Confused single girl, that is!
Today I attended a pretty inspirational seminar for ministry leadership. It was powerful for me for many reasons, but mostly because I have been on what's called the "decline" in my faith. I was feeling burnt out, and angry that now that I am "free", I still am being so-called "held back" in my living because I am a Christian. I knew I was supposed to be one person, and I felt pulled to be another, and the tug of war resulted in me turning away from being a Christian in my actions. I justified this by telling myself and God that this was only temporary. I was trying on hats and seeing how they fit. And while it felt freeing to do anything I wanted, I still felt miserable and lost.
I stopped going to church and any religious activities during this "vacation". To attend these things would have multiplied the guilt tenfold. I felt like a hypocrite at church, and stopped feeling the passion. And you know what happened during this time? I changed. I became pessimistic. My mouth became dirty. I had an angry demeanor. I wasn't as polite as I used to be. Everything looked a little more bleak. A lot of this I didn't even notice until my mom pointed it out to me this morning. Even though my family does not attend church with me, she was pleased to know I was going to this seminar today because of how negative I've been lately.
Being there was inspiring. We read the story about David and Goliath, but focused on the characteristics of Saul and David. And we were to look for things about us we saw. I saw negatives about me. Many negatives. I am not patient in the Lord's time, constantly wanting to do things in my time. This is in relationships I've had, and in my life direction in general. My impatience results in me being knocked back down and having to start all over again, sometimes creating even more work for myself than I began with. I am focusing on the wrong priorities. I have been obeying the world instead of the Lord. A big red flag was on what my reactive response is. I have NONE. I think I've become too callous and unfeeling. Sometimes I have even felt like emotions aren't real, or even attention seeking. What?!? How many times have I been stroked by some caring friend in my time of need? I cannot recall too many times recently that I have done the same for someone else. This was a hard *gulp* on my part, and made me feel pretty ashamed.
One thing that I really received an epiphany on was how I even got to be there at that seminar today. Someone had taken notice of my absences and called me yesterday. And even though I informed this person that I wasn't going, she made it eventually impossible to not go by curing all the reasons that might have prevented my presence. I finally promised her I would go. This morning, I dreaded my decision, and even came a little late. But once everything started, I felt that I was in the right place.
My epiphany is, there are many people besides me who are struggling with their walk. The very first sign is neglecting their church and/or homegroup life. Have I noticed anyone at my own church or homegroups suddenly not going? Sure I have. Have I ever just called that person when I noticed their absence? No. I have not. There are some people out there that have turned away from the church in their confusing walk, saw that nobody even cared, and just kept on walking away towards a life without God. And I had the power to change that. We all do. And it's as simple as a phone call and a "hey, I missed you the other day. How's it going?" And then LISTENING to them.
Our walk with Christ is only as meaningful as what we put into it. It is not an easy ride. It is not even comfortable sometimes. But sometimes when we leap way out of our comfort zone, it's when we feel the most rewards. I am climbing out of my decline, and sweeping my path. But this shake-up was just what I needed, to feel something horrible that I can take with me and create something positive out of. Now I am truly free.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Monday, July 11, 2005
Am I normal?
I'm having this moment in my life where I am wondering what I'm doing. Am I on the right path? Do I really have the answers? Is this it? I am constantly worried about if I'm good enough, and see myself as a failure in God's eyes because I refuse to be faithful enough. And then I feel angry because this is the time I finally get to be me, to be free and live life to the fullest. And then it's almost like Christianity stands in my way. And part of me is pumping her fist in the air, saying "right on girl, life is supposed to be lived," and the other part is scared to even feel that way. And I want it all. I want to love Jesus. I want Jesus to love me. And I want to enjoy life. And I don't want to feel guilty about it. And I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way, that the life chosen for him was too much of a burden for him, and it would be so much easier to just melt into the world and be "normal".
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Gone for a week
Not that I've been writing here much anymore, but I just wanted to give a heads up that I will be gone for the next week. And then for many weekends after that. This is my busiest month! Tomorrow I leave for summer camp with my daughter. It's the same camp I went to when I was a kid, out in Angwin, CA. Now she's going, and I'm so old I get to be an adult chaperone. Yes, there are people naive enough to trust me with their children. MUWHAHAHA! Besides not being fully packed up, I am ready to go, and I'll be gone until Friday. I'm not fully looking forward to sleeping on those hard planks, but it's still a fun way to spend a week. For us grown-ups, it's wonderful to hang out and gossip after the kids are in bed.
Lucas is staying home with his dad, and then with my dad, and while I'll miss him, I will be able to catch up on my sanity. Poor kid has been really testing his limits these last two weeks. My absence this next week is not going to help things, but at least I will have regained some patience to deal with it properly. I've just found out that his wonderful father, who I would never think any bad thoughts about, is not setting limits with him, and instead leaving it on the GF's shoulders to do so. Lovely. After camp I will be setting the appointment for co-parent counselling, since he hasn't done so yet. Then we can nip that in the bud.
Anyway, have a safe 4th, and a wonderful week!
Lucas is staying home with his dad, and then with my dad, and while I'll miss him, I will be able to catch up on my sanity. Poor kid has been really testing his limits these last two weeks. My absence this next week is not going to help things, but at least I will have regained some patience to deal with it properly. I've just found out that his wonderful father, who I would never think any bad thoughts about, is not setting limits with him, and instead leaving it on the GF's shoulders to do so. Lovely. After camp I will be setting the appointment for co-parent counselling, since he hasn't done so yet. Then we can nip that in the bud.
Anyway, have a safe 4th, and a wonderful week!
Friday, June 24, 2005
My little artist
Today I got a picture that my 4 year old son had painted at preschool. First off, my son is usually too busy at school to do any kind of artwork. He is usually building cities out of blocks, knocking down cities of other kids' blocks, or on a time-out. But lately he's been discovering his artistic side. Today I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted blue. It was a dinosaur. I knew this because it was labeled "dinosaur". It was rather good. While other kids made a blue blob on their papers and called them dinosaurs, he colored the whole paper blue. The other day I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted white. Yes, you guessed it. He painted me a snowstorm. My son is an artist.
Unfortunately, my son is also quite possessive of his art. He gives me the art, but then wants to hold onto it. Then he won't give it back. Soon, his art has learned how to fly. Eventually, his art becomes ripped. Then my son becomes frustrated and throws his art away. It is very hard to get some of his pieces of art and put them away for future viewings (i.e. blackmail). But I guess I can only have so many pieces of paper with one color of paint covering it completely.
