Praise for the Night

"Fireflies, sparks, lightning, stars,
Campfires, the moon, headlights on cars
The Northern Lights and The Milky Way
You can’t see that stuff in the day

When the earth turns its back on the sun
The stars come out and the planets
Start to run around
They call that day is done
But really it’s just getting started
Some folks take comfort in that

How dark is it
It’s too dark for goblins
How dark is it
It’s so dark you can smell the moon
How dark is it
It’s so dark the wind gets lost
How dark is it
It’s so dark the sky’s on fire
How dark is it
It’s so dark you can see Ft. Worth from here...."
Guy Clark, "The Dark"

Praise God for the night. There is something special about nighttime, after everyone has gone to bed, and it's just me, God, a cat swirling around my ankles, and the night sky that goes on forever and ever. It is in these moments when I realize just how big God is, and how small he is too at the same time. It is in this moment that I see God in everything.

I am fortunate where I live. There are no city lights impeding my view of the night sky. You can see millions of stars from where I live. You can see the Milky Way clearly. If you stand out there long enough, you can see several meteors making their way across the sky. It is in this moment that I can talk the most clearly with God. Sometimes I sing to Him. Sometimes I pray outloud, praising Him. Sometimes I just breathe Him in.

At night, the driveway is still warm from the heat it has gathered during the day. I sit cross-legged on the asphalt and allow my old cat to climb into my lap. Usually she is skittish, and won't let anyone pet her. But it's as if she waits for me to come out there for my nightly ritual. And there she is, her small meow reminding me it is time to sit down and allow her into my God time. First she tentatively places a paw on my leg. Then she kneads my thigh like she's a kitten again. Then she cautiously steps into my lap and curls up, burying her head into my stomach and allows me to massage her head while she chirps happily. She's my baby again, as she was 13 years ago.

Thank you God for this safe place you have put me in. Thank you for the starry nightsky you have created, almost as if it were for my enjoyment alone. I praise you and everything you have created, for you are in all of it.

Praise for Work

Yes. You read correctly. Praise God for work. And not just any work. Praise God for MY job.

My job consists of researching property history, taking pictures of houses while driving all over Sonoma County and beyond (which means cranking up the stereo and enjoying the scenery), being invited into the most beautiful homes you could imagine, and comfortably typing up reports from the comfort of my own home. Most days I am typing up at my kitchen table. Beautiful days like today, I type up outside on the patio furniture, wearing nothing but my swimsuit as I "multi-task": type up and work on my tan. My arms are looking nice and brown. My back, well, it's a little lobsterish right now. But not having to sit in a windowless cubicle with the air conditioning as my only source of air? Priceless.

But besides that, I am fortunate to have a job right now. It doesn't pay well at the moment. I am broke more often than not. But I have a promising future ahead of me. And there are so many people out there who do not have jobs, and not for lack of seeking one out.

So, thank you God for giving me a good job, one I enjoy and one that will give me the future I am planning for.

Praise for Motherhood

To go with Danielle in her 40 Days of Praise, this will be the beginning of my Praise Blog for the next 40 days (give or take a few due to absence from the computer....). I have so much to be thankful for, this should be no problem at all!


(I know this is a repeat picture, at least I believe it is.
But the look on their faces is radiating such joy,
I couldn't find one more perfect)

Today, I praise God that I am a mother. There are so many women out there who are unable to have children, and I thank God all the time that he blessed me with fertility. I have always known I've wanted to be a mom. And God blessed me with the patience, the learned lessons, all the tools I need to raise these children up right. And He gave me such wonderful children, at that.

Lucas, while his energy can drive me bonkers at times, has this drive that I can only marvel at. He is good at every sport he attempts, he's super fast, he's not much for lying around, as he's always on the go. But even in all that, he always takes time to stop and give me a big hug, for no reason at all. Then he's off again. He's very easy going, and generally a happy child, and ever so loving. He has a soft spot for younger children, and even as rough as he can play, he is aware of those younger than him and makes sure to be gentler around them.

Summer, my oldest, is going to be a great mother herself one day. While she can be bossy with Lucas, I see her genuinely watching out for him. She is very protective of him and makes sure he is safe at all times. Sometimes I have to remind her that she can be 8 years old, not 28! And Summer is so smart! She reads so well, novels and everything. She enjoys learning, and school comes easy for her. I used to feel guilty that I didn't get so hands on with her school work, she always seemed to finish her homework before she even got home from school. I hardly ever practiced spelling words with her, or made sure her reading log was filled out correctly. But she'd come home with A's on her spelling, and her reading log was always turned in correctly. The girl has a good head on her shoulders. I praise God for her genuine goodness, that even after all she's been through, she is such a good girl who aims to do her best. I admire the strength I see in her, the wisdom she possesses beyond her years. She's capable of so much that I have to remind myself that she is still just 8 years old.

And lastly, I praise and thank God for any future children I will have in my life, stepchildren and children that my future husband and I will create together.

