First things first, I cannot stand this whole Hello thing. It worked when I set it up, and now it just doesn't. It's so frustrating, because I cannot use it to upload new pictures and post them here. Aaaaarrrrgh!
Anyways, I am getting farther in my journey by learning about how letting go of resentment and ill-wishes can make me free. My ex and his girlfriend suffered a miscarriage this last week. Suddenly, all the things that I had deemed unfair in my life "caused by him" seemed very small. I'd be a liar if this news didn't bring a small amount of relief to me, but it also brought on a surprising amount of compassion. It brought me back to my own losses. My friends already know this, but 2 1/2 years ago I lost my son 32 weeks into my pregnancy. I was weeks away from the moment of meeting him, and suddenly was told he had no heartbeat. I had to deliver his body, my first time ever going through labor. My first two babies had been c-sections. This loss brought on a deep depression for me. I was usually the sunny one in the household, and my darkness put a damper on our family. When I couldn't bring myself out of it, my ex suffered even more, and our finances and stability went with it. It was the worst experience of my life, and the beginning of the end for my marriage. Shortly afterwards, I suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I think if I'd finished grieving for my son, it would have been sadder, but at that point I was still such a zombie. A year after that loss, I was moving out of my house and ending the marriage. Two years from that miscarriage will be this April, when our divorce will be final.
A baby can change your life forever. When you lose that baby, your life is still dramatically changed. No matter how long that baby was inside of you, you have made countless plans and dreams about him or her. Your previous life as a single human being suddenly becomes altered to include that baby, and when that baby is suddenly gone, it's a huge loss. You knew that baby. He or she was yours. And you never got the chance to tell that baby how much you loved him or her. You never got the chance to hold that baby and look into that precious child's eyes. And along with the loss of that baby is the hopes and dreams. You have just lost more than a child, you have lost a future you had planned for, even briefly.
When my ex told me about the miscarriage, I could not tell him enough how sorry I was. I couldn't help feeling sorry for the girl I usually resented more than appreciated. True, I hated this pregnancy with a passion. The relationship itself felt like a dishonor to our marriage with my ex moving on so quickly after I left. But the pregnancy sealed the deal that this girl would be around "forever", and it made me mad that this happened with such utter disregard to how it would affect our children who were still confused about the family being split up. But the truth is, it made me feel like I never mattered to him, and that it was very easy for him to replace me and make his instant family with someone else. When the pregnancy was suddenly lost in a moment, I was suddenly aware of how much bigger life was than just me. And I also became aware that no matter what happened, it didn't concern me anymore. I have put so much energy into wondering if he still thinks about me, wishing ill-will towards him, hating him, thinking of revenge, etc, and all it has gotten me is nowhere. No, that's not true, it's gotten me nowhere with a lot of stress on my shoulders. And now another human being was hurt with a hurt that was all too familiar to me. All the resentment I had put so much effort into seemed so irrelevant for the time being.
That very afternoon I went out and found a pretty potted plant of yellow tulips. They just seemed right. And I added a card that gave them both my condolences, and that they would be in my prayers. I then gave the flowers to my mother in law to give to them. She thought I was nuts, by the way. And I've done a lot praying, too.
Yesterday I met with them during the kid handoff. As my ex buckled the kids into my car, I went to his girlfriend and again told her how sorry I was. We actually had a heartfelt conversation for 5 minutes. Today she went in for her D & C, and my prayers have been with her.
No, this will not make friends of me and the girlfriend. Yes, I will still feel times of resentment or anger. I am not perfect, and I still have kinks in my life to work out. At least I have come to the realization that I am still not over things, and I am allowed to take my time with it. That in itself gives me peace and puts me strides ahead of where I was. And at these moments when I am not concerned with their relationship or anything that concerns my ex's personal life, I feel like I am truly free of this weight that's been holding me down. And I smile more, too.
*Lord, do watch over this girl and give her the guidance and the comfort she needs. You know her life, and what it is that she is missing. Heal her pain, give them both the need to cry out to you.
It's been rough being hit right and left with all you are putting on me, Lord. I feel more and more how much you want me to circumcise my life and lay it all down to you. And it's hard! I still feel the need to struggle or complain when it comes to giving up all my wants. I am still not as patient as I need to be. I know you have a plan, and I will not see it in its entirety until I submit to you completely and accept all you want for me. But I have caught enough glimpses to know I want it. Lord, please give me that courage to trust in you completely and not question your will for me. Give me that courage to be your child through and through without reservations. Let me be free through you, and the strength to apply all you want to my life permanently.
Amen.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
A woman scorned
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
At times I wonder if this is where my drive comes from. I have so much to be angry about when it comes to my ex, and to get me past it, I have basically cut off most contact from him. So when I start thinking about wanting full custody of the kids, I really try to do so without my hatred of him in mind. This is hard to do! But I look at all the times he has been a neglectful parent, and my blood boils, and I feel entitled.
I decided the moral thing to do would be to talk to my ex about all this before I filed papers. This was a split second decision. When I picked up the kids that Saturday, he had obviously had a rough time with them. So I asked if he wanted some pointers on making the weekends easier. Somehow we got into the whole discussion on his girlfriend, and the pregnancy mess he is in. I can't help it, I feel bad for him. Granted, he had just as much fault in all of it. But little by little his whole life is just closing down on him. And he has closed himself off so much from everyone, especially his family. I realized that me filing would just add to everything. Granted, the custody issue really is about the kids, and not him, but it affects him. So I told him what I wanted, and asked if he would go along. Of course he wouldn't. But he wanted to know why. I told him that the last two months have proven to be really chaotic, so much that the kids are not receiving routine care at his house, and his anger has spouted off more than once in front of them. As for the personal care, he blamed that on the fact that I was always the one who did that. But I pointed out that before he moved to RiverRat town, the kids were receiving baths, and brushing their teeth, etc. But since the move, their teeth go unbrushed, no baths are given, they wear the same clothes day and night, they have no bedtime, they watch horrible movies, etc.
I do have to say that regardless of the content of this conversation, never once did he lose his cool. He never blew up. And it remained calm. We got back on the subject of his life, and I urged him to call his mom. I even dialed the number for him and gave him the phone. After we parted, he spent all day there, and yesterday too.
Last night I talked to my mother in law just to check in to see how he was doing. Of course we got on the subject of custody. I don't know why it surprised me, but my MIL told me that she urged my ex to hold onto his custody and fight for it. I pointed out all the neglect that was going on. She pointed out how neglectful things were when we were together, and wondered if I was acting on being a "woman scorned".
Of course I argued with her on all this. And after the phone call (we did end it peacefully), I couldn't help but mull over her words. When my ex and I were together, I went through a severe depression. And my kids did suffer for it. And the truth is, if I hadn't had my parents to fall back on these past 10 months, what kind of mother would I be? My ex is going through a severe depression now with little to no support system. And while his blow ups with me are unexcusable, I can remember how much effort it was for me in my depressed state to take care of myself, let alone a kid.
And then there's my anger. Yes, my ex has been neglectful, but had I ever really talked to him about it? Maybe he just needed some directions as to what I expected from him during these weekend visits. My whole attitude has been to watch him fall and have something for my records in my fight for custody. I know that if I told him what I wanted him to do, he would just do it. And granted, the bedtime thing won't change, and maybe not even the movies. But these are small things that aren't my concern. The truth is, kids watch scary movies all the time. I did as a kid.
