Selfish

This morning I woke up in a messy room, and just stared at the wall paper on the walls. This wall paper has been on my wall since I was a preteen and my mom decided to do a do-it-yourself wallpapering project in our room. She never asked my sister or I if we wanted wallpaper in our room, she just wanted to do it. Unfortunately, my mom is famous for starting projects and never finishing them. Our front bathroom is half painted with new wainscoting that is only primered. The outside of our house still has the old paint color showing through on the edges that were never finished being painted. The front hall has chipped tile that my mom has talked about retiling for years. And my bedroom is half wallpapered, and is ripped in areas where my sis and I started to tear it, and where my son attempted to finish the job. And while the pattern that she used is probably extinct, and nobody wallpapers their walls anymore anyway, she still won't let me take it down and redo my bedroom. And all the bitterness I've been feeling the last couple of days welled up inside of me as I thought about my job situation and how it isn't what I imagined it to be, and how it feels like I'll never be able to afford to pay off all my bills and move out and finally support my kids on my own. And how I'll forever be stuck in a room that is the largest room in the house and still too small for me and the kids and all our stuff that we've downsized to since we just don't have the room to have everything we want.

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And then I thought back to 2 years ago at the old house, before things changed. We were nearing Christmas. Our electricity had already been shut off, but we were greatful to still have gas because that meant we could still have heat from our oven. We were "borrowing" electricity from the apartment garages behind us to feed our extension cord so we could have light and unspoiled food in our fridge. And we could not afford Christmas. But we were blessed by groceries from one of the homegroups at our church, and a Thanksgiving meal from my family. Christmas gifts that year were slim: little trinkets from Chinatown, $20 spent to make sure that the kids at least got to open up something that morning. Plus we were saved when Randy's family gave us our presents to put under our donated tree. Randy and I skipped giving each other presents, since it was the kids that mattered most. And I nearly cried when my darling daughter exclaimed that she was so surprised to have presents that morning at all, serously not expecting anything because of how poor we were. The house was dark and always in shambles, food was practically conjured up as sometimes I wasn't sure what I could make out of nothing, I never entertained anymore and lost contact with a lot of friends. And the stress was so deep it was excrutiating. Our marriage was horrible and I was so depressed I wanted to die. NOTHING gave me joy, and it appeared like things could never look up.

When I moved back home, every little thing meant so much. And I took nothing for granted. I used to sit in the living room with all the lights on, seriously overjoyed at the prospect of elecricity. I'd go to bed at night, smiling because my belly was full, I was comfortable and safe, and I was warm. I wasted nothing, because I knew what it was like to HAVE nothing. When I passed homeless on the street, I gave them money I had, even though I had no control over what they spent it on. I knew the blessing 5 extra dollars could bring. I felt so lucky to be given use of the family van, as it carried me and my kids everywhere we needed to be, and made life so much more convenient. And I felt so important to have a job where I was trusted to enter people's exquisite homes, some of the best in Sonoma County, and to be treated occasionally to lunch by my dad, the bonus being that I got extra time with him. I was truly blessed!

And now, here I am, totally comfortable in this lifestyle just being handed to me, and I am complaining. I complain about my van and its maintenance problems, and how unglamorous it is, even though it's been a blessing to me. I complain about my lack of privacy, when I am surrounded by love. I complain about not being able to turn the heat up as much as I want to, when I have a heated house to begin with. I complain about living in a crowded room with half wallpapered walls and the mess because of the lack of space, when I have a warm place to lay my head at night. I complain about how lowpaying my job is, when I HAVE a job. I complain about not being able to have a place to call my own, when I HAVE A PLACE.

I am doing exactly what I prayed to God that I would never do. I am taking all my blessings for granted, and forgetting where I came from. At this very moment, someone is living in a worse hell than I ever did. At this moment, someone is dying while they are living on the cold streets. When I go outside at this time of night and shiver from the cold, I get to go back inside and get warm. At this moment, maybe even less than 10 miles away, someone else doesn't have their PG&E on, have no heat whatsoever, and is unsure how they're going to conjure up their next meal. And while I am confident that never again will I ever have to face that kind of hell, there are many people who can't even imagine what it's like to receive the blessings that I have. I am selfish, I am all talk, I am a fraud.

This Thursday, UGO4God will be at Papago Ct. in Santa Rosa. Rudy and Lori are out of commission for a short time as Lori heals from her surgery tomorrow, but the mission is being taken up by Pastor Russ at Hope West. Please CLICK HERE to get information on how you can help out this Thursday by bringing supplies, or passing out supplies and praying for those who need prayer. Remember your blessings, and those who desperately need what we take for granted. Let God bless you by blessing others. And may I never forget again what has been given to me, and what I'm supposed to do with it.

Simple Christianity

You know what I hate about Christianity? How segregated and complicated it is. And in our Christian community, it's just accepted that this is the way it is. I hate that there is a million and one different religions out there, but we claim to be the one true religion, no flaws whatsoever in our beliefs. And anyone who disagrees is going to hell. I hate that there are some very wonderful people out there, people who have given so much of their lives for others, but who are "destined to hell" because they aren't Christians. I hate that some of these people are "destined to hell" because not only do they not know Jesus, but they never got the chance. And I hate that there are "Christians" who believe they are going to heaven when they give nothing of themselves whatsoever, and hold onto their belongings like they are true treasures.

