Child In Faith

Autumn's Angel

2007-09-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Connor Marley.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

2007-09-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

She had left the convent she had spent years praying and teaching in. Suffering from Tuberculosis, she was on a train to Darjeeling with the intent of recuperating and resting. It was on this train that she heard His voice, the voice of God. He ordered her to leave the convent for good, and live among the poor and work with them. And so in just several years time she had started with a school in the slums to teach the children of the poor. And in a couple more the "Home of the Dying" was started under her direction. This woman denied herself all luxuries and comforts in favor of tirelessly helping those in need.

"I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: ‘My son did this to me.’ I begged her: You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him. It took me a long time to make her say: ‘I forgive my son.’ Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand."

She lived by grace. This woman saw suffering every day. She saw injustices the world could never imagine. She held it in her hands. Forgiveness was the only way. "If we really want to love we must learn to forgive." Hers was a religion of love.

"There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. I’ve always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic. We believe our work should be our example to people. We have among us 475 souls - 30 families are Catholics and the rest are all Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs—all different religions. But they all come to our prayers."

"There are so many religions and each one has its different ways of following God. I follow Christ:
Jesus is my God,
Jesus is my Spouse,
Jesus is my Life,
Jesus is my only Love,
Jesus is my All in All;
Jesus is my Everything."

She never loved to convert. Her service to those in need was for no reason but to love them. There was no ulterior motive. Her work was in honor of God, she did not place that on anyone else, or claimed that their way of honoring God was wrong. Every being that she helped held the face of God, every soul she touched was the very soul of Jesus. She understood the need for love, the hunger to be reached out to. God commanded us to go forth and love others as He loves us. And she did just that, simply and honestly and without expectation.

Mother Teresa was an inspiration to the world and an example of how we are to love.

And during all of this, during her love of those who needed love, care for those who needed care, help for the sick and dying, her life as an example of the love of Jesus, Mother Teresa struggled. For shortly after she came to Calcutta to live among the poor, Mother Teresa suffered a feeling of abandonment from the Lord. When once she heard Him speaking to her clear as day, she now heard nothing.

Mother Teresa described this time as "the darkness". She had known Jesus as her light and her salvation. Yet, she now lived in the darkness. And she struggled with her faith. She feared she might be a hypocrite by telling the world about the love of Jesus, her love for Jesus, when she wasn't even sure if she still had faith in Jesus. She even asked God for forgiveness for her stumbling faith in her letters, adding as a byline "if there is a God".

This news came through letters that had been hidden from the world and that were recently made public. And it sent a shockwave through the world. Mother Teresa, the woman who gave such love in the name of Jesus Christ, was not exactly 100% sure of her faith. This made her....

Human.

What a relief! I'm human too. And so are countless other Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Jews....... I'm willing to bet that everyone of faith has lacked faith at least once in their walk, especially those who are active in their faith. How can we not? There are so many unanswered questions in faith, so much that we with our human minds could not possibly comprehend no matter how much we prayed, studied the bible, researched history..... It's only natural that our faith might take a tumble from time to time, and for some of us, never return.

And yet this crisis in faith is rarely talked about. And if it is, it is never talked about in first person but rather about an "outsider". No, a real Christian would never question God's existence. A real Christian would never wonder if Jesus really was the son of God, if he was merely a man that people believed was the son of God? A real Christian would never wonder if Mary had merely gotten herself into a bad situation and created a lie to save herself from a stoning. A real Christian would not have confusion over whose words she was actually reading in the bible: God's or man's?

Friends, if this is true, then I am not a real Christian.

You know what I find most admirable about Mother Teresa's crisis in faith? Even though Mother Teresa felt an absence from God, even though she was not entirely sure He was there, even though she wasn't sure who it was that ordered her to leave the convent and live among the poor, her life path never changed. She felt like a hypocrite, yet her love for mankind never faltered. She still gave of herself unconditionally, bringing light to those who were in their own darkness. And I can even believe that Mother Teresa, in her darkness, could better understand these lost souls that the world had given up on. I believe that God's distance from her served his purpose through her.

And I believe that when Mother Teresa moved onto the next world, God revealed Himself to her after all those years of absence, and welcomed his obedient daughter home.

Determination

2007-08-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today I had a disappointing meeting where I was seeking help with the cost of daycare so that I can work and be able to afford to continue living on my own. Apparently I make too much. Imagine that. It's almost laughable that my income, which is significantly lower than my expenses now that the kids are in daycare, is considered TOO MUCH. I drove him feeling a lot more like lead than the hopeful airiness I carried with me just that morning.

Upon entering the freeway, I was forced to merge between two large tanker trucks. It always makes me nervous to drive near these trucks because they are so big, and my car is so small. Should one of them not see me, they could crush me and probably never feel it.

Of course, our freeway is the kind that moves mostly at a crawl all day long. Today was no exception. I was only about five miles away from my exit, but I could tell it was going to be forever before I reached it, as my lane seemed to be moving to the tune of 35 MPH. I could see from my rearview mirror that cars were moving around the tanker behind me, and the fast lane was moving at a significantly faster pace than the lane I was in. If I timed things right, I could probably squeeze into this faster lane and get to my destination a lot faster. But it looked too hard, as these cars were moving a lot faster, and I was surrounded by these two big trucks moving incredibly slow. I would really have to get up to speed fast to be able to match the fast lane. And besides, I knew that if I did manage to pass the tanker in front of me, I would have a heck of a time trying to merge back in since inevitably there were tons of cars in front of it slowing it down.

The opportunity finally presented itself. A Fed Ex truck was slowing down traffic in the fast lane. When the car before it passed me, I made a last minute decision and whipped into the fast lane. Once the truck was not in front of me blocking my view of the road ahead, it was apparent that my assumptions had been wrong. No cars were in front of it, and the lane was pretty much empty. I merged back in to that lane and enjoyed the smooth ride home.

Life is like that. I have my own huge truck in front of me right now. It's called the expenses of being a single mother with a single income who makes too little money to handle all her expenses, and too much money to qualify for financial help. My big truck behind me is working at a job that I love that works me to the bone, pays pretty decently, but will not give me the full time hours I so desperately need, and still haunts me with the dangers of the layoff season underfoot. This truck in front of me is blocking my view of the road ahead, taking away my hope of ever reaching the place I want to end up (which at this point is anywhere on the other side of this truck). The truck behind me is allowing me only to see the other vehicles passing me by while I remain in the slow lane. And the fast lane next to me is making me afraid merge in, for surely I will mess up and crash.

I cannot see the smooth road ahead. It's almost like I refuse to. There are easier jobs out there with the hours and pay I need that will allow me to afford life. Merging in with the rest of those succeeding at life is not an impossible feat. I have just allowed these huge tankers to block my view and allow me to believe that I can't do it.

Well guess what? I can.

Be silent. Be still.

2007-06-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

Life is hard. With all these different ways to connect: the internet, the phone at my hip, email, noisy coffee shops, work day in and day out....and yet loneliness tends to be the biggest feeling. And then there's this place of being in between romantic relationships. What I should be doing. What I should be wearing. Who I wish I'd be. Where I really should be on a Saturday night. What size clothes I should be wearing. Where I should be at 29. Never being enough. Noise. Constant noise. The world is just too noisy sometimes...... And yet....

I get scared of the silence.

In the silence, we're never truly alone. Perhaps in the silence we can find we really are loved, and we really are great, and we really are created perfect....in the image of God.

What I Forgot

2007-05-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was unhappy.
My life had little to it.
I thought, 'Maybe I just need a change.'

So I lost a little weight,
and I allowed my skin to color.
And I got a little attention.
But something was missing,
and it wasn't enough.

So I bought some new outfits,
and I always did my hair,
and my make-up was always perfect,
and my lips always in a smile.
But something was missing,
and it wasn't enough.

So I saved all my money,
and used it only for necessities,
and I watched my savings grow.
But something was missing,
and it wasn't enough.

So I got a new apartment,
what I thought was the answer,
and I'll move in a couple weeks.
But something was missing,
and it wasn't enough.

So I got healthier,
and Pilates became daily,
and my cigarettes nonexistant,
and my food so much more wholesome.
But something was missing,
and it wasn't enough.

So I longed for a connection,
someone to ease my lonliness,
and I hoped that I'd be noticed,
and that this would distract me.
But nobody saw me.
And they looked right through me.
And my loneliness doubled.
And I felt more lost than ever.
And something is missing.

And that something....is You.

All my answers have been about me.
And I've forgotten my neighbor
and I've forgotten how to pray
and I've forgotten that you are listening
and I've forgotten that you have a plan
and I've forgotten how to let you be my center
and I've forgotten that YOU are the answer
and I've forgotten.....
I've forgotten.....
I've forgotten.....
Oh God, I've just forgotten.....
.....please remind me.