And even in his depressed state, he has made a point of taking them to the park every weekend. He does fun stuff with them. He is so much more involved in their lives than he used to be. If the responsible stuff was taken care of, isn't that what they need? My main concern for them when the schedule changed for them on the weekends was that they do fun stuff on the weekends. And he has not failed once during this time.
I've been really confused on this because I have my counselor pushing for my fight, and my parents too. I am not naturally a malicious person, and this has been tearing me up inside and keeping me up at nights. I really don't want to feel hate, and I think my counselor has been igniting that in me. I know the reasons, so I don't fall back in his web. But there really is no danger of me getting back together with him, or wanting to. I just don't want him as an enemy, and I think I could move on so much easier if we got along with no legal fights at all.
So my plan is for us to get sit down together some time and just discuss all the needs of the kids and how they can be met. They're the ones this involves, and our feelings have no rhyme or reason in this. And I also want to urge him to get into some sort of counseling to talk over all this stuff, and to help him from making anymore messes in his life.
I talked to my parents on the custody stuff today, and while I had to really explain myself, they did say that whatever my choice they would stand behind me. For once I do feel like I am making the moral decision here. And if things don't change, then I have to make some changes myself. But I can at least give him a fair chance.
*Lord, please watch over him. He needs You, even though he in not calling out to You. He is lost. I pray that he receives the help he needs to handle all the burdens on his shoulders. I pray that he will make the changes necessary to be the father I know he is capable of being. And I pray that I let go enough to allow this to happen, and ease my mind. I pray that I can make the change in me to see and understand his human side, as I have a very large human side myself. And I pray that through all of this, we can make it to place where we are friends with no conditions, that we can let go of all our hurts and past angers, and just be friends. I pray on this for the kids' sakes, but mostly for our own present and future peace. I pray all of this with all my heart.
Amen
At times I wonder if this is where my drive comes from. I have so much to be angry about when it comes to my ex, and to get me past it, I have basically cut off most contact from him. So when I start thinking about wanting full custody of the kids, I really try to do so without my hatred of him in mind. This is hard to do! But I look at all the times he has been a neglectful parent, and my blood boils, and I feel entitled.
I decided the moral thing to do would be to talk to my ex about all this before I filed papers. This was a split second decision. When I picked up the kids that Saturday, he had obviously had a rough time with them. So I asked if he wanted some pointers on making the weekends easier. Somehow we got into the whole discussion on his girlfriend, and the pregnancy mess he is in. I can't help it, I feel bad for him. Granted, he had just as much fault in all of it. But little by little his whole life is just closing down on him. And he has closed himself off so much from everyone, especially his family. I realized that me filing would just add to everything. Granted, the custody issue really is about the kids, and not him, but it affects him. So I told him what I wanted, and asked if he would go along. Of course he wouldn't. But he wanted to know why. I told him that the last two months have proven to be really chaotic, so much that the kids are not receiving routine care at his house, and his anger has spouted off more than once in front of them. As for the personal care, he blamed that on the fact that I was always the one who did that. But I pointed out that before he moved to RiverRat town, the kids were receiving baths, and brushing their teeth, etc. But since the move, their teeth go unbrushed, no baths are given, they wear the same clothes day and night, they have no bedtime, they watch horrible movies, etc.
I do have to say that regardless of the content of this conversation, never once did he lose his cool. He never blew up. And it remained calm. We got back on the subject of his life, and I urged him to call his mom. I even dialed the number for him and gave him the phone. After we parted, he spent all day there, and yesterday too.
Last night I talked to my mother in law just to check in to see how he was doing. Of course we got on the subject of custody. I don't know why it surprised me, but my MIL told me that she urged my ex to hold onto his custody and fight for it. I pointed out all the neglect that was going on. She pointed out how neglectful things were when we were together, and wondered if I was acting on being a "woman scorned".
Of course I argued with her on all this. And after the phone call (we did end it peacefully), I couldn't help but mull over her words. When my ex and I were together, I went through a severe depression. And my kids did suffer for it. And the truth is, if I hadn't had my parents to fall back on these past 10 months, what kind of mother would I be? My ex is going through a severe depression now with little to no support system. And while his blow ups with me are unexcusable, I can remember how much effort it was for me in my depressed state to take care of myself, let alone a kid.
And then there's my anger. Yes, my ex has been neglectful, but had I ever really talked to him about it? Maybe he just needed some directions as to what I expected from him during these weekend visits. My whole attitude has been to watch him fall and have something for my records in my fight for custody. I know that if I told him what I wanted him to do, he would just do it. And granted, the bedtime thing won't change, and maybe not even the movies. But these are small things that aren't my concern. The truth is, kids watch scary movies all the time. I did as a kid.
And even in his depressed state, he has made a point of taking them to the park every weekend. He does fun stuff with them. He is so much more involved in their lives than he used to be. If the responsible stuff was taken care of, isn't that what they need? My main concern for them when the schedule changed for them on the weekends was that they do fun stuff on the weekends. And he has not failed once during this time.
I've been really confused on this because I have my counselor pushing for my fight, and my parents too. I am not naturally a malicious person, and this has been tearing me up inside and keeping me up at nights. I really don't want to feel hate, and I think my counselor has been igniting that in me. I know the reasons, so I don't fall back in his web. But there really is no danger of me getting back together with him, or wanting to. I just don't want him as an enemy, and I think I could move on so much easier if we got along with no legal fights at all.
So my plan is for us to get sit down together some time and just discuss all the needs of the kids and how they can be met. They're the ones this involves, and our feelings have no rhyme or reason in this. And I also want to urge him to get into some sort of counseling to talk over all this stuff, and to help him from making anymore messes in his life.
I talked to my parents on the custody stuff today, and while I had to really explain myself, they did say that whatever my choice they would stand behind me. For once I do feel like I am making the moral decision here. And if things don't change, then I have to make some changes myself. But I can at least give him a fair chance.
*Lord, please watch over him. He needs You, even though he in not calling out to You. He is lost. I pray that he receives the help he needs to handle all the burdens on his shoulders. I pray that he will make the changes necessary to be the father I know he is capable of being. And I pray that I let go enough to allow this to happen, and ease my mind. I pray that I can make the change in me to see and understand his human side, as I have a very large human side myself. And I pray that through all of this, we can make it to place where we are friends with no conditions, that we can let go of all our hurts and past angers, and just be friends. I pray on this for the kids' sakes, but mostly for our own present and future peace. I pray all of this with all my heart.
Amen
Friday, February 18, 2005
My baby
I was watching Joan of Arcadia tonight. The storyline was the classic teenager against her mother routine. And my mom told me to just wait, see what I was going to go through. Yeah, I saw something in the rebellion. Joan wanted to go to a concert and stay overnight with her boyfriend. Her mom told her no. So Joan got an alibi, and went anyways. Been there. Done that. Many times over. And someday I know my own daughter will try to also pull the wool over my eyes. And having been a teenager once, I dreadfully say that she will probably succeed sometimes.
I hate using TV as something I draw lessons from, but several lessons did pop out at me. One was on being alone. God told Joan something about being alone. I can't remember what exactly he said, but with Joan, the circumstances she faced put her in a position where she couldn't talk to anyone about it. God talked about free will, and Joan had figured that was her excuse to go through with the concert. But when it came down with it, God was really saying we have free will with how we deal with each situation, and we need to look at the whole picture, not just the right now. And when she found herself in solitude because she felt she couldn't talk to anyone about it, she was the one who put herself there, and she had the choice to stay there or get out.
