Don't you care?!

I couldn't comment on Rick's blog, so I am commenting blog style.....

"...don't you care if we drown?" Mark 4:38

Because we cannot see God face to face, it is hard at times when we are struggling to know if God is concerned about our suffering. And even though we can find comfort in the fact that He sees the bigger picture and the plan He has for us, us meek humans only see the situation at hand and wish to be out of it. "Don't you care?!" I've screamed that more times than I can count. And when I reach the other side, I can see that God was with me the whole time, and He had a plan. And I love that He allows us to question Him even still, even when He always proves to know what He's doing by allowing us our trials.

"Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:40

I'm trying Lord, I"m trying.....

God is love, and He loves us

I haven't written here in a while. And that fact has not escaped me. But it seems that most of what I want to write here is not stuff that many people want to read. And if this is a public blog, why write things that do not inspire other people's beliefs? But today I will write.

Today my son stayed home from school with a fever. Secretly, I love when he is sick and gets to stay home because I get that one on one time with him. And when he is sick, he wants love and affection, and is just so mellow. I put him down for a nap around noon, and he took a two and a half hour nap, another bonus of him being sick. And during that time, I tried to take one myself, as I'm kind of sick too. But not really being one to nap, I probably nodded off for about 5 minutes, and then spent the rest of the time just thinking as I lay in bed. And soon I found myself thinking about Jesus.

There are a lot of fears I have about religion, and especially belonging to a religion that says they are the only true religion in the world. That takes a lot of moxie to claim such a thing. And yet, religions all over the world claim this to be so about their beliefs. So with all these religions claiming their way is the only way to get to God, well it leaves a lot of confusion and turmoil in its wake. Did you know there are holy wars going on? That they've been going on for hundreds of years? Of course you did. And it makes sense when you think about it, when everyone is fighting that their religion is the one true religion. An Afghanistan man is on trial for converting from Islam to Christianity. He says he still believes in the almighty Allah, but cannot say for sure who God really is. "I am," he says, "a Christian and I believe in Jesus Christ." Now he must fight for his life because of what he believes in.

And what makes me sad about this, not to mention that a man might face death over Jesus, but that we as Christians tend to do this, or are accused of this. I'm not talking about condemning a man to death in this life, but condemning others to death in the next life. Christ taught love, he ate with tax collectors. He surrounded himself with sinners. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17 It is no secret how much trouble I am having with who gets to go to Heaven and who doesn't. If it were my way, we would get into Heaven based on our life and deeds here, not on blind faith. The thing is, I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. And as hard as I try to ignore it, this belief is a part of me and always will be. But what if I had been born Muslim? Would I feel God as Allah, feel it in my whole soul, be able to back it up with miracles in my life, and never know this man they call Jesus as my Savior? If I did hear of Jesus, would I only view Him as a neat guy to maybe model my life after, sort of like a prophet, and not as my Savior? And what scares me is, do I see it this way now?

Right before Lucas woke up, I found myself talking to Jesus, just as I was having these exact fears and doubts. And as I realized that I was praying to Jesus as I simultaneously was fearing what the absolute truth was of Him, the irony did not escape me. And I thanked Him for allowing me the freedom to question Him, and still be with me. And I realized that while I will not condemn others with different beliefs, I can never dispute in my own life who my Lord and Savior is, and I never want to feel what it might be like to not feel Him, hear Him, talk to Him, and feel blessed by Him.

I opened my book, The Barbarian Way, and began trying to catch up in the book that my homegroup had already finished (I think). And in it, the author is inwardly struggling with his son who is questioning God. And the author describes struggle after struggle this preacher's boy is having. At the age of 14, the boy finally tells his dad that if he had not been born a Christian, he probably would not be one. And I sat there open mouthed, reading what a pastor has admitted about his own son in a book available to many. And I was shocked that the members of my own church were encouraging this book that was full of, even just slightly, some controversial and edgy details. It is no secret that I have felt this very way. And I know that while I admit it more than most, everyone goes through these kinds of troubling thoughts, fears, and doubts.

Lucas woke up finally and joined me in my bed as I read. And he asked me if the book I was reading had any pictures. I kind of flipped through and showed him the picture at the beginning of the next chapter. And though I knew that this material would really be no interest to him, I asked him if he'd like me to read to him. I figured if anything, it would give him an excuse to wake up fully and be cuddled, and be soothed just by my voice. He said yes. So I read. And the part I read talked about how in old times, "Barbarians" came in to convert others to Christianity, Roman Catholicism to be exact, and ended up taking the fire out and creating a domesticated church. And it talked about how many churches become more like businesses and teach the law rather than how to have a relationship with God. It talked about God's own revolt 2,000 years ago against Judaism, the religion He created, by changing things through His son, Jesus. It talked about the sins of the church in Jesus' time, how forgiveness was bought to absolve sins. And this was the one time that Jesus went from being gentle and loving, and He became angry and violent. And he urged the church to destroy their temple and just follow God, and that their temple would be built up again in three days time. And that it was fitting when the "Temple of God", Jesus, was destroyed, so was the curtain in the earthly temple, from top to bottom. And as I read this, I wondered just what Lucas was hearing, and if he was getting anything out of this. And part of me even hoped that he was oblivious to the words and was just listening to the voice, as this particular section was really coming down hard on churches. But then I read something amidst all this....

"Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."

And at this, Lucas looked up at me.

"Mommy, God is love, and He loves us."

And at that, it came back to the simplicity of God, the part we can easily understand when we have a pure relationship with Him. God is love and He loves us. Of all this, this is what my son had heard. I don't have the answers to all the things that trouble me about what I'm being taught about Him. I don't think I even want to know. I would rather live in God's love, share just that and not the condemnation, and accept without guilt those in my life who's beliefs differ from mine.

For God is love, and He loves us.

Easy as 1, 2, . . . 3

(from Chicken Soup for the Soul)

We had gone to a movie, and he was walking me to the door. Just as I was about to go inside, something stopped me and I turned around. He was smiling a little, and the stars in the background twinkled as if to say, "Go for it!" We both leaned in carefully and our lips met. My stomach was doing cartwheels of joy - it was the perfect first kiss.
Wait a minute! That wasn't my first kiss - the last time I've seen anything that flawless was in the movies.
No, my first kiss was not touched by the twinkle of the stars or perfect movie timing, though I had dreamed about it long enough to hope that it would be. In my dreams, my lips met a boy's in perfect sync, our eyes closed and our hearts pulsed together at hyperspeed. Plenty of other girls my age had already started kissing, and they all made it sound so easy. Even though I had imagined all the details of that moment in my mind, I hadn't considered the possibility that I wasn't really ready for the real deal. Instead of imagining it as a personal thing that I would have to grow into, I treasured kissing as a step toward growing up, one that all girls must do at the same age.
I didn't realize how wrong I was until I finally had my first kiss.
My first boyfriend and I were watching a movie. It seemed like the classic setup for a kiss - watching a movie alone with a boy I thought I really liked. So why was I so shocked when he suddenly moved toward me, apparently hoping for more than just a hug? Why did I feel so uncomfortable and unprepared? When my lips met his, it felt like they were fumbling around in the dark, clueless and confused - and I didn't like it.
In my cloud of confusion, I tried to make sense of my feelings. My friends all knew how to kiss and they liked it - at least they made it sound that way. After feeling so unsure about my first kiss, I became scared of trying it again.
Hoping to buy some time over the kissing confusion, I talked to my boyfriend about it. "Maybe we could just take it a little slower," I suggested. I told him I just didn't feel ready to kiss, but it wasn't because I didn't like him. I simply wasn't comfortable with all that lip-locking. He didn't get it - he said he didn't really understand why kissing, of all things, was an issue.
I was shocked. So he was just like the rest, who believed that kissing was something that everyone our age did with no problem. He couldn't believe that I would somehow be uncomfortable with it. I had thought that he was a boy I could trust and be respected by, and I didn't want to change myself or force myself to kiss him just so I could have a boyfriend.
Obviously he didn't want a girl who was honest with him like I was, and so we broke up - which hurt a lot at the time. It made no sense that a boy could like me one minute and then ditch me the next, just because I wasn't ready for kissing. I trusted my feelings though, and I believed that when the time was right, the kissing would be, too.
A few years later, the time was finally right. I had been seeing a new guy who had a different attitude and personality from my first boyfriend. I started to think that maybe not only was the time right for the kiss, but the boy was right, too. After hearing about my kissing phobia, he had not run in the other direction laughing. One night under the stars, while saying good night to him, I noticed that my stomach was no longer telling me No! As I gazed into his eyes, wondering if after we kissed I would feel comfortable about it, he sweetly offered to meet me halfway.
"Emily," he said, holding my hand, "how about this? I'll count to three. I'll just count to three, and we'll kiss."
I smiled and felt relief push me closer toward him. "Okay," I replied.
And then, in the most understanding voice, he counted: "One, two, . . . three." We leaned forward, eyes closed, and we kissed. Instead of looking at him in shock afterward, I wrapped my arms around him. It was the only way I knew to thank him for such a wonderful moment. To know that someone could care about me and respect me enough to go at my pace made me happier than if I had been kissing boy after boy for many years.
The wait for the right kiss had seemed so long, but now I can trust that it was worth it. The kiss we counted out that night was better than the movies and the kisses my friends had been having, because at the heart of it was deep caring and respect.
Finally, when everything seemed right, kissing was as easy as one, two, . . . three.

