Just nod if you can hear me...

I'm just wondering if anyone's out there. Has the blogging fad wore off? I know some of you are still blogging, but several others have been absent for awhile. You know who you are.... Of course, if you're not blogging, you're not visiting me either.... Anyways, if any of you are reading this, I miss snooping into your life, and I miss you snooping into mine, so please start blogging!

Pictures: Take 2

Well, I'm once again testing my picture uploading skills. I've moved on to Flick'r, and I think it's what's going to work. So if I'm successful, you can leave comments on how beautiful my kids are.
P.S. Check out the "muscles" on Lucas!



Here they are 4 years ago...


And here they are now.

Gummy

My ex's grandmother died last night. I just got off the phone with my MIL. It was emminent, as they just found out she had cancer 9 days ago, and she hasn't been doing good at all.

"Gummy" is in a good place. 10 years ago she lost her husband to a horrific car accident. They had been on their way to a high school reunion, I think, and another car crashed into them. His last act was throwing his body over hers to save her life, losing his in the process. It was a terrible blow to the family, as it was so unexpected. He had been in perfect health, and was the backbone of the whole family. And then he was gone. But being the guy he was, all his affairs had been taken care of before his death, and Gummy was taken care of financially.

Nothing was the same after Robert died. Gummy lost a lot of her fire, and her zest for life. Although Gummy was a kick, and often had us rolling with her raw honesty, she also longed for her life to end so she could join her husband. Her quality of life deteriorated, and soon her family had to make the choice to put her in a nursing home. Eventually, Gummy was confined to a wheelchair. It seemed like every time I saw Gummy, her condition was getting worse and worse.

I haven't seen Gummy for awhile. With the divorce, it's harder to find an excuse to visit all that ways. But time is precious, and now she's gone. I'm greatful that my daughter got to visit her one last time not too long ago, making Gummy's day. Now Gummy is dancing in Heaven with her loving husband, she's made it to the end of her journey.

The funeral is this week, and I'm selfishly nervous. I'm going with the kids, there's no question about it. But so is my ex and his girlfriend. But it was bound to happen that one of these days I'd have to be in the same place as them and suck it up, and now it's upon me. But this isn't about me. Truth is, we'll probably sit in the same pew so that the kids don't have to choose who to sit next to, and it will be fine. I couldn't imagine problems being started on a day like this.

But here's to Gummy, who let us know all about her digestion problems with the greatest of detail, who always had a smile for everyone, who loved with all her heart. I hope you wear out your dancing shoes!

Mediation part 2

My ex did show up at mediation today, much to my surprise. Unfortunately, one of his friends was there too for his own mediation, and my ex spent the entire waiting time saying things to this guy for my benefit just to get to me. I just ignored him.

I really don't know how well the whole thing went. I requested separate mediation, because I just can't be in the same room as my ex, and they granted it. He denied everything I had in my documentation, which I wasn't surprised about. I am asking for full custody with visitation for him one day a week for 3 out of the 4 weeks. He's requesting 50/50 shared custody, with the kids spending one week at his house, and one week at mine. These are completely opposite wishes for custody. So we have to wait for the mediator to come to a conclusion about her recommendation, and we'll receive her decision in the mail. I've allowed her to talk to my counselor for more information, and I hope that helps. But I honestly don't know. In small increments, my ex can pull off looking like an upstanding guy.

Although I have put this in the Lord's hands, I am extremely discouraged. All the preparation I had for this day may have been for naught because my ex is so skilled in manipulation. And just being there and being around him, listening to him tell the other guy how rotten I was in not so many words, made me want full custody even more. I don't know what I'll do if my children turn out just like him. And it makes me wonder even more what I ever saw in him....