Thank you God for my wonderful children, for this blessed gift of motherhood. Of anything I could be in my life, being a mother is what I wanted most, and am most proud of. And I praise you for this.

In the Sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
Joseph Arthur, "In the Sun"

Life Testament: Old and New

There are times when I love to just sit back with the bible and get into the Old Testament. It is so interesting to read about the people of so long ago, the stories of their lives, and muse about what they were going through. They were human like me, with human emotions, going through human struggles as we all do. But those of God's choosing did so on a closer playing field with God, a God who revealed Himself to His people openly. I like to think about what it must be like to be them. What was the fear Abraham must have felt as he led his only son, Isaac, up on the mountain to sacrifice at God's command? Did Moses question his sanity as he communicated with a burning bush? Would I have joined the Jews in dancing around a golden calf, handing over my gold to help create it? I can only imagine the heartache Samson felt when the woman he loved betrayed him. Or the fear Adam and Eve felt when they sinned for the very first time.

In the Old Testament, God was shown as a strict and terrifying God. He loved His people, yes. But he also rained wrath on them for punishment. Karma definitely existed in the way that God dished out sinner's punishments here on earth. The Jewish people were given rules and were set apart from others to keep themselves holy. If they sinned, they were to atone for their sins through a pure sacrifice. Otherwise, their sin remained on them.

The GOOD NEWS of the New Testament is with the life and death of Jesus, everything changed.

Jesus is our sacrifice, one who is pure and good, and pleasing to the Lord. Through Jesus, all our sins are forgiven and we will join Him one day in the next world. But you know what also happened with the sacrifice of Jesus? The Old Testament became a history, and the New Testament became our gospel. And it's confusing when scripture from the Old Testament is used to prove a point, especially when used out of context, when Jesus changed all of that. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty in the Old Testament that I read and get insight from. The suffering of Job, I learn from his continued faith though everything was stripped from him. The wisdom in Proverbs, though I take some and leave some. The beauty in Psalms, some of which could have been written in my soul. But then there comes Leviticus, with some very clear cut rules and guidelines, and ways to atone for sins and making oneself pure and clean again. First off, many of these guidelines must have been in place to keep these people alive. Diseases were very easy to come by, and there were clear guidelines on how one must deal with things such as leprosy, childbirth, etc. To touch an open sore would mean one would be unclean. If one is unclean, they are not to be touched or to touch others, and anything they touch is deemed unclean and was to be destroyed. This must have been in place to prevent the spread of this disease, as well as to keep the dwelling place of the Lord clean and holy. But there are other rules as well. To name a few....

"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." Lev. 19:27
"Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." Lev. 19:28

2,000+ years ago, everything changed. A child was conceived in an unwed mother, who was told by an angel that this was to be the son of God. This child grew to be a man who preached on God's love, and that we were God's children. Through Jesus, God became known not for His anger at human's shortcomings, but for LOVE of His creation. Jesus taught us true holiness, best shown by how He lived His life. Jesus was a true example of how one looks when the spirit resides in them. His life was created to allow us to model our lives after Him. And His life was created so He would lose it for OUR sins and shortcomings. Through Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, we are saved. And through Jesus, we no longer have to be PERFECT to enter the kingdom of Heaven. Through Jesus, the Old Testament became a history, and the New Testament became gospel.

I wrote a blog entry one day back in November in frustration at my anger over Christianity, and my hatred of the Old Testament, how God was portrayed as an angry God that I could not understand. I was at odds with myself over my life and how it should look for God's sake, and was in misery. It was a very hard time in my life where I felt alone in this world, angry at the way it seemed holiness was only achieved by following a bunch of rules, and I felt almost abandoned by God. In this particular entry I wrote: "There are times when I am so angry at God, at how his judgement will never find me, or the rest of the world, holy. I hate how big he is, and how invisible I feel at times. I hate the whole old testament, and what man has made of it. I hate how confusing the whole thing is." For this entry, and especially for this statement, my name was used in several circles by people who were appalled that I would dare write, much less feel, such a thing. I have since come to terms with the Old Testament, seeing it for what it is: a book that records our history, where we came from, possesses beauty and wisdom, and lets us in on a time before Jesus existed, when humans had many hoops to go through to be accepted by God.

Because of Jesus, we are accepted by God because He created us. No hoops. No rituals. No silly laws to keep us clean and make us holy. We belong to God as we are. Because of Jesus, we get a personal relationship with God, a God of love and not of wrath. And even in these trying times where war and suffering and poverty seem to surround us at every corner, because of Jesus we have a hope in, a trust in, and a connection to God that many of the ordinary people in the Old Testament could not fathom. Through Jesus, we have a New Testament for our lives.