Written by Emily A. Malloy (Chicken Soup for the Girl's Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Hansen and Irene Dunlap)

Worship

Here I am Lord, naked before you. Nose to nose. Heart to heart. Your life surrounding mine. Nobody around, no distractions. It's just you and me. Intimate. Feeling. Serene. Holy. I'm laying down my burdens to get as close to you as possible. And though you and I both know that some of those burdens, maybe all of them, will be picked up again by me, just for this moment we are dancing one on one. There is no need for forgiveness right now. There is no need for any of my humble requests of you. It's just you and me, you enjoying your creation, me enjoying my creator. Our breath combined to create one inhale and one exhale. It is here that I am holy, sharing in some small way what you are. I will never consider myself perfect, though in you, I am. To live in this worship forever, to be surrounded in your glory without end, this must be my small glimpse of Heaven. I praise you Lord. Thank you for being big enough to create me, and small enough for me to touch you. I could fall at your feet, but in this moment, you are looking in my eyes and loving me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Hell and the non-believer

Thomas, I actually was in debate, throwing out another point of view, on a different and seperate diary of mine. And this was just from that debate. And through that discussion, I shared this:

I am not condemning scripture. And I know I am not a scholar of scripture. I am a child in faith.
How many things in the bible have been changed through translation? This is why sometimes I have a hard time reading the whole bible and claiming it to be the absolute word of God, from beginning to end, because WHAT CAME FROM GOD, AND WHAT CAME FROM MAN, through accidental or deliberate error? I know that the true bible came from God, but it's like a game of telephone. It is repeated and repeated, through language to language, changes made to easily understand it better, then changed more from those translations, until what it ends up being is completely different from what it was originally. I do not believe the bible to be a lie, understand. It is a book of our history, of Jesus, a guide to our way to live. I try to read it every day, and seek guidance from it. But there are definite additions and discrepencies to the word of God.

Yes, I believe that Jesus died on the cross to save us. I believe that those of us with faith will be saved and will join Him in Heaven. It says this multiple times in the bible, and I believe it to be true. I do believe in some sort of hell for those that live their lives in grotesque sinful ways without abandon, and hate against God our father. But I cannot believe that someone who is truly good but raised in a different faith will end up burning in hell. And is hell that? I don't know. Maybe hell, as some people put it, is simply seperation from God. And for those of us who know Him, that IS hell. But what of the person who was already seperated from Him? And then, what of those that honor God, but do not know Jesus? And what of those men and women of the past who lived and died, never once hearing the name of Jesus? And what about babies who die? Are they saved? Do they know Jesus? We don't know. But if they don't, are they damned?

I just can't believe that God would severely punish someone for being born into a situation where their religion is different from Christianity, and to even think otherwise would be considered sinful to them. How many different religions are there out there that condemn other religions entirely, and to think differently would condemn them to death? If we would never think to change our belief in Jesus Christ lest we be sent to hell, how are we to expect those of other faiths to risk damnation through what they've been taught in their lifelong religion to be sinful, and certain to send them to perjury? God placed people in the families they are in, the faiths they are in, the customs they are in. And then he kills them forever for where he placed them? Yes, there is such thing as conversion, but it is too scary for many people to even consider. And some never had the chance.

I share Jesus, whenever I get the chance. I do not hide my faith, and I live by it. But I do not condemn. I live as an unashamed Christian, but I do not shove it down people's throat. My faith is my life, and I talk about it with passion. I hope that there are people who have seen my witness and know Jesus through my life. But I don't hope this for their salvation, I hope this so that they know the joy and peace I feel in my life every day. I am able to handle anything thrown my way because Jesus is there to guide me. Pain, hatred, condemnation, all of it is handled through my Lord. And I want that for others. I think that is the best reason to know Jesus, not for fear of damnation. Through love, faith becomes real.

And to this, a friend put it so eloquently:
"*sigh* this is a tough one.
I can see both sides of the arguments.
I guess we all have to hedge our bets somehow.
It does make me wonder though, did God foresee that these people would be hard of heart and not accept Jesus as their Saviour?
I have to believe that he is just and merciful and I will not judge anyone. We will not be the ones who decides who goes to heaven or hell. That is God's decision. So I'll leave that one with him and concentrate on my faith and getting my life in order :)"

It is perfectly plausible that non-believers are sent to some sort of hell. And I agree that it must break God's heart for people to deny His and/or His son's existance. But it also is so very hard to understand, and to accept from a loving God who creates our existance in the first place.

Imprisoned

Last week at church, I was inroduced to the concept of serving in Prison Ministries. Oh sure, I'd heard of it before. But last week, I felt God tugging at me, almost like he was sitting next to me...

Nudge nudge. "Psst, hey Crissi"
"Quiet God, I'm listening to Andy speak."
"Psst, Crissi"
"What"
"You should do this."
"What? Me Lord? No, I'm a little too innocent to work with hardened criminals."
"No, seriously. You should do this."
"Lord, no offense here, can you stop talking? I want to listen to this."

And I left the conversation and went on with my week.

Last night, there was good old Andy again. And I was all attention. And the Lord knew I would push him away if he sat next to me again. So he sat Kristie next to me instead.

"Psst Crissi"
"What."
"You should do this."
"What?"
"It's funny, my pull is towards our mission trips to Cambodia. And I don't feel pulled to do this. But if you want to do this, you totally should."
"Um, I'll think about it."
"Well, pray on it, ok?"

Now, I never mentioned to Kristie that this particular calling was being pressed into my soul. Not once. In fact, I haven't talked to Kristie for ages. But it's like she knew. And I never gave her any clue that I was thinking about this.

Later that evening, Lori started talking to me about this, and we both got into a conversation with Andy. And I admitted that I was feeling God telling me to go forward, but I was scared. You see, I'm a pretty trusting person. And I love people. And I see the good in them. But this also leaves me open for being taken advantage of. And I'm afraid that first off, someone I am ministering to will see right through me, will call me on my shit, will tell me I'm full of it. Secondly, I'm afraid that someone will use my sympathy and play on it to take advantage of me. Third, I'm afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone altogether. Fourth, I'm afraid of committing myself to something that may take up more time that I don't have.

But I also know that I am not living up to my beliefs. My belief is that it is not enough to believe. We must do for others. I still stand by my last post, as controversial as it is. (And I know that there is scripture, Jesus' own words, that rebukes my statements. I'd rather not struggle) But I also know that I will share my Jesus to the ends of the earth because life with Him is like being in love a million times over, and everyone should get that opportunity. Everyone should get the opportunity to know what it's like to stand nose to nose with Jesus, singing to him from your soul, and feeling Him intertwined with their whole being. "And it's just you and me, here now. Only you and me here now."

