Giving thanks

It's 10 days since my last post, and I thought I better let my 2 readers know that I am not sick anymore, and am in fact alive. I've been feeling super blessed lately, mainly because I realized recently that the majority of my focus is not on my ex and our divorce anymore, and that it is sweet to be single! I love the feeling of being in control of myself. For awhile there I felt lonely, and yes, there are times when I still do. But I've been focusing on friendships now, and leaving romantic prospects for the future, where they belong. The present is about renewing that relationship with myself, one that has been neglected for so long. I no longer feel obligated to do things, I do things because I want to. I am learning what it is like to be me, truly me, and be unashamed about it. Do you know how freeing that is? And I like myself, what a concept! I used to sit there and wish I was like someone different, seeing the great things in others and feeling wistful because I didn't have those attributes. But I have recently started seeing things in myself that I like, and I'm proud of me. I don't mean to sound cheesy or self absorbed. It's not about that at all. I just spent so long not liking myself that this truly is a new concept. There was a time when I couldn't face the day without anti-depressants in my system. Now I am free of all medications, and eager to meet what the day has to offer. My life is full. I am with hope. I am happy! Thank you Lord for everything you have blessed me with, I am so fortunate.

Being sick is hot

There are advantages to being sick. For instance, I now know more than ever about Paris Hilton thanks to E! and VH1. I am now convinced that the best job in the world has got to be as an heiress, and not real estate appraiser like I originally thought. I have learned how to yell in a whisper. I can even get my kids to realize I mean business by my whispering yell. I have not had to put on makeup for a whole week. I have also realized I am more in love than ever with Bo Bice, and I think he could love me too if he could look past the yellow bruise on my cheek from last week's dental work, my pasty unsunned skin, and my hair that is fluffy on top and flat in the back from too much pillow time. Oh, and he'd probably find my raspy voice with a hacking cough kind of sexy in one of those sultry diseased smoker kind of ways. And of course there's the fact that I'm still too sickly for normal food. I'm hungry, but I'm so sick of potatoes and other comfort foods, it's easier to just go hungry. Needless to say, I've never looked so good in my skinny jeans. Again, look past the bruised, pasty skin and unnatural hairdo.

Now that I've listed all the postives, I can honestly say that I'd be willing to give them up so that I could be well. Much fun as it sounds laying on the couch all day, I am bored out of my mind! I actually miss working, and of course, so does my bank account. My son keeps looking at me with this sad expression, and in all his 4 years, he tells me that he wishes I could talk good. But I get the feeling it's more for his sake than my own. I have not been outside much at all, due to the fact that I am chilled in this 70 degree weather. I am in a sweater and shivering while normal people are dusting off their skirts and tank tops. I miss interaction outside of the home. I miss laughing without coughing. I miss sleeping without coughing. Anything without coughing! I miss Spring Lake, playing with my kids, reading to my kids. Yeah, I know. It's been a week, not a lifetime. But being sick, I get some wimpiness allowance. Oops, that bonus belongs in the first paragraph. Just mentally cut and paste, ok? I'm too tired and sick.

I am blessed right now. If I were living on my own, I would be sick and still have all the household and kid responsibilities still on me. I'd have no one here to take over when it gets to be too much. I'd have to make dinner for me and the kids, and I'm sorry, but kids catch on when you try to feed them cereal three dinners in a row. I'd have to go to the store myself to buy my own medicine. No one would show me they care by advising me to stay in bed and asking what I needed. But I am blessed because I have 3 extra pairs of adult hands living in this house with me and willing to do what it takes to keep things rolling smoothly. My kids are not suffering because I'm sick, since auntie, grandma, or grandpa can fill in as needed. And this home is filled with so much love and support, it's a working team. I am grateful for this, that I can be sick and miserable, and so happy about it.

Sickie

This morning I woke up without a voice, and the realization that all these aches and pains have been from getting sick. I don't know why that's a relief, but it is. I actually feel so much better today, even if I'm still worn down and the kids keep making fun of my voice. Yes, I have lovely children. And what's funny, when you can only speak in a whisper it has the ability to cause the people around you to also speak in whispers, as if all you're trying to do is keep quiet. I also have this interesting gurgle in my lungs, so I'm hacking constantly.

Today I'm back at work, though my dad is staying really far away from me, and keeps his hand hovering over his face to ward off the cold germs. But it feels good to be up off the couch, and not wanting to collapse. In my sick mode, it is my first step to normal. Wow, I'm such a wimp.