Lord, I pray for your will. You know the desires of my heart, but please let me be accepting of your plans for me and my children.
Amen

Mediation

Tomorrow morning is the mediation for custody changes. This is when I plead my case to a mediator and he gives his recommendation to the judge. 9.9 times out of 10, the judge will rule in favor of the mediator's recommendation. I'm not sure if my ex will be there or not. I sent him paperwork with the dates highlighted on it, so I don't know how much more clear I need to be with him. I do not talk to him otherwise because of his behavior with me. But knowing him, he figured it was another demand for child support and threw it away. If he shows up, I really don't think he could sway things his way. But is he doesn't, I think it will only help my case.

But I am nervous. And mostly it's still due to doing the right thing. In my heart I do feel I am doing the right thing. But after this, I am going to have a lot of people angry with me, and I'm not one to handle ridicule well. I know his mother will have plenty to say, and it goes without saying that my ex will have a lot to say.

As far as the kids go, I've been preparing them by telling them this week that Daddy and I might be amending our schedule a bit so that I get a weekend with them, and then he gets a weekend with them. Summer understands some, but I know she's not thrilled with the plan. And Lucas won't understand fully until it's underway. And this week he's been asking for his daddy more than usual. It's troubling when this is the week that I am going to try to get full custody and allow him less visitation.

But as far as everything else, I am ready. I have documentation and taped phone calls. Now I just need to pray for God's work to happen in the best interest of the kids. I have prayed that if this isn't what's best, to not let it go through, but if it is, to help it go all the way. And of course, your prayers are needed too....

Undeserved blessings

When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.
Hosea 13:6

Ok, forget for a moment that I am 27 years old, have two kids, and should be living on my own. My experience here sounds somewhat like that of a teenager, so bear with me.

Our house is full. I live here with my parents, my two kids, and my younger sister. Through the months, the house has slowly gotten out of hand in the cleanliness department. When three households try to fit under one roof with all their stuff, this is what happens. Double, if one of these households includes two young children and one less than perfectionist mom. I admit it, I am not Susie Homemaker. I can tidy up, but there are times when the mess is right in front of me and I just don't see it. But still, I really make an effort to do my share in the household. And while there may be various pieces of children's artwork or toys lying around, I do my best to keep all clothing and shoes in my room, and the dishes and dining area clean.

So last night when my mom came in the room with a beef about the less than clean kitchen after dinner, I was offended. It wasn't my night to do dishes, it was my sisters. And my sister cleaned almost all the dishes and left the sinks and stove gross with food. And as my mom yelled about the mess, I was the one she was looking at. I pointed out that I was not the one to be looking at, and still she went off on how I do not do my part around the house. I was pissed. When I am in the kitchen and waiting for water to boil, etc, I will wipe down counters, put dishes away, wash out recycling. I stack the newspapers, return other family members' shoes to their rooms, anything I can do to cut corners for serious cleaning times. My sister is lazy, and does not do anything extra. I have learned to get her to do something I have to spell it out for her. Otherwise, it just doesn't occur to her. But she will do things when asked, so that's how I deal with it. I had seen the kitchen after she "cleaned" it, and in my self-righteousness, I ignored the mess knowing it was on her, not me. I know, I know.

But last night I was really mad about it. When I went to bed later, I prayed about it and felt better. I knew that no matter how I felt about the fairness of being yelled at, the truth was I could always do more. I needed to remember whose house I was in, and the burden it was putting on my mom. And I needed to admit that I didn't do nearly enough for all I was being given, or even in general. A lot of mess did belong to me and the kids, and I needed to just suck it up and do more to redeem that.

But when I woke up this morning, the fury returned ten fold. It got to the point that I felt I needed to see my mom after I got the kids off to school and give her a piece of my mind. I got more mad as I unloaded the dish rack again and wiped down the sink, feeling that she would never even see my efforts or acknowledge them. But something happened as I was just about to walk out the door to walk my daughter to the bus-stop. My sister started to do the dishes I had soaking in the sink without being asked. Suddenly I felt really sheepish. All the realizations I had the night before came flooding back at me.

