My little artist

Today I got a picture that my 4 year old son had painted at preschool. First off, my son is usually too busy at school to do any kind of artwork. He is usually building cities out of blocks, knocking down cities of other kids' blocks, or on a time-out. But lately he's been discovering his artistic side. Today I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted blue. It was a dinosaur. I knew this because it was labeled "dinosaur". It was rather good. While other kids made a blue blob on their papers and called them dinosaurs, he colored the whole paper blue. The other day I found a piece of paper that was entirely painted white. Yes, you guessed it. He painted me a snowstorm. My son is an artist.

Unfortunately, my son is also quite possessive of his art. He gives me the art, but then wants to hold onto it. Then he won't give it back. Soon, his art has learned how to fly. Eventually, his art becomes ripped. Then my son becomes frustrated and throws his art away. It is very hard to get some of his pieces of art and put them away for future viewings (i.e. blackmail). But I guess I can only have so many pieces of paper with one color of paint covering it completely.

I will say, he has become really good at drawing people. While he is still trying to master paint, he has become quite skilled at capturing my likeness with a crayon. Of course, his interpretation of me might be different from others, as my ass is coming out of the back of my head. I know this, because my arms and legs are also coming out of my head. And my hair stands straight up sometimes. But my stick arms have very long fingers. I think he thinks I am a piano player. My toes are pretty long too, so maybe he thinks I can play piano with my toes if my fingers get tired. But he gets my eyes, nose, and mouth in almost the right places. Sometimes my nose accidentally falls above my eyes, but at least I can smell, right?

Truth is, I have grown quite fond of his people drawings. They are the best of all his drawings. And I can actually see the beauty in them. And whether he has scribbled me something indescribable, or has taken his time in trying to make it as realistic as a 4 year old can, the look on his little face is just priceless when he brings it to me for approval. And I know he does it for love, and out of love.

Lucas

My son, Homey Lucas, was just too much today! I took the kids out for McDonalds, and then the Sweete Shoppe in Windsor, and let me tell you, I am paying the price! He has been way too wound up all evening. I decided to skip church tonight to give Margeurite a break, as Lucas would have likely made her bonkers! I had a heck of a time getting him to calm down. I actually know better. Lucas cannot handle his sugar. It is his drug of choice. If Lucas even gets one little bit of sugar, he goes nuts. So, of course, I let him have a whole box of Nerds to himself, to wash down the Happy Meal from before. Hey, it's the weekend, the kids have been bored stiff with this off and on rain, what is better to a kid than to visit a CANDY SHOP? I know, serves me right. At 9:30 pm, and with no nap today, I still can't guarantee he's in bed. He's been bouncing off the walls all night. And I preach constantly about his sugar reaction to his dad. Guess where he's going tomorrow? Yup, to his dad's. Uh oh, I'm in trouble.... LOL!

Phoenix Rising....

A life for a life...

The above link is a story that caught my eye today, and is likely to start off another national debate on a family's private decision of life and death. But I think it's beautiful, a tragedy etched with hope.

In a nutshell, this young woman was stricken with cancer during her pregnancy, and eventually lost all brain activity. She is being kept on life support, as per her husband's wishes, for the benefit of her unborn child. The hope is that by mid-July the doctors can succesfully deliver her child in her 25th week, and then be able to be take her off of life support to die peacefully.

If you pray, please include this family in your prayers, that the Lord will protect them from any danger, and keep this baby healthy. I am praying that the cancer's progression will slow and not touch any of the woman's organs that this baby is depending on, and for him to prosper after his premature birth.

Summer Days are here

Yesterday was the last day of school, so in essence, today was the first day of summer. So, of course, we lived it up Super Soaker style! I totally had the best laziest day, hanging out in the sun with a good book all day. And I have the sunburn to prove it. The kids were outside playing since 9 am in the morning. Of course, when you wake Mom up at 6:30 in the freaking morning, 9 am is late! Why they can't get up early on school days, but are up at the crack of dawn on weekends is beyond me.

Anyway, I mowed the lawn yesterday so that they could get planty of sprinkler action in today. They couldn't wait for me to turn it on. So I did, and then 5 minutes later they were done and wanted to change into dry clothes. What?!? I decided to be evil mom, and made them stay in their wet clothes, cuz I knew they'd be back in there. Sure enough, as soon as I was done watering the lawn and turned off the sprinkler, moans and groans went up all around. So the lawn got a little over watered.