In the Buddhist religion, it is their ultimate goal to one day reach that point of enlightenment, to feel God so close that their very souls are entwined with His. And it is their belief that this is a very difficult task, near impossible, and only the most disciplined Buddhist will ever achieve this. But I experience this. As a Christian, we have that privilege of knowing Jesus in such an intimate way that He envelops us. There are times when I am so "enlightened" (if you will), that I am alone in a room full of worshippers, my eyes closed, and Jesus surrounds me to the point of I don't know where I end and He begins.

Do I dare share this? Do I dare hold the hands of a woman, lost in the world, and tell her the hope and fulfillment and joy and answers she's been seeking is all there for her in a man named Jesus? Am I strong enough? Yes. The Lord is my sword, my shield, my warm blanket to comfort and soothe. With Him, in Him, of Him, I will fulfill his calling on my life, and in the lives of others.

Different

I know this is going to get me backlash. Please, for those of you who I know are going to comment here saying I am wrong, understand that my faith is not suffering, and even in the Lord we are allowed different views and opinions. And I probably will not respond to any comments on this entry. My blog here, though I hope that it reaches others and inspires them to have faith in God, is not a tool to teach Christianity as law. It is my space to think "outloud". My faith is strong, my heart is glad and rejoices in the Lord, especially with the freedom I have experienced in Him. I am truly in love with the Lord.

What has inspired this post is reading an article by this girl named Julie, all about her messy faith in Christianity. In a lot of ways, she spoke things that I am afraid to talk about in some circles. But I'm tired of being ashamed about my beliefs, feeling like a failure because I have a different point of view on the bible and on Christianity. And a lot of time I feel like a fraud in church because my thinking is so different.

As a Christian, the hardest part to swallow is the fact that we are taught that our loving God will send those to hell that do not believe in Jesus, when it is hard for many to believe the supernatural things that surround Jesus' life (virgin birth, miracles, walking around three days after his death). If I hadn't been born Christian, growing up with the history of Jesus' life, I'm not so sure I'd believe in Jesus myself. So why, when the stories in the bible seem so fantastic, and there are so many religions out there that get to the same place of God, will we go to Hell if we don't believe in Jesus? I just can't buy it anymore. I believe in Jesus, I believe in Him as my Savior, but I do not believe that God really means for non-believers to go to Hell. What if we all go to the same place regardless of our beliefs? What if we are the wrong ones, and are destined to hell because we are not following the "right" religion? What of it then? How, when the ages and man has tampered with religion so very much, are we supposed to know the ins and outs of God and His requirements of our beliefs? Sure, the answer to that could be that we know what is in our hearts, but if this is the only religion that we've ever known? What else would be in our hearts? What if nobody is right about what we are to believe in, and really we all get to the very same place when the end comes?

I'll repeat myself here to remind you that my belief in Jesus is strong. Do not take away from that. But I refuse to teach my child that her Jewish friends and Jewish teacher are going to Hell. I don't want to believe that the man who studied Buddhism and lived a peaceful, loving, and giving life, is going to be tortured after death. I cannot believe that Jesus would force his life on others through threats of fire and damnation. I want people to know Jesus because He loves them so very much, that he died for believers, non-believers, givers, sinners, murderers, homosexuals, Buddhists, Jews, the whole Taliban, everyone. I want them to know Jesus because life with Him as their focus is so much more fulfilling. Not knowing Jesus' love, yes it's unfortunate. I would not want my life without it. But I believe life is about being the best person you can be in everything, and that we all will get to the same place in the end. I'm much freer now.

Jesus

When you look at the life Jesus lived…
You don’t find Jesus distracted.
You don’t find Jesus rushed.
You don’t find Jesus worried.
You don’t find Jesus having to do it all.
You don’t find Jesus living with guilt.

-Rob Bell

Riley Marshall Dillon

Riley Marshall Dillon was born between 6:30 and 6:50 PM. He weighs 9 lbs 2 oz, and is 21 1/2 inches long. Nikki and Riley are doing fine, as far as I've heard. Randy still hasn't called me or the kids with the news (I know he has a lot going on, no worries), but his mom has been keeping me posted throughout the day. Apparently Nikki did get to active labor, and was pushing. But the baby was turned the wrong way, or something, and it was causing nothing to happen. Thus the emergency C-section. But all is good now.

Prayer needed!!!

Nikki, Randy's girlfriend, is in the hospital right now having Summer and Lucas' baby brother. She went in last night to have her cervix softened and dialated. But I just heard from my mother-in-law that at 5 pm today, they decided that the baby just wasn't going to come on its own. I'm not sure if Nikki actually got to labor, though I'm sure she had to experience contractions. Contractions brought on by induction are extremely strong, and they hurt. Now she is going through an emergency C-section. Any and all prayers are needed to put the Lord's blessings and protection on baby Riley and Nikki.

Father Lord, I ask for your gentle hands to guide the surgeon, and to give Nikki strength and take away any fears she might be having right now. I ask for all things to go smoothly with no complications. And Lord, if it is in your will, please speak to Nikki's heart and soothe her hatred of me. Help her understand I wish only peace and happiness for her, and for some sort of friendship to develop between us, for all this to take place so that our stresses will be gone. But mostly, I ask for your all powerful protection over Nikki and the baby, that no stress jeapordizes their health. All this I ask in your name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

The love for a child

I love my kids so much! Upon having kids, I suddenly realized that it really is possible, in those special circumstances, to fall in love at first sight. And if I thought I loved them then, well, what I feel know is undescribable. For I love my kids more and more every single day, and my heart is so full that sometimes I just look at them and feel like my heart is gong to burst. All my kids have to do sometime is give me one of their infamous sheepish grins, and my eyes just want to well up with tears.

I am having an especially wonderful time with my son. I say this, not because I am playing favorites here, but because for awhile there, my son was a very difficult little boy to love. He was wild, rude, uncontrollable. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. If we went to the grocery store, it was like his sole purpose was to embarass me as much as possible. I would look at other parents of 4 year olds, and be envious of how they stood with their mommies, and listened the first time, as my son ran all over the place and acted as goofy as possible. And despite all this, I did love my son tremendously. I wanted what was best for him. And I wanted him to grow up to be a fine young man with great values and responsibility. And I worried that somehow I was failing with him, and he'd grow up like (*gasp*) his father. I've never had this problem with my daughter. As pre-teenish as she's been lately, she's always been one who understood that I am the mom and she is the daughter, and what I say, goes.

But then Lucas changed. Almost overnight. It's like he turned 5 years old, and suddenly decided that the way he was behaving was not how a 5 year old behaved. He is now listening when told. He stays calm when he needs to, understanding that there is time for play and goofing off, and time for listening and being serious. I can trust him now, sure that he won't be purposefully ruining things in the house. I know that when I tell him to do something, or not to do something, he will listen. It's like he understands the rules of the house, and has decided to abide by them. He is suddenly more loving to everyone, even at school. His teachers have been singing his praises!

And the funny thing is, when I go to his dad's house, it's like he is a different boy. The rules are different there, as there are no consistent ones. I'm not bashing his dad here, it's just the way things are. When I go to pick up the kids, Lucas is absolutely out of control. In the past, it would take days for me to get him back under control and back to "normal". But the past few weeks, it's like he knows that once he enters my car, he's part of a different household and must act accordingly.

I'm hoping that one day he will grow so much that he will be wonderful at both houses. Truth is, there's no harm in the way things are now. He has lots of uninhibited fun at his dad's house, because his dad can handle the noise level and craziness much better than I can, and even contributes to it (another story, much bashing). And he has fun here, I do not limit that. But he learns manners and respect for others here, and it seems that it has suddenly sunk in. The pessimist in me keeps waiting for him to forget all this good behavior. But he's kept it up since just before his birthday at the beginning of the month, so I think he's just growing.

I have a friend who has a 6 year old with severe behavioral problems. And she comes to me for advice, and there are times when I am at a loss for words on how to handle him. But this I know and share with her, love conquers all. If he knows that she loves him and would do anything for him, he will be more apt to please her. But if he's being yelled at constantly, and his discipline is so sporadic that he never knows when he'll get in trouble, he'll be as unstable as the world he lives in. Sometimes it's just as simple as that. I know when Lucas gets difficult, sometimes a hug speaks much more volumes than yelling. I've learned how to effectively parent and discipline my kids with little to no yelling, and our household is much more peaceful because of it.