Brother Against Brother

2007-04-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" Romans 11:33

The biggest problem in the Christian community is the need to argue amongst ourselves about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to belief. Arguments like these are very dangerous, as mini wars amongst ourselves and our brothers and sisters evolve. Churches are splitting up. Christians are verbally attacking other Christians over difference in views of God, ways of attaining understanding, the ranking level of values, and what is true in biblical history. Believers walk away from their faith as the very foundation of Christianity becomes uprooted. The most important issue becomes HOW to believe and not just simply being God's children and the salt and light of the world. How are we to be an inspiration to those around us when the politics of the religion become bigger than God Himself?

There are many different churches that call themselves Christian. There's the Presbyterians, the Catholics, the Protestants, the Baptists, the Lutherans, the Quakers, the Mormons, the Evangelicals.... Each church is completely different, and their belief system and preachings are ranked in drastically different orders of importance. One may view sin as the most important area to preach on. Another may view love as the most important. Still another may focus on sitting in silence so that the Holy Spirit may move through them. And another may view history of where the religion came from most important of all. Some may believe that the Bible is literal, word for word. Another may view the Bible is half literal and half metaphorical. And still another may view the whole Bible as open for interpretation. And if you step into the different souls that attend these churches, the beliefs and values vary in a dizzying array.

When it all comes down to it, they are all trying to reach God, and believe their way to be the way to get there. And if it's really thought about, is there anything wrong with trying to reach God? Does it really matter if one person takes the bible literally, and another takes it metaphorically? Will God really deny those who do not interpret the Bible exactly "right" the Kingdom of Heaven? If that were the case, I think ALL of us would be in trouble, for who can really wrap their whole mind around God, understanding the ins and outs of it all?

As my own person, I know what works for me and what doesn't in my journey to God. What I find stifling to my relationship to God is another person's inspiration to God. And vice versa. What I find absolutely exhilarating in discovering more about God others may absolutely abhor. But when Christians battle other Christians for not believing exactly the same way, the whole purpose of being God's children becomes lost in the battle. We are brothers and sisters under the same Father, and yet we are arguing over who deserves the bigger inheritance for being more faithful.

What if God just loves all of us, marvelling at our vast differences, appreciating all our journeys as we strive to reach Him? What if the most important thing to God was that we were trying to reach Him in our best way possible and in the best way we could understand, and not HOW we were getting there? What if we were the only ones who were really responsible for our own journey, and no one could do it for us?

What if we were all simply God's creation, all created separately with different views and beliefs and values and attributes, but all equal in His eyes nonetheless, and all our souls created in His image?

Psalm 133
A song of ascents. Of David.
How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!
It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.
It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

Connection

2007-04-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

We all long to be connected. Some how, some way. It's why the Internet exists. It's why my son acts goofy to make people laugh. It's why we smile at those who walk by us, or look out our windows when someone drives by our house. It's why we check our non-ringing phones, search the bills in the mail for that non-existent personal letter, look out for a car that never drives up our driveway. It's why I am here writing, hoping in this small part of the world, someone is taking the time to read the words I am writing. It is why I keep interrupting my cleaning of the mess that surrounds me, for cleaning is not a way to be connected. It's pretty solitary.

Today I connected with a bug. Yes, that's right. A bug. They aren't hard to ignore this time of year. I was laying on my lawn, soaking in the last bits of sunshine on a lukewarm day. I had just finished reading 4 chapters of a great book so I am caught up for homegroup tomorrow. And when I finished, I wasn't ready to leave my sunsoaked spot. So I laid the book down and rested my head on my arms. And I watched the grass. And in that grass, I noticed a green bug going leaf to leaf. And in those few minutes, I watched this bug do more work than I had done all day. He went to a leaf, painstakingly feeling his way around and allowing his small spiny legs to maneuver himself precariously. And then he would pause, and then drink in any moisture from this leaf through this small tube of a mouth. And when he was done, he would repeat the whole process.

In that moment, I was no bigger than that bug. And I saw the small blades of grass as the giant forest he was traveling. In that moment, I was connected to that bug. And it's funny, because as small as that bug was, I noticed him. But as large as I was, he never noticed me.

Sometimes things are so large we just can't see them.

The connection is out there. It does exist. And it's become so easy to look at the things just at our level as huge, and miss the things that are right there in front of us because we miss the details. Sometimes it's because they appear too small. Most of the time it's because they are too large. We are those insects in the forest of grass, focusing too much on our own details, seeing them as so large that we miss the bigger picture. We feel pain and regret, longing and sadness, want overcoming need, desire for that bigger pasture. And we miss the things we have, the God that is faithful, the kids who look up to us, the parents who care for us, the friends who are always a phonecall away. We miss all that for the things and people we lost along the way who are not giving us what we want. We miss all the things that are there to fulfill us for the lament over the things that fail us. And then we are so focused on our own misery that we miss out on the other people who need and depend on us, those that could really use our care and support while we lament over the care and support we aren't receiving from sources that won't freely give us that.

We disconnect.

And it's so easy to do, and so hard to get away from. There's always a need for more than what we have, missing what we've lost, taking for granted all that still remains, and always will.

And in that came the full circle of my connection to that bug. For he was working for what he needed, and not taking more, or even lamenting over, what he didn't have. It was all that simple. It's so simple, it's huge. And it's so huge, I am still having a hard time seeing it.

A Long Night at the ER

2007-04-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

It's funny the things that go through your mind when you are sitting in an emergency room once the crisis is over. I think that's when instinct ends, and reality hits. For as the parent in charge, it never occurred to me the seriousness of the situation, and mom mode just took over. Calm. Cool. Collected. Everything's fine, just be calm....for her. Hold her hair back while she vomits, rub her back as she cries, smooth her hair as she panics. Be the one in charge as she looks at you with big, scared eyes.

I spent many hours of last night in the emergency room with my daughter. And it was only when she was sleeping in the hospital bed and I was left alone with my thoughts that I was finally able to get off my heightened sense of mom mode and sink into my chair over all that could have gone wrong.

Sunday night is bath night in our house. Time to get ready for the beginning of the school week. Summer was in the shower, I was folding freshly laundered towels, Lucas was playing with his millions of Legos, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and new pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog I had just printed out for him off the Internet. America's Funniest Home Videos was on the TV, mostly for background noise, as both of us were too busy to watch. And as Lucas was talking to me about something or other, I heard a loud bang from the bathroom. I hushed Lucas and listened. And then I heard the unmistakable cry from my daughter.

There are many different sounds of crying that come from your child. There's the one when they're heartbroken. There's the one when they're angry. There's the one when life is unfair, and they can't have their way. There's the one when their younger brother is just too much to handle. And then there was the one that came from the bathroom. Scared.

I ran into the bathroom and whipped open the shower door. There stood my daughter, blood on her wrist, a panicked look in her eyes. I didn't even take a moment to be scared with her. I asked her what happened and she told me she had fallen and hit her head. A quick check to her head revealed an extremely large lump in the back. The blood ended up being a small cut on her wrist, nothing serious. But the lump was huge. I gently moved her back under the running water and finished washing her hair with as much care as I could not to irritate the growing lump. I then dried her off with a towel still warm from the dryer, and wrapped her up in her robe. She was crying the whole time, her body red from where the shower had beat her up.

It was supposed to be bed time, but I told her she was staying up with me. I made tea for all three of us and we sat to watch a Disney movie. In between crying from her aching head, she complained of not being able to see out of one of her eyes. I mentally took note, but to her I just told her she would be ok and to just not mess with it. She leaned into me on the couch, only drinking her tea to get down the pain medication I supplied her with. After 45 minutes, I determined that it was bedtime, and she would be ok. I figured I would check on her every couple hours, but her apparent exhaustion was needing to be relieved by some sleep. Of course, sleep petrified her. I could hear her crying in the bedroom, and I kept the TV low so I could run to her if she started to throw up.

Somehow I knew that this would be the order of things. Or maybe because this wasn't the first time she had hit her head so hard that a concussion was suspected.

Sure enough, I heard her cry again, and I was already running for a pan when she called out that she thought she might be sick. I held her hair back as she vomited repeatedly in the bowl. Yup, it was time for the emergency room.

My parents came home from their day out at about the same time I had made this assessment. I had just gotten her dressed into some warmer clothes. Lucas was already asleep in bed, oblivious to the bright bedroom light or the panic in his sister. I took turns in getting everything together for the hospital, and holding back her hair and rubbing her back as she threw up. I left Lucas with my parents and drove cautiously to the hospital as she continued throwing up.

The emergency room can be a nervewracking place to be at night. Well, really at any time. My mind was still not focused on the seriousness of the situation, but wandered to what we might encounter. Many years ago, when I had driven myself to the emergency room right before I had found out that my third baby had died inside me, I had been in the same state. I never focused on me. Rather, I saw the seriousness of those around me. One in particular was a mother calmly holding her child who lay still in her arms, apparently unable to wake up. That scared me. And as I entered the ER with my own daughter, I wondered what sort of horrors I would see. This time, with my daughter weakly leaning against me, I saw a shaking young teenager holding a bloody towel to his head, blood spattered all over his pants. And several Spanish families sat in the waiting room chairs. One Spanish man smiled sympathetically at my daughter and me, and offered us the chairs next to him. I gingerly sat down, Summer leaned up against me. I put my hand on her leg and gently pet her, hoping that the bloody boy didn't frighten her too much.