Later that afternoon, Summer's friend, Kelsey came over. After I made cootie catchers for all of them, they went back outside and eventually discovered the super soakers. They were having so much fun, and it totally brought me back to my childhood. I grabbed the camera, and started snapping away. And yes, the whole time I was thinking about how great these would be in my blog. Here they are!


Summer, Kelsey, and Lucas


Lucas


The girls




Lucas totally spent the whole time trying to soak these girls, and the girls finally ganged up on him and soaked him. So of course, Lucas got really upset about it. Summer had just finished soaking him before I snapped the picture.






This is Lucas trying to get revenge. But I think the girls enjoyed it too much.

Today was so much fun for the kids (and me!), of course, this is just the beginning. By mid-July, I will be counting down the days to August 29th, the first day of school!

A woman's perogative...

Excuse me while I change my mind again. And no, this is not set in stone, and yes, it will probably change again.

I am struggling with the whole custody thing. I am being pulled by members in my family and by my own counselor to keep fighting legally for full custody and less visitation for Ex. But I am A)tired of fighting, and B)ready for some peace.

This whole fight has caused a lot of turmoil inside of me, and it's just not worth it anymore. I know that each time I have tried to be peaceful with Ex, it has caused a lot of anguish for me by his demeanor. But I'm willing to risk it again to just not have to go get a lawyer and start fighting dirty.

If Ex and I can come to terms with all of this and commence peaceful co-parenting, it will be happier for us and for the kids. And I won't be so stressed out. Truth is, it is nice to have the kids gone a day or two a week so I can regain some sanity for when they come back. I never got a break before when I was married, and always longed for it. Now I get it.

And as for his ways with the kids, maybe he'll learn more. He has learned quite a bit since the divorce, I'll give him that. And while his ways aren't exactly my ways, it is unfair for me to expect that.

This whole fight has cost me my peace and serenity, my happiness with self, a possible recent relationship with someone I cared about, my focus on the important things, and so much more. To let go means picking some of those lost things back up. I don't really know where to go from here, but my goal is to find my peace again. I'm really tired of this consuming me, and I feel like it's holding me back from being a whole person. I'm going to have to swallow a lot of pride on this, I will be mocked for this, and I will also be disappointing a lot of people in this. But I will be regaining myself, and wouldn't it be great to do this parenting thing as a team eventually, instead of as enemies? The biggest thing, I know my kids will be happy.

This is my decision for today..... :-)

I'm not done yet...

I have to admit, I let this momentarily take a toll on my faith. After yesterday, I was ready to throw the towel in. I was mad, madder than I've been in a long time. I cried all day, and just felt like this whole thing was hopeless. I didn't see the point in fighting anymore. I was mad at the judge, at Ex, at myself, and at God. I felt like this whole thing was unfair, and what am I fighting for? It all seemed pointless, all that stress I've been going through for months. And just the thought of going through it for three more months at least left me feeling weak and depressed. No way did I want to go through this anymore.

But I have come to some conclusions about yesterday. I was under the impression that the judge knew more about the case than he did. When we sat before him, he probably really was looking at our case for the first time ever. He probably never saw the log I had been keeping of Ex's behavior in the last 6 months. He probably didn't read the whole recommendation of the mediator. I did not speak up enough.

My job will now be to keep detailed notes of the next three months. I will be contacting a lawyer. I will not lay down and play dead, but I will fight for what I feel is right. This is not over. He did not win, and my children deserve more out of me. I am not the weak and pathetic one anymore. I'm still in this.

Discouragement

Today was the court date to go over child custody. As per mediation a week ago, it was recommended that my ex only get the children every Friday evening, and a full Saturday, but no overnights. It was also recommended that he attend a domestic violence group for a year,a nd maybe some parenting classes. Of concern was his anger issues, neglectful nature in hygiene and care, and what he said and did in front of the kids.

We got to court, and of course he brought his girlfriend. She handed me a legal packet holding copies of every single note I had ever written him since our seperation. What relevance this had to the case, I don't know. The judge didn't even mention them.