I will say, he has become really good at drawing people. While he is still trying to master paint, he has become quite skilled at capturing my likeness with a crayon. Of course, his interpretation of me might be different from others, as my ass is coming out of the back of my head. I know this, because my arms and legs are also coming out of my head. And my hair stands straight up sometimes. But my stick arms have very long fingers. I think he thinks I am a piano player. My toes are pretty long too, so maybe he thinks I can play piano with my toes if my fingers get tired. But he gets my eyes, nose, and mouth in almost the right places. Sometimes my nose accidentally falls above my eyes, but at least I can smell, right?
Truth is, I have grown quite fond of his people drawings. They are the best of all his drawings. And I can actually see the beauty in them. And whether he has scribbled me something indescribable, or has taken his time in trying to make it as realistic as a 4 year old can, the look on his little face is just priceless when he brings it to me for approval. And I know he does it for love, and out of love.
Unfortunately, my son is also quite possessive of his art. He gives me the art, but then wants to hold onto it. Then he won't give it back. Soon, his art has learned how to fly. Eventually, his art becomes ripped. Then my son becomes frustrated and throws his art away. It is very hard to get some of his pieces of art and put them away for future viewings (i.e. blackmail). But I guess I can only have so many pieces of paper with one color of paint covering it completely.
I will say, he has become really good at drawing people. While he is still trying to master paint, he has become quite skilled at capturing my likeness with a crayon. Of course, his interpretation of me might be different from others, as my ass is coming out of the back of my head. I know this, because my arms and legs are also coming out of my head. And my hair stands straight up sometimes. But my stick arms have very long fingers. I think he thinks I am a piano player. My toes are pretty long too, so maybe he thinks I can play piano with my toes if my fingers get tired. But he gets my eyes, nose, and mouth in almost the right places. Sometimes my nose accidentally falls above my eyes, but at least I can smell, right?
Truth is, I have grown quite fond of his people drawings. They are the best of all his drawings. And I can actually see the beauty in them. And whether he has scribbled me something indescribable, or has taken his time in trying to make it as realistic as a 4 year old can, the look on his little face is just priceless when he brings it to me for approval. And I know he does it for love, and out of love.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Lucas
My son, Homey Lucas, was just too much today! I took the kids out for McDonalds, and then the Sweete Shoppe in Windsor, and let me tell you, I am paying the price! He has been way too wound up all evening. I decided to skip church tonight to give Margeurite a break, as Lucas would have likely made her bonkers! I had a heck of a time getting him to calm down. I actually know better. Lucas cannot handle his sugar. It is his drug of choice. If Lucas even gets one little bit of sugar, he goes nuts. So, of course, I let him have a whole box of Nerds to himself, to wash down the Happy Meal from before. Hey, it's the weekend, the kids have been bored stiff with this off and on rain, what is better to a kid than to visit a CANDY SHOP? I know, serves me right. At 9:30 pm, and with no nap today, I still can't guarantee he's in bed. He's been bouncing off the walls all night. And I preach constantly about his sugar reaction to his dad. Guess where he's going tomorrow? Yup, to his dad's. Uh oh, I'm in trouble.... LOL!
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Phoenix Rising....
A life for a life...
The above link is a story that caught my eye today, and is likely to start off another national debate on a family's private decision of life and death. But I think it's beautiful, a tragedy etched with hope.
In a nutshell, this young woman was stricken with cancer during her pregnancy, and eventually lost all brain activity. She is being kept on life support, as per her husband's wishes, for the benefit of her unborn child. The hope is that by mid-July the doctors can succesfully deliver her child in her 25th week, and then be able to be take her off of life support to die peacefully.
If you pray, please include this family in your prayers, that the Lord will protect them from any danger, and keep this baby healthy. I am praying that the cancer's progression will slow and not touch any of the woman's organs that this baby is depending on, and for him to prosper after his premature birth.
The above link is a story that caught my eye today, and is likely to start off another national debate on a family's private decision of life and death. But I think it's beautiful, a tragedy etched with hope.
In a nutshell, this young woman was stricken with cancer during her pregnancy, and eventually lost all brain activity. She is being kept on life support, as per her husband's wishes, for the benefit of her unborn child. The hope is that by mid-July the doctors can succesfully deliver her child in her 25th week, and then be able to be take her off of life support to die peacefully.
If you pray, please include this family in your prayers, that the Lord will protect them from any danger, and keep this baby healthy. I am praying that the cancer's progression will slow and not touch any of the woman's organs that this baby is depending on, and for him to prosper after his premature birth.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Summer Days are here
Yesterday was the last day of school, so in essence, today was the first day of summer. So, of course, we lived it up Super Soaker style! I totally had the best laziest day, hanging out in the sun with a good book all day. And I have the sunburn to prove it. The kids were outside playing since 9 am in the morning. Of course, when you wake Mom up at 6:30 in the freaking morning, 9 am is late! Why they can't get up early on school days, but are up at the crack of dawn on weekends is beyond me.
Anyway, I mowed the lawn yesterday so that they could get planty of sprinkler action in today. They couldn't wait for me to turn it on. So I did, and then 5 minutes later they were done and wanted to change into dry clothes. What?!? I decided to be evil mom, and made them stay in their wet clothes, cuz I knew they'd be back in there. Sure enough, as soon as I was done watering the lawn and turned off the sprinkler, moans and groans went up all around. So the lawn got a little over watered.
Later that afternoon, Summer's friend, Kelsey came over. After I made cootie catchers for all of them, they went back outside and eventually discovered the super soakers. They were having so much fun, and it totally brought me back to my childhood. I grabbed the camera, and started snapping away. And yes, the whole time I was thinking about how great these would be in my blog. Here they are!
Summer, Kelsey, and Lucas
Lucas
The girls
Lucas totally spent the whole time trying to soak these girls, and the girls finally ganged up on him and soaked him. So of course, Lucas got really upset about it. Summer had just finished soaking him before I snapped the picture.
This is Lucas trying to get revenge. But I think the girls enjoyed it too much.
Today was so much fun for the kids (and me!), of course, this is just the beginning. By mid-July, I will be counting down the days to August 29th, the first day of school!
Anyway, I mowed the lawn yesterday so that they could get planty of sprinkler action in today. They couldn't wait for me to turn it on. So I did, and then 5 minutes later they were done and wanted to change into dry clothes. What?!? I decided to be evil mom, and made them stay in their wet clothes, cuz I knew they'd be back in there. Sure enough, as soon as I was done watering the lawn and turned off the sprinkler, moans and groans went up all around. So the lawn got a little over watered.