And this is my religion of love.

Love speaks much more than rules and rules being placed on one's head. I believe my son listens to me because he does not question my love for him. I have become much better about my quality time with him, loving him more than getting on him about stuff. I am definitely consistent in my rules for him, and he has shown me that he undestands. I believe my son is now behaving, not just because he is growing up and maturing (though that is definitely part of it), but he is doing it because he loves me and wants to please me.

God loves us much more than we love our kids, and more than they love us. When I think of it that way, it is indescribable. How can God love me that much, when my love for my kids is so enormous? And knowing that, knowing God's unfathomable love for me, I want to please him and do for him and for his creations. Knowing the love I have for my kids gives me a glimpse into what he feels for me, and makes me love him even more. And it also helps me understand that all the hard times I went through, and all the heartache that has resulted from bad decisions I've made, it has all been God's love for me. He disciplines me because he loves me, and wants the best for me. "do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." Proverbs 3:11-12 He wants to help shape me, because a perfect life will not teach me anything. And I love him even more because of my hard times, and it helps me to get through those times easier now, because he is with me every step of the way. This I know. Just as I am there with my kids, not letting them fall, but supporting them in times of need, God is there unfailingly with me. At times when it kills me that I must bite my tongue, God is there, letting me know that he knows how hard it is, but how proud he is of me for doing so. At times when I have actually let temptation pass me by, I feel how pleased he is of me.

I think the most wonderful part of having kids, is understanding God's love for me through my great love for them. "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure." 1 John 3:1-3 Oh man, I am feeling love today! Thank you God for the love you have given me, and the reminders you place in my everyday life to let me know unquestionably that you love me as your child.

Judgment: Our's vs. God's

It seems to me that I've spent a lot of time and energy passionately posting about judgment and the spiritual walk in other people's blogs, instead of flowing out of my own blog. This topic is something I am fervently passionate about: how our judgment of others has no place in this world, only God's judgment matters; Christs religion of love vs. man's religion of law; and how our spritual paths to Jesus are very different from the person next to us, and that's ok. While looking up scripture on judgment, I came across a brilliant scripture in Romans...

Romans 14: The Weak and the Strong
Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. It is written:
" 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord,
'every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.' " So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

This speaks volumes! I read this scripture over and over, and was just in awe. It's all right there. The food is the metaphor for our life. One person's feast is another's forbidden fruit. Who are we to say what another person's feast must be? And at the same time, we know what is right and what is not for our own life. It's always apparent. And we are in control of that. But we are not in control of someone else's path. They know what is right and what is not, and it is between them and God what they choose to do with that knowledge.

I am an avid celebrator of the religion of love. I am not against the law of Christianity, don't get me wrong. God wants us to be obedient to Him, and that includes following His law. But most important of all, God loves us, and wants us to love Him. And because He loves us, He saved us through His son. The most known scripture in all the Bible is John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." But it goes on..... "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son." John 3:17-18. It does not say we will not get into Heaven if we do not follow God's laws, if we are sinners. It says we are saved through Jesus. God loves us, imperfect as we are. We are saved through Jesus. This is why Jesus died on the cross, He took our sins and placed them on His body, He suffered and died and rose three days later, and all so that we could live eternally with Him, the Father, Son, the Holy Ghost. AMEN!

And beyond that, the most important thing is for us to develop an intimate relationship with Jesus, and share that amazing love with others so that they know, they know just how wonderful our Jesus is, how loving and forgiving and holy our Lord is. When we as Christians point our little bony fingers at others and claim that their lives are not worthy of the Lord by condemning the very person they have only known themselves to be, how exactly are they supposed to discover that amazing love? "...make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." Love. Love. Love. It's God's heartbeat, He wants US. He wants our NEIGHBOR. Condemnation never won any battles, it certainly won't win any souls. There are people out there who are running the other way from Jesus, certain He HATES them because of the way He has been portrayed. We are God's warriors, how are we doing Him justice? Are we pointing fingers, or offering embraces? It matters not to us how someone's life looks. It matters how we helped them to know the Lord and love Him as we love Him. Let God be in the details, not us. We are not God. When we force our visions on someone else, we are telling God we do not trust Him to work in that person's life. We can nurturingly guide, we can use God's truth in a loving way rather than a spiteful weapon. But we shall not steer according to our truths.

We are warriors of Christ, but this is the battle for peace and love, the way of Jesus Christ. Remember, it's for Him, not for us.

Depression and Suicide

I came home from picking up Lucas at school today, and my mom met me in the kitchen with a very sober look on her face. She told me that she had just gotten done talking with her friend Theresa. I immediately asked what had happened, because talks with this woman usually result in a funny story, or my mom still on the phone for hours. But today, Theresa had news that her brother had killed himself by gunshot, her second brother to do so.



Winter is the darkest season of the month. It's cold, it's dreary, you're forced inside for much longer hours, sometimes all day. For people with depression, winter is the season that is dreaded. Years ago, I went through my depression, and winter was pure hell. My house seemed like a dungeon. Nothing gave me hope. Everything was a burden or too much a of a hassle. Death seemed all around me. And I wished for it. I fantasized about what it would be like just to end it all. And seriously, the only thing stopping me was my fear of what would happen to my kids when I was gone. I know this is why many depressed mothers take their kids lives when they are suicidal, so that they haven't abandoned them.



But the thing about people who are depressed and suicidal, they don't ask for help. Partly it's because they don't want the attention on them. Partly it's due to denial about there being a problem with them. Partly it's because they don't want anyone to stop them because they feel it's the only way to end their pain. Reading stories in the paper recently about the teenage suicides that have taken place in our county, it took everyone by surprise. They never expected these kids to take such a turn. But there were always some clues. And yes, they're easy to overlook.



At www.hopeline.com, they describe the bleakness of depression and why some turn to suicide in easy to understand terms:

"The bleakness of the landscape is unimaginable. It is as friendless and alien as a Dali painting. Ordinary concerns, such as work or friends, have no place here. Futility muffles thought; time elongates cruelly. Who is to blame for this situation? Those with depression think it must be them. Pointlessness and self-loathing govern them. So the natural final step is suicide. People with depression don’t kill themselves to frighten an errant boyfriend. They kill themselves because it is the obvious and right thing to do at that point. It is the only positive step they can think of."

So what are the red flags that you might be depressed? Sometimes they are barely noticeable. Life seems uninteresting, bland, with no hope. Keeping in touch with friends is an effort, so you stop. Things you used to love to do, they just don't do anything for you anymore. It almost seems pointless to get out of bed at all. You are more tired than anything, and everything seems to take extra effort. Just thinking about getting up off the couch and doing something leaves you feeling mentally exhausted. Your patience is worn thin, and you find yourself snapping. Or you just don't react at all. You may want to cry all the time, or just feel like nothing. You've lost or gained a significant amount of weight. But food just doesn't taste as good.



Or they're big warning signs. Like you fantasize about death. You think about how it will be done. It consumes your thoughts. You may have already gotten the materials together....

Suicide is never the right answer. It seems that way, but it's the end with no turning back. So many times when someone has taken their own life, many talk about if they had only known they would have helped. If anything, counseling through a therapist or faith counselor is your best option. Talking about your pain is the easiest way to relieve your pain. And if more steps need to be taken, there is someone there to help you through the process.



If someone you know is showing signs of withdrawing from life, please be there for them. Love your friends, your family, your neighbor by paying attention. My friend will never have her brother back. The pain that he has left behind is enormous. So many people are devastated by his loss, and it can not be overturned. Suicide is not the answer.



Someone else's life may be hanging by the very string you are holding.....

Accountability vs. Judgment

Accountability is hard for me. My church does this thing called "accountability partners". I think it's lame. It seems like such a faddish thing to do in our church. I'd never heard this term before, and suddenly everyone was talking about accountability. And these are people who I don't believe have any real sins. It sounded to me like this big AA movement. And it sounded like my Catholic days, when we had to confess to a priest.

