Praise for Surfing with Christ

This weekend in San Diego was so great. And I have so many things to praise God for about it. But the one thing I want to praise God for today is Walking On Water Surf Camp. That's right, kids learning about Christ while surfing, and through surfing. I love it!

I was reading San Diego's Union Tribune, and on Saturday they featured this particular surf camp. And I was amazed! This is defnitely how I envison my kids getting passionate for Christ, through their interests, showing them that God is integrated in everything they do. And surfing is one of those things where it is you and the water. How cool is that to show a kid/teen that God is all around us, and for them to experience Him so fully in these serene and awesome times?

The thing about San Diego is that the kids are wholesome. Seriously wholesome. And I was noticing this all weekend. I saw God in everything and in everyone. And reading about this camp was the icing on the cake.

Anyway, the article speaks for itself, so I won't say much more. Today I am praising God for cool ways to share passion for Christ!

Praise for Perfect Beaches

Praise God for San Diego! This evening, the kids and I, and my boyfriend and his son, will make our long, long way (driving style) for the sunny coastline of San Diego to enjoy some good, old-fashioned lounging and relaxing in the sun. My sister lives down there, as does some of his family, so we will be catching up on their lives and mooching off them for living space for two+ nights. We will be there until Sunday, when we attempt to strip ourselves away from the perfect beaches and downtime.

Praise for Love and Companionship

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone special in my life. Someone I can laugh with, relate with, share with. Someone who shares my values for life. Someone who knows how to listen, who knows how to hold me in the kindest and most satisfying of embraces, who knows that a good and gentle hairwash can take away the blues. God has blessed me with someone who cares for me, through and through, in a way I've never experienced. Someone who has accepted me just as I am, and would never dream of changing me or confining me. Someone who allows me, encourages me, to blossom and grow.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone who has the same corny and sarcastic humor. Someone I can be serious with, read the newspaper with, share the same political frustrations with. Someone who I can talk with candidly about God and life and what it all means, even though our paths appear to be different. God has shown me that in fact, our paths are very much the same, and our destination is identical. God has blessed me with someone who knows how to take part in a healthy disagreement, who will never allow us to cross unhealthy lines, and who will work with me to resolve the issue. God has blessed me with someone who takes his career very seriously, who knows how to provide for a family. Someone who has embraced my family into his life wholeheartedly. Someone who just works harder and changes his goals to allow us to continue to be in his life.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone who constantly amazes me with all he is capable of, and amazes me with all he's about. Someone who can kick a soccer ball like Pele, move with grace from years of yoga, have immense strength and a gentle touch. Someone with the most mesmorizing eyes I have ever seen. Someone who is unafraid to teach my kids values and support me in parenting my kids and his child, side by side. God has blessed me with someone who is loyal, who is head over heels for me, someone who I've grown so deeply close to. Someone who loves me with his whole being, without fear or reservation. Someone I can trust, so much that I love him the same way. Someone I am completely comfortable around. Someone who is different from me, yet so completely similar.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with love. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life "alone". Sure, I wanted companionship. But I was accepting of the fact that I might be on my own for the rest of my life. It was in that moment, when I stopped seeking, when I realized that my own company and that of my friends and family was satisfying enough, that He placed this man in my life. Over the last two years of not being a part of a relationship, He prepared me for this man. And when He saw I was ready, we met. And life has been a wonderful whirlwind ever since.

God has blessed me. And I praise Him for it.

Sadness

The rain is coming.
Though the sun shines,
The sky is blue,
The summer is here in all its glory.
It is all unseen.
For in my heart, the rain is already here.
It beats on my heart.
It beats on my soul.
And I'm afraid to start crying
for I fear that I may never stop.
Turmoil rips at me.
And it seems so unfounded.
All should be well.
All should be serene.
But the rain is coming.
The rain is already here.
And I cannot stop it from
     torrenting.
          Drowning.
               Soaking.
                    Owning.
Life is full of unfairness.
Life is full of misunderstanding.
Life is full of disappointment.
Life is imperfect.
The rain is coming.
The rain is already here.
And I dreaded its arrival.
But I am relieved at its appearance.
I am greatful when it appears.
For when the rain is already here,
it will stop when it's
     run its course.
And when it is over...
                                        ....It's over.
And the sun comes out.
And sadness dries up with
     the sun
          that never left in the first place.

Praise for Clarity

It could have been written by me.....

The decisions and steps I've been taking have been extremely uncomfortable for me. But the clarity I am gaining is astounding. My strength is slowly building. The difficult decisions I've been making over the past few months suddenly are seeming less difficult. And I'm seeing the future result on the horizon, where before it was too far away to comprehend. It's all making sense now. And it's starting to get easier to stand firm and start only taking steps forward, rather than two steps up and one step back.