Later that afternoon, Summer's friend, Kelsey came over. After I made cootie catchers for all of them, they went back outside and eventually discovered the super soakers. They were having so much fun, and it totally brought me back to my childhood. I grabbed the camera, and started snapping away. And yes, the whole time I was thinking about how great these would be in my blog. Here they are!
Summer, Kelsey, and Lucas
Lucas
The girls
Lucas totally spent the whole time trying to soak these girls, and the girls finally ganged up on him and soaked him. So of course, Lucas got really upset about it. Summer had just finished soaking him before I snapped the picture.
This is Lucas trying to get revenge. But I think the girls enjoyed it too much.
Today was so much fun for the kids (and me!), of course, this is just the beginning. By mid-July, I will be counting down the days to August 29th, the first day of school!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
A woman's perogative...
Excuse me while I change my mind again. And no, this is not set in stone, and yes, it will probably change again.
I am struggling with the whole custody thing. I am being pulled by members in my family and by my own counselor to keep fighting legally for full custody and less visitation for Ex. But I am A)tired of fighting, and B)ready for some peace.
This whole fight has caused a lot of turmoil inside of me, and it's just not worth it anymore. I know that each time I have tried to be peaceful with Ex, it has caused a lot of anguish for me by his demeanor. But I'm willing to risk it again to just not have to go get a lawyer and start fighting dirty.
If Ex and I can come to terms with all of this and commence peaceful co-parenting, it will be happier for us and for the kids. And I won't be so stressed out. Truth is, it is nice to have the kids gone a day or two a week so I can regain some sanity for when they come back. I never got a break before when I was married, and always longed for it. Now I get it.
And as for his ways with the kids, maybe he'll learn more. He has learned quite a bit since the divorce, I'll give him that. And while his ways aren't exactly my ways, it is unfair for me to expect that.
This whole fight has cost me my peace and serenity, my happiness with self, a possible recent relationship with someone I cared about, my focus on the important things, and so much more. To let go means picking some of those lost things back up. I don't really know where to go from here, but my goal is to find my peace again. I'm really tired of this consuming me, and I feel like it's holding me back from being a whole person. I'm going to have to swallow a lot of pride on this, I will be mocked for this, and I will also be disappointing a lot of people in this. But I will be regaining myself, and wouldn't it be great to do this parenting thing as a team eventually, instead of as enemies? The biggest thing, I know my kids will be happy.
This is my decision for today..... :-)
I am struggling with the whole custody thing. I am being pulled by members in my family and by my own counselor to keep fighting legally for full custody and less visitation for Ex. But I am A)tired of fighting, and B)ready for some peace.
This whole fight has caused a lot of turmoil inside of me, and it's just not worth it anymore. I know that each time I have tried to be peaceful with Ex, it has caused a lot of anguish for me by his demeanor. But I'm willing to risk it again to just not have to go get a lawyer and start fighting dirty.
If Ex and I can come to terms with all of this and commence peaceful co-parenting, it will be happier for us and for the kids. And I won't be so stressed out. Truth is, it is nice to have the kids gone a day or two a week so I can regain some sanity for when they come back. I never got a break before when I was married, and always longed for it. Now I get it.
And as for his ways with the kids, maybe he'll learn more. He has learned quite a bit since the divorce, I'll give him that. And while his ways aren't exactly my ways, it is unfair for me to expect that.
This whole fight has cost me my peace and serenity, my happiness with self, a possible recent relationship with someone I cared about, my focus on the important things, and so much more. To let go means picking some of those lost things back up. I don't really know where to go from here, but my goal is to find my peace again. I'm really tired of this consuming me, and I feel like it's holding me back from being a whole person. I'm going to have to swallow a lot of pride on this, I will be mocked for this, and I will also be disappointing a lot of people in this. But I will be regaining myself, and wouldn't it be great to do this parenting thing as a team eventually, instead of as enemies? The biggest thing, I know my kids will be happy.
This is my decision for today..... :-)
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I'm not done yet...
I have to admit, I let this momentarily take a toll on my faith. After yesterday, I was ready to throw the towel in. I was mad, madder than I've been in a long time. I cried all day, and just felt like this whole thing was hopeless. I didn't see the point in fighting anymore. I was mad at the judge, at Ex, at myself, and at God. I felt like this whole thing was unfair, and what am I fighting for? It all seemed pointless, all that stress I've been going through for months. And just the thought of going through it for three more months at least left me feeling weak and depressed. No way did I want to go through this anymore.
But I have come to some conclusions about yesterday. I was under the impression that the judge knew more about the case than he did. When we sat before him, he probably really was looking at our case for the first time ever. He probably never saw the log I had been keeping of Ex's behavior in the last 6 months. He probably didn't read the whole recommendation of the mediator. I did not speak up enough.
My job will now be to keep detailed notes of the next three months. I will be contacting a lawyer. I will not lay down and play dead, but I will fight for what I feel is right. This is not over. He did not win, and my children deserve more out of me. I am not the weak and pathetic one anymore. I'm still in this.
But I have come to some conclusions about yesterday. I was under the impression that the judge knew more about the case than he did. When we sat before him, he probably really was looking at our case for the first time ever. He probably never saw the log I had been keeping of Ex's behavior in the last 6 months. He probably didn't read the whole recommendation of the mediator. I did not speak up enough.
My job will now be to keep detailed notes of the next three months. I will be contacting a lawyer. I will not lay down and play dead, but I will fight for what I feel is right. This is not over. He did not win, and my children deserve more out of me. I am not the weak and pathetic one anymore. I'm still in this.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Discouragement
Today was the court date to go over child custody. As per mediation a week ago, it was recommended that my ex only get the children every Friday evening, and a full Saturday, but no overnights. It was also recommended that he attend a domestic violence group for a year,a nd maybe some parenting classes. Of concern was his anger issues, neglectful nature in hygiene and care, and what he said and did in front of the kids.
We got to court, and of course he brought his girlfriend. She handed me a legal packet holding copies of every single note I had ever written him since our seperation. What relevance this had to the case, I don't know. The judge didn't even mention them.
We were told to go outside to try to come to an agreement before letting the judge decide, and the GF got up too, as if this concerned her. My ex had to tell her to stay put (good dog). My ex and I went outside, and of course couldn't come to an agreement. We came back in, and the judge saw us.