When I came back in the house, my mom was sitting at the table reading the paper. I realized how close I came to being just plain stupid and ruining the day for both of us. She was able to go off to school without me being a complete ass to her, and I was once again able to remember that I was privileged to be living here with my family, that I had a lot to be thankful for, and I couldn't possible pay back all the graces bestowed on me. And that I could always do more....

Lord, thank you for my reality check. I had forgotten how blessed I was for the moment, and you saved me from being ungrateful. I am blessed, even when I'm undeserving, and I must never forget it.
Amen

Hello, I must be going

Which falls faster from a 10 story building, a stupid computer, or my sanity?

Ok, how ironic is this? I just finished writing a whole post on computer problems, and then posted it, and ended up losing the whole post because of computer problems. I am going to scream!

Anyways, I'll start over. But just let it be known that my last post was brilliant, and probably would have been copied and pasted into other people's blogs for years to come. Oh well, this is my feeble attempt to recreate a masterpiece.

If you were on my computer, you could see some very nifty pictures to vies with my blog entries. But I discovered the other day when accessing my blog through another computer, that the pics only came up as those ugly boxes with little X's in the corner. What a bummer!

When I first started my blog, I downloaded "Hello" for uploading my pics. I was able to use it long enough to post my pic on the blog, and have since been unable to use it. It now says somehting failed to initialize, and to re-download it. I did this, and still I received the same message. I have since said goodbye to "Hello".

This is just one of many problems I am having with this damn computer. I tried to upgrade my iTunes yesterday, and the computer refused to work without having to reboot 50 times. It is inundated with spam, that I have to delete out of the computer every week or we spend the majority of our time clicking off of these sites that keep popping up like popcorn. The computer freezes up, allows screens to stay put when we exit them, and ignores our commands. Or the page I ma working on just disappears, and leaves me no other option but to reboot. ARGH!

The thing is, the computer is only 1 year old. And it's a Dell. Does that make a difference? I am so done with this computer, except that my work relies on it, and I am hopelessly addicted to it.

Oh, and I'm cranky because I am sick again...

Where would we be without Mom?

Now this is what we all need on our Mother's day!
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

Singleness

I've had some time to reflect on my life at present, and have really been amazed at how far I've come along in this short period of time. But with all these changes is still confusion. The biggest, of course, is my single life, and how, as a Christian, do I live it?

At Tribe we have been going over this very subject, and I unfortunately missed the first two of three sessions. This is the very topic that I need examples and tools for. You see, the only example from my own life for singlehood is when I was 17 and younger. And that's not exactly the example I'm looking for. So when I got back into the dating world (way too early, mind you), I was very ill-prepared. My self esteem was shot, and it affected my choices.

But nowadays I get it, somewhat. I know what I want, and I'm willing to wait for it, but I still have fears. The only experiences I've seen so far are guys looking for instant "love", and by love I just mean the physicalness of it. So I just stopped dating because first of all, I was looking too hard and obviously in the wrong places, and secondly because I needed to find myself. And in doing so, I've been having the time of my life. I've rediscovered friendships I'd been neglecting, I focused more on family and work, I found more of what I love to do. Before I was actually shaping my social life around how I could meet someone because I was so lonely. The only thing was, I was lonely because I had not found me yet. I was there, but I was buried so deep inside. I was looking for someone to fill that void that only I could fill.

And only Jesus could fill....

I became re-reacquainted (yes it's a word. I made it up) with God. Now, I'm not claiming that I am now super holy and God is at the center of my life. I still have a long ways to go before I reach that place I want to be at with the Lord. I still have too many issues and I know I disappoint Him so many times in my walk because I am still stubbornly holding onto things. I still have the tendency to put things ahead of Him. But Satan is tricky. Our relationship with God is affected not only when we are sinning, but when we feel so ashamed that we can't face God. And that's where I was at. I'd been told many times over that God loves us no matter what, that there is nothing we could do to make us stop loving us. But I didn't believe it in my heart. And I couldn't face Him. My prayers would be obligatory, and I would sometimes apologize for my sins, but mostly just not acknowledge them at all. You know when you're a kid and playing hide and seek and you close your eyes, thinking that you are now invisible? Same thing. If I don't mention it, it never happened.