Eventually I was at the window filling out the paperwork. Halfway through, Summer began to throw up again. By this time, there was nothing left in her stomach, and I felt for her as I saw her painfully lurching forward. I left the lady at the counter and sat with her, encouraging her as she continued to gag. The seriousness of it caught the personnel's eye, and they whisked us right away to a room all too familiar to our accident prone family.

Of course, the ER is never a quick process. We spent about an hour in this waiting room getting her stats taken. They had trouble taking her blood pressure, and the poor girl had to go through repeated attempts of squeezing her arm right off from a faulty blood pressure cuff. Her temperature was rather low and her body trembled from the shock kicking in. They wrapped her in warm blankets and gave her a teddy bear that she hug tightly as if she were 5 and not 9. Finally, they gave her some medicine to help ease the urge to vomit, though she still lurched repeatedly with every movement she was forced to make.

Even more time taken, we finally got her over to get a CT Scan. She heaved a couple more times before we could place her on the bed, and I was made to stand outside while she had her brain scanned. The first time we ever did this, the man had allowed me to remain in the room, monitoring her from a glass room that viewed where she was at. This time, a lady was at the controls, and I was placed outside the room with no view but a heavy wood door.

I think this is when I first started to get out of mom mode and into the reality of, "what if things went wrong?"

My fears turned to my daughter, how she would feel alone in that room without her mom. Would she want to vomit again? Was she safe without me watching her? What if the CT scan revealed something awful? I think that last thought crept into my head for the first time at that point, never having entered my head before since the time shen I heard the bang in the bathroom. Suddenly I realized that she really could have a concussion, and what did that mean if she did? And worse, a thought that never occurred to me until now, what if she had cracked her skull on that hard tile?

Her CT scan was done, and I rushed back to her side. She still was nauseous, and throughout the wait for a transporter to bring us back to her room, she vomited several more times. We then spent the next several hours in the recovery room. I turned out the lights and gently prompted her to sleep, which really didn't need much prompting. I then sat back in a rocking chair in the room and rocked.

And this is when the mind starts to wander. We had already been there for an hour and a half. It was just after midnight. We would be there for several more hours. Idared not leave the room to be able to call my folks about the process. I didn't want to leave her. Besides, a security guard sat outside monitoring an inmate, or some kid on house arrest, and I didn't trust the situation at all. Thoughts of what ifs and oh my god filled my mind. Thoughts that pertained to the situation at hand, and what if that crazy guy across the hall snapped?

I also had plenty of time to think about my life at hand. For once there was no distractions from people, electronics, cell phones, computers. There was just me. And while that was terrifying, it was also necessary. And I wryly smiled as I realized that God had granted me a recent prayer of mine in his own way.

The one thought that stuck with me was the miracle of hospitals. Here was this place that many different people came to when they were in trouble. These nurses and doctors knew the many different ways to treat these people. If I were to put it in crude terms, it was like an auto shop, each person coming in for repairs. But it was so much more complex than that. Here were people that were not made by people, but created by God. But these doctors and nurses had become so skilled at assessing the different ways to fix the ails of people, and this was apparent by each different need I saw addressed by person after person wheeled by the door to our room. One lady was whisked by with an IV in her arm. The bleeding boy was rolled to his own CT scan. Doctors and nurses remained calm and humorous with each other in between being serious and dedicated to those who needed them. I thought about what it must have been like hundreds of years before, versus the knowledge we have now about the human body.

And still, I was reminded of the connection we all share as mankind, and the opportunities we have to strengthen that connection as these doctors and nurses were doing by aiding those that needed them.

It was almost 3 am before I got the word on how Summer was doing. The CT scan turned out negative for any damage to her brain or skull. The only concern was the hematoma, that could just be reduced by icing it. The doctor checked her reflexes, I filled out more paperwork, and we were finally on our way. I drove slow to avoid hitting the many daredevil deer, raccoons, and rabbits on the way, still narrowly missing a rabbit who jumped in the way. Summer was wide awake, and we chatted about her hard day, a day that didn't start with the fall (but that's a whole other story). I tucked her into bed, and finally collapsed myself, only to get up 3 1/2 hours later to get my son off to school.

This wasn't our first trip to the emergency room. I'm willing to bet it won't be our last. Summer's fine, her head aches a little, she won't eat yet, but she's up and watching a movie after sleeping in briefly. I think I'm headed for a nap myself after a long night.

Beach Day

2007-03-31T21:38:00.000-07:00

Today we left the sunshine of our town and went to the fog covered beach. Regardless of the cold, it was a ton of fun. My daughter spent the day with one of her bast friends, and we all had a blast. I even got the stunt kite up with the great wind that was blowing there. Here are some pictures from our day....

Hope

2007-03-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

I actually forgot
what yesterday was
until last night
when I was covered in fog.
And it brought me back
to how things change,
how prayers are answered
in unexpected ways.
And I remembered thinking
that life would never be the same,
and I was right
in more ways than one.
And I remember the fear
that I felt of the past
and the events that led
to new fears of my present
and eventually led
to the fall of the future.

Or so I thought.

Truth is,
things happen for a reason.
And the person of yesterday
is much younger
than the person of today.
And I find that I'm calmer
in the hopes for my future,
understanding
that I am a part of something
bigger than just me.
And though I am unsure
at times
of where I am going
I know I am not going down.
And I am standing here
one year later
with hope in my soul
and gratefulness in my spirit
and love in my heart
and serenity in my mind.
And I know,
I just know,
that everything is going to be fine.

Yeshua

2007-03-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

Breathe in.
I feel the breath.
I hear it.
Breathe out.
Relief.
Every sound, it is one in my ears.
But it is many different things
making each sound.
The chirping of the crickets.
The frogs in the distance.
The roar of the cars on the highway.
Many different sounds,
one in my ear.
The things I see,
they are all combined in my eye.
The stars overhead.
The perfect lines of the clouds
drifting on an invisible wind.
The way the hills seem to be outlined
by an unreal glow that dips with each dip,
and rises with each rise.
The plane that flies overhead,
narrowly missing another plane on a different course
several miles away from each other,
but in the same spot in my sight.
All seperate things,
all unaware of the other,
but all one sight in my eyes.
The two become one.
The many become few.
All is seperate,
yet all is the same.
And when I breathe in,
I feel you.
For you are in it all.
When I breathe out,
you are there in my breath.
I don't need to see you,
not like I see the things of this world.
For you are in the world,
you are of the world,
you are the world.
And you are more.
To expect to see you
standing before me
would be to deny that you already are,
just not as my human mind perceives.
You are in it all.
And I am just one that make up many
that makes up one.
I am a part of you.

Timber!

2007-03-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

A picture of the lumber that was taken out of my eye.
You should see the one still in there...

Jesus said, "You see the sliver in your friend's eye, but you don't see the timber in your own eye. When you take the timber out of your own eye, then you will see well enough to remove the sliver from your friend's eye."
Gospel of Thomas, vs. 26

Yet another reminder to ME. Stop focusing on all that I disagree with, and continue working on my path. The only path I am responsible for maintaining is my own, not anyone elses's.

In a way, isn't that a relief?

Green What?

2007-03-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

So in honor of St. Patrick's Day, I made green eggs, toast with green honey butter, green milk, and, um, brown veggie sausage. I'm not Irish, but my kids are, so I surprised them with breakfast.

They ate most of it, but I think they were a little grossed out. Mission accomplished!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

2007-03-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I read Romans 3-5. I took particular interest in Romans 5:12-21, "Death through Adam, Life through Christ". And this is what I wanted to journal on. I will try to behave myself as much as possible!

Romans 5:18-19
"Just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man will be made righteous."

This passage is of course talking about the fall of man through Adam, and the salvation of man through Jesus. When Adam sinned in the garden, taking the fruit from Eve from the only tree God forbade them to eat from, sin entered the life of man. The Garden of Eden closed forever for man. The only way sin could be forgiven was by offering a sacrifice to God, usually a perfect lamb with no blemish or scars. I can imagine in those days that lambs may have become scarce. Think of how often we sin, from an action to a mere thought. Because of our sinful nature, it is impossible to not sin. If we needed to sacrifice for every infraction we committed, first of all we would be more aware (which isn't really a bad thing, when you think about it....), but we would surely miss out on some sins we overlooked, and would never get in the kingdom of Heaven.

Enter Jesus. Here was a man that God gave to us as our sacrificial lamb. He was not only our perfect lamb, he was our example of how our walk should look. The sacrifice of Jesus was so great that it became unnecessary to need to sacrifice any longer for our sins. Jesus' death the sacrifice for all sins that have ever been committed, and all future sins as well. Jesus died for all of us so that we will all join God in Heaven.