Love your Neighbor

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"
He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Luke 10:25-28

I have been contemplating and praying a lot on what God means to me. And in that, I've been thinking a lot about the Trinity. Primarily, I've done a lot of focusing on the Spirit within, as well as the God that surrounds me. It's easy to think about Jesus, as God being man. I am human, through Jesus, God became someone we could relate to. But God has been really speaking to me, urging me to seek Him out inside of me and all around me.

In Buddhism, it is a common misnomer that they practice a religion of no God. On the contrary, they do believe in God. Much like Christianity, they practice a Trinity, what's called "Dharmakâya". They practice that God is within us, as well as the God in others, and even the God in all we see. When they pray, they honor the God within. When they see others, whether good or bad, they see the God within them. Honoring them by peace and neighborly conduct is honoring God. They practice the heavenly manifestation of Buddha, who became enlightened with God within, much like we as Christians honor the resurrected Jesus. The third is "Nirmânakâya", God as man, like in Christianity, where we believe that God became man through Jesus Christ.

Of course, Buddhism is different from Christianity, and their Trinity is no exception. But the concept I find fascinating is praising God within and God around us. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." This is the first commandment. "Love your neighbor as yourself." This is the second commandment. Where is God? He is in us. He is in our neighbor. He is all around us. "Love the Lord with all your heart"? Love your neighbor. And the other commandments? "Honor Father and Mother" Love your neighbor. "Do not steal" Love your neighbor. "Do not murder." Love your neighbor. Do you want to praise God? LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR.

God is within us. God is all around us. He is in the air we breathe. He is in the ground we walk on. He is in the birds, the flowers, the deer, the trees, even the house we live in and the bed we sleep on. God is in everything. And God is in every single person on this earth, whether they acknowledge that or not. He is even in people we don't feel we can love, or in people of other faiths. Who is our neighbor? Jesus answered this in the final part of this parable, Luke 10:30-37:

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Who are our neighbors? Everyone. Regardless of status, culture, RELIGION, walk of life, what we perceive as sin, any difference between you and them. Your neighbors are all around you. Love your neighbor. And if you love your neighbor, you are loving God.

Feeling closest to God.

Granted, I don't feel close to God when I'm with my horse. My horse is my friend when I am going to give her food. But, the gist is the same. I feel closer to God when I am outside, alone, and in nature, enjoying God's creation. I feel closer to God after everyone is asleep and I get the chance to talk candidly with God while looking up at the massive sky of stars. I feel closer to God when I am extremely happy, whether it on a wonderful Saturday afternoon with my children, or cuddling with someone I love. I feel closer with God when I am singing God's praises and recalling all my blessings, than I do being told about God in a sermon.

But I think this is ok. I think this is how it is supposed to be.

The thing that this postcard's author missed is that God is with us all week long. And sometimes "church" is not on Sunday, but out in a field with the very thing that makes us whole. In her case, her horse. My purpose for church is to learn about God, and to receive that necessary reminder to open my Bible midweek and read His word. I do not believe church is necessary to be close to God. It might not even be right for some people. That's ok. When it's not right for me, I don't go. That's ok. What is necessary is to seek God out OUTSIDE of church, and not just on our weekly church day. God is not only in church. He is in us. Always. That means He is ALWAYS with us, not just when a pastor/priest/etc, is telling us about Him, and asking us to turn to such and such scripture.

I think about God every day. The majority of my day is in conversation with God. Even when I am not talking directly with God, when I am talking to someone else or just in a time of silence, God is in on it. He is always at my side, even at times when he is more distant than anything. Even in my times of not feeling Him, I know He is still there, but just silently observing. When I don't call on Him, He is there, waiting for me to call on Him. And that makes me happy.

I feel closer to God when I am me. And I think that is what the postcard's author is really saying.

Revelling in the Spirit

Today is such a beautiful day. I have spent it in a mixture of responsibility (work, cleaning, errands) and a day for myself (reading, meditating, praying, enjoying the outside). It feels like a perfect day to get back in touch with myself. And it is a perfect day to get back in touch with God. I have been feeling so spiritual today, as if I'm on fire, as if I am actually glowing. I started out in Sebastopol. I went to my favorite coffee shop, Coffee Catz. I sat outside with this book I'm reading, The Mystic Heart, and a great cup of coffee. And all the turmoil I've been feeling over my spirituality suddenly was washed away. I heard God speaking to me with each page, every word just making sudden sense to my soul. I want to speak more about it, but I'll do that on another day. Today I am revelling in it in silence.