My ex acted like a complete ass. He couldn't stay on topic if his life depended on it. The judge would ask him a question, and my ex would go off on this 5 minute explanation, without ever answering the question at hand. He kicked back in his chair as if her were watching TV or something. He kept interrupting the judge. He kept looking back at GF and smirking. The judge told him if he looked at GF one more time he'd hold him in contempt of court. I had to bite the corners of my cheeks. Then Ex kept referring to the kids as his kids. The judge corrected him repeatedly, telling him to refer to them as "our kids". But Ex kept forgetting and reffered to them as "my kids". The judge fined him $25 after he kept failing.
The judge told Ex that of concern was his intimidating bahavior and nature, by the mediator, myself, and the court. He also told Ex that his behavior in court was basically rude. He told Ex that it was the court's job to make an unbiased decision, but the more the judge was talking to Ex, the harder it was to be unbiased.
With that said, the custody was not changed. The days were changed to accomodate Ex's work schedule, but the time allowed, and overnights stayed the same. Ex was not ordered to attend a domestic violence group, or even counseling alone. Instead we are to attend co-parent counseling TOGETHER for at least 4 sessions before the next court date. And Ex must attend a parenting class called "Handling Anger, Mine and My Child's". And in three months, we meet again in court to see what's been done.
So basically, it was a waste of time. Yes, the class he has to attend will be helpful, and co-parent counselling isn't such a bad thing. But this man is incapable of being a consistently good role model. He is and always will be an abusive man. And it is disheartening when a judge who seemed to see right through him only slapped him on the wrist with some very ineffective orders. After the court date I had several people come up to me, who recognized Ex for who he was, and tell me to hang in there. One lady told me I needed to go to the YWCA and get a lawyer through them.
I'm just really discouraged. Several months ago I was denied access to a restraining order after an incident with Ex because even though he was intimidating me and holding my kids hostage, he had not physically abused me since April of the year before. Now he got to be an ass in court, and still get his way. Basically this was what Ex wanted, and he got it. It just doesn't make sense.
I have been praying furiously over this, not to get my way, but for the Lord to intervene and make sure that whatever orders were put out, they would be in the kids' very best interest. Maybe this is what it is. It doesn't make sense any other way. All I can do is go along with the orders, but pay attention in the next three months as to what's going on. And maybe I'll still hire that lawyer. But as hard as it is, I must be accepting of this outcome.
We got to court, and of course he brought his girlfriend. She handed me a legal packet holding copies of every single note I had ever written him since our seperation. What relevance this had to the case, I don't know. The judge didn't even mention them.
We were told to go outside to try to come to an agreement before letting the judge decide, and the GF got up too, as if this concerned her. My ex had to tell her to stay put (good dog). My ex and I went outside, and of course couldn't come to an agreement. We came back in, and the judge saw us.
My ex acted like a complete ass. He couldn't stay on topic if his life depended on it. The judge would ask him a question, and my ex would go off on this 5 minute explanation, without ever answering the question at hand. He kicked back in his chair as if her were watching TV or something. He kept interrupting the judge. He kept looking back at GF and smirking. The judge told him if he looked at GF one more time he'd hold him in contempt of court. I had to bite the corners of my cheeks. Then Ex kept referring to the kids as his kids. The judge corrected him repeatedly, telling him to refer to them as "our kids". But Ex kept forgetting and reffered to them as "my kids". The judge fined him $25 after he kept failing.
The judge told Ex that of concern was his intimidating bahavior and nature, by the mediator, myself, and the court. He also told Ex that his behavior in court was basically rude. He told Ex that it was the court's job to make an unbiased decision, but the more the judge was talking to Ex, the harder it was to be unbiased.
With that said, the custody was not changed. The days were changed to accomodate Ex's work schedule, but the time allowed, and overnights stayed the same. Ex was not ordered to attend a domestic violence group, or even counseling alone. Instead we are to attend co-parent counseling TOGETHER for at least 4 sessions before the next court date. And Ex must attend a parenting class called "Handling Anger, Mine and My Child's". And in three months, we meet again in court to see what's been done.
So basically, it was a waste of time. Yes, the class he has to attend will be helpful, and co-parent counselling isn't such a bad thing. But this man is incapable of being a consistently good role model. He is and always will be an abusive man. And it is disheartening when a judge who seemed to see right through him only slapped him on the wrist with some very ineffective orders. After the court date I had several people come up to me, who recognized Ex for who he was, and tell me to hang in there. One lady told me I needed to go to the YWCA and get a lawyer through them.
I'm just really discouraged. Several months ago I was denied access to a restraining order after an incident with Ex because even though he was intimidating me and holding my kids hostage, he had not physically abused me since April of the year before. Now he got to be an ass in court, and still get his way. Basically this was what Ex wanted, and he got it. It just doesn't make sense.
I have been praying furiously over this, not to get my way, but for the Lord to intervene and make sure that whatever orders were put out, they would be in the kids' very best interest. Maybe this is what it is. It doesn't make sense any other way. All I can do is go along with the orders, but pay attention in the next three months as to what's going on. And maybe I'll still hire that lawyer. But as hard as it is, I must be accepting of this outcome.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Nodding....
Ok, Gina, I'm nodding! I know, I know, I gave everyone a hard time, and then I quit blogging. Truth is, I haven't had much to write about. Not many people are interested with the best part of my day, which just so happens when the kids go to bed and I get to flop with exhaustion on the couch, only to have my son tell me he has to go potty....again.
Actually, life's been good. The kids and I have such a routine going, and everything's been really easygoing. I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday, my court date. I'm feeling ever more confident in my decision. And I had a talk with my MIL, and we were able to reassure each other on our positions. I'm now at ease. And if the judge goes along with the mediator (he will), it will benefit everyone. My ex will get the help he needs to be a better father to the kids, and in general in his life. My kids will get the help they need through the Safe Step program I'm enrolling them in (a program for kids who witnessed or were victims of domestic violence). And the kids will have more positive influence in their life. This order would only be for 6 months, as they will be evaluating progress at another mediation and court date in 6 months, which just ensures progress (or that my ex is insane and I win full custody).
Beyond that, I've been working harder than hardly working, and I've started dating someone new. I'm not ready to talk about that so much as it's still really new, but I have only good feelings about it. :-)
As for my faith, I admit I took a one week hiatus from church, which ended up being a two week hiatus, minus working in the preschool. But I filled that time and then some with plenty of walks at Spring Lake with the Lord, and a lot of spiritual meditation. I actually feel like I refreshed myself in some ways. With that said, I'm looking forward to Church Under the Oaks coming up. Should be loads of fun, and extremely spiritual.