Yes Lord, I'm going to be ok.

Praise for Falling.....

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
--e.e. cummings

Lord, I praise you for the delicious feeling of falling and being in love, and for being loved in return so wonderfully. For my little piece of Heaven, I praise you.

Praise for Blogging

"Child in Faith"

Today I went through all my past blogs. I read or skimmed every single one. And it helped me in some issues I am facing right now. I received some answers for some things I've been questioning. And not only that, I saw how far I have come in my life, as well as how much I still need to learn. I was ashamed to have read some of the things I overlooked, and the things I am almost overlooking now. I am in a serious struggle right now, and if I'm not careful I could foul things up. For once in my life I am standing my ground. You know what? It is very uncomfortable. It is very unlike me. And I am so tempted to cave in and lay down, making all I have achieved....fail. Reading the past blogs put those answers in me, letting me know to keep on going, that I am not making mistakes. I will not question my actions any longer. I will not fear that what I am doing is going against Jesus' teachings. I have been going around in circles, not knowing my right from my left, not knowing if I was lost or on the right track. I question no longer. I will go forward.

Today I praise God that I live my life outloud, that the words He has given me had future purpose, that my past self helped my present self in my struggles.

Praise for the Never-ending

Last night, George and I were talking outside underneath the night sky. Because of the moon and the porch light, our view of the night sky was limited, though still impressive. And it became clear just how small we are as humans, how small our planet is, and how large our universe is. How big? Never-ending. We are but one galaxy in this universe. We do not know if there are other earths out there, what their sizes are, if there is another galaxy where life forms exist. We do not know how many galaxies there are, though it's been calculated to be roughly 125 billion, 3,000 of them viewable by telescope. Is there other life out there? Are we but one earth of many in a never-ending universe that hosts something like 125 BILLION galaxies? Are we the only one? When thought about, that is hard to wrap your mind around. This universe keeps going. There's no wall, no edge, nothing. So me, at 5'4", I'm but an atom. I find this all fascinating. And as I stared up at those tiny specks of light that were scattered across the sky, they took on new meaning and appearance.

There are many things that are never-ending. Our minds, for example. There is no end to what we can learn, and we are learning until the day we die. The size of our brain does not matter, it's capablility does. Numbers are another never-ending. The amount of stories we can tell, love we can give, the size of our souls. God is never-ending. And us? Our lives here on earth are numbered, but our spiritual existance is never-ending.

This whole thought is wonderful and fearful at the same time. I do hope that when it is my time, I will get the chance to see the universe as it is. I cannot even fathom the reality right now. As I try, I feel just so small, and dizzy from wondering what's out there. That's a lot of space to fill up....

I praise God for all He's created, how mighty He is, and that He's the one in charge. And while I'm small, I praise God that he can be small too. I'm small, I'm not insignificant. For that, I praise God.

(Saturday)Praise for Kid Kisses

On Saturday, I was at my boyfriend's house, getting ready for church. And I applied my make-up in the process, including my lip gloss. And on my way out the door, I tapped my cheek for my boyfriend to give me a cheek peck so that I wouldn't smudge my make-up. And he complied. And then I did the same for his son, who sat in his lap. And without hesitation, this precious 4 year old, the same one who isn't big on cuddles and other signs of affection unless on his own terms, reached his lips up and gave me a soft kiss right on my cheek. I swear, I think my cheek was warm for the rest of the day.

Praise for Memories

My dad and me doing our favorite past-time
My dad's 60th birthday is coming up, and it's been my job for quite some time to make up the invitation. And since today was the deadline, naturally I started it today. So, I'm going through all the photo albums, and through my dad's desk where he holds some old unseen photos. And I got lost in these photos. I must have spent three hours putting the flyer together, and half of that was just going through the photo albums.


My dad leading me on our old horse, "Pumkin".
I had a great childhood. Contrary to what I believed as a teenager, I had it great. My parents took us to Disneyland, up to the snow, to the beach. We lived at a house that had a huge backyard, and I cannot remember a time when we did not have a horse or two dogs. Looking back at these photos reminded me of how close (well, sometimes) my sisters and I were. It reminded me of the old days when life was simple. It made me happy.


At Knott's Berry Farm: Me, my sister Melissa, my sister Heather, and of course, my dad.
So tonight I praise God for memories, happy memories. I praise God for this opportunity I had today to recall my childhood, to see my parents as younger and less sure of themselves, and to be able to be a virtual witness to a time when things were simpler.