This afternoon, after stripping my bed for the wash, and getting some urgent work-related phone-calls out of the way, I sat out in my backyard and just enjoyed this God-given nature. The wisteria in the backyard is in full bloom, and the bees were humming in ecstasy. Black birds were gathering the straw and various materials needed for their nests. Just a few weeks ago they were busy flirting with each other, now they are settling into creating their homes with each other. A lone hawk was circling above, using the same current that was coming upon me in a light breeze. And it let out its cry, which echoed into the valley and rested in my ears. And we were all connected. And I felt God around me, in me, of me. It all made sense. Everything is God. He is above us and sees us. He is in us, we are of Him, and He feels us and we feel Him. The earth, humanity, the air, the water, it is all God. All the differences we feel with others, we are not so different. We are all made of the same material by the same God, with the same Spirit inside of us. And while some of us feel it and some of us ignore it, that Spirit is there just the same. It is how we move. It is how we think. It is how we feel. It is how we laugh, cry, love, anger, nurture, relate with ourselves and one another. It is what makes our skin tingle when we "GET IT". It is the warmth we feel when God is bursting in us. It's the sensuality we feel when we are in love with the world. It's the good and it's the bad. It's all that makes us alive.

The Spirit is in me. I'd thought it to be lost. It was there all the time. I was just pushing it away. God resides in me, and I feel Him again.

Court....

Lori, thank you for your support and friendship! Today was an awesome day! God was there. And He prevailed. I think I've lost 10 more pounds, cuz all of a sudden I feel much lighter!

His response, God's response

I don't really feel like including my ex-husband's name in here anymore, so from here on out, he will be referred to as "Ex".

Yesterday, I got a response from the temporary restraining order I have against Ex. I tell you, not having contact with him has made me wane a little bit. I know the kids miss their dad. I want what's best for him, but I do not want them to be corrupted by him, to be influenced by him while he is how he is. And while I really doubt he'll change, I at least want him to get some help so he has the chance to start making better choices in favor of his children. But I had started to feel ridiculous in this whole fight against him. And it's not really a fight against him, it's a fight for our children. But it was beginning to feel like a fight against him, and I'm positive that's how he's viewing it.

That was before the response came. I actually expected as such, but it was still a shock as I read it over. He denied ever laying a hand on me. Ever. He denied ever hurting Summer. He even picked apart my declaration to try to prove I was lying. He included letters I had written him, letters begging for him back after we had separated and he had found his next victim. He had included these letters before, and was resubmitting them to prove that he must not have abused me. It's like I said, if he can't make himself look better, he's going to make me look worse. And he wanted me to look as pathetic as possible. As I read it, I was fuming. Victim me came back, and I felt like everyone in that courtroom was going to look at me like I was a fool and look at him like he was righteous. I felt like, how dare he! Didn't he owe me? Didn't he owe his children? And to boot, he was demanding that custody stay the same, that he still get weekly visitation. I called my lawyer, who wasn't in her office. I left her a voice-mail that she probably won't get until Monday morning, and we have court that afternoon. And still fuming, I left to go get my son from preschool.

But a funny thing happened while driving. I suddenly felt this urge just to let it go. I know that God was taking extra measures to let me know that He could handle it, reminding me to put my faith in Him. All that faithlessness I had suffered weeks ago, well, it served as a reminder now to just give it to God. So I did. And this is what came to me. It doesn't matter if Ex denies he ever hurt me physically. It doesn't matter that the court might not care about the abuse, or claim that there's just not enough evidence against him for such. The letters? They don't matter. These are not all the issues at hand. The issue at hand is Ex got extremely drunk while the kids were in his custody, and threatened police with a baseball bat and a gun IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN when all they initially came to do was to assess the situation and talk to him, and dared the police to shoot him dead IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN. If it weren't for my children being there, I know the police would have shot him. (And in some ways, I wish they had taken out a knee cap or a shoulder or something, just to take away from his apparent invincibility. But that would have completely traumatized the kids.)

God reminded me that this already is in his hands. At this point, the most I can do is stress over it, and that's not likely to result in any action. So I let the Lord take the weight off me, and I even smiled. This will all be okay on Monday. I prayed to God to please open the judge's eyes to only what was best for the kids, and not the best interest of me or Ex. And I prayed that I will keep my eyes open to what's best for the kids, and if I am lacking, to give me the wisdom to see as such.

I also feel better knowing that I have a lawyer present to argue on my behalf, so I am a little less stressed than I was two weeks ago. But I have to admit that part of me is thinking over how I would argue this. But this is probably why I SHOULDN"T be arguing my case, because there is so much of my emotion involved. So while I will be actively presenting all the facts, this is just in God's hands as to how it will be presented, and how it will be received. And every time I start to stress about this whole case and the details of it, I remind myself that I already gave it to God, that He will worry about the details. And I am relieved once again.

Mysticism in Christianity

I came across this "new" term, Christian Mysticism. And I wondered what it meant. Upon first glance of just the word, I figured it was some new agey thing. Maybe it focused on the miracles that took place. Maybe it was a group of people who thought they could perform miracles themselves. At any rate, just the word alone sounded a little NON-Christian. But as I knew nothing about it, I thought I'd research it. And the more I researched, the more I knew I was already familiar with this term, because it is what I strive to be practicing....

