Beach Day

Today we left the sunshine of our town and went to the fog covered beach. Regardless of the cold, it was a ton of fun. My daughter spent the day with one of her bast friends, and we all had a blast. I even got the stunt kite up with the great wind that was blowing there. Here are some pictures from our day....

Hope

I actually forgot
what yesterday was
until last night
when I was covered in fog.
And it brought me back
to how things change,
how prayers are answered
in unexpected ways.
And I remembered thinking
that life would never be the same,
and I was right
in more ways than one.
And I remember the fear
that I felt of the past
and the events that led
to new fears of my present
and eventually led
to the fall of the future.

Or so I thought.

Truth is,
things happen for a reason.
And the person of yesterday
is much younger
than the person of today.
And I find that I'm calmer
in the hopes for my future,
understanding
that I am a part of something
bigger than just me.
And though I am unsure
at times
of where I am going
I know I am not going down.
And I am standing here
one year later
with hope in my soul
and gratefulness in my spirit
and love in my heart
and serenity in my mind.
And I know,
I just know,
that everything is going to be fine.

Yeshua

Breathe in.
I feel the breath.
I hear it.
Breathe out.
Relief.
Every sound, it is one in my ears.
But it is many different things
making each sound.
The chirping of the crickets.
The frogs in the distance.
The roar of the cars on the highway.
Many different sounds,
one in my ear.
The things I see,
they are all combined in my eye.
The stars overhead.
The perfect lines of the clouds
drifting on an invisible wind.
The way the hills seem to be outlined
by an unreal glow that dips with each dip,
and rises with each rise.
The plane that flies overhead,
narrowly missing another plane on a different course
several miles away from each other,
but in the same spot in my sight.
All seperate things,
all unaware of the other,
but all one sight in my eyes.
The two become one.
The many become few.
All is seperate,
yet all is the same.
And when I breathe in,
I feel you.
For you are in it all.
When I breathe out,
you are there in my breath.
I don't need to see you,
not like I see the things of this world.
For you are in the world,
you are of the world,
you are the world.
And you are more.
To expect to see you
standing before me
would be to deny that you already are,
just not as my human mind perceives.
You are in it all.
And I am just one that make up many
that makes up one.
I am a part of you.

Timber!

A picture of the lumber that was taken out of my eye.
You should see the one still in there...

Jesus said, "You see the sliver in your friend's eye, but you don't see the timber in your own eye. When you take the timber out of your own eye, then you will see well enough to remove the sliver from your friend's eye."
Gospel of Thomas, vs. 26

Yet another reminder to ME. Stop focusing on all that I disagree with, and continue working on my path. The only path I am responsible for maintaining is my own, not anyone elses's.

In a way, isn't that a relief?

Green What?

So in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I made green eggs, toast with green honey butter, green milk, and, um, brown veggie sausage. I'm not Irish, but my kids are, so I surprised them with breakfast.





They ate most of it, but I think they were a little grossed out. Mission accomplished!


Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

This morning I read Romans 3-5. I took particular interest in Romans 5:12-21, "Death through Adam, Life through Christ". And this is what I wanted to journal on. I will try to behave myself as much as possible!

Romans 5:18-19
"Just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man will be made righteous."



This passage is of course talking about the fall of man through Adam, and the salvation of man through Jesus. When Adam sinned in the garden, taking the fruit from Eve from the only tree God forbade them to eat from, sin entered the life of man. The Garden of Eden closed forever for man. The only way sin could be forgiven was by offering a sacrifice to God, usually a perfect lamb with no blemish or scars. I can imagine in those days that lambs may have become scarce. Think of how often we sin, from an action to a mere thought. Because of our sinful nature, it is impossible to not sin. If we needed to sacrifice for every infraction we committed, first of all we would be more aware (which isn't really a bad thing, when you think about it....), but we would surely miss out on some sins we overlooked, and would never get in the kingdom of Heaven.

Enter Jesus. Here was a man that God gave to us as our sacrificial lamb. He was not only our perfect lamb, he was our example of how our walk should look. The sacrifice of Jesus was so great that it became unnecessary to need to sacrifice any longer for our sins. Jesus' death the sacrifice for all sins that have ever been committed, and all future sins as well. Jesus died for all of us so that we will all join God in Heaven.