My whole thing is, confession is to God. And if you need to speak to another human about it, so be it. But confession is to God. Maybe partnering in accountability works for some people, but all I saw was people wanting to be held accountable for how many times they opened their bibles. Lame.

Anyway, I was asked to do accountability, and I've had my resevervations about it. It's been a struggle to stay consistant and true to the format. But it's also been a blessing, because I've shared parts of my life that I've never shared before, and it has opened my eyes to behaviors I need to change, big and small, and ones I never would have paid attention to before. I still believe the truest form of accountability and confession is between us and Christ, but I can also see that by admitting certain aspects outloud can draw attention to those things we must change.

There are some things we must remember when going through accountability. First and foremost is confidentiality. Trust must be built for true accountability to take place. How can someone share their struggles with someone they cannot trust? And how can you fully trust your partner when you aren't being trustworty? The second is judgment. Matthew 7:1-2 says, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Do you have your own struggles, or have you gone through struggles before you became wise? So is, and must, your partner. The other part of that is we are not God. We do not know what exactly is right for this person's life. Our jobs as accountability partners is to use GOD'S truth, His Word, to hold our partner accountable. Our personal opinions are neither here nor there. Which brings me to this: Galatians 6:1-2 says, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." We are to watch our own lives, be there for our partner, but do not be swept up in the struggle. Use the Truth, the Word.

For every day, every action, one must ask themselves, "what would Jesus do?" Yes, it's become cliche, but it's true. My dad, not a church goer, but a definite disciple of Christ, reminds me of this whenever I am going through an inner struggle. And it's a saying I need tattooed to my eyelids. What would Jesus do? Jesus would speak the truth plainly when it came to right and wrong, but use the Word and His father to do so. I am not God, I cannot give my personal opinion. But I can help my partner by holding her accountable to whether she is leading her life in a Godly sense by using the Word and God the father, Jesus the son.

Every now and then, I get these negative feelings regarding accountability, that I really don't want to be a part of it, especially when choices my partner makes do not match what I would do in my life, snd when she is still refusing to be held accountable for some things she should really look at. But than I realize, am I better than my partner? No. Did I go through my own struggles, and am I struggling every single day between the battle of my will and God's will? Yes. I am ashamed. How dare I look at her struggles and not want to be around them. How dare I judge her. How dare I act like God, thinking I know what is exactly right for her life, or take away from the lessons she must learn. How dare I take all the lessons I've learned (and am still learning) and run with them, unwilling to give back. We go through things for a reason, and my life history was why she asked me to be her accountability partner. How dare I deny her my experiences, and how dare I refuse to learn from her, myself, as she has some wisdom I could definitely learn from.

I'm ending this with one of my favorite passages. I've always prided myself on not being judgmental. I preach against judgment whenever I get the chance, and promote Christ's love as my religion. And then something like this comes along, and I realize I am guilty of the judgment I hate so much. Forgive me Lord for my failings in your teachings. I am still your child in faith, mold me to be as you are.

John 7:53-8:11
"They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such. What do you say about her?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again.""

Lent

Lent is a wonderful time to focus on God. And many people do so by giving something up for those 40 days. The purpose is that by fasting for 40 days, we are sacrificing something in a small tribute to Jesus as He sacrificed for us, and we are giving ourselves yet another way to meditate on the Lord. By fasting, we can remind ourselves to pray to God when we are suffering from our sacrifice. Not everyone of the Christian faith fasts during Lent. It is mainly a Catholic thing. Catholics also give up meat on Fridays during Lent. It used to be during the whole 40 days, and fasting completely on Fridays, but that all changed with the times.

I grew up Catholic, and carry some of the traditions with me. Fasting from something for 40 days is one that I hold close to my heart, and believe in. Last year I gave up meat for 40 days. It was hard at first, being an avid carnivore. But soon I found it an incredibly spiritual fast, and became pretty healthy as a result. Of course, Easter came and I was into the BBQ chicken with the rest of them. This year, I considered doing the same fast, but I didn't feel the spiritual pull to do so. I find it is necessary to pray on such things, to ask God what it is he wanted from me during the 40 days of Lent. And to my dismay, he told me. He wants me to give up added sugar. And not just sugar, but honey and sweeteners too. And the reasoning is that by giving up that added sweetness for taste, I am experiencing a metaphoric life without God's sweetness for 40 days.

This is going to be hard.

I am addicted to sweetness. The hardest thing to give up will be the Splenda in my coffee. And chocolate, no more raiding my mom's chocolate box under her bed. I thought about practicing for this fasting, and as a result, I am even more addicted to sweetness from over indulgance. And it doesn't help that the kids birthdays were this past week with lots of cake to go with it, and Valentine's is coming up and I am salivating over anticipated chocolate. And I wonder why my pants are a little snugger.... When Lent comes, there's no question that I will be giving it up for good for 40 days and not cheating. But for the first 10 days, I expect to be going through some pretty hefty withdrawals.

I am writing this here, first of all, for accountability. But second, to encourage anyone reading this to give up something dear to them for 40 days. Yes, it's hard. But the rewards are worth the effort, spiritually and beyond. And not only that, it's for Him. That's reason enough.

Lent begins March 1st this year. Join me and millions others in fasting for 40 days.

For more on Lent, read THIS.
For extreme fasting read THIS.

Quote

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."
- Albert Pine

The Bible on Love

Valentine's Day is the day of love, thus making February the month of love. And many of us without Valentines might have the tendency to feel sad or wistful during this month. But who created love? God our father. And in Him, we possess the most beautiful and truest forms of love to be had. I do not have a romantic earthly valentine this year, but I have love because of my Father.



Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

1 John 4:7-21

Uncircumcised love

I have to wonder how Christian we are when as Christians we tend to be so seperatist? More times than I'd like to hear, I've heard my Christian friends say they don't even know people who aren't Christian. Or people who aren't Christian are known as THOSE people, as if they are some sort of evil group to steer clear from or feel sorry for. I finally finished Blue Like Jazz, and I found myself nodding enthusiastically throughout the whole thing, especially towards the end. He mentions how he found how refreshing his secular friends were because of how real he could be around them. He befriended this group of hippies, and together they talked about all sorts of things. And all the while, there was no judgment, no preconceived notion about how they were SUPPOSED to be. They just were. They were absolutely themselves. Then he talked about his Christian friends. And though he loved them too, he found himself censoring himself constantly. He heard constant judgment. The evil poor were considered charity cases to be saved. The evil rich were considered hell bound. Topics such as sexual orientation, political stances, alcohol users and such "unchristian" characteristics were big topics, and you were expected to be on the same side. If you weren't, you were placated, then talked about behind your back. And I've seen this happen. I've seen the seperatism, the idea that Christians are the best people on earth. But what if we're the worst? What kind of message are we sending if we aren't loving ALL God's people? And not loving them as charity, and not loving them with the ulterior motive of changing them, but loving them just because? "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6 Being a Christian is not being seperate from the world. Through our love, Christ will work. He is stronger than us, He is bigger than us. Love by example, love by action. Don't just use your words, but love with all your heart. By your unbiased and uncircumcised love, that's how Jesus will shine through.

Jesus, where's the proof?

It was bound to happen. After years of fights over what's PC, people fighting to take the word God out of the pledge of allegiance, complaints over crosses used to mark our soldiers' graves, fights over what exactly TO say over the holiday season, it has come down to this.

The Roman Catholic Church is being sued over lying to the people, by spreading fables over some man they call Jesus, and claiming He exists. See story....

How do we know Jesus exists? Can you prove it? Can you provide the concrete evidence in your hands to an avid atheist that Jesus actually IS Savior, that He could save the world? I don't know about your answer. I know I can't. And I don't think I'd want to. Not in that way, at least. I am not about to cheapen Jesus by becoming a Jesus Salesman and telling people, "Try Jesus, it works!" It doesn't work that way.

God bless mass evangelists who step out of their comfort zone and preach to the non-believers. That's got to be the hardest and most trying job of the active Christian community.