But see, this is where things get confusing. There are a lot of scripture in the bible that read one cannot be saved without belief in Jesus. But then scattered sparingly through the bible are scriptures like this, everyone is saved through Jesus. The many were made sinners through Adam. Not just a select few of us either. The many of us can safely be assumed to mean all of us, for who of any of us is without sin? And if it is clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who was affected by Adam's sin, it seems like it should be clear that the many of us means everyone when it comes to who is made righteous through the sacrifice of Jesus.

And it makes sense. If the fall of Adam led to the sinful nature of everyone, wouldn't the death of Jesus, God's son, have even more power to save all of us? Why would he sacrifice himself for only a select people when the sin of Adam affected EVERYONE? And beyond that, if sin is a sin, none better and none worse, and if disbelief in Jesus is considered a sin, how is that worse than any of my sins? How will one's sin of disbelief damn them any more than any of my sins? What makes me more deserving of the kingdom of heaven than someone who doesn't believe things the way I do?

These are just thought probing questions, I am not giving answers here. Coming across these passages really isn't ammo for some new war against religion. I cannot take these verses and disregard the rest of the bible. But I also cannot take the rest of the bible and disregard these verses. But reading these verses gives me hope. It is true that I hold reservations about religion in general, for every religion claims that they are the only true religion, that they are the only ones who know the truth, and everyone else is screwed. I don't think I'll ever believe that any one religion is absolutely correct, including Christianity. Religions are not God. God is God. And we will never know the whole entire truth until we are in the kingdom of Heaven. However, I do believe Christianity has a good hold on the truth. I wouldn't consider myself a Christian if I didn't. But I do think we can learn from other faiths to strengthen our own. We are all one people under God, on different paths that lead to God, and I would like to think that if we could open our eyes to wisdom in all corners of the earth, it might get us even closer to God than we ever thought possible.

Lord, I thank you for providing us a way to get to you through Jesus. I even thank you that we have a choice now in how we live our lives and how we accept you through the sin of Adam, for it makes that choice so much sweeter, and the journey that much more wondrous. And even more wondrous, you have chosen me whether I am faithful or not. Lord, I cannot even find words to describe how wonderful that feels, and how grateful I am for you in my life.
Lord, please guide me in this journey to you. It has been my desire, even in times I stopped walking and stood still, to know the truth of you in this world. I truly believe you are in many things that are foreign to me, as well as the things that are familiar to me. But I admit to having a hard time seeking your wisdom without also drowning in lies and doubts over you.
Lord, I ask you to protect my soul as I travel through the fires to reach you. I want my life to radiate as much of you as possible before I join you in the next life. But to do that, I know I need your guidance. And my faith must be strong. Please be my shield.
Amen.

Reflections

2007-03-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. It kind of goes along with the territory of ceasing to depend on things outside myself for my own self worth. It's been a hard process to go through, and I'm struggling in every single step.

I figured that the best place for me would be to open up my bible. I woke up with a start from a dream very early this morning. I can't remember the dream, but I felt God telling me that I was supposed to get up.

I can't explain why God talks to me. I don't feel I've done anything extraordinary in being faithful to Him. But it seems like whenever I welcome Him in, He arrives full force. We have full on conversations, God and I.

Anyway, I obediently got up, dusted off my bible, and went in the front room to read. With a great cup of coffee, I settled into the comfy chair. Where to start? I thumbed through it, taking out the millions of leaflets from my days of church, reading this passage and that which I had taken notes on. And I finally decided to follow a friend of mine and start in Romans.

I like Romans. It's straight forward and tells it like it is. There's no beating around the bush. My favorite verses are in Romans, Romans 14. So I started here. I began with Romans 1. Then I read through Romans 2. But something was clicking in Romans 2. I kept stopping myself and rereading passages. And I realized that I needed to start journaling to go along with reading, so I got out my notebook and wrote down this verse:

(Romans 2:3-4)
"So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you towards repentance?"

Whoa.

I have been guilty of finding passages and using them to my power, to strengthen my fight against fundamentalism. I have pointed fingers, judging those I felt were judging others. And then in all this, in my fight to be right and against all that I felt unjust in religion, I stopped seeking God. And even worse, I made myself believe I was still just as faith seeking as ever. In reality, I was self-seeking, and self-serving. I was no longer a disciple of God. I no longer sought to strengthen my faith and overcome my shortcomings. The only studying I did of the bible was to find passages to prove what I thought was right.

In all this, though I thought I was close to God, I actually stepped farther away from my faith than I ever had before, and began questioning the very things I used to be sure of. I ignored all the warning signs, negatively focusing on everything I felt was wrong, and missing all in my faith that is right. And I find myself in a scary spot, rebuilding my foundation in God.

The last line of those selected verses is where the hope lies. God's kindness will lead me to repentance. You see, we are never truly apart from God. He is always with us. And He always WANTS us. And when we accept that, He is always there with open arms, ready to forgive. God does not hold grudges, no matter how many times we fail Him. And I have failed Him. If I truly want the world to believe the truth that I feel, it is my walk that will speak the loudest. And right now, my walk is pretty weak and without substance.

Now is the process of restoring my faith from small to overwhelming. I am trying to relearn how to be close to God, wanting the same things He wants for my life. It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty painful. But I am willing to go through the necessary steps to get back to God, seeking His guidance in living for His glory, and not my own.

Child in Faith

2007-03-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

I vow to trust You, to depend on You. No longer will I be disappointed by the failings of man living up to MY expectations, for You are perfect and provide me with everything I need. You know all my innermost secrets and desires, and love me as I am. I do not need to shout out the contents of my soul, for YOU know. And that is all that matters. All I'm waiting on, all I'm anxious to happen, it's already here with You. All I pray for every single night when the world has gone to sleep, You are giving to me just by hearing me. There is nothing of this world that will give me more satisfaction than being Your child. I am exhausting myself needlessly, and I'm sorry it has taken this long to see Your unfailing love for me. I am sorry I ever put other idols in front of You, and I'm sorry I ever doubted Your power so much that I trusted everything more than You, including myself. I am done, I have come to my senses, and I thank You for accepting me, time and time again, even when I fail You. May I always be a child in faith, for no matter how much I fight it, I will always be Your child.

The Dance

2007-03-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

Two people stood at the entrance to the hall leading to the bathroom, seemingly guarding the entrance on either side. Their bodies were covered in tattoos, their hair in a fashion that could only be described as punk. But their faces held the expressions of someone you would want to meet, full of joy and happiness, and of someone who would surely accept anyone from all walks of life. And they smiled at me as they continued talking in an excited fashion. But they did not use their lips or their voices, they used their hands. The only sound was the clanking of glasses, the music at a low hum, the hiss from the espresso machine. But a bubble was present around them, their meaning expressed through excited gestures, an occasional laugh escaping from their smiling mouths. And all noises seemed to disappear as their conversation seemed to be the loudest one in the room. I ducked underneath the conversation to wait outside the occupied restroom. And I tried not to be obvious in my interest of their dancing fingers, the rapid movements in their hands in the language that was a mystery to me. I watched out of the corner of my eye, trying to appear fascinated by the bulletins on the wall, but really I was fascinated by the grace they possessed. And as the woman in the restroom came out, our eyes caught and we smiled, and it was almost like we both knew that silence was necessary, not wanting to break the magic spell these two beautiful creatures had over anyone who happened to be witness to their exchange.

...

A friend once wrote of her experience at a party, where she was the only person that could hear the deafening music, the rest of the guests only able to feel the bouncing rhythm that shook the whole room. The cops finally came and told the guests that they would have to turn down the music. And the room no longer shook, the guests unable to dance for they could no longer "hear" the music. Confused hands moved in a fury of motion as the situation was explained to those who couldn't understand the sudden change. And the birthday girl stood up, an interpreter beside her to communicate what she was signing.

"I can't hear the music...I can feel the music....so can everyone stand up and close their eyes and feel their heart beats...and dance to your heart beat......"

And my friend was moved in awe as the silent party continued to dance with no sound whatsoever, but all in a movement that blended as one, and was reminded again of the wonderful connection we all share as many different people combined as one.

...

When I left the restroom, the couple was gone. But a second couple waited at a table with their son. They, too, were decorated in tattoos. Their son, no older than 4, sported a punkish mohawk and an innocent face. And they too knew this foreign language, their young son contributing to the conversation in a delicate movement of his hands. And I wanted to cry at the beauty of it all, wishing in that moment I could take away my gift of sound to join their beautiful world of dancing hands and silent laughter.

The Anchor

2007-02-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

For the last several weeks, my son has been extra clingy. It's been kind of nice, actually, as he has been content in just being at my side, or in my lap, or holding my hand, or interrupting whatever he is doing to come up and give me a really big hug. And I've been happy to comply. But I also wonder about what's going on inside of him that is making him so needy for me.

