Dance like nobody's watching.....

Dance like nobody's watching;
Love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening
Live like it's heaven on earth.

~Mark Twain~

Where does my faith lie?

It was pointed out to me that I am putting a lot of things before God. I appear to have more faith in Randy than I do in God. What do I mean? I fear Randy and am stressed out by this situation more than I trust that God will be there for me and will see that the best situation will prevail.

I was angry after the court date on Monday. In that courtroom, I was disrespected, I was made out to be more interested in righting my scorn than protecting my children, it was all made out to be ugly, and then was not resolved because a continuance was granted. I left there feeling let down, like God had left me for dead. I was angry, hurt, and just plain exhausted at the idea of having to go through this all again, this time with lawyers. And I know that if Randy cannot make himself look better, he will instead drag my name through the mud and make me look worse. And because I have so much "faith" in him and he knows it, he is able to rile me up and make me appear more passionate than determined. This is what happened briefly on Monday, and it will happen again if I am not careful.

So right now I am just angry. I am angry that it was brought up that I had so much faith in Randy, and that my faith in God was lacking. I'm angry that this person even had the audacity to say such things to me. And I am angry because what was brought up was the utter truth. Right now my faith in God is nil. I do not trust Him. I am more focused on what Randy will do and what I need to do. And I am so unsure about what it takes to let all this go and put it in God's hands without sitting on my laurels in the interim. I am confused about where the balance is, what my part is. And I have yet to just sit down and take some time to pray to God and seek out the answers.

My friend did point out to me that God was there with me in that courtroom. He was in the bailiff who apparently was Randy's friend and put me down. He was in Randy who sat there smugly while I appeared angry and passionate to the judge. He was in the mediator who asked me to seek counseling because I might be letting my anger dictate what's best for my children. And how? He lit a fire under me. He let me know that fighting this on my own is not going to cut it, and it's time to make some serious changes for the better of my future.

But then, even after all that, what does my fight say about my faith? I am so utterly confused. I have spent so long getting Randy out of my life. He used to consume it. I was able to back off so that he didn't. But the truth is, at bad times with Randy, when Randy would start his crap again, it did consume me. So maybe I haven't healed after all. And now the confusing part is that this court case and all then things about it, especially Randy, are consuming me again. This has become my whole focus, and I am stressed out beyond belief. And when I'm then told that I have more faith in Randy than I have in God, what do I do? How do I remedy that without backing down from my fight? I've gotten this far, if I back down, Randy will own me. The message sent to him will be that he can do anything he wants and there will be no reprecussions. And if I fight this fight harder than I have been, as I thought I was being prompted to do, am I putting God on the back burner once again and "worshipping" Randy? I have been prompted to go for Randy's parental rights terminated, and now I feel like I'm being told that this is going way too far.

This whole case seems to be threatening all parts of my life. And just that thought alone shows more faith in Randy than in God.

I have no lighthearted and inspirational end for this entry.

Prayer for Triumph

"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more."
Psalm 10: 17-18

Hear me, oh Lord. I am at your feet, begging for your attention, begging for your mercy. Let the battle be stopped, once and for all. Lord, I cannot stand this any longer. I beg for your help today in court. I implore you to give me the words to say, and that the judge will hear. I need you to show yourself today, I daresay I demand it. His terrorizing of me has gone on long enough. His poisoned parenting needs to be struck down. You entrusted me with the care of your children you have blessed me with, save them from the harm that Randy is inflicting on them. I demand this. I cannot stand idly by any longer. I cannot pretend that things will be better for the sake of peace. Things are getting worse. I need your help today. I need your guidance, your intervention. I need your will to be safety for me and my children, for this ugly war to be ended. Lord, don't let this be drawn out any longer. Please guide Judge Bertoli in seeing the truth, with no blinders on whatsoever. Let him see the monster I am dealing with. I beg you. Lord, I have not done nearly enough for you. You have created me and saved me. You have blessed me time and time again. I am not worthy of your grace. But I beg you to deem me worthy, to allow me and my children to rise up out of this turmoil that has been weighing us down once and for all. Please Lord. Grant me strength. Grant me wisdom. Grant me words with power. Grant me the power to not be a victim any longer. Let this all be over. Amen.