Christian Mysticism, in simplistic terms, is the spirituality of the direct experience of God. The definition in Wikipedia defines Mysticism as "the philosophy and practice of a direct experience of God. Although it needs to be born in mind that 'experience' is a hotly debated term in the discussion on mysticism, and experience understood simply as a psychological state or event may be contested. In the Christian context it is traditionally practiced through pursuit of the three disciplines of prayer (including Christian meditation and contemplation), fasting (including other forms of abstinence and self-denial), and alms-giving, all discussed by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew Chapters 5-7). Other forms of mysticism include participation in ecstatic worship and the use of entheogens. Christians believe that God dwells in Christians through the Holy Spirit, and therefore all Christians can experience God directly."

Christian Mysticism is not about belief. Yes, scripture is believed, but it is not worshipped over God. The greatest example we have of a denomination predicated on Christian Mysticism is The Society of Friends (Quakers), a religion I very much can relate with, in the unprogrammed tradition. One statement they make is "we can never hold the Bible up as authority over the Holy Spirit who created it". Christian Mysticism is marked with love and joy. It is about the direct oneness with God, nothing in the way. Jesus was one with God. He proclaimed it to be so. Christian Mysticism is about nothing else but this transforming union. This kind of union is the ultimate for the Christian Mystic, to be so permeated with God that we are one with Him. "Whereas all Christians have Christ, call on Christ, and can (or should) know Christ, the goal for the Christian mystic is to become Christ—to become as fully permeated with God as Christ is, thus becoming like him, fully human, and by the grace of God, also fully divine. In Christian teaching this doctrine is known by various names—theosis, divinization, deification, and transforming union." (From here)


This deepened Christianity can be explained like this:

That while we honor the Scripture, we want to know God directly, not just through Scripture.
While we respect our heritage of teachings about God, we want to know God directly, not through doctrines and teachings.
While we gather in communal worship, we want to know God directly, not just through the Church.

If you follow Christ, and strive to be like Christ, you are a Christian Mystic. If you love unconditionally, you are a mystic. "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:7-12 This is Christian Mysticism. God is love. We love. God is in us and of us because of that love.

But where did this come from? Is this just some made up hokey new form of Christianity? To the contrary, it is instead the truest form. It's founder was Jesus Christ himself. "I and the Father are one" John 10:30 Jesus proclaimed it, and offers it to anyone who follows Him. Paul lived it, proclaiming "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 "Becoming God doesn't mean we become all-knowing, all-powerful, or that we remember saying "let there be light." It really means becoming Christ, or becoming divine—that God's God-ness is experienced and known not as something outside and separate, but as a part of our own being. It means knowing God as Jesus knew the Father, so like Jesus, we are with him, fully human, and fully divine." (From here) "I said, 'You are "gods"" Psalm 82:6 Jesus refers to this scripture "Is it not written in your Law, 'I have said you are gods'?" John 10:34 when he is explaining His claim to BE God. God is in Him, and He is in God.

So who are Christian Mystics? Well to name a few, Paul and John the Baptist were mystics. St. Teresa of Avila was a mystic. St. Francis of Assisi was a mystic. Pope Pius XII and Pope John Paul II were both mystics. Mother Teresa was a mystic. And of course, Jesus Christ was a mystic. And me, I am striving to be a Christian Mystic. I'm not even close, but it's my ultimate destination.

Dance like nobody's watching.....

Dance like nobody's watching;
Love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening
Live like it's heaven on earth.

~Mark Twain~

Where does my faith lie?

It was pointed out to me that I am putting a lot of things before God. I appear to have more faith in Randy than I do in God. What do I mean? I fear Randy and am stressed out by this situation more than I trust that God will be there for me and will see that the best situation will prevail.

I was angry after the court date on Monday. In that courtroom, I was disrespected, I was made out to be more interested in righting my scorn than protecting my children, it was all made out to be ugly, and then was not resolved because a continuance was granted. I left there feeling let down, like God had left me for dead. I was angry, hurt, and just plain exhausted at the idea of having to go through this all again, this time with lawyers. And I know that if Randy cannot make himself look better, he will instead drag my name through the mud and make me look worse. And because I have so much "faith" in him and he knows it, he is able to rile me up and make me appear more passionate than determined. This is what happened briefly on Monday, and it will happen again if I am not careful.

So right now I am just angry. I am angry that it was brought up that I had so much faith in Randy, and that my faith in God was lacking. I'm angry that this person even had the audacity to say such things to me. And I am angry because what was brought up was the utter truth. Right now my faith in God is nil. I do not trust Him. I am more focused on what Randy will do and what I need to do. And I am so unsure about what it takes to let all this go and put it in God's hands without sitting on my laurels in the interim. I am confused about where the balance is, what my part is. And I have yet to just sit down and take some time to pray to God and seek out the answers.

My friend did point out to me that God was there with me in that courtroom. He was in the bailiff who apparently was Randy's friend and put me down. He was in Randy who sat there smugly while I appeared angry and passionate to the judge. He was in the mediator who asked me to seek counseling because I might be letting my anger dictate what's best for my children. And how? He lit a fire under me. He let me know that fighting this on my own is not going to cut it, and it's time to make some serious changes for the better of my future.