But the part I really wanted to talk about was how cool her mom was, and I hope I can be just as cool as this fictional mom to my future teenager. Joan confessed to her mom that she had lied. Instead of blowing up, which would be any mom's gut reaction, her mom told her she would be mad later, and gave her the opportunity to talk it out and get out what was troubling her. How cool is that? Joan trusts her mom to confide in her because her mom allows her to have that trust.
Tonight Summer called me from her dad's house. Her dad was in the closed off bedroom with his girlfriend while Summer and Lucas occupied and took care of themselves. They had already been alone for a half hour when she got bored and called me. I talked with her for 45 minutes. During that time, she was in charge of her 4 year old brother. She's only 7 years old! Lucas was bouncing off the walls, taking advantage of the situation. This is what he does when he doesn't have attention. Summer remedied this by taking the finished movie out of the VCR and putting a new one in for him. Then he was quiet. For a moment, she was the responsible one there, taking care of her little brother, doing what she could to make things better.
It was almost 7 pm and I asked Summer to knock on the door and tell her dad she was hungry. 15 minutes later his girlfriend came out and yelled at Summer for being on the phone. Summer told her that I had said she could call me whenever she needed to. The girlfriend angrily asked Summer if she wanted to be at her mom's house. When Summer tried to say something, the girlfriend cut her off and repeated the question. I told Summer she was not in trouble, and that she could call me if she needed to. I asked if she needed to get off the phone. She said yes. At that moment, my baby was older than 7. I told her I loved her, and we said goodbye.
*Lord, you gave me two precious gifts when you allowed me to be a mother. And through the years, you have taught me more and more how to take care of these special gifts. I will not take these gifts for granted. I hold them dear to my heart, and will try to keep them safe forever. You've shown me sign after sign of what my next step needs to be, and I keep asking you for more signs. I wanted to be sure. Lord, I will not ask for more of these signs from you. You have answered me over and over, and I hear you. Thank you for your faithfulness and patience with me. And thank you for letting me so far be the kind of mother a daughter can trust. I hope to continue that through my children's years.
-Amen
I hate using TV as something I draw lessons from, but several lessons did pop out at me. One was on being alone. God told Joan something about being alone. I can't remember what exactly he said, but with Joan, the circumstances she faced put her in a position where she couldn't talk to anyone about it. God talked about free will, and Joan had figured that was her excuse to go through with the concert. But when it came down with it, God was really saying we have free will with how we deal with each situation, and we need to look at the whole picture, not just the right now. And when she found herself in solitude because she felt she couldn't talk to anyone about it, she was the one who put herself there, and she had the choice to stay there or get out.
But the part I really wanted to talk about was how cool her mom was, and I hope I can be just as cool as this fictional mom to my future teenager. Joan confessed to her mom that she had lied. Instead of blowing up, which would be any mom's gut reaction, her mom told her she would be mad later, and gave her the opportunity to talk it out and get out what was troubling her. How cool is that? Joan trusts her mom to confide in her because her mom allows her to have that trust.
Tonight Summer called me from her dad's house. Her dad was in the closed off bedroom with his girlfriend while Summer and Lucas occupied and took care of themselves. They had already been alone for a half hour when she got bored and called me. I talked with her for 45 minutes. During that time, she was in charge of her 4 year old brother. She's only 7 years old! Lucas was bouncing off the walls, taking advantage of the situation. This is what he does when he doesn't have attention. Summer remedied this by taking the finished movie out of the VCR and putting a new one in for him. Then he was quiet. For a moment, she was the responsible one there, taking care of her little brother, doing what she could to make things better.
It was almost 7 pm and I asked Summer to knock on the door and tell her dad she was hungry. 15 minutes later his girlfriend came out and yelled at Summer for being on the phone. Summer told her that I had said she could call me whenever she needed to. The girlfriend angrily asked Summer if she wanted to be at her mom's house. When Summer tried to say something, the girlfriend cut her off and repeated the question. I told Summer she was not in trouble, and that she could call me if she needed to. I asked if she needed to get off the phone. She said yes. At that moment, my baby was older than 7. I told her I loved her, and we said goodbye.
*Lord, you gave me two precious gifts when you allowed me to be a mother. And through the years, you have taught me more and more how to take care of these special gifts. I will not take these gifts for granted. I hold them dear to my heart, and will try to keep them safe forever. You've shown me sign after sign of what my next step needs to be, and I keep asking you for more signs. I wanted to be sure. Lord, I will not ask for more of these signs from you. You have answered me over and over, and I hear you. Thank you for your faithfulness and patience with me. And thank you for letting me so far be the kind of mother a daughter can trust. I hope to continue that through my children's years.
-Amen
Spiritual blackhole
Ever have one of those life periods where you don't feel God? This is where I am right now. It's not that I think He's gone, but just that He's more distant. This is when I need to be more careful, because it would be so easy to throw in the towel and walk away from my morality. And at times like these, it's easy to forget about God altogether.
I think the reason God has pulled away is in part because of all the life changes I am making. I've learned that God pulls away so that we work harder to seek Him. And it's also a way to test me. I can boast to Him all I want about what I am doing for Him, but it means nothing unless I am sincere. If I don't feel Him, will I just forget about these changes since I'm not feeling any kind of reciprocation for my "good deeds"? No, what He wants me to do is keep going, maybe even work harder.
The part I'm confused about is whether it's ok to feel like I'm just going through the motions. I know that He is the reason I am doing it, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just blindly going through the motions. I know I am following His direction for my life, but a lot of the time it's like I forget who I'm doing this for. I feel like where God is, is an empty space. I know He's there, it's just hard when I don't feel Him.
I think another part of why I feel this way is because I'm not being taken seriously in the religion department at home. My mom tells me that giving up meat is very risky and if I feel lacking then I should just eat meat. It's silly, but this bothers me, as if she believes I'm just giving up something for the fun of it. My dad says he won't give anything up for Lent, because he's sacrificed enough in his lifetime. And when I pray at meals and thank God for preparing the meal for us, my sister interjects and tells me that God didn't prepare it, my mom or whoever did. I've always thought of my house as a Godly house, but more and more I see it isn't. My mom is religious, but the rest of my family has no religion. They just exist for the present.
Now I refuse to be one of those condemning Christians who points fingers about judgment day and all, but I hate feeling always on the defense about my religion. I grew up rebellious, and was not religious. But it has become bigger and bigger in my life since I refound God 4 years ago. But to my family who hasn't been in much contact with me until I moved back home almost a year ago, this all still seems pretty new. It wasn't until recently that for one, I stopped living like a hypocrite, and two, I just let my faith show itself even more. But there are definitely times it seems like too much work to let myself just be me and not worry about acceptance.
I've also been trying to make my prayers less about me and more about Him. Do you know how difficult that is? I don't know when my focus changed so drastically, but I heard myself pray a while back and was amazed at how many things I asked the Lord to help me with, instead of just offering these things to Him.
To make a long story long, I am in this spiritual blackhole, where I just feel drained and empty. And even though I am trying to be understanding, I think it's harsh that God is pulling away at this very point in my life.
*Lord, it's hard to even pray to You right now in wide open web space. It's hard when I don't hear You. But I know You hear me, and my prayers do please You. So even though You seem farther away, I am still offering my sacrifices to You, and remaining faithful to You. And I am grateful to You for putting the desire of change in me.
-Amen
I think the reason God has pulled away is in part because of all the life changes I am making. I've learned that God pulls away so that we work harder to seek Him. And it's also a way to test me. I can boast to Him all I want about what I am doing for Him, but it means nothing unless I am sincere. If I don't feel Him, will I just forget about these changes since I'm not feeling any kind of reciprocation for my "good deeds"? No, what He wants me to do is keep going, maybe even work harder.