A Welcome Distraction

I was sitting on the steps at the courthouse, my stomach in knots. My purpose for being there was to file the remaining papers for my custody case coming up on Monday, and just the thought of submitting more paperwork to be served to my ex was nerve-wracking enough. So I was sitting on the steps, trying to work up the nerve to just walk in the court door and request the files I needed for my case. And I prayed.

"Lord, I know I am trying not to ask you for too much. But I really need your help now. I need strength to get up and file the papers I need to file, and I need help in that courtroom on Monday. Please help me!"

"Do you have a cell phone?" a girl asked me as she walked up to me from across the parking lot, stopping my internal prayer immediately. She wore lots of eye makeup, and hoop earrings larger than her ears. But her bright eyes and her nervous giggle gave away her innocence. I reached into my purse and pulled out my cell. "Never mind," she said. "I'm not even sure who to call." Upon more information, I learned that her 19 year old boyfriend had just been arrested, and he had asked her, without her driver's license, to move the car. It was in the 90 minute parking, and had already been there for a half hour. And she was nervous about moving it, as she might get in trouble. I agreed that it really wasn't the best course of action. She finally asked me if I could move it, and I agreed to help her out.

Together we walked to the car. "It has a flat tire!" I said, upon inspection. She sheepishly said she knew. I hesitantly said that I guess I could move it to the sheriff's parking lot, but I was really nervous about driving on a flat tire, because it would ruin the car. We finally decided that the best thing we could do was drive her in my car to a family member's house in town so she could get help.

"What's your name?" she asked, once in the car. It was silly that we hadn't even gotten that far in the conversation.
"Crissi," I said. "What's yours?"
"Maricella. It's nice to meet you, Crissi" And she stuck her hand out and took mine.
"How old are you, Maricella?" I asked. She told me she was almost 16. She asked how old I was. I told her 28. She was surprised, telling me she thought I was only 19. Oh bless her!!! She had an earnestness about her. She was so brutally honest about her life, innocently so, and jabbered on and on about her family and boyfriend like it was all my business. She told me she had 5 sisters and one brother, ranging from 19 years to 5 months. She was excited about starting to work once she was 16 so she could have her own money, and talked about her cousin who was 17 and already was able to afford her own car. And she talked about how none of her family and friends liked her boyfriend.

"How long have you been with him?" I asked her. She said only 3 months, but they had known each other for 2 years. She asked why I had been at the courts, and I briefly told her that I was going through some custody and restraining order issues with my ex. She asked if he was in jail too, and I told her that he was, but he had been bailed out. I asked her why her boyfriend was in jail. She told me it was on domestic violence issues involving his last girlfriend, and some drug issues were threatening to complicate it. I told her about my past experience with my ex, and now he was doing the same to his new girlfriend. "And since I have children with him, I will never have him out of my life." I told her that I hesitated to stick my nose in her business, but I warned her that a man who has these issues never changes unless he gets the help he needs to overcome them. She swore that she had already informed him that if he hit her, she was gone and the police would be involved. I heard myself at 17 in her words. "Kind of a lot of stuff to be going through in a relationship that's so new, huh?" I mused. She agreed. And I let her know that even if she couldn't rescue his car, it was really his problem, and not hers.

I dropped her off at her cousin's house, and waited to drive away when I saw her go inside. I finished up the work I needed to do, taking pictures of houses, and then drove back to the courts to wrap up what I had initially come to do. Without butterflies, I marched into the law office, got the information from the past cases. And because the line was so long, I headed back home so I could finish getting them in order and organized for submitting first thing tomorrow morning. And then I am done until Monday.

I'm not really sure of the lesson I got from Maricella. It did make me think that if only Randy had been called out on what he was guilty of right when it started, maybe he'd be a different man today, and I never would have had to endure much of what I went through. And it made me confident that no matter what, I had to take all the action that was possible to ensure that the kids received the best possible future. Whether that includes their dad depends on him.

