A Child In Faith

Ok, so I am posting the same day, but I need to start this off right. The next couple of posts, I am going to be reliving some of my past, as it's what got me here today. But today I will start with...today, where I'm at now.

I just got done reading one of my pastor's entries, and it inspired where I need to begin. My difficult journey right now. You see I am almost completely divorced, and find myself single for the first time in 10 years. It's a pretty scary place to be. And not just entering the dating world, though that's scary as it is. It's just the large amount of freedom that goes with it. My marriage and before has had many extreme ups and downs, but the past 2 years of it were imprisoning. I don't think anyone ever realized what was going on, not even me. I was married to a man that I am finding out I didn't even know. And realizing all this is setting me in this tailspin of emotions. There are times when I feel physically ill at all the things I was naive to, by choice or not. And not only that, it is like I am still under his control at times.

But I'll get into all that in later posts. My main focus for this entry is my path. And that goes hand in hand with my freedom. After years of being pushed down, mentally and physically, it is liberating to be able to make my own choices, do what I want, and be who I want to be. But what if I don't know who I am yet? Then it's scary. And there are so many times I have made the poorest of decisions for my life in these past 9 months. It's like being a child in an adult world. The rules are different, the games are different, and I feel judged by everyone. And I try to jump ahead in this school of life by seeming self-confident and whatnot, only to come away even more confused. I'm relearning how to accept friends, and be a friend, after so many years of pushing people away because I had to. It's scary to trust again, because I lost a lot of trust through my ex, and through his phobias of people when we were married. And the hardest thing is not relying on him for comfort anymore, because when I do, I end up getting hurt all over again. I'm relearning how to depend on my family for these things, and eventually I hope to develop close enough relationships with friends to confide in them too.

The truth is, I'm lost. I'm desperately lost. Outwardly, I really try hard to do what I need to do to get by. I feel like I have become a much better mom to my kids, and they are benefiting so much from it. But my personal life is still barely an example I can let them live by. That's the part I am trying to change now, allowing outward things control my happiness and direction. It's so hard to even know where to start, when there are so many things to work on. I feel like I am confusing myself even more at times. I look at people I admire, and they seem to have it all together, and are so happy. And I feel like a fake. I keep all this inside, and now, for the first time outside of my counselor's office, I am revealing it all little by little. I know, and hope, that people I know will read this and therefore hold me accountable to the life I want to lead.

So anyways, this is the new start to my journey, the day I take it a step at a time, and work on things one at a time. It's the time where my insides and outsides will start to match and I become the witness I am capable of being. This is why I chose the name "Child In Faith", because I am starting over as a child in my walk with the Lord. But first I must deal with my past hurts, get them out in the open, and finally let them go. Then I can truly live.