The part I'm confused about is whether it's ok to feel like I'm just going through the motions. I know that He is the reason I am doing it, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just blindly going through the motions. I know I am following His direction for my life, but a lot of the time it's like I forget who I'm doing this for. I feel like where God is, is an empty space. I know He's there, it's just hard when I don't feel Him.
I think another part of why I feel this way is because I'm not being taken seriously in the religion department at home. My mom tells me that giving up meat is very risky and if I feel lacking then I should just eat meat. It's silly, but this bothers me, as if she believes I'm just giving up something for the fun of it. My dad says he won't give anything up for Lent, because he's sacrificed enough in his lifetime. And when I pray at meals and thank God for preparing the meal for us, my sister interjects and tells me that God didn't prepare it, my mom or whoever did. I've always thought of my house as a Godly house, but more and more I see it isn't. My mom is religious, but the rest of my family has no religion. They just exist for the present.
Now I refuse to be one of those condemning Christians who points fingers about judgment day and all, but I hate feeling always on the defense about my religion. I grew up rebellious, and was not religious. But it has become bigger and bigger in my life since I refound God 4 years ago. But to my family who hasn't been in much contact with me until I moved back home almost a year ago, this all still seems pretty new. It wasn't until recently that for one, I stopped living like a hypocrite, and two, I just let my faith show itself even more. But there are definitely times it seems like too much work to let myself just be me and not worry about acceptance.
I've also been trying to make my prayers less about me and more about Him. Do you know how difficult that is? I don't know when my focus changed so drastically, but I heard myself pray a while back and was amazed at how many things I asked the Lord to help me with, instead of just offering these things to Him.
To make a long story long, I am in this spiritual blackhole, where I just feel drained and empty. And even though I am trying to be understanding, I think it's harsh that God is pulling away at this very point in my life.
*Lord, it's hard to even pray to You right now in wide open web space. It's hard when I don't hear You. But I know You hear me, and my prayers do please You. So even though You seem farther away, I am still offering my sacrifices to You, and remaining faithful to You. And I am grateful to You for putting the desire of change in me.
-Amen
Monday, February 14, 2005
Red as a valentine rose
I totally hate that I did share that much in wide open space. It's one thing if I was totally faceless and nameless. But friends are reading here, and my picture and name exists right here next to my dirty laundry. And it's so easy to make a decision as big as this now, when I really have no choice anyway, but what about when I've met someone and things get serious? I really don't know how I'll deal then, will I be able to stick to my guns? Will I want to?
As for those of you reading this that know me, I am not going to mention this outside of my blog. I'm a little bit embarassed. On Saturday I was just totally convicted, and knew I needed to write it out to keep the plan in motion. But unlike other blogs I've had where I've been able to spill my guts, this one is more revealing for the above reasons. So I spilled my guts here in my regular "in your face" fashion, but didn't think of how I'd feel when people I'm still getting to know would read about my most private life dealings. So my face is a little red right now. At this moment I wish I were faceless again!
Anyway, today is Valentine's Day. And I do love this Hallmark holiday. I've been pretty good natured about the fact that I don't have a romantic valentine (though it still kind of sucks!). The new guy "just isn't interested". He never said so, but I've read the book.... That's ok, it gives me the perfect chance to hold off on any kind of relationship and finally be at the point where I am ok with being single. I finally realize that everything I've been told about enjoying being single, and focusing on myself right now is true. I'm just not in as big of a hurry to move on as I was before, as my needs have changed. Before it was like I was in competion with my ex, now I could care less. I'm actually better off than his current situation, anyways!
But as far as valentines, I do have my kids! I got them some little treats and made them each a valentine card. I bought myself some daffodils from Trader Joes, and they just opened up completely today. Nothing can bring some sunshine to your morning like a bunch of big yellow blossoms! Summer has the day off school today, so we hung out at Aroma's this morning and totally pigged out! I had their famous breakfast burrito, she had a massive blueberry muffin. And of course our hot drinks. Then we went shopping and had lunch with my parents at Checkers. Now, I'm supposed to be working, but I thought I'd take a break before work. Hard life, I know! I'm just so full, my diet has been completely sabotaged! And it's taking all I have to not just curl up and take a nap. This is the downfalls of having a home office. There are times when it is just too hard to get serious!
Anyway, I'm going to sign off and go put my head back in the sand.... Oh yeah, and work!
God bless!
As for those of you reading this that know me, I am not going to mention this outside of my blog. I'm a little bit embarassed. On Saturday I was just totally convicted, and knew I needed to write it out to keep the plan in motion. But unlike other blogs I've had where I've been able to spill my guts, this one is more revealing for the above reasons. So I spilled my guts here in my regular "in your face" fashion, but didn't think of how I'd feel when people I'm still getting to know would read about my most private life dealings. So my face is a little red right now. At this moment I wish I were faceless again!
Anyway, today is Valentine's Day. And I do love this Hallmark holiday. I've been pretty good natured about the fact that I don't have a romantic valentine (though it still kind of sucks!). The new guy "just isn't interested". He never said so, but I've read the book.... That's ok, it gives me the perfect chance to hold off on any kind of relationship and finally be at the point where I am ok with being single. I finally realize that everything I've been told about enjoying being single, and focusing on myself right now is true. I'm just not in as big of a hurry to move on as I was before, as my needs have changed. Before it was like I was in competion with my ex, now I could care less. I'm actually better off than his current situation, anyways!
But as far as valentines, I do have my kids! I got them some little treats and made them each a valentine card. I bought myself some daffodils from Trader Joes, and they just opened up completely today. Nothing can bring some sunshine to your morning like a bunch of big yellow blossoms! Summer has the day off school today, so we hung out at Aroma's this morning and totally pigged out! I had their famous breakfast burrito, she had a massive blueberry muffin. And of course our hot drinks. Then we went shopping and had lunch with my parents at Checkers. Now, I'm supposed to be working, but I thought I'd take a break before work. Hard life, I know! I'm just so full, my diet has been completely sabotaged! And it's taking all I have to not just curl up and take a nap. This is the downfalls of having a home office. There are times when it is just too hard to get serious!
Anyway, I'm going to sign off and go put my head back in the sand.... Oh yeah, and work!
God bless!
Sunday, February 13, 2005
To my dear Uncle Enore
Uncle Enore said...
Crissi, Crissi, Crissi...First, let me say that I am now and have always been an atheist. From a catholic family, I was placed in a catholic boarding school early on...and never believe any of the religious stuff...never...so you and I don't come from the same place. (Although, I spent several years living in Santa Rosa...out on Barham, then on Mendocino Avenue...ah, the good ole days...)Having said that, you need to explain abstainance a little better for ME. I don't get it. I don't see what is to be gained by abstaining from sex at all...except denying yourself enjoyment. To me sex has always been, and continues to be, an extremely powerful motivator, a way to connect, a path to enjoyment and relaxation, very exciting and satisfying, and often, though not always, an end in itself. I realize that trying to explain a spiritual and/or religious descision to an atheist who comes at life with a totally different perspective may be difficult. Give it a try.
3:53 AM
Uncle Enore, I am flattered that you came to my blog and were interested enough to read through several entries and comment. Truly, I am! And I am not one to leave a challenge alone, so here I am, responding to you. But first, I must point out, if you are reading my blog and commenting at 4 AM, well you aren't getting any either. Touch'e....