So that's my update. Truth is, I will probably be blogging less now too. How sad that we're all growing tired of it. But my blog mission has steered from spiritual to more diarylike. I think I need to go back to the spiritual road in this blog, if only to get me back into the word again.
Actually, life's been good. The kids and I have such a routine going, and everything's been really easygoing. I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday, my court date. I'm feeling ever more confident in my decision. And I had a talk with my MIL, and we were able to reassure each other on our positions. I'm now at ease. And if the judge goes along with the mediator (he will), it will benefit everyone. My ex will get the help he needs to be a better father to the kids, and in general in his life. My kids will get the help they need through the Safe Step program I'm enrolling them in (a program for kids who witnessed or were victims of domestic violence). And the kids will have more positive influence in their life. This order would only be for 6 months, as they will be evaluating progress at another mediation and court date in 6 months, which just ensures progress (or that my ex is insane and I win full custody).
Beyond that, I've been working harder than hardly working, and I've started dating someone new. I'm not ready to talk about that so much as it's still really new, but I have only good feelings about it. :-)
As for my faith, I admit I took a one week hiatus from church, which ended up being a two week hiatus, minus working in the preschool. But I filled that time and then some with plenty of walks at Spring Lake with the Lord, and a lot of spiritual meditation. I actually feel like I refreshed myself in some ways. With that said, I'm looking forward to Church Under the Oaks coming up. Should be loads of fun, and extremely spiritual.
So that's my update. Truth is, I will probably be blogging less now too. How sad that we're all growing tired of it. But my blog mission has steered from spiritual to more diarylike. I think I need to go back to the spiritual road in this blog, if only to get me back into the word again.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Just nod if you can hear me...
I'm just wondering if anyone's out there. Has the blogging fad wore off? I know some of you are still blogging, but several others have been absent for awhile. You know who you are.... Of course, if you're not blogging, you're not visiting me either.... Anyways, if any of you are reading this, I miss snooping into your life, and I miss you snooping into mine, so please start blogging!
Monday, May 23, 2005
Pictures: Take 2
Well, I'm once again testing my picture uploading skills. I've moved on to Flick'r, and I think it's what's going to work. So if I'm successful, you can leave comments on how beautiful my kids are.
P.S. Check out the "muscles" on Lucas!
Here they are 4 years ago...
And here they are now.
P.S. Check out the "muscles" on Lucas!
Here they are 4 years ago...
And here they are now.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Gummy
My ex's grandmother died last night. I just got off the phone with my MIL. It was emminent, as they just found out she had cancer 9 days ago, and she hasn't been doing good at all.
"Gummy" is in a good place. 10 years ago she lost her husband to a horrific car accident. They had been on their way to a high school reunion, I think, and another car crashed into them. His last act was throwing his body over hers to save her life, losing his in the process. It was a terrible blow to the family, as it was so unexpected. He had been in perfect health, and was the backbone of the whole family. And then he was gone. But being the guy he was, all his affairs had been taken care of before his death, and Gummy was taken care of financially.
Nothing was the same after Robert died. Gummy lost a lot of her fire, and her zest for life. Although Gummy was a kick, and often had us rolling with her raw honesty, she also longed for her life to end so she could join her husband. Her quality of life deteriorated, and soon her family had to make the choice to put her in a nursing home. Eventually, Gummy was confined to a wheelchair. It seemed like every time I saw Gummy, her condition was getting worse and worse.
I haven't seen Gummy for awhile. With the divorce, it's harder to find an excuse to visit all that ways. But time is precious, and now she's gone. I'm greatful that my daughter got to visit her one last time not too long ago, making Gummy's day. Now Gummy is dancing in Heaven with her loving husband, she's made it to the end of her journey.
The funeral is this week, and I'm selfishly nervous. I'm going with the kids, there's no question about it. But so is my ex and his girlfriend. But it was bound to happen that one of these days I'd have to be in the same place as them and suck it up, and now it's upon me. But this isn't about me. Truth is, we'll probably sit in the same pew so that the kids don't have to choose who to sit next to, and it will be fine. I couldn't imagine problems being started on a day like this.
But here's to Gummy, who let us know all about her digestion problems with the greatest of detail, who always had a smile for everyone, who loved with all her heart. I hope you wear out your dancing shoes!
"Gummy" is in a good place. 10 years ago she lost her husband to a horrific car accident. They had been on their way to a high school reunion, I think, and another car crashed into them. His last act was throwing his body over hers to save her life, losing his in the process. It was a terrible blow to the family, as it was so unexpected. He had been in perfect health, and was the backbone of the whole family. And then he was gone. But being the guy he was, all his affairs had been taken care of before his death, and Gummy was taken care of financially.
Nothing was the same after Robert died. Gummy lost a lot of her fire, and her zest for life. Although Gummy was a kick, and often had us rolling with her raw honesty, she also longed for her life to end so she could join her husband. Her quality of life deteriorated, and soon her family had to make the choice to put her in a nursing home. Eventually, Gummy was confined to a wheelchair. It seemed like every time I saw Gummy, her condition was getting worse and worse.
I haven't seen Gummy for awhile. With the divorce, it's harder to find an excuse to visit all that ways. But time is precious, and now she's gone. I'm greatful that my daughter got to visit her one last time not too long ago, making Gummy's day. Now Gummy is dancing in Heaven with her loving husband, she's made it to the end of her journey.
The funeral is this week, and I'm selfishly nervous. I'm going with the kids, there's no question about it. But so is my ex and his girlfriend. But it was bound to happen that one of these days I'd have to be in the same place as them and suck it up, and now it's upon me. But this isn't about me. Truth is, we'll probably sit in the same pew so that the kids don't have to choose who to sit next to, and it will be fine. I couldn't imagine problems being started on a day like this.
But here's to Gummy, who let us know all about her digestion problems with the greatest of detail, who always had a smile for everyone, who loved with all her heart. I hope you wear out your dancing shoes!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Mediation part 2
My ex did show up at mediation today, much to my surprise. Unfortunately, one of his friends was there too for his own mediation, and my ex spent the entire waiting time saying things to this guy for my benefit just to get to me. I just ignored him.