But as for Maricella, I pray that she received some sort of insight from me as to the future she faces with the man she is with, or others like him. I pray that I may have said the words that planted a seed of wisdom in her for a better life than the one she might be headed for. And I thank God for this welcome distraction who took away my nervousness and gave me strength.

Prayer

When someone asks me for prayers for them, sometimes I wonder what the point is. If God is going to make the world go round with His purpose, and everything happens for reasons only He knows, why would He change His mind because of my meek prayers? This is why I sometimes feel funny about asking people for prayers. A lot of times when something's big enough in my life that I seek outside help in pleading with God, I still feel foolish. God put those things in my path for a reason. He will remedy them (if that's His will), when the time is right. And asking Him for acceptance of such tasks? I know in my heart that He will grant that also when timing is right. Sometimes He just wants me to struggle. The questions I have regarding faith? Part of a bigger picture than I can grasp my mind around.

So what's the point of prayer? I came to a faithless conclusion recently that prayer is more for our needs than God's ears. Maybe we are praying to work things out inside of ourselves, to kind of brainwash ourselves into working things out on our own. Kind of hopeless, huh? Where does that leave our need for God? If God doesn't hear our prayers, and just does things on His own basis, how can we have a trusting relationship with Him?

And then there's the opposite side of the spectrum: freewill. God allows us to choose our own way, our own paths, to even sin freely. Consequences happen with every action, but we are in control of how those play out by what we choose to do with each choice. Where's God in this? Can we truly say that we are 100% absolutely in control of our lives? Yet again, this extreme leaves little room for a relationship with God.

A friendly blogger explained things to me in a different way. Both ways are true, our job is to land somewhere in the middle. Tony pointed out that though complex, God is not bound by time and sees all things at once. And yes, it still seems confusing. But he then added a visual that gave me a simpler way to think about it:

"It's like if I have my foot in a pond and some fish see it and freak out. To them, all they know is that I am in the pond. However, from my view I am both in the pond and outside of it. Suddenly I pull my foot out... did the fish stirring around my toe tickle me into doing it or did I simply decide to pull my foot out?

That's the real question of prayer."

I still need to reflect on this. I do pray all the time, but I've been trying to focus less on asking, and more on worshipping through prayer. I figured that even though God might be too big to hear my requests, at least I can thank Him for all He's blessed me with. And while this explanation that Tony gave me actually explains that God is NOT too big to help us when we ask, I also realize that maybe I need to give grace rather than asking for it.

Instructions for Life

Holy week

Yesterday was Palm Sunday, and it keeps running through my mind how things were 2,000 years ago. Jesus comes into the town of Jeruselem, a King on a donkey. The townspeople treated him like royalty. "Hosana" they cried, "Save us!". They laid their cloaks on the ground so that his donkey would not have to walk in the mud. They laid palms down, marking his path with high honor. Picturing it, I'm sure there were people crying as they cried out, hands outstretched to hopefully get even the faintest touch of this man they had been hearing so much about.

"Hosanna!"
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Blessed is the King of Israel!"

What made them change? What once were pleas for rescue and worship, 6 days later were demands for blood and torture, and death. "Crucify him!" Why? He was claiming to be the son of God. Yet days before, they had praised him as a king. But in that short amount of time, everything changed. There were no outstretched hands. There were no cries of "Hosana". There were no palms laid at his feet. Instead there was a crown of thorns. Instead they spat on him and threw things at him. The king they had honored days before was reduced to the lowest of criminals.

They shouted, "Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!"
"Shall I crucify your king?" Pilate asked.
"We have no king but Caesar," the chief priests answered.

---

When Lucas was a baby, I felt this desperate urge to seek out God again. But I couldn't do it on my own. I was introduced to the church I now go to, and discovered an intimacy with Jesus I had never experienced before. I will say here that you do not need a church to be this close to Jesus, he meets us wherever we seek him. For me, I sought him out in church. And he embraced me.