Seriously, though, this does deserve a response, and I will do so in blog entry form, because I need it as much as you do. The explanation, that is.... I am not going to sit here and try and convert you from being an athiest, though I do question how you live each day without a direction or a purpose to all of this, and what happens to you when you die. And I wonder how you explain how we all got here in the first place. I assume you believe in the big bang theory. How fascinating that it all took place with nothing creating it.
Ok, I'll stop being a smartazz. I'll start my explanation the non-religious way, and explain things from my view of things, as a woman. Imagine a girl, if you will. She is different from boys, obviously. But not just on the outside. There is this little defect inside of her that causes her to become attached really easily. This defect does have its good purposes, like in mothering. Even when that little baby is yelling its head off all night long, and that mother is worn out to the point of looniness, she still loves that baby. But that defect can also cause that girl harm. It can cause her to become attached to a man even when he isn't necessarily attached to her. When two people perform the most intimate of physical acts, that girl's heart becomes involved. Unfortunately, when this act is performed in the most casualist of manners, the man is immune to this defect, and has the ability to move on. The girl, on the other hand, has the tendency to stop living life as she knew it, and spend the rest of the week waiting by the phone. During this time, she will make up excuse after excuse for this man, all the while with stars in her eyes. When it finally becomes apparent he isn't going to call, that's when the defect breaks this poor girl's heart.
This is just one scenario, though a common one. The thing is, sex is a form of making love. It is the closest you can get to another human being. It is so intimate, that it doesn't even make sense to be shared with a stranger, or with someone whom you just don't care enough for to risk everything for. When you choose to perform this loving act so casually, you are making a mockery of it. If you've already given this gift to so many others undeserving of it, what will you give to that special person who deserves so much more?
Ok, onto the religious aspect of it. I do not believe I will go to hell for having sex outside of marriage. With the experiences I've had, my own personal decision is to never have casual sex again. But I really do feel the Lord pressing into me, telling me to take it one step further. And as a child of God, I want to obey. I'm not saying this is the easiest decision I've ever made. Even right now, without the temptation, I am personally regretting it. I know there will be a time when this decision will feel like a curse to me, but it is really a blessing. As I said in the earlier post, this decision will help me weed out those not worthy of being a part of my life. If someone cannot respect my decision, this will show the kind of mate they will be for me. I've had enough of bad relationships, I'm now ready for my forever kind of love. Well, maybe after a bit more healing!
And not only that, I really did feel like it was creating a wall between me and God. I'm still healing from a broken marriage, and instead of reaching out to God, I was using sex as an artificial healer. I am hoping that this decision will stop all the barricades I have put up, so that there is nothing in my way of being a disciple of God. I feel like this is my last big thing that stood in my way.
I can only touch on the reasoning, as I am still sorting it all out for myself, but so far, this is reason enough. Does this answer anything for you? I do hope you'll come visit here again and again. I really am flattered that though we have completely different views on life, you were still interested enough in mine to stick around for a couple of posts. Oh, and sorry to hear you left the area. I love it here!
Crissi, Crissi, Crissi...First, let me say that I am now and have always been an atheist. From a catholic family, I was placed in a catholic boarding school early on...and never believe any of the religious stuff...never...so you and I don't come from the same place. (Although, I spent several years living in Santa Rosa...out on Barham, then on Mendocino Avenue...ah, the good ole days...)Having said that, you need to explain abstainance a little better for ME. I don't get it. I don't see what is to be gained by abstaining from sex at all...except denying yourself enjoyment. To me sex has always been, and continues to be, an extremely powerful motivator, a way to connect, a path to enjoyment and relaxation, very exciting and satisfying, and often, though not always, an end in itself. I realize that trying to explain a spiritual and/or religious descision to an atheist who comes at life with a totally different perspective may be difficult. Give it a try.
3:53 AM
Uncle Enore, I am flattered that you came to my blog and were interested enough to read through several entries and comment. Truly, I am! And I am not one to leave a challenge alone, so here I am, responding to you. But first, I must point out, if you are reading my blog and commenting at 4 AM, well you aren't getting any either. Touch'e....
Seriously, though, this does deserve a response, and I will do so in blog entry form, because I need it as much as you do. The explanation, that is.... I am not going to sit here and try and convert you from being an athiest, though I do question how you live each day without a direction or a purpose to all of this, and what happens to you when you die. And I wonder how you explain how we all got here in the first place. I assume you believe in the big bang theory. How fascinating that it all took place with nothing creating it.
Ok, I'll stop being a smartazz. I'll start my explanation the non-religious way, and explain things from my view of things, as a woman. Imagine a girl, if you will. She is different from boys, obviously. But not just on the outside. There is this little defect inside of her that causes her to become attached really easily. This defect does have its good purposes, like in mothering. Even when that little baby is yelling its head off all night long, and that mother is worn out to the point of looniness, she still loves that baby. But that defect can also cause that girl harm. It can cause her to become attached to a man even when he isn't necessarily attached to her. When two people perform the most intimate of physical acts, that girl's heart becomes involved. Unfortunately, when this act is performed in the most casualist of manners, the man is immune to this defect, and has the ability to move on. The girl, on the other hand, has the tendency to stop living life as she knew it, and spend the rest of the week waiting by the phone. During this time, she will make up excuse after excuse for this man, all the while with stars in her eyes. When it finally becomes apparent he isn't going to call, that's when the defect breaks this poor girl's heart.
This is just one scenario, though a common one. The thing is, sex is a form of making love. It is the closest you can get to another human being. It is so intimate, that it doesn't even make sense to be shared with a stranger, or with someone whom you just don't care enough for to risk everything for. When you choose to perform this loving act so casually, you are making a mockery of it. If you've already given this gift to so many others undeserving of it, what will you give to that special person who deserves so much more?
Ok, onto the religious aspect of it. I do not believe I will go to hell for having sex outside of marriage. With the experiences I've had, my own personal decision is to never have casual sex again. But I really do feel the Lord pressing into me, telling me to take it one step further. And as a child of God, I want to obey. I'm not saying this is the easiest decision I've ever made. Even right now, without the temptation, I am personally regretting it. I know there will be a time when this decision will feel like a curse to me, but it is really a blessing. As I said in the earlier post, this decision will help me weed out those not worthy of being a part of my life. If someone cannot respect my decision, this will show the kind of mate they will be for me. I've had enough of bad relationships, I'm now ready for my forever kind of love. Well, maybe after a bit more healing!
And not only that, I really did feel like it was creating a wall between me and God. I'm still healing from a broken marriage, and instead of reaching out to God, I was using sex as an artificial healer. I am hoping that this decision will stop all the barricades I have put up, so that there is nothing in my way of being a disciple of God. I feel like this is my last big thing that stood in my way.
I can only touch on the reasoning, as I am still sorting it all out for myself, but so far, this is reason enough. Does this answer anything for you? I do hope you'll come visit here again and again. I really am flattered that though we have completely different views on life, you were still interested enough in mine to stick around for a couple of posts. Oh, and sorry to hear you left the area. I love it here!
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder
This week the Lord has been putting something in my heart that I can deny no longer. I am about to reveal more of myself than I am comfortable with, but I need to for accountability's sake.
I'll start at the beginning. I have never had a relationship that wasn't based on sex or hormones. This whole week things have happened that have left me in serious thought. Last night is when it hit me the hardest. I drove home from Tribe and just sat in my car for 20 minutes, thinking. And I woke up with it on my brain again. And this is the conclusion I came to.... I have always used sex to feel close to someone. I have never had a relationship where I have abstained and really gotten to know that person before I shared that part of me. In doing so, I have crossed the lines of sex and love, and confused sex as love. I've really never known what it's like to fall in love with a person in the healthy sense.
