upon it. This has been my life's lesson, one I've had to have plenty of practice with in the past couple of months, how to be good and sweet to those who wish the worst for me and treat me with contempt, and understand that my reward lies in heaven. And the truth is, I do pray that eventually my demeanor in these situations will rub off on my ex and his girlfriend so that they may be good, too. Is that heaping coals on my enemies' heads, Paster Tom?

Fear

There once was a time when I went through the same sort of stress I am experiencing now and the way I dealt with it was by being unproductive and melancholy. Now, I feel that same tiredness coming on, but I am trying to remain busy to work my way through it. But I am going through so much right now, and it's starting to feel unbearable. I would give anything to just be able to get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hibernate until the storm has passed. But the difference now is I know that no matter my circumstances, I still have my responsibilities that have to be done (work, household chores, kids, etc). Hiding is no way to deal with my problems. I must bite the bullet and face them straight on, even if I am shaken up on the inside. It's my phobias that get to me. Oh sure, he helps. Ever since I filed with the DA, things have gotten steadily worse. At first it was just him dishing out the verbal abuse, but now his girlfriend is in on it. And I remain calm and collected on the outside, watching my words and my temper, but on the inside I am a frightened child, hurt by the words they hurl at me. It's not fair. It's times like these that make me regret my wholesomeness, and wish I could be just half as heartless. Maybe then the words wouldn't sting half as much. It's amazing when a year ago, even at our worst times, I never would have guessed he'd act this hateful to me. It's sad, really. He doesn't know how much I fear seeing him, hearing his messages on my phone, dreading each time contact is unavoidable from him. He doesn't know how afraid of him I really am, not fully knowing what he is capable of, and who he can fool into thinking he is the sane one and I am the crazy one. I hold my head up high and don't let him get the satisfation of seeing my hurt and anguish. I only wait until the most private of times when I let my tears fall freely.

Singleness

My ex is very good at reminding me about why I am so lucky to be single now.... But, too much stress!!! I'm wondering if this is ever going to die down and be peaceful. I'm liable to crumble under this pressure.

Brokenness

Today I attended the 90th birthday of my great aunt. It was cool seeing some of our distant family, all second and third cousins, etc., to me, and just catch up. And I got to tell my story a little to those who knew what was going on with me, and let them know just how wonderful my life is turning out.

As a tribute to my great aunt, someone put together a slide show of her life. It was truly amazing how it came out. It talked about her younger years of being this wonderful girl who went against the grain in some ways. It talked about her marriage and the great love she shared with her husband, and the generations that came from it. I thought it was all cool until it showed this one part about my second cousin (great aunt's daughter) and her marriage. I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. And I was embarassed because amongst all the sniffles from people crying over this beautiful tribute, I was selfishly crying over myself.

The truth is I saw this love and legacy being passed down throughout this family. I saw the happy faces and family continuously growing with each picture. And I realized that I did not have that now, in a way. In this moment of weakness, I mourned the loss of my marriage, regardless of how this was never a reality anyways, and mourned that I would not be growing old and happy with my children's father, creating legacies to be passed down to our generations. Our family is torn apart, and it's so unfortunate that it had to be this way. A family consists of a dad and mom, their children, and all their lives entwined in ways that keep them involved in each other's lives. A family is a unit of seperate people who support each other in ways that other's couldn't possibly. I never thought I would be in a place where my kids get to spend some of their time with me, and some of their time away from me. And when I married my ex, I never would have imagined he would be so hateful to me as he is now, forgetting all those years I loved him and did everything for him. I never thought I'd be his enemy.

I am not so ungrateful that I don't see the love and support I have in my parents, sisters, and friends. I am not so blind to see that my life is better off this way. I do enjoy being single and living life exactly my way, and creating my own future. But I'd be lying if I said I weren't heartbroken that things turned out as awful as they have. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt now and then. And it would be a lie if I claimed to not be jealous of those family units where all the pieces fit together like they are supposed to, instead of missing pieces like mine. I so long for that to be my reality.

Today I am cute!

Today I was cute as he**.

I had to take pictures of houses in Guerneville, and this one duplex owner was giving me a really hard time. I've been hassled before about taking pictures of houses, even though it is perfectly legal, so I was a little worried this time. But it turns out he was just teasing me. Anyways, long story short, he called me cute as he**, and I've been feeling cute all day! Not bad, since most days I feel extra ordinary and plain.