I hate judgment over others.

I hate what Christians have done to Christianity. I hate the condemnation. I hate that the bible has been translated and interpreted in so many ways that it is impossible to know what came from man and what came from God. I hate how much our bible contradicts itself: a loving God who floods the world, destroys cities, and strikes down unsuspecting "wrongdoers"; rules and rules that say this and that, then are completely diregarded; thou shalt not kill, but wars upon wars are deemed necessary by God, and glorified by David in God's name. I hate that unless I am absolutely holy and keep myself pure, I am unworthy. I hate thinking that everything I do, or want to do, is wrong. I hate that I "know better". I hate that when I am completely free, I am not.

I hate that it is impossible to be free of sin.

There are times when I am so angry at God, at how his judgement will never find me, or the rest of the world, holy. I hate how big he is, and how invisible I feel at times. I hate the whole old testament, and what man has made of it. I hate how confusing the whole thing is.

But you know what I love? I love Jesus. I can't end this rant without saying so. I love the acceptance and the light he exploded into this world. If we take away the whole old testament, and meditate on Jesus, it's all so simple and all so loving. There are times when I just don't want to even say I'm religious, to put a name on it, because I hate what it's become so much. I just want to follow Jesus, to give more and more to others, and to just be exactly who I am, perfect with my "flaws" and all. I love how simple Jesus wants it to be, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven..." Matthew 18:3 I believe that Jesus wants us to just trust Him, stop overanalyzing and looking for all the answers. Stop bringing it upon ourselves to save the world, but allow Him to do it. I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate our faith and want to share it, but we need to stop condemning everyone to hell, and forcing our beliefs on others. Forget the rules. Just be good and love others the best we can. That simple.

Don't read into this entry, I'm just spewing.

Need a laugh?

I know I do. This one makes my tender-past-fluish belly hurt!


1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on
and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they
slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to
espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a
serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry reading and ask why the poems
don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your
wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I
Won! I Won!"

18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

It's called therapy.

Sick :-(

So yesterday I spent the whole day on the couch, laid up with the flu. And I had the flu in every sense of the word! Not fun. I couldn't even eat anything, and Summer was so concerned about me. But the good news is that those wonderful kids of mine were on their best behavior. Summer made her own lunch and breakfast, and took care of Lucas too. And they played outside most of the day, but when they were inside they hung out with me and watched all my chick flicks I wanted to watch, all without complaint. Of course, we also caught up on Jimmy Neutron with their marathon. Lucas already had this flu, and he's the one who gave it to me. He spent his inside hours laying as close to me as he could get without making me sick. Hopefully it will bypass Summer, since they are going to their dad's house today and I don't want them spreading it on. And I would offer to keep the kids this weekend so that Randy's household won't catch it, but I'm still feeling a little weak and queasy, and could really use the kid free days.

So that's my world right now. Hope the flu bypasses all of you!

Talking to God

I relish the fact that I live near the ocean. We are lucky souls, indeed.

Yesterday I had some work to do near our ocean town, and instead of heading back inland when I was done, I headed even farther out to catch the impending sunset before it was too late. It was 4:30 pm, and the sky was already a bright red, the sun on fire as it made its descent.

I got caught behind a car full of teens, obviously taking the speed limit signs literally , and then some. They were driving 10 miles below the speed limit, and the guy in back kept looking back at my impatient car getting closer and closer. I remembered my own nervousness once upon a time when I was a new driver, intimidated by the winds and curves, and the threat of driving straight off the cliff, and I backed off. But I feared that I would get to the ocean too late.

But when I arrived at the first and most popular beach, the sun was still a bright red orb just barely touching the ocean. I got out of my car and made my way down to the beach by way of the stairs. Halfway down, a blond haired guy in his early 20's sat there smoking a cigarette. "Beautiful sunset, isn't it?" he asked me, and I agreed. "The only reason I came here," I replied. "Me too!" he said back. I half decided to stay there with him and be sure to catch the last chance I had to just stand there and enjoy the final descent. But I kept on going.

Part of me regretted my decision, as the sky was empty when I reached the sandy beach. But when I reached the ocean itself and saw the miracle of God in the pink clouds and swirling seagulls, I wrapped myself in peace and greatfulness.

Alone on a beach with God, the only other people in the form of couples a safe distance away, I sang songs of praise into the wind, only heard by me, the waves, and God. And I breathed in life in the form of sea air. And I thanked God once again for my life, for freedom, for all the gifts being showered upon me. I am whole.

Eery.....

Today's horoscope for Sagittarius (not that I believe in these things...): Today Mercury goes retrograde in your sign. This guarantees that people from your past will start coming out of the woodwork. "Look! There's another one!" You might also talk to ex partners and old friends you haven't seen for awhile. You're surrounded.