I really don't know how well the whole thing went. I requested separate mediation, because I just can't be in the same room as my ex, and they granted it. He denied everything I had in my documentation, which I wasn't surprised about. I am asking for full custody with visitation for him one day a week for 3 out of the 4 weeks. He's requesting 50/50 shared custody, with the kids spending one week at his house, and one week at mine. These are completely opposite wishes for custody. So we have to wait for the mediator to come to a conclusion about her recommendation, and we'll receive her decision in the mail. I've allowed her to talk to my counselor for more information, and I hope that helps. But I honestly don't know. In small increments, my ex can pull off looking like an upstanding guy.
Although I have put this in the Lord's hands, I am extremely discouraged. All the preparation I had for this day may have been for naught because my ex is so skilled in manipulation. And just being there and being around him, listening to him tell the other guy how rotten I was in not so many words, made me want full custody even more. I don't know what I'll do if my children turn out just like him. And it makes me wonder even more what I ever saw in him....
Lord, I pray for your will. You know the desires of my heart, but please let me be accepting of your plans for me and my children.
Amen
I really don't know how well the whole thing went. I requested separate mediation, because I just can't be in the same room as my ex, and they granted it. He denied everything I had in my documentation, which I wasn't surprised about. I am asking for full custody with visitation for him one day a week for 3 out of the 4 weeks. He's requesting 50/50 shared custody, with the kids spending one week at his house, and one week at mine. These are completely opposite wishes for custody. So we have to wait for the mediator to come to a conclusion about her recommendation, and we'll receive her decision in the mail. I've allowed her to talk to my counselor for more information, and I hope that helps. But I honestly don't know. In small increments, my ex can pull off looking like an upstanding guy.
Although I have put this in the Lord's hands, I am extremely discouraged. All the preparation I had for this day may have been for naught because my ex is so skilled in manipulation. And just being there and being around him, listening to him tell the other guy how rotten I was in not so many words, made me want full custody even more. I don't know what I'll do if my children turn out just like him. And it makes me wonder even more what I ever saw in him....
Lord, I pray for your will. You know the desires of my heart, but please let me be accepting of your plans for me and my children.
Amen
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Mediation
Tomorrow morning is the mediation for custody changes. This is when I plead my case to a mediator and he gives his recommendation to the judge. 9.9 times out of 10, the judge will rule in favor of the mediator's recommendation. I'm not sure if my ex will be there or not. I sent him paperwork with the dates highlighted on it, so I don't know how much more clear I need to be with him. I do not talk to him otherwise because of his behavior with me. But knowing him, he figured it was another demand for child support and threw it away. If he shows up, I really don't think he could sway things his way. But is he doesn't, I think it will only help my case.
But I am nervous. And mostly it's still due to doing the right thing. In my heart I do feel I am doing the right thing. But after this, I am going to have a lot of people angry with me, and I'm not one to handle ridicule well. I know his mother will have plenty to say, and it goes without saying that my ex will have a lot to say.
As far as the kids go, I've been preparing them by telling them this week that Daddy and I might be amending our schedule a bit so that I get a weekend with them, and then he gets a weekend with them. Summer understands some, but I know she's not thrilled with the plan. And Lucas won't understand fully until it's underway. And this week he's been asking for his daddy more than usual. It's troubling when this is the week that I am going to try to get full custody and allow him less visitation.
But as far as everything else, I am ready. I have documentation and taped phone calls. Now I just need to pray for God's work to happen in the best interest of the kids. I have prayed that if this isn't what's best, to not let it go through, but if it is, to help it go all the way. And of course, your prayers are needed too....
But I am nervous. And mostly it's still due to doing the right thing. In my heart I do feel I am doing the right thing. But after this, I am going to have a lot of people angry with me, and I'm not one to handle ridicule well. I know his mother will have plenty to say, and it goes without saying that my ex will have a lot to say.
As far as the kids go, I've been preparing them by telling them this week that Daddy and I might be amending our schedule a bit so that I get a weekend with them, and then he gets a weekend with them. Summer understands some, but I know she's not thrilled with the plan. And Lucas won't understand fully until it's underway. And this week he's been asking for his daddy more than usual. It's troubling when this is the week that I am going to try to get full custody and allow him less visitation.
But as far as everything else, I am ready. I have documentation and taped phone calls. Now I just need to pray for God's work to happen in the best interest of the kids. I have prayed that if this isn't what's best, to not let it go through, but if it is, to help it go all the way. And of course, your prayers are needed too....
Monday, May 16, 2005
Undeserved blessings
When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.
Hosea 13:6
Ok, forget for a moment that I am 27 years old, have two kids, and should be living on my own. My experience here sounds somewhat like that of a teenager, so bear with me.
Our house is full. I live here with my parents, my two kids, and my younger sister. Through the months, the house has slowly gotten out of hand in the cleanliness department. When three households try to fit under one roof with all their stuff, this is what happens. Double, if one of these households includes two young children and one less than perfectionist mom. I admit it, I am not Susie Homemaker. I can tidy up, but there are times when the mess is right in front of me and I just don't see it. But still, I really make an effort to do my share in the household. And while there may be various pieces of children's artwork or toys lying around, I do my best to keep all clothing and shoes in my room, and the dishes and dining area clean.
So last night when my mom came in the room with a beef about the less than clean kitchen after dinner, I was offended. It wasn't my night to do dishes, it was my sisters. And my sister cleaned almost all the dishes and left the sinks and stove gross with food. And as my mom yelled about the mess, I was the one she was looking at. I pointed out that I was not the one to be looking at, and still she went off on how I do not do my part around the house. I was pissed. When I am in the kitchen and waiting for water to boil, etc, I will wipe down counters, put dishes away, wash out recycling. I stack the newspapers, return other family members' shoes to their rooms, anything I can do to cut corners for serious cleaning times. My sister is lazy, and does not do anything extra. I have learned to get her to do something I have to spell it out for her. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to her. But she will do things when asked, so that's how I deal with it. I had seen the kitchen after she "cleaned" it, and in my self-righteousness, I ignored the mess knowing it was on her, not me. I know, I know.
But last night I was really mad about it. When I went to bed later, I prayed about it and felt better. I knew that no matter how I felt about the fairness of being yelled at, the truth was I could always do more. I needed to remember whose house I was in, and the burden it was putting on my mom. And I needed to admit that I didn't do nearly enough for all I was being given, or even in general. A lot of mess did belong to me and the kids, and I needed to just suck it up and do more to redeem that.