How do you explain your faith in Jesus? Why do you believe? Can you explain it? I'm reading this book right now and it put it perfectly....

"My belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific, and yet there was nothing I could do to seperate myself from this belief. I think Laura was looking for something rational, because she believed that all things that were true were rational. But that isn't the case. Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been in love, many people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Neither can beauty. Light cannot be proved scientifically, and yet we all believe in light, and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that don't make any sense. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn't. He will make no more sense to me than I make sense to an ant."
Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, page 54.

The thing that I understood the most was on love. I love many things. Most of all on this earth, I love my children. Can I prove it? I could say I'd do a million things. I'd do anything for my children's well being. I'd sacrifice for my children. I discipline my children to help them grow up right. I'd die for my children. I tell them I love them everyday. I think about them all the time. But can I hold proof in my hand that I love my children? If somebody said, "Prove this love that you speak of", could I do it? Not scientifically. My love is in my heart and soul. I know I love my kids when I want to protect them from harm at all costs. I know I love my kids when it wells up so big in me that tears spring to my eyes. I know I love my kids when the greatest comfort to me is reading to them on the couch, a kid snuggled under each arm. I FEEL my love for my kids. That's how I KNOW I love my kids.

I FEEL Jesus in me. That's how I KNOW Jesus is there, that He lived for around 33 years performing miracles and sharing God through love and compassion, that He died on the cross for you and for me so that one day we could join Him. That's how I know that when I cry out to Jesus, He actually hears me and holds me. I FEEL HIM. And no matter how much I've tried to push Jesus aside, to ignore Him in my times of selfishness and sin, He is there for me, and He loves me. I cannot give you concrete evidence that Jesus exists. I cannot even describe exactly how I feel Him. If I tried to put words around it, you may think I'm trying to sell you a product. But to me, Jesus is even more concrete than my love is for my kids.

If you have doubts, but you just want to know that there is someone out there who loves you, no matter who you are, start by reading this, and go on from there.

Jesus loves you. Jesus does not condemn you. You who are not perfect, you who are hurting but feel unworthy, you who hate the church for how the church has been portrayed, Jesus loves you. You who have pains that you hold inside, you who have been betrayed and forgotten, you who are struggling to make ends meet and don't see how it's going to happen, Jesus loves you. You who have lost hope, you who have needs being unmet, you who are alone, Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. That's all you need to know. That is the proof.

Here I am, naked before you

There comes a time when every person must question what it is they are seeking comfort from. Am I using those things around me to offer me the happiness I so crave, to the point of being let down every time when they inevitably fail? Am I falling back on past mistakes to make up for the longing I feel inside me? Am I coming up with excuse after excuse as to why I consistenly fail, even though I know there's no excuse at all? Yes. But who is there for me faithfully, every time I need to be held? Who gives His love unconditionally, and loves me as I am? Who gave me my tears and allows me to use them when necessary? Who knows me better than I know myself? Who is willing to be so intimate with me that He is in me and I am in Him? And who do I constantly push away when my life is less than desireable, and I am ashamed, and I fear of letting go of all the worldly things that keep me comfortable for the moment, and just finding comfort in Him? Who is offering me the kind of love I crave, if only I'd receive it?

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

It's time for some changes to be made.... Am I afraid I will still fail? Yes.

Whatever is pure....

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

A dear friend had this word for me today. He said that the kids and I have been on his heart, and he received a message from God he felt compelled to share with me.

It's always amazing when God puts something or someone on a person's heart. Several people have come up to me to tell me that I've been on their heart. And each time I've claimed that I'm fine, but thank you for thinking of me. This time, my friends words hit home and he was very specific. And even though there are times when we wonder about God's messages, about whether they came from Him or us, this was definitely a message from God.

The basis of his call was to let me know that he'd seen the anger in my son, and especially in the past few months. I almost wish I'd recorded the conversation, because he had so much stuff to say that touched my heart. You see, the kids are about to have a new baby brother next month. A lot of changes have been taking place, and are about to change even more. And in the past couple of months, both the kids have been reacting to these changes. Summer gets angry with me when I go out without her when she's at my house, even when it's after her bedtime. And her attitude has tripled. And Lucas has become extra sensitive by crying at the drop of a hat, he's stopped minding so well, he appears out of control at times, and he's developed two nervous habits: repeatedly clearing his throat or coughing this small cough, and sucking in his lips so that he has a constant red rash around his mouth. And he has a scary temper that has become more and more evident as he gets older, where he tenses up and he become rigid. Sometimes he'll smash something on the ground and break it, usually one of his toys. Other times he'll lash out at the person he's angry at. He's never dangerous, but his way of handling his anger is definitely causing alarm in me. And I, having to deal with the kids and their sudden behavioral changes, plus the kids having to skip several weekends with their dad due to his job changes and because of the recent floods, am on mom-burnout. There are times now when I'm just too "busy" to enjoy hands on play time with the kids because I'm just worn out, when we used to do all sorts of things together. Of course, this is only adding to the misbehaviors and attitude problems of my kids.

I was advised to reread the "Chronicles of Narnia" with the kids, especially Lucas, and focus on the character of Edmund. In the story, Edmund is upset about his father being away at war, and then being "abandoned" by his mother. My job is to ask Lucas pointed questions about Edmund: how does it make Edmund feel to not have his father around all the time? Why do you think Edmund is misbehaving? Etc... Lucas can't really put into words what's going on inside him, but maybe by explaining what he thinks Edmund is going through, he can also help me understand what HE'S going through, as well as help him understand his own feelings.

But at the end of the conversation, my friend gave me the scripture, and a lot of things came clear. This wasn't just about my kids, this was about me. And the Lord was speaking through my friend directly to me. "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." And for my own personal reasons away from the whole kid situation, this scripture spoke directly to my heart. My friend told me to help Lucas apply this to his life, but I also see the need to apply it to my own. Focus on the good, the wonderful, the excellent and praiseworthy. Let go of the negative, the things that drive me crazy and halt me in my steps. Focus on the good, the noble, the pure. Let go of those things that only offer temporary comfort and a lifetime of anguish and confusion.

I came away with a lot of ways to help my kids and be more understanding through their confusing childhood. And after this weekend, and when the kids are back from their dad's, it's time to step things up a notch and once again be the mother I want to be. But I will also have a new outlook on life, to achieve a life of focus rather than looking behind me at the things I detest.

And located right before the verse my friend gave me, I found this and it summed it up...

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

My day in pictures

Today I had to go to Cazadero to appraise a house. Unfortunately, the house was nowhere to be found. The good news is that I didn't have an appointment, and my job only consists of viewing the house and taking notes on what I see, as well as taking a picture of the house. So I didn't waste anyone's time but mine. Unfortunately, my time was wasted, as was $20 in gas, and money is tight right now. I'll be back out there today. But today turned out to be such a beautiful day. One of the comparable houses I had to look at was on this mountain, and once I reached the top, I was in awe. Here is my day in pictures....





A good blogger knows, it's all about the story. These cows did not seem to thrilled to have me on their mountain. I got out of my safe van onto the extremely windy mountain to get a closer shot of these cows that owned the mountain. Every time I looked away, they started getting closer to me. But as soon as I turned in their direction, they stopped. Kind of eery.... I didn't stay long out there, just in case these were "mad cows"...


This is God's country. Those are the words that kept running through my mind as I saw the incredible views. The road was real narrow, and one look down showed just how far up I was. I felt like I was higher than the birds....




More of God's country....





"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God...."
"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me."
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Psalm 42:1, 7, 11


Guerneville and all the surrounding areas were hit hard by the storms this year, and flooded worse than it has in years. Many people lost many belongings, and some lost their homes. When I visit this area, there is mud everywhere, and the area has a damp, sad feel to it. But when I came off the mountain, the river seemed so calm and peaceful, as if it hadn't caused so much destruction. It was beautiful.


And then, once in Santa Rosa again and picking up my son at his preschool we came upon this magnificent rainbow. The whole day had been a mixture of hard rain and beautiful blue skies, and this was the perfect end....