Praise for Questions

Today (yesteday) I praise God that I do not have to hold my beliefs in a neat little box. I praise God that when we call ourselves Christian, that it can mean so many different things, and that's ok. I worried for awhile, because my faith looked very different from my friends of the same church. I worried that I really wasn't Christian, and that's all I've ever known myself to be. At times I still wonder if I can truly call myself a follower of Christ. My faith is so messy, so all over the place. But God allows us that room to interpret Him and His word so many different ways. We have had our faith passed down through so many men and in so many different ways, that our beliefs could not possibly be perfect. God will not hold that against us. He asks us to honor Him, to serve Him. We can try our best to get closest to the TRUTH, but it is not until we stand in His presence in the next life that we will know the ins and outs of what IS, what WAS, and what IT ALL MEANS. And for that, for nothing in this life being forced to be concrete, for being able to have doubts, questions, wonderment, and not have it held against us, I praise God.

Praise for Freedom and Strength

Freedom. What is it? It is the ability to choose according to self. It is the ability to move without force. It is the ability to think and speak truthfully without fear. It is the ability to be. Just be. And not be inhibited by another.

There was a time when freedom was a foreign word. I was a woman in chains. And today I praise God twice over, for my freedom, and for my newfound strength.

Years of abuse, and I finally made the move to pack up my children and leave. It was not that simple. Though my actions could have made me a free woman, my heart and mind did not. Remnants of the past haunted me, kept me tied. Some days I would praise God for saving me from a life that would surely kill me. Some days I would curse God for taking away all I felt I knew anymore. I was lost. I was a shell. I was dead.

Over the last two years, I have been regaining my freedom. I have realized that I am not an owned woman. I am myself. And I am in charge of myself. The guilt I would feel for feeling certain things, or doing certain things started to subside when I was able to convince my mind of the truth. He did not own me. Anger took its place when I realized he really never did. At least, he did not have that right, and I had believed he did.

Fast forward to today. I am a new person. I am me. And I like me. But I still hold some ghosts of the past. And now I am taking the necessary measures to be free of the past forever. And it's not comfortable, though the thoughts of the resulted future, free from a tyrant, keep me going full force. And I am realizing that it is time to stop worrying about others before myself and my family, when myself and my family should be my BIGGEST concern.

In the Bible, the story of Noah's Ark is told. And we all remember the story we were told as children. Animals were brought to the boat in pairs. The boat was sealed shut with the animals, Noah, his family and their families. Together they floated on a never-ending ocean of flood for 40 days and 40 nights. When it had stopped raining for a while, they sent out a dove who finally found land. Then God sent a rainbow to the earth as a promise of never flooding the earth again.

Beautiful story.

As a child, I remember thinking how horrible and boring it must have been to be cooped up that long. I wondered how the animals behaved themselves, even how they went the bathroom. How did Noah's family eat, and how did Noah keep the animals from eating each other? My thoughts were with Noah, the Ark, and all its inhabitants, through their journey to their freedom when new land was discovered when the dove did not return.

But what of the rest of the world?

The story is told a little differently when you think of it in the outsiders' position. What of these people, the same who had mocked him? They drowned to death. How did Noah feel when he heard the cries outside, the pleading to let them in? How did he feel as he heard them suffer and die? Did it haunt him? How could he let them all suffer that way while he and his family were safe from harm? Why did he not open the Ark and let in as many people as he could?

He couldn't. This was God's command. Imagine if he had opened the Ark, disobeying God. The boat would be swarmed. Crime would fill the boat, possibly through murder, rape, slaughter of animals. The very thing that God was washing away would still remain after the flood. And God's will would be undone. No, when we hear the story of Noah's Ark, we concern ourselves with the will of God, and what the result was. And it is understood why the outsiders were left behind, for we get to see the end result.



This has become my realization in my own life. I must forget the outsiders' plight. I must save myself so I can save my family for the better good, keeping my children safe from the very harm I escaped two years ago. I must make sure that my life will not be repeated through them, and that the very lifestyle I am protecting them from is not deemed normal. These are my only concerns through my freedom that I am becoming more and more acquainted with every day. If I try to save the outsiders, I will end up drowning as they pull me under. So I am moving ever forward, toward a future I long for with no hint of the past, and I will not look back any longer. My words are not meek. My actions are with purpose, my heart in the right place, my mind more sound than ever. In this, I praise God for my newfound strength, what He gave me when I realized the fullness of my freedom.

Praise for Home

            "People say she's crazy
            She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
            Well that's one way to lose these
            Walking blues
            She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes...."