I'm still on soft foods. Mostly it's out of fear. I'm afraid to chew anything with my back teeth and I'm still having trouble opening my mouth all the way. And my appetite is nil. I've been living on pudding, applesauce, and even babyfood. Good news is through all of this I've lost 5 pounds. Bad news is, I'll gain it back once I start eating again. It's too bad I can't be sickly all the time, huh?

Anyways, that's my quick update. Everyone have a wonderful day!

Sick and Tired

I am not one to complain about my aches and pains, but I am hurting! I feel like crap. Yesterday and the day before I was fine, but today I just feel fluish and out of sorts. My parents have left for Fort Bragg for the weekend, and my sister is at work. So I am on my own today. This leaves me alone and feeling a little sorry for myself. I was fine the last two days, I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling so horrible today. Probably because I am cutting my pain medication in half so that I'm not so dependant on it. But there is this beautiful blue sky outside and I am cooped up inside with nothing to do, not that there's anything I want to do! I hate feeling this way! Tomorrow I get the kids back and I keep wondering how I'm going to do it, since I am not allowed to drive or anything. I thought I'd be off these meds by now, but just cutting them in half is leaving me miserable. I'm not even sure if I can make it to church tomorrow, and I may have to have my ex drop off the kids here at home. And with all this time to do nothing but think, I keep stressing about the little stuff. Ugh! I really hope this passes; the aches and pains, the feeling sorry for myself, the aloneness.

I have less wisdom

Teeth, that is. Today I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. Needless to say, I do not feel that hot right now. So I thought I'd post all of this before the numbness completely wears off. I'll miss all of you at Tribe tomorrow, so God Bless you all, and I wish you all well.

Worthiness

So, I've been having this inner conflict that has been seperating me from God. And last night at TRIBE, we got the opportunity to take communion. I decided not to, I didn't feel deserving enough this time to take something so holy. We worshipped in song, and as we sang, I prayed. I kept praying over and over that I wasn't worthy, that I was sorry. But then the words from my Catholic youth came back to me, as if the Lord was reminding me of something...

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed.

I prayed this three times. Then I felt the holy spirit inside of me, just a little. I wasn't overtaken, but I could feel the Lord's presence. I felt him telling me to take of Him, I was worthy. And so I did with thanks.

After TRIBE, several of us stayed behind and talked. I so enjoy the fellowship, as these are some of the most wonderful people I know. It was Gina (yes, you!) who made the most dramatic impact on me. She spoke words that had to come from God, for they were the words I needed to hear. She told me of times that she felt burdened by things, and let them get in the way of her relationship with God. It was at those times she felt the Lord telling her to put down those burdens and just dance with Him, that she was worthy. In essence, she was reminding me that we do not need to be perfect to have a close relationship with Jesus. I needed this. Gina, I am touched by your intimacy with God. You are, and have been to me, an inspiration in how I want my walk with the Lord to look.

I can see God working little reminders into my day to show me that He is there and that He cares. After going through several frantic and stressful weeks, I can feel a calmness coming back. And I know it goes hand in hand with my trust in the Lord. It is amazing how much I feel like I am struggling for air when I do not depend on the Lord. But when I give in and tell the Lord I trust Him, and that I am allowing His work to happen, everything is serene. I am worthy. The Lord accepts me, my struggles, and my faults. But to him, I am perfect. And the Lord is perfect. All those things I am seeking for and have been unable to find, they lie in Him. He is my other half, the one I am always so sure I am missing. But when I let Him, He fills me up. So excuse me while I shut out the world, lay down any guilt and burdens I am carrying, and go dance with my Lord!

Lord, I am worthy to receive you. You created me, and adopted me into your family. You would have it no other way. To know that you love me despite my faults, this is the love I have been searching for. You love me. And you always have, even when I just didn't know it. Thank you for your neverfailing love, and may I be an outlet of your love to the world!
Amen

There is nothing I shall want....

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your Redeemer.
Isaiah 54:4-8

*Lord, thank you for your faithfulness, for braiding yourself into the parts of me that are missing. Thank you for your never-failing protection and love of me, even when I fail you time and again.
Amen

Kids and divorce

Being a mom and going through a divorce is hard. There are so many raw emotions with this divorce. My ex has gotten completely nasty, and it hurts. But I respect my kids, and I refuse to step to his level, so I remain tightlipped and only curteous, even when it's near impossible. And then I find out that my daughter is telling her dad all these lies about me, saying I say bad things about him, or my family is. It is so hard! And still I remain tightlipped. I have not even confronted my daughter about this, because what would I say? At times it is so confusing as to how I'm supposed to react. Do I defend myself and plead my case? Do I remain silent and therefore be innocent of all wrongdoings? Am I being too passive? And what about when it's too much to handle, how much emotion am I allowed to share? And I do not talk about their dad with them, except to support them when they are sharing what they've done at dad's house, or about his latest promise to them. After all of the drama that went down on Sunday, my ex peeled out of the parking lot without even saying goodbye to the kids. When I got to my daughter, she asked where dad was, and I had to tell her he had left. And she burst into tears. And still, I said nothing about him. I just held her, told her I was sorry, and that he probably thought she had said goodbye already. She full on cried for a minute, then picked herself up and wiped her face. Then she acted like nothing had happened. It kills me.