When my ex moved on with another girl, I was so hurt. It really hadn't occurred to me to move on yet, as I did know I wasn't ready. But suddenly I skyrocketed into the world of dating just to feel loved again. Here's my confession. I fell into this sexual relationship with someone who I never got to know, and used that as my way to get over things. I even asked God to look the other way as I did this. I wasn't willing to give up the sin for Him, and instead only thought of myself. I excused this behavior by telling myself it was working, it was getting me beyond my ex. And when I did feel that I was over my ex, I credited my new relationship in getting me there.
But the thing is, it doesn't work that neatly. I still harbored those hurt feelings over the past. When things were new and fresh in the relationship it was easy to not think about my ex and his moving on. But as things quickly went stale, and I realized that this person did not care for me the way I longed to be cared for, those hurt feelings arose again and again. And I also realized how ridiculous the whole thing was, and each time we met it felt more and more awkward.
Fast forward. This week the Lord has placed some serious seeds in my path to bring me to today. Last Saturday I went on my first date with a guy I've been talking to who has very clear boundaries regarding intimacy. And I quickly came to the conclusion that I was not taking his morals seriously, even though I really like him. And I also feel that the Lord has placed him in my present path as an example to start with, and to stop focusing on dating (as I'm obviously still not ready) and focus more on friendships. I also came across an article on teen abstinence. In the article, I so admired the teens for this decision because they were in charge of themselves and so on top. They chose not to conform to this world, and used each other as their support. and then last night one of the girls was talking about her own relationship, and she mentioned her abstinence so casually as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it suddenly occurred to me at that very moment...I do not need sex to be accepted.
I have already realized that I need to replace the value sex has. I should not be having sex with someone unless we share true feelings for one another and really know each other. Last night the Lord let me know this wasn't enough....
What? No, I can't do that. That's too hard.
I am to wait until marriage before I share so much of myself again.
The reason this is such a scary decision for me is because I worry about how it will affect my love life. Most guys out there don't view abstinence as an option for them. I know that this decision will leave me with a lot of heartache. But the Lord has also shown me that this is also a way to weed out those guys that aren't supposed to be in my life, and I won't have sex blinding my decision. I also worry about, what if I never get married again? This is a hard one. But I need to really think about my priority list, and where sex lies on it. So what if I never have sex? I will be closer to God, having rid myself of that one thing that has always been in my way.
And this is also my chance to reclaim myself. I looked up to those teens in that article because they were only themselves. And they weren't ashamed. They depended only on themselves for their happiness. And they answered to no one. I can be that. And it feels liberating to even be at this crossroads and steering towards the Lord's direction.
After saying all of that, it's hard to know how to close this without apologizing for revealing so much about myself. But I don't apologize. By being honest about my weaknesses, I am making it harder for me to fall back on that path. I am only clearing the way for the path I need to be on. I am revealing all of this to be held accountable for how I play out this chapter in my life.
*Lord, I surrender. I give up the biggest thing that has been holding me back from you. I pray that this offering remains true, and is acceptable to You. I pray that this brings me to the place I need to be at to be closer to You.
Amen
I'll start at the beginning. I have never had a relationship that wasn't based on sex or hormones. This whole week things have happened that have left me in serious thought. Last night is when it hit me the hardest. I drove home from Tribe and just sat in my car for 20 minutes, thinking. And I woke up with it on my brain again. And this is the conclusion I came to.... I have always used sex to feel close to someone. I have never had a relationship where I have abstained and really gotten to know that person before I shared that part of me. In doing so, I have crossed the lines of sex and love, and confused sex as love. I've really never known what it's like to fall in love with a person in the healthy sense.
When my ex moved on with another girl, I was so hurt. It really hadn't occurred to me to move on yet, as I did know I wasn't ready. But suddenly I skyrocketed into the world of dating just to feel loved again. Here's my confession. I fell into this sexual relationship with someone who I never got to know, and used that as my way to get over things. I even asked God to look the other way as I did this. I wasn't willing to give up the sin for Him, and instead only thought of myself. I excused this behavior by telling myself it was working, it was getting me beyond my ex. And when I did feel that I was over my ex, I credited my new relationship in getting me there.
But the thing is, it doesn't work that neatly. I still harbored those hurt feelings over the past. When things were new and fresh in the relationship it was easy to not think about my ex and his moving on. But as things quickly went stale, and I realized that this person did not care for me the way I longed to be cared for, those hurt feelings arose again and again. And I also realized how ridiculous the whole thing was, and each time we met it felt more and more awkward.
Fast forward. This week the Lord has placed some serious seeds in my path to bring me to today. Last Saturday I went on my first date with a guy I've been talking to who has very clear boundaries regarding intimacy. And I quickly came to the conclusion that I was not taking his morals seriously, even though I really like him. And I also feel that the Lord has placed him in my present path as an example to start with, and to stop focusing on dating (as I'm obviously still not ready) and focus more on friendships. I also came across an article on teen abstinence. In the article, I so admired the teens for this decision because they were in charge of themselves and so on top. They chose not to conform to this world, and used each other as their support. and then last night one of the girls was talking about her own relationship, and she mentioned her abstinence so casually as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it suddenly occurred to me at that very moment...I do not need sex to be accepted.
I have already realized that I need to replace the value sex has. I should not be having sex with someone unless we share true feelings for one another and really know each other. Last night the Lord let me know this wasn't enough....
What? No, I can't do that. That's too hard.
I am to wait until marriage before I share so much of myself again.
The reason this is such a scary decision for me is because I worry about how it will affect my love life. Most guys out there don't view abstinence as an option for them. I know that this decision will leave me with a lot of heartache. But the Lord has also shown me that this is also a way to weed out those guys that aren't supposed to be in my life, and I won't have sex blinding my decision. I also worry about, what if I never get married again? This is a hard one. But I need to really think about my priority list, and where sex lies on it. So what if I never have sex? I will be closer to God, having rid myself of that one thing that has always been in my way.
And this is also my chance to reclaim myself. I looked up to those teens in that article because they were only themselves. And they weren't ashamed. They depended only on themselves for their happiness. And they answered to no one. I can be that. And it feels liberating to even be at this crossroads and steering towards the Lord's direction.
After saying all of that, it's hard to know how to close this without apologizing for revealing so much about myself. But I don't apologize. By being honest about my weaknesses, I am making it harder for me to fall back on that path. I am only clearing the way for the path I need to be on. I am revealing all of this to be held accountable for how I play out this chapter in my life.
*Lord, I surrender. I give up the biggest thing that has been holding me back from you. I pray that this offering remains true, and is acceptable to You. I pray that this brings me to the place I need to be at to be closer to You.
Amen
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Found in my email.....
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as
if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak...
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage.
On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?"
"Just some old birds," came the reply.
"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting
them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.
"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill
each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much?" He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!"
Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the
pulpit.
if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak...
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage.
On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?"
"Just some old birds," came the reply.
"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting
them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.
"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill
each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much?" He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!"
Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the
pulpit.
Summer's earache
Summer has an earache today. Last night she was crying abd was in a lot of pain. So I gave her some tylenol and took a blow dryer to her ear. It's a home remedy my mom told me about that is supposed to dry out her ear and lessen the pain. It did temporarily, but then she was in pain again. I put some cotton in her ear and put her back to bed, and by the time my shower was done and I got back to the room, she was almost asleep and feeling better.