"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." Genesis 9:13

STOP

This week my parents are gone in Vegas due to a seminar my dad has to attend, so my work is pretty limited. This gives me the chance to kind of fool around during the work week, somewhat, or at least make my own hours completely. So today I decided to take a walk at Spring Lake, one of my favorite places in Sonoma County. I was anxious to see what the rains had done to my lovely lake, and to see if it was even walkable.

Just last night I was praying to God about my diet. I prayed for willpower to lose weight, as I kind of fell off the wagon this weekend, so to speak, after doing so well throughout the week before. And today, I felt like God was asking me to take a different route around the lake when I usually take another. So I did, wondering if there was a reason for this. There was. When I was almost commpletely around the lake, the trail was closed due to flooding, and I was forced to turn around and walk the whole lake back again. Seems either God has a sense of humor, or he's taking me on in this whole weight loss journey.



So being slightly out of shape, I felt a little negative about the whole thing. But only briefly. I quickly decided to make the best of it. There's this pier on the other side of the lake that I love to go to the end of and just pause to feel God for a moment in this busy life. And it makes my whole day to do so. During nice weather it's occupied with fishermen or boaters, so I bypass it. And this day I bypassed it again because I just wanted to get this walk over with. But on the way back, I decided that God was calling me to just stop and spend a moment with him. The pier was full of geese that I gently shooed away. I dared not sit on the pier as it was covered in geese droppings. But I stood all the way to the very edge of the pier, and stood in silence as the muddy waters drifted around me. And I could feel His breath in me as I inhaled His air. And I let Him fill me. And I finished my walk, survived the few extra steps, and felt a new calm surround me.



Sometimes all we need is a reason to stop. Just stop. This world is so busy, so much in a rush. And even when there's no reason for hurrying, we find ourselves unable to just STOP. Every time I take my walk with God, I have to wonder what holds me back from doing this more often? Because today, my day is made.

*Pictures taken at Spring Lake last Spring. Just imagine a lot more mud and browner water....

You don't want to know

It seems to me, the most dangerous question to ask me is, "What makes me angry?"*

*as heard in church today, about what lights the fire under my rear....

Not me, Lord

Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses and he said, "What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it."
Exodus 4:10-17

I am amazed by this scripture. The Lord is giving Moses his commands, his will for Moses and his people. And over and over, Moses gives excuse after excuse as to why he can't do it. And rather than lashing out at Moses' faithlessness, God fixes each problem so that the mission at hand can be carried out more comfortably. I can only imagine the panic going on inside Moses as he prepares to be the leader of thousands of people relying on him. And I understand his hesitation, his begging to be taken off the job. But the Lord, though frustrated with Moses and his lack of faith, takes every problem and finds a solution for it, even though He is Lord, and Moses is not.

I find hope in this scripture for times when I am pleading with the Lord, "Not me Lord, it's too hard." In my own life, I am struggling with being somewhat of a guide for someone who has had a very similar life path to mine, and is still struggling a bit. And it's not easy. It brings up a lot of past stuff from my own life, and conflict on how I should handle certain things. And many times I have begged God, let me off the hook. Let this fizzle out so I can be comfortable in doing nothing. Of course, I could just quit. But this is not what the Lord wants from me. He put me in this person's path to teach her from my experiences. And he put someone in my path who has given me the insight and courage needed to continue my task with new strength and wisdom. He met me at the crossroads and guided me when I needed it.

The Lord is with us always. "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." Proverbs 8:17 He is my comfort, my grace. He is my courage and my strength. When I can't find the words, he gives them to me. When I feel judged and ridiculed, he reminds me of his love. He is never far from me, always surrounding me, constantly blessing me. I am thankful every day because of his love. And I am amazed at how freely he gives it, all we need to do is seek him, and he is there.

In awe of you

Timber Cove

"From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth." Psalm 50:2

"How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven." Genesis 28:17

"You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you." Nehemiah 9:6

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness and blessings bestowed upon me. Thank you for my freedom and my life! I praise you for all you've bestowed upon me, and I pray I never forget how much you've graced me.

Gavin wrote back!

LOL! I knew he'd find me irresistible! Check out the comments.

Snowboarding

"Word up Crissi, you must be a library book, cuz I'm checking you out!"
Who called me with this message?!? It had me in hysterics! I'm guessing Jana, but nobody left a name. Clue, please?

Anyway, I'm nursing a bruised tailbone due to a horrible fall on Wednesday when I went snowboarding. That's right, Crissi got off her duff and did something sporty! I haven't snowboarded in 10 years. When I calculated that, boy did I feel old! To say that I haven't done something in 10 years, and I was a teenager then? Wow.

Being in the Sierras brought back some old memories and good feelings. When I was younger, our family used to go up to the snow almost every weekend. We had a cabin there, and some of our family lives up there, and we felt special to be treated like the locals. They had a bar there where everyone actually DID know our name. My parents aren't drinkers, but that's where all the locals hung out.

Up on the mountain, it was the same thing. We knew a lot of the workers at the lodge. Alpine County is one of those places where if you see a hitchhiker and you had room, you picked them up. Cabin doors are left unlocked, cuz everyone's trustworthy. I don't think it's that trustworthy anymore due to the growing popularity. But you still get that small town feeling, or at least a small town hosting a huge party!

I was nervous about getting up on that hill. I'd skied in recent years, but still felt trauma over a huge accident I'd had at age 12. And I was unsure if I'd snowboard or ski this trip. The trip was totally spur of the moment, decided upon the night before. I barely slept that night, and it took a full 30 seconds at 5 am to figure out what that horrible beeping sound was....my alarm.

I didn't actually make up my mind until right before we got there. I decided to take a lesson, but we got there too late. So I decided to "wing" it. I figured I'd done it before, I'd more or less figure it out. But one step onto that board, and I was afraid I'd made a huge mistake. I practiced on some small hills before heading to the lifts, and could only go a distance of one foot before falling on my fanny. Oh, man, what did I get myself into? I decided to try a little bit larger hill, and was able to make more of a distance due to slightly increased speed, before falling again. I took a chance and headed towards the lift.

I sat alone on that lift, watching the boarders whizzing by below me. I eavesdropped on the instructors of boarding classes, trying to retain some sort of information that would save me from killing myself down that scary bunny hill. And I watched the boarders in front of me glide off the lift at the top of the hill. I prepared my board, guiding it straight and placing my unlocked boot in the center of the board. And when my board reached the snow, I stood up precariously and fell off the lift....

And even worse, when I finally made it to safety from being plowed over by hotshot bunnyslopers, I realized that the zipper on my snow pants shell had split. I sat there in the freezing snow for 20 minutes, fixing the darn things. A tip for all you beginners out there, snow pants shells are only water resistant. The snow will soak all the way to your underwear if you're not careful.

Well, I finally did fix it, and precariously got up. I stood, looking at the enormous downhill. And I decided it wasn't that bad. I pushed off. I remembered how to stop, so I'd go straight, then stop, then straight, then stop. And this time I only fell 15 times. I don't think I'm exaggerating.

But with practice, I was able to get down that hill faster and faster, with fewer falls. I even was able to realistically pretend that I looked like I knew what I was doing. And the guy at the bottom of the lift commented several times that I was getting there pretty fast. I just told him I was falling faster. And my last run? I made it off the ski lift without falling until the bottom of the area! That's when I fell on my tailbone. And I felt it all the way into my teeth. But I had made it without making the lift operator stop the lift altogether. And she gave me a verbal back pat.


This whole experience sort of reminded me of my walk with Jesus. Bear with me here, I'm really not reaching. I've been so negative lately, for those of you who know me. I've been pretty cynical. Know what I've also been? Out of practice. I haven't served, at least not beyond my reasonable service. I don't even think I'm reaching my reasonable service. I've been pretty comfortable in my life. I remember the rush I felt after New Orleans, how on fire I was to serve and spread the love of God. And I look at my life now, and it's such a disappointment. When I get together with friends and we talk about Jesus and helping humanity, I feel that spark, but I'm not letting it light. It's going to take me getting up on that hill, taking a deep breath, and letting myself go at full speed. And when I reach the end, it's going to take me getting back on that chair lift and going again. Sitting at the bottom of that hill, taking baby steps only, that's not going to get me anywhere. I need to keep up the momentum, practice what I've learned, and improve on what I need to learn. I need to use others to help me reach higher heights. And I need to keep that fire lit.