I've been working a lot lately. For the past three months I have been working full time at my job in a temporary position. Thankfully I move back to part time this next week, and I get Mondays off of work, giving me a three day weekend (yay!). But all Lucas has known is that I am gone almost the whole week, and it has been that way since September. His interaction with me is in the morning getting ready for school, and for three hours before bedtime. It has finally reached a head for him, and now when I am home, it is like he is soaking up lost time as furiously as he can. It also seems like he's afraid of losing me. It seems that the poor little guy has gone through so many changes in his young life, that he is afraid that if he doesn't hold onto me for dear life, I might leave too.

I have been taking this time just listening to him, and he has been opening up to me. He's gotten out some pretty hard feelings that he cried about having. But I could sense the relief in him for getting these difficult feelings out, ones I know he has been conflicted in having, and I can see his healing process take place. He is finally opening up to me about things he thought I'd hate him for. I have just held him, rocked his little body, and told him I could never hate my favorite little boy in the whole world, and that I was so proud of him for understanding his feelings and being honest about them.

He's been really emotional lately, crying at the drop of a hat over lots of things that would normally not even touch him. My role has been to be strong for him, to be the anchor he can hold onto while he misses certain parts of his life that are no longer, that he has had to become older than his 6 years to overcome.

In essence, isn't this the role God has with us? As I have been going through my own life changes, and as I have been strong for my son, I have my own questions and feelings that would have been hard to go through on my own without an anchor. I have prayed plenty, and have felt times when God held my own body in the folds of his warmth, slowly rocking it as I cried into the robes of his breath. And in sadness, I realize he's been there all the time, through all the changes I have gone through, and through the changes I am still going through.

Aren't we fortunate to have a God who knows us, who cares about us, who will never abandon us in our time of need, even when we push him aside? Aren't we fortunate to be able to be held and rocked in those times of turmoil, when we feel like the world is pushing us away, wanting nothing more to do with us?

In Buddhism they call this feeling enlightenment and Nirvana. In Christianity, they call it mysticism.

It is the feeling of God overcoming us, passing through us, proving his existance with the very presence of Him. It's the benefit of having a personal relationship with God, and one he does not fail in giving to us. It's what Jacob experienced when he saw God open up the Heavens. It's what Frances of Assissi experienced when he embraced a leper and felt God's undeniable presence,and understood his role in life serving God. It's what Mother Theresa embraced in sharing God's word without words to convince, but clear as day through her life of catering to the poor and forgotten. It's what caused Moses to lead his people from slavery and oppression, and what changed Moses' hair from dark to white upon seeing the face of God on the mountain. It's what Abraham felt as he heard God, despite living in a land where strange Gods were worshipped, and what caused Abraham to become the father of the nations. Mysticism is what Jesus experienced in His life, and what he gave back through teaching in love, and by fulfilling the ultimate act of sacrifice so that one day we would be able to experience God face to face.

It's what I have gone through in those times I have tuned out the distractions of this world and focused on God. It's the feeling He washes over me, the warm feeling that radiates through my whole being as I feel Him take over my whole body, leaving no part untouched. It's when the whole world just disappears and all I know is Him, for in that moment He is all I feel and all I hear. It is when he reassures me that He will always be my anchor, should I accept that.

This is the example I wish to give to my son in his time of need, that even though life is moving in a tornado of hurt and abandonment, confusion and disappointment, I am here, his anchor, never changing and always loving. And it is my hope that one day, when he grows too old to climb in my lap and seek comfort, he can take this relationship I have had with him and transfer it to God. It is my hope that my example will be understood by him as the love God has for us as His children, and that this love will never, ever disappear, just as my love for him will never disappear.

Go fly a Kite.....

2007-01-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Nothing like flying a kite on a wonderful January day at the beach.... Spent today with the kids at our freezing and windy beach with our new stunt kite, and we had the time of our lives! We ended it with a warm dinner at a local restaurant, reminiscing over our day, and laughing and enjoying each other's presence. It's days like these that our little family of three seems absolutely perfect.... We're not broken, we're fixed!

Farewell to a Great Year

2007-01-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

Visiting Danielle's blog today, I was inspired by her list of 2006 blessings. The beginning of the year for me is usually the time when I breathe a sigh of relief at the chance to start over and make new plans for how the year will be. But it is also a time when I look back over the year and think about how it turned out.

This past year I was especially blessed. I remember that at the end of 2005, I just knew that 2006 would be a special year. I knew it would be different from the rest. And I was most definitely right! 2006 has proved to be my turning point, the year I transformed, changed, grew. It was the year I lost the sorrowful divorced girl, the one who depended on the wisdom of others and who didn't seem to have a voice. In her place I found the confident woman that was always inside me, the one with her own wisdom, with the strength to make her own life.

2006 was the year that I gave up my divorced identity, letting go of the misconception that being divorced was a sad reality, and somehow made me less. It was the year that I realized that I am my own person, not identified by who I was once married to. It was the year I let go of my sufferings, realizing that they didn't create me. It was the year that I stopped lamenting, and started living....for my life!

2006 was the year that I found out what being a devoted mother looks like. Yeah, I've been a mother for almost 9 years now. I've been a single mother for 3. But this year I realized that sometimes we must make huge sacrifices and give up our own comfort to allow our children the best world possible. Sometimes we must give up some things, and some people, for our family's well being. And when life gets hard, you just work harder.

2006 was the year that I realized that I need friends and family. I could not have made it through the trials of this year without my devoted family and my true friends. Sometimes I was given valuable advice. Sometimes I was given a willing ear. Sometimes I was given a shoulder to cry on. I learned to receive, as well as to give. I learned that sometimes we need to be supported so we can be strong.

2006 was the year I sound the courage to work outside of the home. In 2004 I began working with my father in an amazing job that allowed me to make an income while still being home with my kids. This last year, circumstances "forced" me into seeking a different job. I landed the very first job I tried for, at my dream location, the newspaper! It was a place I always wanted to work. And when I got the job, my fears were overwhelming. But I soon realized that it was possible, I could actually be successful in a job, and my kids would survive the transition. It's been rocky, hard at times, and absolutely wonderful! Working with my father gave me the confidence I had lost for awhile, and allowed me the strength to actually survive the fast paced and demanding job that I have now. And not only that, having this job gives me the sight to see the possibilities I have for the future. And that excites me most of all.

In 2006 I found God, over and over again, every single day. I saw Him in the big things, and I saw Him in the little things. I saw Him in ways I had overlooked Him. I saw that God answers prayers in His own way, in His timing, and in ways much better than my own. I found God's wisdom in my own religion, and I found God's wisdom in other religions. And I realized that my identity as a Christian never lessened in the process, I daresay it was strengthened. There were times when my questioning even troubled myself, but when it all fell together, I found God waiting for me in the end. I learned that finding God is all in the journey, and the journey never ends.

As I look back at 2006, I see a transformation that I am proud of. And it makes me confident that 2007 holds even more in store for me. I am excited about this new year, not as an escape from the previous year, but as a continuance of a truly magical year.

Happy New Year to all my friends! May your new year hold magic for you too!

2007

2007-01-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

New year.
New start.
Changes
     to be made
          to be decided
               to follow through.

And that can be scary...
               ...and exciting.

Will I like it?
Will I be accepted?
Is it everything I want it to be?

Most important,
Can a single mother
          with a not so elegant past
find her place amongst these strangers?

And will I be equal
          and not place myself beneath them?
And will I allow my soul
     to shine
          rather than hiding it in fear
               as has been my habit for years?

Only time will tell.
And this is the time to do it.
I will make the change.
I will let my soul sing.
And I will no longer hide
          or apologize
For a faith that I know is right.

What kind of Christian are you?

2006-12-31T16:03:00.000-08:00

Just for fun, I took one of those online quizes. Here's what I came up with....

You scored as Classical Liberal. You are a classical liberal. You are sceptical about much of the historicity of the Bible, and the most important thing Jesus has done is to set us a good moral example that we are to follow. Doctrines like the trinity and the incarnation are speculative and not really important, and in the face of science and philosophy the surest way we can be certain about God is by our inner awareness of him. Discipleship is expressed by good moral behaviour, but inward religious feeling is most important.

Classical Liberal

93%

Emergent/Postmodern

82%

Modern Liberal

68%

Neo orthodox

64%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

61%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

54%

Reformed Evangelical

36%

Roman Catholic

32%

Fundamentalist

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Christmas

2006-12-25T00:22:00.000-08:00

The Trials of Being a Parent

2006-12-21T12:28:00.000-08:00

Last night I had to get some last minute Christmas gifts for my kids' teacher aides. So naturally, I went to where all last minute gifts can be found: the local Starbucks. I shopped the displays until I found the most perfect packages of chocolate covered graham crackers, and the most sparkling gift card I could find. I paid for my purchases, and headed back to my car. A commotion to my right diverted my attention away from my destination, and I turned to look. A woman was screaming at someone in her minivan. From the way it sounded, I thought at first it was a homeless woman yelling at her mate, both completely drunk. The brake lights were flashing, obviously from whoever sat in the driver's seat that was teasing the screaming woman. Upon closer inspection, though, it became painfully obvious what was really going on.