But then, even after all that, what does my fight say about my faith? I am so utterly confused. I have spent so long getting Randy out of my life. He used to consume it. I was able to back off so that he didn't. But the truth is, at bad times with Randy, when Randy would start his crap again, it did consume me. So maybe I haven't healed after all. And now the confusing part is that this court case and all then things about it, especially Randy, are consuming me again. This has become my whole focus, and I am stressed out beyond belief. And when I'm then told that I have more faith in Randy than I have in God, what do I do? How do I remedy that without backing down from my fight? I've gotten this far, if I back down, Randy will own me. The message sent to him will be that he can do anything he wants and there will be no reprecussions. And if I fight this fight harder than I have been, as I thought I was being prompted to do, am I putting God on the back burner once again and "worshipping" Randy? I have been prompted to go for Randy's parental rights terminated, and now I feel like I'm being told that this is going way too far.

This whole case seems to be threatening all parts of my life. And just that thought alone shows more faith in Randy than in God.

I have no lighthearted and inspirational end for this entry.

Prayer for Triumph

"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more."
Psalm 10: 17-18

Hear me, oh Lord. I am at your feet, begging for your attention, begging for your mercy. Let the battle be stopped, once and for all. Lord, I cannot stand this any longer. I beg for your help today in court. I implore you to give me the words to say, and that the judge will hear. I need you to show yourself today, I daresay I demand it. His terrorizing of me has gone on long enough. His poisoned parenting needs to be struck down. You entrusted me with the care of your children you have blessed me with, save them from the harm that Randy is inflicting on them. I demand this. I cannot stand idly by any longer. I cannot pretend that things will be better for the sake of peace. Things are getting worse. I need your help today. I need your guidance, your intervention. I need your will to be safety for me and my children, for this ugly war to be ended. Lord, don't let this be drawn out any longer. Please guide Judge Bertoli in seeing the truth, with no blinders on whatsoever. Let him see the monster I am dealing with. I beg you. Lord, I have not done nearly enough for you. You have created me and saved me. You have blessed me time and time again. I am not worthy of your grace. But I beg you to deem me worthy, to allow me and my children to rise up out of this turmoil that has been weighing us down once and for all. Please Lord. Grant me strength. Grant me wisdom. Grant me words with power. Grant me the power to not be a victim any longer. Let this all be over. Amen.

A Welcome Distraction

I was sitting on the steps at the courthouse, my stomach in knots. My purpose for being there was to file the remaining papers for my custody case coming up on Monday, and just the thought of submitting more paperwork to be served to my ex was nerve-wracking enough. So I was sitting on the steps, trying to work up the nerve to just walk in the court door and request the files I needed for my case. And I prayed.

"Lord, I know I am trying not to ask you for too much. But I really need your help now. I need strength to get up and file the papers I need to file, and I need help in that courtroom on Monday. Please help me!"

"Do you have a cell phone?" a girl asked me as she walked up to me from across the parking lot, stopping my internal prayer immediately. She wore lots of eye makeup, and hoop earrings larger than her ears. But her bright eyes and her nervous giggle gave away her innocence. I reached into my purse and pulled out my cell. "Never mind," she said. "I'm not even sure who to call." Upon more information, I learned that her 19 year old boyfriend had just been arrested, and he had asked her, without her driver's license, to move the car. It was in the 90 minute parking, and had already been there for a half hour. And she was nervous about moving it, as she might get in trouble. I agreed that it really wasn't the best course of action. She finally asked me if I could move it, and I agreed to help her out.

Together we walked to the car. "It has a flat tire!" I said, upon inspection. She sheepishly said she knew. I hesitantly said that I guess I could move it to the sheriff's parking lot, but I was really nervous about driving on a flat tire, because it would ruin the car. We finally decided that the best thing we could do was drive her in my car to a family member's house in town so she could get help.

"What's your name?" she asked, once in the car. It was silly that we hadn't even gotten that far in the conversation.
"Crissi," I said. "What's yours?"
"Maricella. It's nice to meet you, Crissi" And she stuck her hand out and took mine.
"How old are you, Maricella?" I asked. She told me she was almost 16. She asked how old I was. I told her 28. She was surprised, telling me she thought I was only 19. Oh bless her!!! She had an earnestness about her. She was so brutally honest about her life, innocently so, and jabbered on and on about her family and boyfriend like it was all my business. She told me she had 5 sisters and one brother, ranging from 19 years to 5 months. She was excited about starting to work once she was 16 so she could have her own money, and talked about her cousin who was 17 and already was able to afford her own car. And she talked about how none of her family and friends liked her boyfriend.