We were told to go outside to try to come to an agreement before letting the judge decide, and the GF got up too, as if this concerned her. My ex had to tell her to stay put (good dog). My ex and I went outside, and of course couldn't come to an agreement. We came back in, and the judge saw us.

My ex acted like a complete ass. He couldn't stay on topic if his life depended on it. The judge would ask him a question, and my ex would go off on this 5 minute explanation, without ever answering the question at hand. He kicked back in his chair as if her were watching TV or something. He kept interrupting the judge. He kept looking back at GF and smirking. The judge told him if he looked at GF one more time he'd hold him in contempt of court. I had to bite the corners of my cheeks. Then Ex kept referring to the kids as his kids. The judge corrected him repeatedly, telling him to refer to them as "our kids". But Ex kept forgetting and reffered to them as "my kids". The judge fined him $25 after he kept failing.

The judge told Ex that of concern was his intimidating bahavior and nature, by the mediator, myself, and the court. He also told Ex that his behavior in court was basically rude. He told Ex that it was the court's job to make an unbiased decision, but the more the judge was talking to Ex, the harder it was to be unbiased.

With that said, the custody was not changed. The days were changed to accomodate Ex's work schedule, but the time allowed, and overnights stayed the same. Ex was not ordered to attend a domestic violence group, or even counseling alone. Instead we are to attend co-parent counseling TOGETHER for at least 4 sessions before the next court date. And Ex must attend a parenting class called "Handling Anger, Mine and My Child's". And in three months, we meet again in court to see what's been done.

So basically, it was a waste of time. Yes, the class he has to attend will be helpful, and co-parent counselling isn't such a bad thing. But this man is incapable of being a consistently good role model. He is and always will be an abusive man. And it is disheartening when a judge who seemed to see right through him only slapped him on the wrist with some very ineffective orders. After the court date I had several people come up to me, who recognized Ex for who he was, and tell me to hang in there. One lady told me I needed to go to the YWCA and get a lawyer through them.

I'm just really discouraged. Several months ago I was denied access to a restraining order after an incident with Ex because even though he was intimidating me and holding my kids hostage, he had not physically abused me since April of the year before. Now he got to be an ass in court, and still get his way. Basically this was what Ex wanted, and he got it. It just doesn't make sense.

I have been praying furiously over this, not to get my way, but for the Lord to intervene and make sure that whatever orders were put out, they would be in the kids' very best interest. Maybe this is what it is. It doesn't make sense any other way. All I can do is go along with the orders, but pay attention in the next three months as to what's going on. And maybe I'll still hire that lawyer. But as hard as it is, I must be accepting of this outcome.

Nodding....

Ok, Gina, I'm nodding! I know, I know, I gave everyone a hard time, and then I quit blogging. Truth is, I haven't had much to write about. Not many people are interested with the best part of my day, which just so happens when the kids go to bed and I get to flop with exhaustion on the couch, only to have my son tell me he has to go potty....again.

Actually, life's been good. The kids and I have such a routine going, and everything's been really easygoing. I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday, my court date. I'm feeling ever more confident in my decision. And I had a talk with my MIL, and we were able to reassure each other on our positions. I'm now at ease. And if the judge goes along with the mediator (he will), it will benefit everyone. My ex will get the help he needs to be a better father to the kids, and in general in his life. My kids will get the help they need through the Safe Step program I'm enrolling them in (a program for kids who witnessed or were victims of domestic violence). And the kids will have more positive influence in their life. This order would only be for 6 months, as they will be evaluating progress at another mediation and court date in 6 months, which just ensures progress (or that my ex is insane and I win full custody).

Beyond that, I've been working harder than hardly working, and I've started dating someone new. I'm not ready to talk about that so much as it's still really new, but I have only good feelings about it. :-)

As for my faith, I admit I took a one week hiatus from church, which ended up being a two week hiatus, minus working in the preschool. But I filled that time and then some with plenty of walks at Spring Lake with the Lord, and a lot of spiritual meditation. I actually feel like I refreshed myself in some ways. With that said, I'm looking forward to Church Under the Oaks coming up. Should be loads of fun, and extremely spiritual.

So that's my update. Truth is, I will probably be blogging less now too. How sad that we're all growing tired of it. But my blog mission has steered from spiritual to more diarylike. I think I need to go back to the spiritual road in this blog, if only to get me back into the word again.