This was another case of a frazzled mom right before the holidays.

A boy of about 9 sat in her seat in the van, pushing her buttons, along with all the buttons in the van. She stood there screaming at him to get in his seat while he either ignored her or screamed back. Nothing was getting accomplished, I could feel the tension coming over myself as I'm sure she was consumed by it.

I tell you, though I haven't been in this identical situation, I definitely have a defiant child, and have done the crazy mom routine. I have screamed, punished, spanked, timed out for eternity, screamed some more, and caused my head to spin round and round like the excorcist. Well, needless to say, all that resulted in more defiance, and more stress on me. And extreme dislike for my son, who obviously was the one with the problem!

Troubles with my son finally came to a head and I had no choice but to take him back to the counselor we've been seeing for a little while. I had a whole list made out of problems I wanted fixed in him. And I had definite expectations about how the counseling session would be, my validation being first and foremost. Imagine my surprise when the counselor took me in the room by myself, and told me what things I needed to change in myself. What? But he's the one with the problem! Not me!

Well, this is still a work in progress, and one that I am still developing as my second nature, but the screaming and out of control behavior in ME has subsided. In its place is a quiet and calm voice and demeanor, a hug or a hand on the back, a validation for HIS feelings, and awareness that he is only 5 (and in some ways even younger), and needs the chance to learn certain skills in good behavior before he can master them and abide naturally by them. Consequences are given calmly with love, with the promise that when he decides to change his behavior, he can cease the consequence himself. As a result, my son is less defiant, and more willing to crumple into me for comfort when he is royally frustrated. I am less stressed, and remembered that I actually DO love my son with every fiber of my being. Of course, I do still slip up in this process, and so does he. But it's much better than it was before.

When I saw that woman screaming at her child, and her child screaming back at her, my first desire was to give that woman a big hug. Obviously she was burnt out. And then I wanted to tell her to start over, hug her son, and calmly tell him to please get in his seat, and that when they got home, maybe he could help her make dinner, if he wanted to. I could tell she wasn't a bad mom, just a mom without the right tools to get her son to abide. Instead, I said a quick prayer and got in my car. Unsolicited advice is sometimes worse than the right advice, and it wasn't my place, and I wasn't asked for my opinion on the situation. Instead I am writing down my unsolicited advice here in my own space.

Love your child. Forget spanking. Forget yelling. Forget threats, especially the empty ones. Your child knows you won't follow through. Be the example you want them to follow, and you will have a happy family and a home filled with love!

10 Steps to Positive Parenting

· Show love and affection.
· When necessary, take time to cool down.
· Compliment your child.
· Set basic rules and limits.
· Develop a set of shared meanings, values, and goals.
· Introduce your child to books.
· Listen and talk to your child.
· Be the kind of person you want your child to be.
· Offer guidance.
· Tell your child “I love you” each and every day.

10 Steps to Teach a Child Discipline

· Teach and model self-control by your example.
· Set routine for bedtime, meals, and chores.
· Explain reasons for your rules.
· Let your child help make rules.
· Let your child help decide consequences for broken rules.
· Try to understand your child’s feelings.
· If your child breaks a rule, control your anger.
· If you lash out, apologize.
· Compliment your child often.
· Tell your child “I love you” each and every day.

10 Steps to Cool Down

· Take a deep breath. And another. Then remember you are the adult.
· Close your eyes and imagine you’re hearing what your child is about to hear.
· Press your lips together and count to ten. Or better yet, to 20.
· Exercise to release tension.
· Phone a friend.
· If someone can watch your child, go outside and take a walk.
· Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.
· Turn on some music, maybe even sing along.
· Drink a glass of cold water.
· Tell you child “I love you” each and every day.

Found at The Parent Center.

Giving

2006-12-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

This morning I was early for work, for a change. So I decided to celebrate by stopping in at my favorite Starbucks to get a hot cup of coffee to warm me on such a brisk morning. And once inside, I also caught sight of their new morning sandwiches. Having skipped making my lunch that morning, those sandwiches with their millions of calories made my mouth water. I stood in line for a little more than 5 minutes, and must have changed my mind about them at least 20 times. Once at the front, I decided that, yes, I wanted one, even if it just sat at my desk until I was a little hungrier.

The walk to work in the morning is about a block from the company parking lot, and a cold one at that this time of year. Most cars still carry the telltale signs of frost being furiously scraped off the windows, and give the appearance of just being snowed on (though snow here is an anomaly…..). And the coffee never tasted so good against the brisk cold. On the walk to work, I passed by a doorway with a homeless man sleeping, completely covered from head to toe in a tattered and dirty blanket, thin at that. And I thought to myself how awful that he had to endure that kind of cold through the whole night. And I kept walking. But my pace slowed as I thought of my hot sandwich tucked under my arm. I must have taken at least three more steps forward when I realized my duty and turned around. I walked back to the sleeping man, and without disturbing him, I placed it next to the empty to-go container that already lay on his “luggage”. And then I turned around and walked the rest of the way to work. My face was a bit flushed walking by the workmen that surrounded the area, and I avoided their gaze, actually hoping they DIDN’T see me.

Once inside the doors, I don’t think I thought about the sleeping man or the hot sandwich I had left with him again, as work can take over one’s thoughts once immersed.

I got out a bit early today to take my son to his counseling appointment, and passed the same spot that the man had been sleeping. Of course he was gone. As was his luggage, his blankets, and his empty to-go container. All that remained was the napkins that I had laid under the sandwich…..and the unopened sandwich itself. The seal on the sandwich wasn’t even broken, and it laid in it’s perfect packaging as if placed their deliberately. The message in its abandonment was clear: charity was not favorably accepted by this man.

Now there are several conclusions I can draw from this. One is the lesson that pride and ego can be stronger than necessity. That is true in all our lives. Now that I’ve said that, I’ll say no more on that, for saying more would result in my expectance that if I give, I should receive something for it.

And that brings me to what exactly came to my mind upon leaving that unopened sandwich just as it lay….Giving should be just that. Giving. If it is received thankfully, great. If it is taken greedily, fine. But sometimes our gifts are refused, and that’s ok too. For when we give anything to someone else, we are honoring God. It does not matter what we are giving, as long as it is done with a humble heart and no expectations. For then it is given in love, and given without conditions at that. And that kind of giving, the kind that is given freely without expectations, is showing love. And that is what giving is all about.

Tired

2006-12-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

I hear you so softly in the wind.
Please speak louder,
I'm begging you.
I need your strength
  your wisdom
   your beauty and solace.
I need your friendship,
to know that you are here for me
     as I move.
You are too far away.
You are too far away.
You are too far away.
     Please move closer.
Those whispers on the wind,
Place them in my ear.
Because I could sure use some wisdom right now.
I could sure use your shoulder to lean on.
And sometimes I am so tired
     that I could sure use your movements
          in place of my own.
I'm just so tired.
Please Lord, help me.
          In this moment, I just need a rest.

Do unto others....

2006-12-12T00:16:00.000-08:00

“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone can destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, there may be jealousy, be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.” - Mother Teresa

Spinning

2006-11-29T19:35:00.000-08:00

You ever have everything you ever prayed for, and were suddenly freaked out that it was all going to fall? It's called placing all your treasures here on earth. And I am guilty as charged. I'm having a hard time trusting that God is taking care of everything, and I feel like I am about to fall into a giant hole. I feel scared for what I might lose due to my own shortcomings, and shame for those shortcomings. I feel the need to find something to hold onto for dear life, because everything is happening so fast: my job, my future, life. I'm afraid that if my mighty control snaps, everything will spin out of control. As if I am God. As if the world spins because I will it.

I should be elated. Everything is happening according to plan. But it's all happening so fast, too fast, and my doubts are overpowering my confidence. God is there. I know it. But I am having a hard time holding onto Him. Or rather, letting Him hold onto me....

Is God Your Master or Your Servant?

2006-11-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

God helps those that help themselves. In the Bible or not? Not. In fact, through much research of the Bible and of many pastors' views on this saying, it is clear that the Bible says the exact opposite. God helps those that cannot help themselves. And my favorite point made through this research, we cannot expect God's help if we are helping ourselves, as this saying implies. Truth is, we cannot expect God to work in any way we wish for Him to work. Which brings me to my next point, nowhere can I find allowance for the other extreme: Trusting in God to do all the work without lifting a finger (because we trust Him), thus making God our personal servant, and we, the gods.

Trust in God. God is in charge. God will see you through. Ok. That's fine. But what of the rest of the story? If we sit back, tell God that we are unhappy with injustice, can we expect Him to take care of it? Perhaps God will magically create some being to come down from the Heavens, take care of the mess, and then go back, and we won't have to lift a finger. Perhaps I should have sat back and let God do all the work instead of going to every single court date and mediation, and counseling with the children, and hiring a lawyer, and fighting furiously to guard my children from exposure to violence.