But when I woke up this morning, the fury returned ten fold. It got to the point that I felt I needed to see my mom after I got the kids off to school and give her a piece of my mind. I got more mad as I unloaded the dish rack again and wiped down the sink, feeling that she would never even see my efforts or acknowledge them. But something happened as I was just about to walk out the door to walk my daughter to the bus-stop. My sister started to do the dishes I had soaking in the sink without being asked. Suddenly I felt really sheepish. All the realizations I had the night before came flooding back at me.
When I came back in the house, my mom was sitting at the table reading the paper. I realized how close I came to being just plain stupid and ruining the day for both of us. She was able to go off to school without me being a complete ass to her, and I was once again able to remember that I was privileged to be living here with my family, that I had a lot to be thankful for, and I couldn't possible pay back all the graces bestowed on me. And that I could always do more....
Lord, thank you for my reality check. I had forgotten how blessed I was for the moment, and you saved me from being ungrateful. I am blessed, even when I'm undeserving, and I must never forget it.
Amen
Hosea 13:6
Ok, forget for a moment that I am 27 years old, have two kids, and should be living on my own. My experience here sounds somewhat like that of a teenager, so bear with me.
Our house is full. I live here with my parents, my two kids, and my younger sister. Through the months, the house has slowly gotten out of hand in the cleanliness department. When three households try to fit under one roof with all their stuff, this is what happens. Double, if one of these households includes two young children and one less than perfectionist mom. I admit it, I am not Susie Homemaker. I can tidy up, but there are times when the mess is right in front of me and I just don't see it. But still, I really make an effort to do my share in the household. And while there may be various pieces of children's artwork or toys lying around, I do my best to keep all clothing and shoes in my room, and the dishes and dining area clean.
So last night when my mom came in the room with a beef about the less than clean kitchen after dinner, I was offended. It wasn't my night to do dishes, it was my sisters. And my sister cleaned almost all the dishes and left the sinks and stove gross with food. And as my mom yelled about the mess, I was the one she was looking at. I pointed out that I was not the one to be looking at, and still she went off on how I do not do my part around the house. I was pissed. When I am in the kitchen and waiting for water to boil, etc, I will wipe down counters, put dishes away, wash out recycling. I stack the newspapers, return other family members' shoes to their rooms, anything I can do to cut corners for serious cleaning times. My sister is lazy, and does not do anything extra. I have learned to get her to do something I have to spell it out for her. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to her. But she will do things when asked, so that's how I deal with it. I had seen the kitchen after she "cleaned" it, and in my self-righteousness, I ignored the mess knowing it was on her, not me. I know, I know.
But last night I was really mad about it. When I went to bed later, I prayed about it and felt better. I knew that no matter how I felt about the fairness of being yelled at, the truth was I could always do more. I needed to remember whose house I was in, and the burden it was putting on my mom. And I needed to admit that I didn't do nearly enough for all I was being given, or even in general. A lot of mess did belong to me and the kids, and I needed to just suck it up and do more to redeem that.
But when I woke up this morning, the fury returned ten fold. It got to the point that I felt I needed to see my mom after I got the kids off to school and give her a piece of my mind. I got more mad as I unloaded the dish rack again and wiped down the sink, feeling that she would never even see my efforts or acknowledge them. But something happened as I was just about to walk out the door to walk my daughter to the bus-stop. My sister started to do the dishes I had soaking in the sink without being asked. Suddenly I felt really sheepish. All the realizations I had the night before came flooding back at me.
When I came back in the house, my mom was sitting at the table reading the paper. I realized how close I came to being just plain stupid and ruining the day for both of us. She was able to go off to school without me being a complete ass to her, and I was once again able to remember that I was privileged to be living here with my family, that I had a lot to be thankful for, and I couldn't possible pay back all the graces bestowed on me. And that I could always do more....
Lord, thank you for my reality check. I had forgotten how blessed I was for the moment, and you saved me from being ungrateful. I am blessed, even when I'm undeserving, and I must never forget it.
Amen
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Hello, I must be going
Which falls faster from a 10 story building, a stupid computer, or my sanity?
Ok, how ironic is this? I just finished writing a whole post on computer problems, and then posted it, and ended up losing the whole post because of computer problems. I am going to scream!
Anyways, I'll start over. But just let it be known that my last post was brilliant, and probably would have been copied and pasted into other people's blogs for years to come. Oh well, this is my feeble attempt to recreate a masterpiece.
If you were on my computer, you could see some very nifty pictures to vies with my blog entries. But I discovered the other day when accessing my blog through another computer, that the pics only came up as those ugly boxes with little X's in the corner. What a bummer!
When I first started my blog, I downloaded "Hello" for uploading my pics. I was able to use it long enough to post my pic on the blog, and have since been unable to use it. It now says somehting failed to initialize, and to re-download it. I did this, and still I received the same message. I have since said goodbye to "Hello".
This is just one of many problems I am having with this damn computer. I tried to upgrade my iTunes yesterday, and the computer refused to work without having to reboot 50 times. It is inundated with spam, that I have to delete out of the computer every week or we spend the majority of our time clicking off of these sites that keep popping up like popcorn. The computer freezes up, allows screens to stay put when we exit them, and ignores our commands. Or the page I ma working on just disappears, and leaves me no other option but to reboot. ARGH!
The thing is, the computer is only 1 year old. And it's a Dell. Does that make a difference? I am so done with this computer, except that my work relies on it, and I am hopelessly addicted to it.
Oh, and I'm cranky because I am sick again...
Ok, how ironic is this? I just finished writing a whole post on computer problems, and then posted it, and ended up losing the whole post because of computer problems. I am going to scream!
Anyways, I'll start over. But just let it be known that my last post was brilliant, and probably would have been copied and pasted into other people's blogs for years to come. Oh well, this is my feeble attempt to recreate a masterpiece.
If you were on my computer, you could see some very nifty pictures to vies with my blog entries. But I discovered the other day when accessing my blog through another computer, that the pics only came up as those ugly boxes with little X's in the corner. What a bummer!
When I first started my blog, I downloaded "Hello" for uploading my pics. I was able to use it long enough to post my pic on the blog, and have since been unable to use it. It now says somehting failed to initialize, and to re-download it. I did this, and still I received the same message. I have since said goodbye to "Hello".