But see, this is where things get confusing. There are a lot of scripture in the bible that read one cannot be saved without belief in Jesus. But then scattered sparingly through the bible are scriptures like this, everyone is saved through Jesus. The many were made sinners through Adam. Not just a select few of us either. The many of us can safely be assumed to mean all of us, for who of any of us is without sin? And if it is clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who was affected by Adam's sin, it seems like it should be clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who is made righteous through the sacrifice of Jesus.

And it makes sense. If the fall of Adam led to the sinful nature of everyone, wouldn't the death of Jesus, God's son, have even more power to save all of us? Why would he sacrifice himself for only a select people when the sin of Adam affected EVERYONE? And beyond that, if sin is a sin, none better and none worse, and if disbelief in Jesus is considered a sin, how is that worse than any of my sins? How will one's sin of disbelief damn them any more than any of my sins? What makes me more deserving of the kingdom of heaven than someone who doesn't believe things the way I do?

These are just thought probing questions, I am not giving answers here. Coming across these passages really isn't ammo for some new war against religion. I cannot take these verses and disregard the rest of the bible. But I also cannot take the rest of the bible and disregard these verses. But reading these verses gives me hope. It is true that I hold reservations about religion in general, for every religion claims that they are the only true religion, that they are the only ones who know the truth, and everyone else is screwed. I don't think I'll ever believe that any one religion is absolutely correct, including Christianity. Religions are not God. God is God. And we will never know the whole entire truth until we are in the kingdom of Heaven. However, I do believe Christianity has a good hold on the truth. I wouldn't consider myself a Christian if I didn't. But I do think we can learn from other faiths to strengthen our own. We are all one people under God, on different paths that lead to God, and I would like to think that if we could open our eyes to wisdom in all corners of the earth, it might get us even closer to God than we ever thought possible.

Lord, I thank you for providing us a way to get to you through Jesus. I even thank you that we have a choice now in how we live our lives and how we accept you through the sin of Adam, for it makes that choice so much sweeter, and the journey that much more wondrous. And even more wondrous, you have chosen me whether I am faithful or not. Lord, I cannot even find words to describe how wonderful that feels, and how grateful I am for you in my life.
Lord, please guide me in this journey to you. It has been my desire, even in times I stopped walking and stood still, to know the truth of you in this world. I truly believe you are in many things that are foreign to me, as well as the things that are familiar to me. But I admit to having a hard time seeking your wisdom without also drowning in lies and doubts over you.
Lord, I ask you to protect my soul as I travel through the fires to reach you. I want my life to radiate as much of you as possible before I join you in the next life. But to do that, I know I need your guidance. And my faith must be strong. Please be my shield.
Amen.

Reflections

I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. It kind of goes along with the territory of ceasing to depend on things outside myself for my own self worth. It's been a hard process to go through, and I'm struggling in every single step.

I figured that the best place for me would be to open up my bible. I woke up with a start from a dream very early this morning. I can't remember the dream, but I felt God telling me that I was supposed to get up.

I can't explain why God talks to me. I don't feel I've done anything extraordinary in being faithful to Him. But it seems like whenever I welcome Him in, He arrives full force. We have full on conversations, God and I.

Anyway, I obediently got up, dusted off my bible, and went in the front room to read. With a great cup of coffee, I settled into the comfy chair. Where to start? I thumbed through it, taking out the millions of leaflets from my days of church, reading this passage and that which I had taken notes on. And I finally decided to follow a friend of mine and start in Romans.

I like Romans. It's straight forward and tells it like it is. There's no beating around the bush. My favorite verses are in Romans, Romans 14. So I started here. I began with Romans 1. Then I read through Romans 2. But something was clicking in Romans 2. I kept stopping myself and rereading passages. And I realized that I needed to start journaling to go along with reading, so I got out my notebook and wrote down this verse:

(Romans 2:3-4)
"So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you towards repentance?"

Whoa.

I have been guilty of finding passages and using them to my power, to strengthen my fight against fundamentalism. I have pointed fingers, judging those I felt were judging others. And then in all this, in my fight to be right and against all that I felt unjust in religion, I stopped seeking God. And even worse, I made myself believe I was still just as faith seeking as ever. In reality, I was self-seeking, and self-serving. I was no longer a disciple of God. I no longer sought to strengthen my faith and overcome my shortcomings. The only studying I did of the bible was to find passages to prove what I thought was right.