This morning she woke up with a little pain, and her ear was all gross from it draining. Apparently the cotton fell out during the night. The truth is, she probably could have gone to school, but I allowed her this time to stay home with me, with the understanding that she would be accompanying me throughout the day while I worked. Luckily, I have a job that allows me to do this. So Summer and I ahve been spending the day together.
It'sbeen kind of nice. I had a little companion with me while I took pictures in Rohnert Park, even if she was cranky and complained the whole time. I treated her to some Jack in the Box (yes, I refrained!), and now we're back home until I need to go back out to work. She's, of course, taking advantage of her first sick day of the school year, and catching up on the TV she's been missing. Oh well, what are sick days for? And I secretly love the fact that she gets to spend the day with me, since our time together seems so limited nowadays.
Prayers are definitely appreciated for her ear! Strep throat is going around her school, and I really hope this isn't the beginning of that! And I know this earache has to be uncomfortable. I was unfortunately plagued with them in my childhood, and I think it had an effect on my hearing as a result. It doesn't seem to be that my kids have this same problem, but each time an earache arises, I get a little worried.
*Dear Lord, please place your healing hands on Summer's ears and heal her. Take away the pain and discomfort so that she can run around and play like every other 7 year old.
Amen
This morning she woke up with a little pain, and her ear was all gross from it draining. Apparently the cotton fell out during the night. The truth is, she probably could have gone to school, but I allowed her this time to stay home with me, with the understanding that she would be accompanying me throughout the day while I worked. Luckily, I have a job that allows me to do this. So Summer and I ahve been spending the day together.
It'sbeen kind of nice. I had a little companion with me while I took pictures in Rohnert Park, even if she was cranky and complained the whole time. I treated her to some Jack in the Box (yes, I refrained!), and now we're back home until I need to go back out to work. She's, of course, taking advantage of her first sick day of the school year, and catching up on the TV she's been missing. Oh well, what are sick days for? And I secretly love the fact that she gets to spend the day with me, since our time together seems so limited nowadays.
Prayers are definitely appreciated for her ear! Strep throat is going around her school, and I really hope this isn't the beginning of that! And I know this earache has to be uncomfortable. I was unfortunately plagued with them in my childhood, and I think it had an effect on my hearing as a result. It doesn't seem to be that my kids have this same problem, but each time an earache arises, I get a little worried.
*Dear Lord, please place your healing hands on Summer's ears and heal her. Take away the pain and discomfort so that she can run around and play like every other 7 year old.
Amen
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Lent fasting
I read Liz' blog, and it reminded me that I need to post about my fast for Lent so that I can receive support and be held accountable. When I first started thinking about what to fast from, the very first thought came to cutting meat out of my diet. I humored the thought, but figured it was too hard. Yeah, that was the child in me talking. But that fast kept coming back to me, and I realized that was what the Lord wanted me to give up for Him. I am still allowing myself seafood and eggs, but I am fasting from all land animal meat. And this will be a hard one. It will take a conscious effort, as well as a lot of prayer, to keep from forgetting about my fast. This fast includes chicken broth, so no more soups or rice cooked in that.
I also am going to do my best to really watch myself in the next 40 days in my everyday sins. I want to be more conscious of my actions, and whether they glorify the Lord or not. I am using the next 40 days as a stepping stone to making it a habit in my life to be more about Him and less about me.
*This is my sacrifice to You, Lord. It is not very much, and you are worth so much more. But I lay this sacrifice at your feet and pray that it is acceptable to You. In these 40 days, I will give it all my effort to make this sacrifice pleasing and my efforts worthy of You. I cannot do this without You, as I am aware of how much this will take of me. I pray for the stamina and the courage to follow through and be successful in sacrificing land meat and my sins for You.
In Your Heavenly Name,
Amen
I also am going to do my best to really watch myself in the next 40 days in my everyday sins. I want to be more conscious of my actions, and whether they glorify the Lord or not. I am using the next 40 days as a stepping stone to making it a habit in my life to be more about Him and less about me.
*This is my sacrifice to You, Lord. It is not very much, and you are worth so much more. But I lay this sacrifice at your feet and pray that it is acceptable to You. In these 40 days, I will give it all my effort to make this sacrifice pleasing and my efforts worthy of You. I cannot do this without You, as I am aware of how much this will take of me. I pray for the stamina and the courage to follow through and be successful in sacrificing land meat and my sins for You.
In Your Heavenly Name,
Amen
Monday, February 07, 2005
I do not suffer
I haven't been wanting to write because I find myself using these pages to feel sorry for myself. I've realized that while stuff is happening to me, the biggest turmoil lies inside of me and how I choose to process things. I am focusing on all this negative, and temporarily forgetting the positive. The truth is, I have so much good stuff happening in my life right now, and I am ignoring my blessings by dedicating all my time and energy to the negative.
Not only that, if I were to stop focusing so much on myself, I would see that my problems are few compared to those of others. I have not truly suffered, as others have. I am blessed with so much!
Yes, our problems are our own, and that's what makes them hard for us. But what if I changed the way I viewed things? What if I stopped dwelling and just went back to focusing on the positives in life. How would that affect my outlook, and how I dealt when these problems arose again? Would I be closer to God without all this stuff just weighing me down? Well, I plan to find out! Maybe it's time I started unloading my backpack too, huh Gina?
*Lord, you have given me so much, and I have opened my eyes to your blessings. Thank you for this life and all it holds. Thank you for not putting me through a life that holds much suffering. Thank you for the love and promise that surrounds me. Help me to see all this even when times are harder than they are now. I want to be your child, and always thankful for what I have.
Amen
Not only that, if I were to stop focusing so much on myself, I would see that my problems are few compared to those of others. I have not truly suffered, as others have. I am blessed with so much!
Yes, our problems are our own, and that's what makes them hard for us. But what if I changed the way I viewed things? What if I stopped dwelling and just went back to focusing on the positives in life. How would that affect my outlook, and how I dealt when these problems arose again? Would I be closer to God without all this stuff just weighing me down? Well, I plan to find out! Maybe it's time I started unloading my backpack too, huh Gina?
*Lord, you have given me so much, and I have opened my eyes to your blessings. Thank you for this life and all it holds. Thank you for not putting me through a life that holds much suffering. Thank you for the love and promise that surrounds me. Help me to see all this even when times are harder than they are now. I want to be your child, and always thankful for what I have.
Amen
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Nerves
I'm really nervous today. Today is the kid handoff. I don't understand why I'm nervous. I really don't think my ex would physically do anything. But my counselor says the likliest reason for my anxiety is that his anger brings up feelings and flashbacks of the past. In that aspect, I am still his prisoner.
Today is also the kids' party. Is it weird that I am nervous about that? LOL! I have everything almost all set up.... It's that last minute thing, you know?
Last night was really powerful. I appreciate all the prayers over me. I need it. And I am also praying. I am hoping that in a year or less, this will all be a distant memory, and I will be well on my way in my life and path. Thank you for all of your powerful prayers!
*Lord, you are showing your power every day. You have brought me out of my shell andinto the lives of wonderful people. And you have brought them into mine. I praise you, and am at your mercy. Please protect my heart as I meet with my ex tonight, and protect my children as they are away from me. I know that they are not in danger, but while they are not in my care, I ask that your angels stand guard against anything that could harm their bodies, souls, and minds.
Please help me in my struggles to come. Help me to know this is the right choice I am making.
And please bless the kids' birthday party they are having today. Help me to make it a fun time for everyone.