Psalm 84:12 "O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Does trusting God mean we can rest, putting God to work for us? No. It is so easy to believe this way. There are many injustices out there that need to be changed, to be righted. Trusting in God is seeking His counsel and strength in our ACTIONS. I know of many Christians around me who are actively helping those in need, actively helping those who cannot help themselves. And that is admirable. And while we all need a helping hand in areas of our lives, if you are on the receiving end of such help, it is always time to stand up and give back as you are able. For one, if one is to help another to the point of dependence, no salvation from the life of helplessness has been gained. And in the same way, if we are receiving, and putting all our faith in that, how can we in good faith believe that we are worthy of such help? And how can we take advantage of those that are helping us to set us upright, when we have no intention of ever standing on our own?

The same goes for our reliance of God. God is our creator. He is the very life that moves in and out of us. He put the will to pollinate the flowers in the bees, and he put the power of gravitational force in the moon. He created a perfect universe that is capable of creation. He can change the weather, a circumstance, a heart. But He is not our personal God in the form of a servant. In contrast, we are at His mercy and should be in awe of Him. While it is not in the Bible that "God helps those who help themselves", we would be pretty full of ourselves to believe that trusting in God means that He will do our bidding as we wish without us ever lifting a finger.

But what does trusting in God mean? When I did have all the court dates and battles for the protection of my children, I had a lot of stress. I lamented that it was too much work, it was hopeless, that their father was much stronger than me. In essence, I was putting more faith in my ex and in the current situation than I was in God. It was when I changed my faith, my trust, and my efforts that I saw different results. I began to trust in God. I stopped praying for a particular outcome. The Lord knew my heart, and my fears. I instead asked for wisdom in what He wanted, and for the tools to handle whatever came our way. Of course, I hoped for a particular outcome, I would be lying if I said I didn't. But I asked for the strength to accept however the Lord deemed this would end up. And then, instead of sitting back and waiting for the results, I moved forward. I did everything the court asked, as well as paid attention to my children's needs through all of this. Every bit of my effort went towards this battle, and I worked harder than I ever have for anything. And when it was all over, while it didn't turn out exactly like I had envisioned in the beginning, it turned out exactly as IT SHOULD turn out. And it was true, God's plan was better than mine. And I realized even more that I could trust Him.

Psalm 115:9-11 "O house of Israel, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD,
he is their help and shield."

Trust in the Lord. He is your HELP, as well as your shield. Seek God in counsel, ask humbly for wisdom that He deems necessary to give you. Depend on the fact that God sees the overall picture, and knows what's best. But understand that we are part of that picture, and part of what makes this great world tick.

So what exactly am I saying? Do your part, plain and simple. Trust in God while taking action. Become the servant, and not the served.

Sad

2006-11-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

Sad that a "Christian" president will claim to be a servant of God, then send out brothers and sisters to war to kill others and be killed.
Sad that this same president takes away their benefits the very day after sending these men and women to war.
Sad that this war will not end, for it is important for us to prove we are the stronger nation.
Sad that this is "disquised" as a war on terrorism.
Sad that it is no longer clear who the terrorists are.
Sad that it is more important for the government to have their perks than it is for an immigrant child to receive healthcare in the first two years of their life.
Sad that power is gained by manipulation.
Sad that racism still exists as strongly as ever, just in different forms.
Sad that the majority of us still live by the motto of "What can you do for ME?"
Sad that Christians are at war with each other.
Sad that I no longer feel comfortable in church circles, and have given up a lot of friends because of this.
Sad that the people who stood around me in my times of need aren't close to me anymore.
Sad that my leaving was made easy, though it wouldn't have changed my mind.
Sad that condemning sins has become more important than the love of Christ.
Sad that I still feel the need to fight that, but don't want this negativity in my life any longer, or my focus to be on hate and anger more than the love of Christ.
Sad to feel abandoned by, and to be abandoning, those that love the same God.

Silence

2006-11-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

Silence.
Deafening silence.
It's so loud.
It's so prominant.
It's so pointed,
          it hurts.
And no amount of noise
     can make it go away.
Except for the Blues,
     and an occasional Latin love song,
          and the piping in of two small big voices,
all I hear is
Silence.

Alone.
A big house
     full of life
          filled with love
               and plenty of things to take care of.
But this isn't that.
Despite my two little ones
     and the smile I wear for them,
I feel I'm in solitude.
And so I am
Alone.

Unfeeling.
Not angry.
Not depressed.
But somewhere in the middle.
But being that I can't name it
     and I can't change it on my own
I am quite numb,
and it amounts to
Unfeeling.

Waiting.
For what? I don't know.
But I'll welcome it any way.
It's arrival will wash over me
     like the relief one feels
          when the pressure is released.
But until then, I'm
Waiting.

And when it comes,
     gone will be the silence
          gone will be the loneliness
               gone will be the apathy
                    gone will be the anticipation.
And in their place,
     whether it brings sadness or joy,
          warmth or heartache,
               turmoil or relief,
I will know.
And that's better than all of this.

Whispering this prayer.....

2006-11-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.

There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
     Oh great God be close to me
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.

But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.

     Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
     Are you small enough?
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.

"Small Enough"
written by Nicole Nordeman
sung by Nicole Nordeman/Mindy Gledhill

Nurture

2006-11-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Your light still shines
     when you are
          down and out.
Though weary,
your smile
still brightens the day.
When you are sick
I wish it were me...
          ...not you.
But I will care for you
all the days of my life.
There's something about
     holding your hand
          that warms my soul
               to the very center.
And I swear the world
turns pink with
                       your warmth.
And it carries me through.

It's peculiar how
when I am holding you up,
when you are too weary
     to lift your head,

you are still my strength.

Just your smile alone
     could make me move mountains.
And the gentle gesture
     of your hand on mine
          allows me to fly.
When you are in need of me
I am just as in need of you.
What you may not know is
                    ....you make me sing.

Unfair

2006-10-16T18:07:00.000-07:00

Angry child of mine,
     life is not fair.
You have more
than your
fair share of
     problems.
But you can overcome.
     Life is life.
And it is only your own.

You must realize that.
Why wish for what others have?
Why torture yourself with
     all you are missing?

See your blessings.
Embrace your hardships.

          Take each day as a
     step up
the ladder.

Only when you
accept
life for life,
will you see that
life IS life.
You will see the
blue
in the sky.
You will see the
green
in the grass.
You will see the
     trees
and not just the forest,
     the flowers
and not just the weeds.
     You will breathe
     and know you are alive.
You will forget that
     you
are a fatherless son,
and remember that
     you
are a child of God.

And you are not alone.

     You are mine.
     And forever...
...I will love you.

Thank you, Lord

2006-10-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Lullaby

2006-10-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

This was my favorite song my grandmother used to sing to us. Now that I'm grown up, I see how sadistic she really was.... Ah, I love my granny!

This is the day we give babies away
With a half a pound of tea
You just open the lid, and out pops the kid
With a twelve month guarantee.

This is the day we give babies away
With a half a pound of tea
If you know any ladies who want any babies
Just send them round to me

There's an island where out in the sea
Where babies grow up on the trees
It's oh so much fun, to swing in the sun
But you have to watch out if you sneeze, you sneeze
You have to watch out if you sneeze

You have to watch out if you sneeze
'Cause swinging up there in the breeze
If you happen to cough, you might very well fall off
And tumble down flop on your knees, your knees
And tumble down flop on your knees.
And when the stormy winds wail
And the breezes blow up in a gale
There's oh such a plopping and flopping and dropping
And fat little babies just hail, just hail
And fat little babies just hail.

And the babies lie there in a pile
And grownups come after a while
And they always pass by any babies that cry
They take only babies that smile, that smile
Take triplets or twins if they'll smile

There's an island where out in the sea
Where babies grow up on the trees
It's oh so much fun, to swing in the sun
But you have to watch out if you sneeze, you sneeze
You have to watch out if you sneeze

Luna

2006-10-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

The moon
lights up my world
like the daytime
and
bathes the pasture
     with its
          glow.
I can hear
wood chimes
     in the moon,
reminding me of
a place
     not
          so
               far
                    away.
The moon pulls
at me,
beckoning me
with her
     moon beams.
And I find myself
at an empty creek,
the gurgling
     nothing
          but a ghost.
But the earth
                         grounds me.
The moon
                         surrounds me.
And the
     call of the night
          envelops me
until I am
     fully
          in
               it.
With my face
to the sky,
I soak in the
moon beams,
and bathe in the
     glory
          of the night.

Friends

2006-10-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

Look what's hanging out in our garden! A frog came and decided to make his home in a potted plant on the back porch. He's been there for several days. Apparently he was just staking out the place for both him and his mate. Now there are two large frogs living in the potted plant.

Sometimes things are better with someone than by ourselves.

Last night, my friend Gina came over. I had been feeling antisocial when she texted me about my plans that night. I was in sweats, enjoying a cup of tea by a warm fire, and I did not want to leave it. I'd had a long day at work, and sitting at home was the only thing that felt perfect. So I told her I couldn't come over.