Anyways, during this time of self focus, I have been meditating with the Lord. And still, I'm not claiming perfection here. But there's been a definite change in my life. I've let go and jsut loved the Lord, thanking Him for every blessing He has given me, especially in the last year. And I have less stress than before. I am happier. I am more confident. The world looks better. and suddenly I have those answers for my dating life, that one subject that has been such a mystery to me. STOP FOCUSING ON IT!

Now I don't exactly date. I go out, but I am clear on my intentions from the beginning. I am not looking for romance, I am looking for friends. And truth is, I'd rather it be that way, because why would I want to jump into something all over again? I am getting used to singlehood and it's wonderful. I go where I want to go. I have my own interests and get to explore them with no limits. I am getting more fit now because I am excercising more (also very mood enhancing). Every part of my life has improved.

I am still confused about relationships. I have so many questions about how to handle things now that I have boundaries and morals. I have fears about who will accept me, and will I be strong enough to hold my ground? And this is why it is still better for me to be single and just enjoy that for awhile.

An old friend

Many years ago I was heavily involved in 4-H, a club that focuses on agriculture and leadership. One of the biggest parts of my 4-H life was the summer camp they held every summer. I started going at 9 years old, my first year in 4-H. When I hit 12, the age minimum for being a staffer, an older friend and mentor talked me into signing up. Although I felt I wasn't ready, I did because I looked up to her so much and she thought I was ready. I became hooked. After several years as the new staffer, I was suddenly one of the older kids and one of the ones in charge of the staff. A group of us formed a pretty tight bond as staffers, and were the ones to go to for anything. My last year was spent as the director of camp with one of my best guy friends, Jason, and it was the best year ever. Together, we ran what was called the best 4-H camp in a long time. Years past held irresponsibility, feuds, and unsynchronized leadership. But Jason and I did our jobs before camp together, and spent camp as a team. It was definitely a great way to end my 4-H camp career.

After camp, we all lost touch, except for one of my current best friends. I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex), and Jason went off to college. Life went on, but I never forgot him or the rest of the gang. Friends of mine, and even my sister, would run into him, and I would think, "I should call him sometime." This past summer I was an adult chaperone (*gasp! I'm old!) at this very same camp, and his brother stopped by for a visit. I jotted down Jason's number, but still never called. Today I am glad I didn't, because I was a mess, still, and I would have hated for him to get a bad impression of me after having been such great friends years before. But two weeks ago he finally called ME and we got back in touch.

Today we went out to lunch. I was a little nervous beforehand. My mom kept pushing me to say it was a date, and I kept having to tell her that it was nothing more than two friends getting together like old times. But I had the same fears as those a girl has before a date. What would he see when he saw me? Would he think I was fatter? Would I talk too much? Would I give him the impression that I thought more of this get together than he did? What if we had nothing to talk about? Would we go out today, then never go out again?

I should never have worried. Seeing Jason was seeing the friendliest part of my past. It was like old times. The waitress had to come back three times before we finally stopped talking long enough to decide what to eat. We talked about EVERYTHING! It was completely natural. He couldn't get over the fact that I was a mom. I couldn't get over that my old partying friend was grown up. But despite all that, it was just like old times.

When it was time to go, he asked me out to a Cinco de Mayo celebration with some of his friends. My last fear was answered. Another friendly get-together. :0)

One thing he did say while we were eating, and it goes along with my last post, is how much more confident I am now than I was when he knew me back then. So I have changed.... This lunch just set the tone for my whole day. It's always nice to see old friends, because they are almost like a part of you. And this one was always a good friend.