"How long have you been with him?" I asked her. She said only 3 months, but they had known each other for 2 years. She asked why I had been at the courts, and I briefly told her that I was going through some custody and restraining order issues with my ex. She asked if he was in jail too, and I told her that he was, but he had been bailed out. I asked her why her boyfriend was in jail. She told me it was on domestic violence issues involving his last girlfriend, and some drug issues were threatening to complicate it. I told her about my past experience with my ex, and now he was doing the same to his new girlfriend. "And since I have children with him, I will never have him out of my life." I told her that I hesitated to stick my nose in her business, but I warned her that a man who has these issues never changes unless he gets the help he needs to overcome them. She swore that she had already informed him that if he hit her, she was gone and the police would be involved. I heard myself at 17 in her words. "Kind of a lot of stuff to be going through in a relationship that's so new, huh?" I mused. She agreed. And I let her know that even if she couldn't rescue his car, it was really his problem, and not hers.

I dropped her off at her cousin's house, and waited to drive away when I saw her go inside. I finished up the work I needed to do, taking pictures of houses, and then drove back to the courts to wrap up what I had initially come to do. Without butterflies, I marched into the law office, got the information from the past cases. And because the line was so long, I headed back home so I could finish getting them in order and organized for submitting first thing tomorrow morning. And then I am done until Monday.

I'm not really sure of the lesson I got from Maricella. It did make me think that if only Randy had been called out on what he was guilty of right when it started, maybe he'd be a different man today, and I never would have had to endure much of what I went through. And it made me confident that no matter what, I had to take all the action that was possible to ensure that the kids received the best possible future. Whether that includes their dad depends on him.

But as for Maricella, I pray that she received some sort of insight from me as to the future she faces with the man she is with, or others like him. I pray that I may have said the words that planted a seed of wisdom in her for a better life than the one she might be headed for. And I thank God for this welcome distraction who took away my nervousness and gave me strength.

Prayer

When someone asks me for prayers for them, sometimes I wonder what the point is. If God is going to make the world go round with His purpose, and everything happens for reasons only He knows, why would He change His mind because of my meek prayers? This is why I sometimes feel funny about asking people for prayers. A lot of times when something's big enough in my life that I seek outside help in pleading with God, I still feel foolish. God put those things in my path for a reason. He will remedy them (if that's His will), when the time is right. And asking Him for acceptance of such tasks? I know in my heart that He will grant that also when timing is right. Sometimes He just wants me to struggle. The questions I have regarding faith? Part of a bigger picture than I can grasp my mind around.

So what's the point of prayer? I came to a faithless conclusion recently that prayer is more for our needs than God's ears. Maybe we are praying to work things out inside of ourselves, to kind of brainwash ourselves into working things out on our own. Kind of hopeless, huh? Where does that leave our need for God? If God doesn't hear our prayers, and just does things on His own basis, how can we have a trusting relationship with Him?

And then there's the opposite side of the spectrum: freewill. God allows us to choose our own way, our own paths, to even sin freely. Consequences happen with every action, but we are in control of how those play out by what we choose to do with each choice. Where's God in this? Can we truly say that we are 100% absolutely in control of our lives? Yet again, this extreme leaves little room for a relationship with God.

A friendly blogger explained things to me in a different way. Both ways are true, our job is to land somewhere in the middle. Tony pointed out that though complex, God is not bound by time and sees all things at once. And yes, it still seems confusing. But he then added a visual that gave me a simpler way to think about it:

"It's like if I have my foot in a pond and some fish see it and freak out. To them, all they know is that I am in the pond. However, from my view I am both in the pond and outside of it. Suddenly I pull my foot out... did the fish stirring around my toe tickle me into doing it or did I simply decide to pull my foot out?

That's the real question of prayer."

I still need to reflect on this. I do pray all the time, but I've been trying to focus less on asking, and more on worshipping through prayer. I figured that even though God might be too big to hear my requests, at least I can thank Him for all He's blessed me with. And while this explanation that Tony gave me actually explains that God is NOT too big to help us when we ask, I also realize that maybe I need to give grace rather than asking for it.

Instructions for Life

Holy week

Yesterday was Palm Sunday, and it keeps running through my mind how things were 2,000 years ago. Jesus comes into the town of Jeruselem, a King on a donkey. The townspeople treated him like royalty. "Hosana" they cried, "Save us!". They laid their cloaks on the ground so that his donkey would not have to walk in the mud. They laid palms down, marking his path with high honor. Picturing it, I'm sure there were people crying as they cried out, hands outstretched to hopefully get even the faintest touch of this man they had been hearing so much about.

"Hosanna!"
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Blessed is the King of Israel!"

What made them change? What once were pleas for rescue and worship, 6 days later were demands for blood and torture, and death. "Crucify him!" Why? He was claiming to be the son of God. Yet days before, they had praised him as a king. But in that short amount of time, everything changed. There were no outstretched hands. There were no cries of "Hosana". There were no palms laid at his feet. Instead there was a crown of thorns. Instead they spat on him and threw things at him. The king they had honored days before was reduced to the lowest of criminals.