This is just one of many problems I am having with this damn computer. I tried to upgrade my iTunes yesterday, and the computer refused to work without having to reboot 50 times. It is inundated with spam, that I have to delete out of the computer every week or we spend the majority of our time clicking off of these sites that keep popping up like popcorn. The computer freezes up, allows screens to stay put when we exit them, and ignores our commands. Or the page I ma working on just disappears, and leaves me no other option but to reboot. ARGH!
The thing is, the computer is only 1 year old. And it's a Dell. Does that make a difference? I am so done with this computer, except that my work relies on it, and I am hopelessly addicted to it.
Oh, and I'm cranky because I am sick again...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Where would we be without Mom?
Now this is what we all need on our Mother's day!
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Singleness
I've had some time to reflect on my life at present, and have really been amazed at how far I've come along in this short period of time. But with all these changes is still confusion. The biggest, of course, is my single life, and how, as a Christian, do I live it?
At Tribe we have been going over this very subject, and I unfortunately missed the first two of three sessions. This is the very topic that I need examples and tools for. You see, the only example from my own life for singlehood is when I was 17 and younger. And that's not exactly the example I'm looking for. So when I got back into the dating world (way too early, mind you), I was very ill-prepared. My self esteem was shot, and it affected my choices.
But nowadays I get it, somewhat. I know what I want, and I'm willing to wait for it, but I still have fears. The only experiences I've seen so far are guys looking for instant "love", and by love I just mean the physicalness of it. So I just stopped dating because first of all, I was looking too hard and obviously in the wrong places, and secondly because I needed to find myself. And in doing so, I've been having the time of my life. I've rediscovered friendships I'd been neglecting, I focused more on family and work, I found more of what I love to do. Before I was actually shaping my social life around how I could meet someone because I was so lonely. The only thing was, I was lonely because I had not found me yet. I was there, but I was buried so deep inside. I was looking for someone to fill that void that only I could fill.
And only Jesus could fill....
I became re-reacquainted (yes it's a word. I made it up) with God. Now, I'm not claiming that I am now super holy and God is at the center of my life. I still have a long ways to go before I reach that place I want to be at with the Lord. I still have too many issues and I know I disappoint Him so many times in my walk because I am still stubbornly holding onto things. I still have the tendency to put things ahead of Him. But Satan is tricky. Our relationship with God is affected not only when we are sinning, but when we feel so ashamed that we can't face God. And that's where I was at. I'd been told many times over that God loves us no matter what, that there is nothing we could do to make us stop loving us. But I didn't believe it in my heart. And I couldn't face Him. My prayers would be obligatory, and I would sometimes apologize for my sins, but mostly just not acknowledge them at all. You know when you're a kid and playing hide and seek and you close your eyes, thinking that you are now invisible? Same thing. If I don't mention it, it never happened.
Anyways, during this time of self focus, I have been meditating with the Lord. And still, I'm not claiming perfection here. But there's been a definite change in my life. I've let go and jsut loved the Lord, thanking Him for every blessing He has given me, especially in the last year. And I have less stress than before. I am happier. I am more confident. The world looks better. and suddenly I have those answers for my dating life, that one subject that has been such a mystery to me. STOP FOCUSING ON IT!
Now I don't exactly date. I go out, but I am clear on my intentions from the beginning. I am not looking for romance, I am looking for friends. And truth is, I'd rather it be that way, because why would I want to jump into something all over again? I am getting used to singlehood and it's wonderful. I go where I want to go. I have my own interests and get to explore them with no limits. I am getting more fit now because I am excercising more (also very mood enhancing). Every part of my life has improved.
I am still confused about relationships. I have so many questions about how to handle things now that I have boundaries and morals. I have fears about who will accept me, and will I be strong enough to hold my ground? And this is why it is still better for me to be single and just enjoy that for awhile.
At Tribe we have been going over this very subject, and I unfortunately missed the first two of three sessions. This is the very topic that I need examples and tools for. You see, the only example from my own life for singlehood is when I was 17 and younger. And that's not exactly the example I'm looking for. So when I got back into the dating world (way too early, mind you), I was very ill-prepared. My self esteem was shot, and it affected my choices.
But nowadays I get it, somewhat. I know what I want, and I'm willing to wait for it, but I still have fears. The only experiences I've seen so far are guys looking for instant "love", and by love I just mean the physicalness of it. So I just stopped dating because first of all, I was looking too hard and obviously in the wrong places, and secondly because I needed to find myself. And in doing so, I've been having the time of my life. I've rediscovered friendships I'd been neglecting, I focused more on family and work, I found more of what I love to do. Before I was actually shaping my social life around how I could meet someone because I was so lonely. The only thing was, I was lonely because I had not found me yet. I was there, but I was buried so deep inside. I was looking for someone to fill that void that only I could fill.
And only Jesus could fill....
I became re-reacquainted (yes it's a word. I made it up) with God. Now, I'm not claiming that I am now super holy and God is at the center of my life. I still have a long ways to go before I reach that place I want to be at with the Lord. I still have too many issues and I know I disappoint Him so many times in my walk because I am still stubbornly holding onto things. I still have the tendency to put things ahead of Him. But Satan is tricky. Our relationship with God is affected not only when we are sinning, but when we feel so ashamed that we can't face God. And that's where I was at. I'd been told many times over that God loves us no matter what, that there is nothing we could do to make us stop loving us. But I didn't believe it in my heart. And I couldn't face Him. My prayers would be obligatory, and I would sometimes apologize for my sins, but mostly just not acknowledge them at all. You know when you're a kid and playing hide and seek and you close your eyes, thinking that you are now invisible? Same thing. If I don't mention it, it never happened.
Anyways, during this time of self focus, I have been meditating with the Lord. And still, I'm not claiming perfection here. But there's been a definite change in my life. I've let go and jsut loved the Lord, thanking Him for every blessing He has given me, especially in the last year. And I have less stress than before. I am happier. I am more confident. The world looks better. and suddenly I have those answers for my dating life, that one subject that has been such a mystery to me. STOP FOCUSING ON IT!
Now I don't exactly date. I go out, but I am clear on my intentions from the beginning. I am not looking for romance, I am looking for friends. And truth is, I'd rather it be that way, because why would I want to jump into something all over again? I am getting used to singlehood and it's wonderful. I go where I want to go. I have my own interests and get to explore them with no limits. I am getting more fit now because I am excercising more (also very mood enhancing). Every part of my life has improved.
I am still confused about relationships. I have so many questions about how to handle things now that I have boundaries and morals. I have fears about who will accept me, and will I be strong enough to hold my ground? And this is why it is still better for me to be single and just enjoy that for awhile.
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