Amen
Today is also the kids' party. Is it weird that I am nervous about that? LOL! I have everything almost all set up.... It's that last minute thing, you know?
Last night was really powerful. I appreciate all the prayers over me. I need it. And I am also praying. I am hoping that in a year or less, this will all be a distant memory, and I will be well on my way in my life and path. Thank you for all of your powerful prayers!
*Lord, you are showing your power every day. You have brought me out of my shell andinto the lives of wonderful people. And you have brought them into mine. I praise you, and am at your mercy. Please protect my heart as I meet with my ex tonight, and protect my children as they are away from me. I know that they are not in danger, but while they are not in my care, I ask that your angels stand guard against anything that could harm their bodies, souls, and minds.
Please help me in my struggles to come. Help me to know this is the right choice I am making.
And please bless the kids' birthday party they are having today. Help me to make it a fun time for everyone.
Amen
Friday, February 04, 2005
A sort of explanation
Obviously this has been a really hard week for me. I've been stressed out about some actions I need to take, and worried about how everything will work. But I've been vague here because I am also afraid of my blog being found. That's why I took my last name off of my profile. I performed a search of my name through Yahoo, and my blog popped up on the very first page. Now it doesn't. But I wouldn't hold it past my ex to have already found this page and be keeping tabs on me.
This week has been awful. Finding out about his new family has been really upsetting. He hasn't even known this girl for a whole year, and they are starting their family. I am upset for this girl, who is only 20 yearls old and doesn't realize how much she is throwing her life away. I am upset for my kids and our family of the past, who are now being replaced. I am upset because my ex has created this whole new life for himself, further proving that I really didn't mean as much to him as I thought when we were together.
But at the same time, I have been getting through this by first of all, giving it to the Lord. When I feel it eating at me, I push the upset feelings aside, and look at all that my life is holding for me, all the positive. I have been reminding myself that this baby is not my problem, and they are going to have a lot of hardship in store for them because of their decision to start a family when they are not prepared. Any revenge I wish I could bestow on him is already starting. Yes, that is unchristian of me, but thinking that helps me get through my resentment. Eventually I will get the praying for my enemies thing down pat. I have no problem praying for her, but it's my ex that I struggle with.
I'm also stressed out about last Sunday when he was so scary to my mom and me, and when he tried to keep my son. He didn't even care that Lucas was scared. The look on Lucas' face just killed me. I cannot let this keep happening, and it seems that every week he gets worse. I am petrified of him. He is completely unpredictable, and I am scared of what he is capable of. And I am very limited on what actions I can take because it's been since April since he physically assaulted me. That's all I can say on that issue here. I'll be at Tribe tonight.
I am really trying to keep moving forward, to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This has been the worst ordeal of my life. I've never felt so stressed out and worn thin. I have been having trouble eating, which has been wonderful for my diet and weight loss :0), but not really for my health and strength. And sleep has been really hard too. I feel like a zombie during the day because of all of this. And at times I feel like this life is not my own, not in the Christian sense, but like I am living for everyone else and not me. This is not how I want my life to be right now. I am hoping that all this stress pays off and my life proves to be fulfilling and successful. Right now it feels like I am in this constant tornado, like I am just hanging on by a thread. Money is tight, time is tight, and I am dealing with so much stress it's hard to know what to tackle first. But I also feel like I am almost reaching it, as if my fingertips are just grazing the place where I am headed. I still believe there is a purpose to all of this. The Lord would not be heaping all this turmoil on me for nothing. There is a light to this tunnel. Yes, amidst all this panic, stress, and trying times, there is still hope....
*Lord, You have spoken and shown me You have other plans for my direction. It's hard to swallow, but I still trust in You. I know You are only keeping me safe and making sure that all I do is the most beneficial for my kids and for my path. But sometimes I feel like I am blindly following, and that can be scary. As a human, I like to see where I am going, where I'm going to end up.
I am scared. And I'm angry. I have all these pent up feelings in me, and it's hard to even know how to handle them. Please protect me Lord, and allow me the strength to fully get past all this so that my ex is no longer a concern of mine. Help me to further see how much my life is going to be wonderful, and already is.
Amen
This week has been awful. Finding out about his new family has been really upsetting. He hasn't even known this girl for a whole year, and they are starting their family. I am upset for this girl, who is only 20 yearls old and doesn't realize how much she is throwing her life away. I am upset for my kids and our family of the past, who are now being replaced. I am upset because my ex has created this whole new life for himself, further proving that I really didn't mean as much to him as I thought when we were together.
But at the same time, I have been getting through this by first of all, giving it to the Lord. When I feel it eating at me, I push the upset feelings aside, and look at all that my life is holding for me, all the positive. I have been reminding myself that this baby is not my problem, and they are going to have a lot of hardship in store for them because of their decision to start a family when they are not prepared. Any revenge I wish I could bestow on him is already starting. Yes, that is unchristian of me, but thinking that helps me get through my resentment. Eventually I will get the praying for my enemies thing down pat. I have no problem praying for her, but it's my ex that I struggle with.
I'm also stressed out about last Sunday when he was so scary to my mom and me, and when he tried to keep my son. He didn't even care that Lucas was scared. The look on Lucas' face just killed me. I cannot let this keep happening, and it seems that every week he gets worse. I am petrified of him. He is completely unpredictable, and I am scared of what he is capable of. And I am very limited on what actions I can take because it's been since April since he physically assaulted me. That's all I can say on that issue here. I'll be at Tribe tonight.
I am really trying to keep moving forward, to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This has been the worst ordeal of my life. I've never felt so stressed out and worn thin. I have been having trouble eating, which has been wonderful for my diet and weight loss :0), but not really for my health and strength. And sleep has been really hard too. I feel like a zombie during the day because of all of this. And at times I feel like this life is not my own, not in the Christian sense, but like I am living for everyone else and not me. This is not how I want my life to be right now. I am hoping that all this stress pays off and my life proves to be fulfilling and successful. Right now it feels like I am in this constant tornado, like I am just hanging on by a thread. Money is tight, time is tight, and I am dealing with so much stress it's hard to know what to tackle first. But I also feel like I am almost reaching it, as if my fingertips are just grazing the place where I am headed. I still believe there is a purpose to all of this. The Lord would not be heaping all this turmoil on me for nothing. There is a light to this tunnel. Yes, amidst all this panic, stress, and trying times, there is still hope....
*Lord, You have spoken and shown me You have other plans for my direction. It's hard to swallow, but I still trust in You. I know You are only keeping me safe and making sure that all I do is the most beneficial for my kids and for my path. But sometimes I feel like I am blindly following, and that can be scary. As a human, I like to see where I am going, where I'm going to end up.
I am scared. And I'm angry. I have all these pent up feelings in me, and it's hard to even know how to handle them. Please protect me Lord, and allow me the strength to fully get past all this so that my ex is no longer a concern of mine. Help me to further see how much my life is going to be wonderful, and already is.
Amen
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Prayer 2
I'm afraid to write. I feel like maybe I'm crazy. There's something that needs to be done, and I wish I didn't have to be so vague. I'm scared, confused, and torn to peices right now. I hate making decisions! It's never been my strong point. I'm scared of the decision I have to make, I'm scared of the outcome, I'm scared that I may make the wrong decision. This is a big one.
*Please guide me Lord. I don't think I've ever needed you more in my life than I need you right now. I am in a desperate place and need your guidance. I'm afraid.
Amen
*Please guide me Lord. I don't think I've ever needed you more in my life than I need you right now. I am in a desperate place and need your guidance. I'm afraid.
Amen
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