As a mom, I am supposed to be strong for my kids. In the beginning of this divorce, I was a mess. My family stepped in, and I got my footing back. But ever since I regained my strength, I have been really careful to not show my weaknesses to my kids. This last Sunday I full-on cried in front of my daughter, and I was so ashamed. I just have so much weighing me down, and it's hard. But I did not want my daughter witnessing this, because it's about her dad. And as I cried, she was so uncomfortable, and I could tell she just wanted out of there. It used to be that if my daughter saw me crying, she would ask me what was the matter, and give me a hug. Now, she acts like I have the plague, and is embarassed by me. And she's only 7!

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I have worn myself out in being the best mom I can be, and thinking of them first, sacrificing so much in order to keep them happy. At times it seems like it's for nothing. I do not expect my ex to praise me or anything, but when he disrespects me as bad as he does, and allows his girlfriend to crap all over me, I wonder why I stuck around so long. It makes me feel that the only reason he said he loved me was because I was there. And then my kids, my daughter is playing us like a fiddle. And I get that. I understand she is telling her dad all those things because she is praised in a way for them. He then gets verbal with me, and I am left to defend myself against these lies, and my daughter skips off like nothing's going on. And I love her so much, it hurts. I know why she's doing it, she's such an angry child inside, and this is her way of getting attention from him. But it hurts that it's at my expense. I know she is too young to fully see the magnitude of all this, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder if there is some maliciousness in her, wanting to pay me back for leaving their dad.

I am still trying for full custody, but I've barely gotten through all the paperwork. I know it's the right decision, but part of me still is scared that I will ruin my kids by doing so. But with my ex's nature, and all that they have already witnessed before and after the divorce, I know that a lot of damage has already been done. But I also know that once everything is underway, my daughter will hate me even more. I am not taking them away from him, I just think it's vital that they spend less time over there. As it is, it always takes me 2 full days to get them back to normal when they get back home due to too much sugar and junk food, and 2 days without rules. But when they are calmed down, they are the best kids, and everything seems right and in place.

*Lord, I place my children in your hands, where they belong. They are your children. I am praying that you will protect them in the battles to come. All I want for them is to remain innocent and unhurt, and to be able to grow up into strong and successful adults. And I know that right now they couldn't possible understand what's going on, but I do pray that one day they will know just how much I love them. And please, protect me and keep me strong through this battle. Keep me from laying down and giving in by focusing me on what is best for these children you have given me. I pray that all insults, lies, and accusations that are hurled at me will only bounce off me and won't deter me from my mission. Please protect us, Lord.
And Lord, I do pray for my ex. I wanted so much for this divorce to be done in a calm manner, resulting in some sort of friendship. I still pray that one day this can happen so that we will be at peace, and our children will prosper the most. I pray that your will would be to calm my ex's heart and really see what is best for his kids.
Amen

Dog and Butterfly

God must be smiling today. Spring is in full bloom, and I can't get enough of this sunshine! The butterfly migration is taking place today through our backyard. We are fortunate enough to live in a place where we can witness such beauty. Several weeks ago it was the bird migration. Unfortunately, the little buggers are too fast to snap a picture of, but I so wanted to show a picture of today's beauty. So I settled on a picture of my dog peeking through the garden gate at me as I searched for a silly butterfly to take a picture of. I think she thought I was nuts. So I took her picture instead.

This is my dog Zoe. She is a fire truck reincarnated. I know this because we live near a fire station, and whenever a firetruck blares its siren, my normally mild-mannered dog lifts her nose to the sky and howls with it. It's so spooky sounding it's beautiful. She does not chase balls. If you throw one at her, she takes that as a cue to ignore the ball and just happily run at you and run into your legs, looking for some affection. Happiness to Zoe is a belly rub. She hardly ever barks, except if you just happen to be walking by our house. And it's not out of protecting, it's because she wants you to come over and pet her. But she does not tolerate other dogs in her yard, and will complain about it. But I guess when you're an old girl like her, you're allowed to be crotchety.

Anyways, happy spring to all of you, and have a blessed day!