Use me, Lord

"I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out
in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by
dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor,
every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy
and permanent planet. The proper function of
man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste
my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
Jack London 1876-1916
Jack London's Tales of Adventure

My Vision, My Reality

Last night at Gina's house, we talked about Vision. And I loved how it tied in with the end of the year, as we got ready to start a new year, and essentially start over parts of ourselves that we might feel lacking.

Looking back, there has been so much change that has taken place in me. I look at my earliest entries to my entries now, and I see a whole morphing that took place. And I like it. I was so lost at the beginning of 2005. I hated myself, and I hurt. I felt like a shell of a person. Fast forwarding to today, I feel strong, (mostly) sure of myself, and I definitely like me. I'm less worried about how I might offend others (though it still has more of a hold on me than I'd like). I more apt to speak my mind than ever before, and by next year I'm sure all of you won't be able to shut me up!

My Vision for 2006 and beyond? Well let's not mention the 20 or so pounds I'll be losing.... But deeper than that, I strive to be a fearless Christian, not only in the world, but inside of Christianity too. I want to make a difference. I want to get my hands dirty and be a part of the driving force that makes people say, "I want some of that!" I want to inspire, and be inspired. Real people are Christians, we are not all perfect, but we can love the Lord as fiercely as anyone!!!

I want to hear the Lord. I want to devote a portion of every day to just listening to the Lord. I want to be better about my devotions, better about delving into His word. I want to hear loud and clear the plans He has for me, and what He wants me to do about it. I want to help those in need and share His word. I want to share the love that is rained upon me every moment of the day.

I want to take risks. I want to stop using words such as "can't" and "shouldn't" and "impossible" when it comes to the Lord calling me to certain missions. I want to go beyond my comfort zone and expand my soul.

I want to develop sisterhoods with some certain fabulous women in my life. I want the three of us, and more, to create an impact so big that it won't be easily forgotten. And this is a possibility!!!

God bless everyone into 2006 and beyond!

A child is born....

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”- Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas

Santa's Crib

Santa's Crib

Disneyland

Me, the kiddos, and my sister, Heather in front of the train at Disneyland.


My sister Melissa and me.


Me and the kids in front of the Christmas tree at the Sheraton in Anaheim.

Cliff's Notes version of trip...

First day at the park was Friday. There were lots of lines, but not nearly as crowded as the weekend would be. We had no idea! We went on all the big rides, and got some shopping out of the way. The kids went back to the hotel with my dad and grandma. My mom and I stayed at the park until closing. We had a blast! Without kids we were able to rush from ride to ride. The last ride was Space Mountain, which we waited an hour to go on for three thrilling minutes of roller coaster. And it was definitely worth it!

Day two, my sisters joined us. The kids had been pretty difficult the day before, but seemed to get the hang of things this day. We visited California Adventure this day, and went on California Screamin' twice. The kids and I took off later that night and went on the Rushing Rapids ride twice. We were soaking wet! Two hours later, we were still wet, and the kids were freezing. I ended up paying an arm and a leg for a new sweatshirt for each of them. But I figured, we're only there once, and in two weeks the money I spent will have made no impact, so why not? We watched the electric parade, the fireworks, and then we took the kids on Space Mountain. I was afraid that they'd be too scared, but they ended up loving that ride the best.

Day three....and we were pooped! We went on two rides only. We ate lunch there, and then did last minute shopping. We let the kids run wild at Tom Sawyer's island. We didn't leave until around 5 pm, and got home at 2 am. Oh, and did I mention it's a small world? We ran into an old friend the day before, and happened to see Natalie and Jeremy this day on the Matterhorn at the same time as us. Unfortunately, they didn't see us, and didn't have cell phones on them. Can't blame them, though, it looked like they were having a fabulous time together. Ahhh, newleyweds.....

I love Disneyland, and I hope to return again in the next couple of years. But my wallet and aching body are Disneylanded out!!!

Cheers!

Crissi, you've managed to make bad decision after bad decision, decided to be holy, than changed your mind, then changed it back, then changed it again, offended several members of your church, gained some holiday baggage in the form of your rear, questioned things you obviously cannot question, changed dramatically in the last year, made some really great friends, managed to not actually lose any friends despite your shortcomings, became comfortable in your own skin, learned how to look outside yourself, and almost completed a whole year of blogging. What are you going to do next?



I'm going to Disneyland! I'll be back Sunday night. See you all at Christmas!
Oh, and I made the editorial page in the Press Democrat today.

Dear Mr. Mayor....

Ok, I have a confession to make. I'm in love with the mayor of San Francisco. That's right. Gavin Newsom is H-O-T. I went to San Francisco yesterday as part of my birthday celebration, and he was speaking in the square on behalf of small businesses. I was standing to the right of the stage, and when he wasn't speaking, he was facing my direction. At one point he looked right at me, and I totally felt out of breath and I know my face got all red. Wow.

So Gavin, if you are reading this, I am single. I don't go to any of the A-list parties. I don't own a ballgown. I already have a couple children, oh, and I live with my parents. I'm known to pack on a few extra pounds during the holidays. I only loosely follow politics, but they tend to bore me if that's all we have to talk about. More often than not I'm broke. And I have an ex and a lot of baggage that can be less than fun to deal with.

But I can do crosswords with a pen, and I can unscramble words in seconds. I can shell out sarcasm with the best of them. I can make pancakes from scratch, and can bake a batch of cookies without once tasting the cookie dough (sometimes). I own lots of songs on my iPod, and I'll even let you listen sometimes. I sing in the car (but never in the shower, unless a song is stuck in my head), and sometimes I even sing in key using the right words. Oh, and I love San Francisco, so it's really convenient that this is the town you are mayor of.

So give it a chance, Mr. Newsom. Heck, maybe I'll even borrow my dad's car to meet you somewhere. See you soon!

-Crissi

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yup, that's right. I'm the big 2-8 today. This is my solicitation for birthday greetings, so bring them on!

Exaltation

Arise, be our help
Place my trust in your kindness
It's a must hoping in the God of deliverance
Since way back when before time began
Existing eternally, everlasting, rejoice in the name of his majesty so we sing
Exaltation, my God of salvation
The field and there in will be filled with jubilation
The Lord's name will be proclaimed
"Exaltation", Matisyahu

The Lord makes His voice known in mysterious ways. Randy and I are getting along really well right now, so much so that when I "dicovered" Matisyahu, I made him a CD of the songs I'd downloaded. Matisyahu is a Jewish reggae artist. If you were to see him, you would think he was a joke. He's tall, wears a big black hat, and a long black overcoat. And he's a WHITE reggae artist. He looks like reggae gone amish or something. You'd think he was a joke, that is, until you heard his songs. He sings songs so full of his love of God, and he's definitely spreading his message through his songs. On Live 105, they even play his "King Without a Crown" song. If you've never heard him, I really encourage you to look him up.

So anyway, my point, and yes I have one. I made this CD for Randy, and apparently he listens to it all the time. He works at a drug and rehab center, and a lot of times has to transport patients in his car to their homes after treatment is finished, or to other facilities. The other day, he had to transport this one female patient to another facility. She was Jewish, but really lacking the faith. When Randy heard she was Jewish, he told her about this CD I had made him, and told ehr about the guy singing it. He asked if she's like to listen. She unenthusiastically said, sure. Well, halfway through the CD, she was bawling, and confessing her desire to know God again. She is now reconciling with her husband, going back to being a mother, and working at staying clean.

And this was all from just making a CD with no thought put in it whatsoever. Amazing.

Don't look at me wrong....

I have been in the worst mood lately, and I really can't put my finger on it. Well, that's half true. I do know some of the reason, but I don't know why I can't shake it now that I've pretty much figured it out. I'm feeling ultra negative towards everything right now, really pessimistic and rageful, and it's like I just want to sulk here in my misery. My birthday is next week, and even that is putting me in a bad mood.