Through the years, I nurtured this relationship with Christ. He helped me through some very hard trials in my life: the stillbirth of my son, the abuse of my husband, the lonliness of my life, my divorce and the aftermath, and now, the regaining of my children through trials with their father. And I see it now that it was not me seeking him out, he sought me. I tremble to think of how things would have been had I not become reacquainted with him at the time that I did. For a year later, after our relationship was cemented, that is when I lost my son. How would things have been had I not had a close relationship with Jesus? I would have died. Literally died. The pain would have been too immense. And I would have hated God for taking my son away. I would not have understood. I would have hated God, and I would have died with that hate intwined in my soul. And if I didn't die then, the torpedoes that followed afterwards wold have surely killed me. But Jesus knew the details of my life so well that he sought me out so that I would not have been alone when tragedy struck. Non-believers would surely ask why God would strike such suffering on my life to begin with. Why does suffering have to take place at all? How can a merciful God torment his people? There is no one short answer. Each person's trials are for different purposes. But the basis for suffering is growth. If life on earth was perfect, no cause for pain and suffering, we would have no need for Jesus. And our growth would be stunted. What would we strive for if there was nothing to overcome? Once I overcame my son's death and all that followed, I came out stronger than ever, in my faith, as a person, and for others who needed me to comfort them as I had once been comforted.

But I am one of those townspeople. My life got comfortable. Once I cried out to Jesus, "Save me!" I pleaded with him to take away my pain. He didn't, not right away. Instead he saved me by helping to give me the tools to handle the pain and triumph over what used to be obstacles. I pleaded with him to make my marriage better. He didn't. Instead he gave me a loving expample of what a marriage should be by placing me back in the safety of my parent's home. I pleaded with him to give me money. He didn't. Instead he taught me about needs and wants, and I saw that I had all I needed, and wanted for nothing. And through all this I was pleased. But in times of extreme comfort, I pleaded for nothing. Not even the intimacy I had with Jesus. Jesus was my Santa Claus, I asked for what I wanted for my life. And when it was well, I left him to be crucified.

I did this. I made my life. I am well because I have taken the necessary means to save myself. Jesus? Yeah, he's just some man who once lived. Sure, I treated him as holy when I needed. But now that things are great, I don't really need him right now. Besides, he keeps getting in my way when I want to do the things I want to do, he keeps disagreeing with me over what I should be doing. I know what is right for my life, I got myself this far, right?

"Crucify him!"

"Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

Jesus, you are my Lord. You lived as a holy example for my life. You lived so that I could experience intimacy with God. And you suffered and died so that I could be with you one day. When I deny you, I am denying your holiness, and how much I need you in all aspects of my life. I am sorry. You honor me a million times more than I have ever attempted to honor you. And though I could never get close to the multitude of your grace, I have not been even trying to praise you with all I am capable of. I am here because of you. It is through you that all things in my life are possible. And I plead with you now for that desperation for you in all I do. Lord, I am at your mercy. May I crucify you no longer. Amen.

In the news today....

An ancient manuscript rediscovered after 1,700 years takes a "contrarian" view of the relationship between Jesus and Judas, the disciple who handed him over for crucifixion.

Instead of portraying Judas Iscariot as a traitor, as the canonical gospels of the New Testament do, this document — the Gospel of Judas — indicates that he acted at the request of Jesus to help him shed his earthly body.

Read more....

Interesting.

And in other news.....

Combining evidence of a cold snap 2,000 years ago with sophisticated mapping of the Sea of Galilee, Israeli and U.S. scientists have come up with a theory for how Jesus could have walked on water.

Their theory: It may have been floating ice.

Read more...

If this article is true, will this hurt your faith? Will you claim that science is lying, even if all proof is in the ice? Or will you believe it to be true, and then doubt the holiness of Jesus? Can science and faith coexist?

America, the atheist country

My dear Buddhist friend forwarded this to me, and I thought it refreshing enough to pass on....

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary, Sunday, 12/18/05.

Here at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my
beating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are.
I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am
buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers
at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are
either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they
are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I
don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I
am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and
Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no longer young,
it's not so bad.

Next confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.
And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call
those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't
feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what
they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when
people say "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are
slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters
celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all
that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection
near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's
just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't
think Christians like getting pushed around for being
Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired
of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the
concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist
country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like
it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: Where did the idea come from
that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed
to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.

But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and
Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her, "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorist attacks, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide.) We said an expert should know what he's
talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says!

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?