This morning I was driving home after I dropped Lucas off at preschool. I was listening to Paul Simon's "Graceland", having grabbed the CD on a whim before I had left to drop him off. And this song was playing, my favorite on the album. And as I sat at the corner of Farmer's Lane and where HWY 12 dumps the freeway traffic, I noticed a woman walking down the side of the freeway. She was dressed in a cotton dress, her hair pulled up in a twist at the nape of her neck, her earrings medium sized balls dangling low, a purse slung over her shoulder. She was older, maybe late 60's, early 70's. And I thought it odd that she was walking down the freeway. I wondered if she had run out of gas or something. She was shielding her eyes from the sun with a piece of paper. And when she reached the bottom of the freeway exit, she turned around and rested against a lamppost, holding the sign in front of her, along with money that she counted and recounted. And I realized with surprise that this woman was begging. She looked clean, like she cared about her appearance, and I realized the stereotype I hold in me about certain people. Because she looked so normal, it seemed odd that she was there at this major intersection, counting her money and begging for more.

The sight of this woman made me think about my comforts once again, one that I thank the Lord for time and time again. I was driving on my way HOME. Home. What a wonderful word that is! When I hear the word HOME, I think of someplace warm, where love is abundant. Home can be many places, it doesn't mean just a house. And I have several places I can call HOME. And for that I am eternally greatful.

Today I praise God for my home, for the love and comfort I have in my life. The Lord has blessed me so immensely that I cannot praise Him enough for this. I pray for that woman, that maybe she does have a place that she can call HOME, and for anyone else stuck on a corner with an outstretched hand, and even those that appear to have diamonds on the soles of their shoes.

More Praise for Camp

"This is a strange and wonderful place." It's what's written on our camp's cupboard in one of the buildings, and the words rang through my head all week long. They seemed to sum it up perfectly. There's something about camp. You get there, and the dust overwhelms you. You get eaten alive by mosquitos that will only leave you alone after you smell like a saturated pine cone, and biting flies that will eat you no matter what. If you have allergies (and I do), your face will feel like it will fall off by the third day. You hike down a hill to get somewhere. You hike back up the hill to get back. You have to wait in line for a shower, and you're not gauranteed hot water. The dining hall smells not so faintly of sour milk. The salad is served lunch and dinner, and looks slightly brown by the 7th day. And I think I'll be fine if I don't eat red jello until next year. We go to bed late and wake up way too early, and are completely sleep deprived by the end of camp. The pool is ice cold and crowded, and my feet are torn up from the rough bottom, not to mention the blisters from all that hiking.... And still, I come back every year.

There's something about camp. Geeks are suddenly the cool kids. The cool kids are suddenly not so critical, and are jumping and singing with everyone else. Everyone is equal, and fully themselves. Everyone is comfortable in their skin. Friendships are made that seem closer than any other friendship ever felt. Everything is funny, happy, surreal.... It is not uncommon to hear someone singing songs about bazooka bubble gum or swimming holes, or even odes to their dirty black socks. The stars are brighter at camp, and sleeping on planks under them is magical. Crafts such as making pillows or wind chimes never sounded more appealing. Campfire every night was hilarious, from "Safety Court", a mock court improv that targeted those who broke the safety rules, to another chaperone's and my "clean camp" competition. This year the campfire burned bigger and brighter than ever, partly thanks to the expertise of one of our staff, but I think because the spirit was alive and jumping to the music with us.

As the teens' Adult Advisor, I got to get to know them pretty well, and some extremely close. I was confided in, trusted even though I was an "adult". There were nights that I got so little sleep just because the camp spirit was there, creating lasting friendship bonds that I will treasure always. I had the best week this year at camp, even though I had worked harder than any year there. On one of the nights, I got to get to know two of my staffers better than ever. And while I was still the adult and they were still teenagers, a bridge was formed that forgot that temporarily. The conversation will stay with me forever, "between us and the trees", and it meant so much to realize that not only could bonds form between the teens, but with us chaperones as well. I have watched this staff for the past three years, watched them grow from kids to responsible teens. They ran the camp, working hard to make up for the shorthanded staff. And it was the best camp we ever had. And it is bittersweet to end the camp week, for I know that next year I will not see several of them, including some that promise they'll come back. Plans change, their lives a neverending swirl as they prepare for college, get wrapped up in there love lives, move away, change their minds..... And I'll miss them terribly.

I cannot put words to camp and do it justice. All I know is, this morning before I left, I sat down in "Woody's Circle", an area where we held our opening and closing ceremonies, and just took in all I was about to leave behind until next year. The benches surrounding it were empty, but for a moment I saw laughing campers filling each seat. I saw our teen staff in front, the ones who worked all week long to make sure a bunch of kids were happy and taken care of. Camp songs echoed in my ears, as if the camp spirit surrounded me and enveloped me like a ghost. I saw the beautiful trees, heard the gurgling creek, breathed in the forest air. I believe that there are certain places that are our heavens on earth, and this is one of mine....