In all this, though I thought I was close to God, I actually stepped farther away from my faith than I ever had before, and began questioning the very things I used to be sure of. I ignored all the warning signs, negatively focusing on everything I felt was wrong, and missing all in my faith that is right. And I find myself in a scary spot, rebuilding my foundation in God.

The last line of those selected verses is where the hope lies. God's kindness will lead me to repentance. You see, we are never truly apart from God. He is always with us. And He always WANTS us. And when we accept that, He is always there with open arms, ready to forgive. God does not hold grudges, no matter how many times we fail Him. And I have failed Him. If I truly want the world to believe the truth that I feel, it is my walk that will speak the loudest. And right now, my walk is pretty weak and without substance.

Now is the process of restoring my faith from small to overwhelming. I am trying to relearn how to be close to God, wanting the same things He wants for my life. It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty painful. But I am willing to go through the necessary steps to get back to God, seeking His guidance in living for His glory, and not my own.

Child in Faith

I vow to trust You, to depend on You. No longer will I be disappointed by the failings of man living up to MY expectations, for You are perfect and provide me with everything I need. You know all my innermost secrets and desires, and love me as I am. I do not need to shout out the contents of my soul, for YOU know. And that is all that matters. All I'm waiting on, all I'm anxious to happen, it's already here with You. All I pray for every single night when the world has gone to sleep, You are giving to me just by hearing me. There is nothing of this world that will give me more satisfaction than being Your child. I am exhausting myself needlessly, and I'm sorry it has taken this long to see Your unfailing love for me. I am sorry I ever put other idols in front of You, and I'm sorry I ever doubted Your power so much that I trusted everything more than You, including myself. I am done, I have come to my senses, and I thank You for accepting me, time and time again, even when I fail You. May I always be a child in faith, for no matter how much I fight it, I will always be Your child.

The Dance

Two people stood at the entrance to the hall leading to the bathroom, seemingly guarding the entrance on either side. Their bodies were covered in tattoos, their hair in a fashion that could only be described as punk. But their faces held the expressions of someone you would want to meet, full of joy and happiness, and of someone who would surely accept anyone from all walks of life. And they smiled at me as they continued talking in an excited fashion. But they did not use their lips or their voices, they used their hands. The only sound was the clanking of glasses, the music at a low hum, the hiss from the espresso machine. But a bubble was present around them, their meaning expressed through excited gestures, an occasional laugh escaping from their smiling mouths. And all noises seemed to disappear as their conversation seemed to be the loudest one in the room. I ducked underneath the conversation to wait outside the occupied restroom. And I tried not to be obvious in my interest of their dancing fingers, the rapid movements in their hands in the language that was a mystery to me. I watched out of the corner of my eye, trying to appear fascinated by the bulletins on the wall, but really I was fascinated by the grace they possessed. And as the woman in the restroom came out, our eyes caught and we smiled, and it was almost like we both knew that silence was necessary, not wanting to break the magic spell these two beautiful creatures had over anyone who happened to be witness to their exchange.

...

A friend once wrote of her experience at a party, where she was the only person that could hear the deafening music, the rest of the guests only able to feel the bouncing rhythm that shook the whole room. The cops finally came and told the guests that they would have to turn down the music. And the room no longer shook, the guests unable to dance for they could no longer "hear" the music. Confused hands moved in a fury of motion as the situation was explained to those who couldn't understand the sudden change. And the birthday girl stood up, an interpreter beside her to communicate what she was signing.

"I can't hear the music...I can feel the music....so can everyone stand up and close their eyes and feel their heart beats...and dance to your heart beat......"

And my friend was moved in awe as the silent party continued to dance with no sound whatsoever, but all in a movement that blended as one, and was reminded again of the wonderful connection we all share as many different people combined as one.

...

When I left the restroom, the couple was gone. But a second couple waited at a table with their son. They, too, were decorated in tattoos. Their son, no older than 4, sported a punkish mohawk and an innocent face. And they too knew this foreign language, their young son contributing to the conversation in a delicate movement of his hands. And I wanted to cry at the beauty of it all, wishing in that moment I could take away my gift of sound to join their beautiful world of dancing hands and silent laughter.