They shouted, "Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!"
"Shall I crucify your king?" Pilate asked.
"We have no king but Caesar," the chief priests answered.

---

When Lucas was a baby, I felt this desperate urge to seek out God again. But I couldn't do it on my own. I was introduced to the church I now go to, and discovered an intimacy with Jesus I had never experienced before. I will say here that you do not need a church to be this close to Jesus, he meets us wherever we seek him. For me, I sought him out in church. And he embraced me.

Through the years, I nurtured this relationship with Christ. He helped me through some very hard trials in my life: the stillbirth of my son, the abuse of my husband, the lonliness of my life, my divorce and the aftermath, and now, the regaining of my children through trials with their father. And I see it now that it was not me seeking him out, he sought me. I tremble to think of how things would have been had I not become reacquainted with him at the time that I did. For a year later, after our relationship was cemented, that is when I lost my son. How would things have been had I not had a close relationship with Jesus? I would have died. Literally died. The pain would have been too immense. And I would have hated God for taking my son away. I would not have understood. I would have hated God, and I would have died with that hate intwined in my soul. And if I didn't die then, the torpedoes that followed afterwards wold have surely killed me. But Jesus knew the details of my life so well that he sought me out so that I would not have been alone when tragedy struck. Non-believers would surely ask why God would strike such suffering on my life to begin with. Why does suffering have to take place at all? How can a merciful God torment his people? There is no one short answer. Each person's trials are for different purposes. But the basis for suffering is growth. If life on earth was perfect, no cause for pain and suffering, we would have no need for Jesus. And our growth would be stunted. What would we strive for if there was nothing to overcome? Once I overcame my son's death and all that followed, I came out stronger than ever, in my faith, as a person, and for others who needed me to comfort them as I had once been comforted.

But I am one of those townspeople. My life got comfortable. Once I cried out to Jesus, "Save me!" I pleaded with him to take away my pain. He didn't, not right away. Instead he saved me by helping to give me the tools to handle the pain and triumph over what used to be obstacles. I pleaded with him to make my marriage better. He didn't. Instead he gave me a loving expample of what a marriage should be by placing me back in the safety of my parent's home. I pleaded with him to give me money. He didn't. Instead he taught me about needs and wants, and I saw that I had all I needed, and wanted for nothing. And through all this I was pleased. But in times of extreme comfort, I pleaded for nothing. Not even the intimacy I had with Jesus. Jesus was my Santa Claus, I asked for what I wanted for my life. And when it was well, I left him to be crucified.

I did this. I made my life. I am well because I have taken the necessary means to save myself. Jesus? Yeah, he's just some man who once lived. Sure, I treated him as holy when I needed. But now that things are great, I don't really need him right now. Besides, he keeps getting in my way when I want to do the things I want to do, he keeps disagreeing with me over what I should be doing. I know what is right for my life, I got myself this far, right?

"Crucify him!"

"Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

Jesus, you are my Lord. You lived as a holy example for my life. You lived so that I could experience intimacy with God. And you suffered and died so that I could be with you one day. When I deny you, I am denying your holiness, and how much I need you in all aspects of my life. I am sorry. You honor me a million times more than I have ever attempted to honor you. And though I could never get close to the multitude of your grace, I have not been even trying to praise you with all I am capable of. I am here because of you. It is through you that all things in my life are possible. And I plead with you now for that desperation for you in all I do. Lord, I am at your mercy. May I crucify you no longer. Amen.

In the news today....

An ancient manuscript rediscovered after 1,700 years takes a "contrarian" view of the relationship between Jesus and Judas, the disciple who handed him over for crucifixion.

Instead of portraying Judas Iscariot as a traitor, as the canonical gospels of the New Testament do, this document — the Gospel of Judas — indicates that he acted at the request of Jesus to help him shed his earthly body.

Read more....

Interesting.

And in other news.....

Combining evidence of a cold snap 2,000 years ago with sophisticated mapping of the Sea of Galilee, Israeli and U.S. scientists have come up with a theory for how Jesus could have walked on water.

Their theory: It may have been floating ice.

Read more...

If this article is true, will this hurt your faith? Will you claim that science is lying, even if all proof is in the ice? Or will you believe it to be true, and then doubt the holiness of Jesus? Can science and faith coexist?

America, the atheist country

My dear Buddhist friend forwarded this to me, and I thought it refreshing enough to pass on....

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary, Sunday, 12/18/05.

Here at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my
beating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are.
I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am
buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers
at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are
either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they
are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I
don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I
am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and
Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no longer young,
it's not so bad.

Next confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.
And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call
those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't
feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what
they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when
people say "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are
slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters
celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all
that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection
near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's
just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't
think Christians like getting pushed around for being
Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired
of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the
concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist
country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like
it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: Where did the idea come from
that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed
to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.

But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and
Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her, "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorist attacks, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide.) We said an expert should know what he's
talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says!

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?