Pretty eery... Ran into an old boyfriend today, and we are going on a date tonight. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... And I'm nervous and excited all at the same time... But how's that for my horoscope being right on the money? Wierd. Wonder if all the million Sag's around the world alos ran in to their old flames?

River God

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand
("River God" sung by Mindy Gledhill/Nicole Nordeman)


Lord, thank you for all you've done to shape me. I want to be smooth in your hands.

Growing.....

There is such a need for the healing touch of Christ in our communities. I see this struggle in the body of Christ. I see those who long to serve God with an undivided heart but their heart is broken. I see those who feel pulled in two, torn between the grace and mercy of God and the pain and cruelty of the world. Those of us who have gone through similar experiences can share some of the burden of our wounded brothers and sisters, but only Christ can fully know what any one soul is bearing. So we take the load to Him.
Whatever you are carrying, take it to Jesus. That may sound simple and trite, but it is the very best choice that any of us can make. He who knelt in the garden and sweat drops of blood, who had His body whipped and ripped on a wooden cross, understands the agony that tears at your soul. As he knelt in Gethsemane, facing the horror of what lay ahead, he prayed,
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42
There is a healing in the will of God, a pulling together of all the pieces of our lives. It doesn’t mean that we will always understand what is happening to us, but we bring our torn edges to Him who holds us together.
-Sheila Walsh

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A year ago I was asked to write a call to worship, and I came across it today. And I'm kind of amazed at how much I've changed in this past year, apparent by my writings. So I thought I'd share what I wrote here....

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I believe that every single move we make has a purpose, as minor as it seems. God has orchestrated our whole lives to fit into His purpose. 3 ½ years ago, he spoke through an old friend of mine, and she introduced me to Hope Chapel. I’ve been a Christian all my life, but non-practicing. I had the beliefs, but was clueless about the walk. I came here week after week, I’m sure you saw me. I was the one bawling in the second row. When you’ve gone through life not feeling Jesus, and then are suddenly surrounded by Him, it can be overwhelming. But I still never got involved. I’d been raised to experience religion in a very private way, and just to raise my hands in song was mortifying.

God’s reasons for bringing me to Hope were far greater than just learning how to worship Him. Two years ago, 7 ½ months into my third pregnancy, I lost my son to a cord accident. It was a total shock. But the biggest thing was, had I not been learning how to feel closer to God, I don’t know how I would have coped.

After Connor died I was a walking mess. I’d love to say that I leaned into the Lord and everything turned out ok. But that’s not exactly how it happened. The good parts were that I saw my church family react in a way I had never experienced. Members of the church I barely knew attended the funeral, donated food for the wake, and helped serve at my house afterwards. For two weeks after my son died, my family’s meals were provided for. I would come to church and receive love and support from strangers who I would soon see as my church family.

But the bad part was my marriage and family failed. I don’t want to get into the whole mess up here on stage, but this has been the hardest year yet of my life. And I am still trying to pick up the pieces of myself that I’ve lost along the way.

But in this walk, I have seen myself grow in ways I never thought I would. I am an active member of this church, and now I am free to worship the Lord and get as involved as I want to. I am learning how to open up to other people, and accept their friendship. And I have learned a ton from leaning into the Lord.

These past two weeks have been a blessing in this journey. I started the bible reading program we’re doing, and it has gotten me back into the habit of getting into the word, and praying everyday, something I haven’t been very good at. At the same time, I started my online blog, and now get Christian support from friends on things I had previously kept to myself. And in all of this I am turning to the Lord more and more, and feeling a new peace about me. And it makes me wonder why I didn’t do this before.

I still have my struggles. My divorce is not an easy chapter in my life. But I have learned that through Jesus, I am equipped. He is my armor and keeps my heart safe. It still hurts and I’m not perfect, but when I feel life’s struggles starting to overwhelm me, I just keep looking ahead. The Lord has a purpose for me. There is a reason. And he is working in me now to get me to where I will be years from now. I don’t know what the full answer is, but I have already been witness to some changes in me and around me that His plans have brought me to. I know there is something far greater to come in my life here on earth, and now, instead of dreading it, I understand my suffering is for that reason.

The dreaded sermon...

I know you are all waiting with bated breath, so here goes....

First off I mostly want to make clear that while I was nervous about how tonight's topic would be handled, I was mostly upset about the sign. I just felt it was more there for shock value, and wish that this series could have been done on a more quiet note instead of so in your face. I was very relieved when it was replaced this past week with our Harvest Party sign, even before the series was over.

With that said, I was very relieved after tonight's sermon. I think I spent the whole night nodding my head. And I wanted to cry over what was taught, how it was exactly what I hoped would be said. The wall I placed between me and my church came crashing down. Love prevailed.

Thank you Jeremy, thank you Hope, and most of all, thank you Jesus!

Oh, P.S. I have to say that though I've been absent from church by busy-ness, and partly by stubborness, I have never been so spiritual and close to God. I've prayed more, I've been in the word more, and I've blogged more (which sounds silly, but it's one of my ways to collect my thoughts and feelings, and get me even more in the word). Spiritually, I've had a very good month. So maybe my stubborness and busy-ness had a point, cuz I'm on fire!