But then I thought about it.

I didn't have to leave my home. Suddenly, some company sounded really good. And Gina is such a great friend to gab with and be real with. So I quickly texted her back and asked her over to my house. She came, bearing gifts of wine and cheese. And we spent the next several hours just enjoying pure girl talk, full of laughter and catching up. It was the perfect end to the day.

I tend to be a loner by choice. I love alone time. But I also get consumed by it. I make excuses about being able to do things because I have kids. That's my excuse. I can't come over because I have kids. Most of my friends do NOT have kids. And to go out can be difficult when you have kids. But there is nothing stopping me from inviting my friends here.

My sister has a friend who really is a single mother in all senses of the word. I'm lucky because I have two parents who I live with who help me to care for the kids. My sister's friend lives in her own apartment with a toddler and no real help in babysitting. But she holds a "girls' night" once a week at her house so that she doesn't lose her socializing time. Her life did not end because she had kids. She doesn't let life get in the way of life.

Friends are important. They help us grow. I thank God for my friends, for their support and love of me, even though my life tends to be on an entirely different scope than theirs. Being alone can be good. It can be very fulfilling. But life without friends, that's a really lonely way to exist.

Life is full of planning. And when we plan, it's our lives that we are ultimately planning for. But, it's better to stake out peices of this world with plans to enjoy it with others. When it comes down to it, would you rather be a lonely frog in a potted plant, or a frog with a friend to share it with?

Hugs

2006-10-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

I saw this on a couple blogs I read, most recently on SuperHero's blog. I dare you not to get misty eyed, or yearn for a hug afterwards. Spreading the love, imagine that. Getting a point across with a hug. Everyone needs to be loved.

My son, the soccer star

2006-09-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

This video is funny. Lucas' team is the blue team. Lucas is #9, the one with the yellow shirt on making the goal. On the other team, the one kicking off, is the brother of my daughter's first friend and soccer mate. His dad is the coach, and Summer's very first coach for three years. His son is yelling at him to stop telling him when to go. You can hear me laughing in the background, along with my daughter. Are these 4 and 5 year olds not the cutest things you have ever seen?

Lucas LOVES soccer. If you haven't seen me on most of these weekends, it is because our family has been living at the soccer field. That's right. We're there so much, that I have brought my tent out of storage, and we live right there behind field #4. There's a porta potty and everything. And if you're really desperate, there's plenty of trees lining the field.

Anyway, Lucas is quite the soccer champ. His non-stop energy and inability to sit still all comes into play on the soccer field. For when that ball comes out, Lucas is on it like a hawk. His eyes never leave the ball, and he drives it down the field. Today he made 7 goals, and his game average is 5 goals. Yes, my baby is going to get him some edumacation college style through a sports scholarship. That's the plan, and there ain't no Plan B. ;-)

Oh, don't pay any attention to the kid pulling the shirt up over his head between plays. Um....

But the one problem in soccer, is that there are more than 3 soccer players to a team. in the Under 6 league, soccer games are played three on three. And they split one field into two, so six soccer players can play at a time. This means that 4 or more players can be seen sitting on the blanket waiting to be called in. This is fine for those players that would rather be picking flowers or their noses. But Lucas does NOT like sitting out, and he takes it personally when he has to.

This is what Lucas does when he has to wait his turn, and the game ends with him sitting on the blanket. He has to listen to his coach. He can't just go in and keep playing. But he has to do something about it. So he cries.

Don't worry. He got over it. Once I fed him, he forgot the tears. :-) And it helps that his coach really takes Lucas under his wing. After the blanket fiasco, Lucas wanted to go home. I had a talk with him about sportsmanship, and that he needed to "suck it up" (I was a bit gentler than that), and congratulate the other team.

His coach took over, and after a good coach talk and a pat on the back, as well as a promise of more playing time next game, he sent him on his way to give a high five and a "good game" to the other players.

If you wish to see more videos before you recruit Lucas for your soccer team and pay his mom/agent millions of dollars in royalties, please click here. If you just want to see Lucas play, go ahead and click the link, too. He can never have too many fans.

Blah

2006-09-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how in one day a mood can change. Yesterday I was wishing my computer was nearby, as I was just feeling so blessed. I wanted to blog my praises, to somehow put them outside of me on this here computer screen. And then today? The blahs hit. I'm feeling a little low, and a bit estranged from everything. I don't like feeling this way. I know why I feel this way, but I'm unsure if I can make the blahs go away and stay away. They seem to be hitting more often lately, and leave just enough behind to snowball into the next blahs. And it's getting rather tiresome.

I think I need some God time....some uninterrupted, quiet place, focus on my creator time. Because I'm just feeling like I've been taken apart and put back together all wrong, and with some missing peices to boot. Maybe He will fix me up and get me running again.

....

2006-09-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

Can't blog. Working.....

Autumn

2006-09-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Not so sad.
Just need a cry.
A release.
A nose running
     tear streaming
         voice wailing

Cry.

The pressure's building.
The stresses are mounting.
The world's waiting.
The sky is falling.

I'm not so sad.
No one thing
is too much.
Altogether...though...

it is.

Life is never.
    Fully.
        Fair.
Sometimes
the bad guys
            win.
Sometimes
the good guys
            lose.

That's life.

Anticipation.
Hope for the best.
Expect.    The.    Worst.

Of course.

It could be
the hurt
    and the anger
        and the unfairness
        that someone
    I love
can't escape.
And it could be
my tendency
to take up
other people's cross,
while ignoring my own.

It could be fear.
It could be death.
It could be a baby...

    ...who never was.

It could be the innocence of
today
4 years ago
    vs.
the exposed pain of
tomorrow
4 years ago...
...the shocking truth
that sometimes
    MIRACLES
turn out different
than expected.

The first day of Autumn.
The life cycle begins
and ends.

The truth is
I'm not so sad.
I just need a
    Cry.
An acknowledgment
that today
    is a good day
        to cry.

Savoring the moment....

2006-09-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

I also thought, "As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"
So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?" Ecclesiastes 3:18-22

I am officially joining the work force on Monday. I got the job! Goodbye to typing up in the sun, hello to my own cubicle. Goodbye to sporadic work and sporadic pay, and to staying in sweats all day long, hello to set work hours and a reliable check, and to pantyhose and blouses.

Hello to working and feeling like I'm accomplishing something.

I was reading the bible today, and I fell across the above scripture. And it just called to me. Right now I am excited about this job. But, as with every worker, jobs can feel like a burden. And I know I will experience this as I fall into my routine. But in life, the way to live is to do everything with meaning. Our whole lives are an act of worship to God. And work is no exeption. It is better to accept our work as a part of life, to see that being human does not afford us the right to be too good for work. If we do work because we HAVE to, we end up HATING it, dreading work, and run the great risk of putting forth our poorest efforts. But if we put forth our best efforts, and remembering WHY we are doing our best, we are honoring God.

Thich Naht Hanh, one of many spiritual leaders whose works I love reading to learn from, puts it in this way (I have replaced "Buddha" with "Jesus" so that the point is not construed:

Bathing a Newborn "Jesus"
-- Thich Nhat Hanh

To my mind, the idea that doing the dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you are not doing them. Once you are standing in front of the sink with your sleeves rolled up and your hands in warm water, it really is not so bad. I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to go and have a cup of tea, the time will be unpleasant and not worth living. That would be a pity, for each minute, each second of life is a miracle. The dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are miracles! Each bowl I wash, each poem I compose, each time I invite a bell to sound is a miracle, each has exactly the same value. One day, while washing a bowl, I felt that my movements were as sacred and respectful as bathing a newborn Jesus. If he were to read this, that newborn Jesus would certainly be happy for me, and not at all insulted at being compared with a bowl.

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane. I must confess it takes me a bit longer to do the dishes, but I live fully in every moment, and I am happy. Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end that is, not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them.

If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of drinking the tea joyfully. With the cup in my hands I will be thinking about what to do next, and the fragrance and the flavor of the tea, together with the pleasure of drinking it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment."

May I always remember to present each motion of my life as a gift to God! If we all did this, our life of worship could create betterment in our lives, in those things that threaten to be mundane. And it will spread like wildfire to those around us, and to those around them. And so on. May I bring that to my new job, and to all the changes that are going on in my life. May I live in this moment, savoring it for all its worth, rather than living for many tomorrows from now when "life will be easier". The miracle is NOW. Praise God!

Cold

2006-09-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

That's me on the right

Well, it's September. And that means that it is cold. Very cold. Ok, maybe not Antartica cold, or even New York cold. It's Sonoma County cold, and that's cold enough for me.

I do not like the cold. Summertime, we had maybe 2 weeks total of super hot days. The rest of it was pretty mild. And when August hit, usually the hottest time of the year (unlike you Australian reader(s)), it came to be cold weather again, save for maybe ONE day. Today I am stuck inside typing up reports before I have to scour Sonoma County for comparable homes, and it must be 10 degrees colder inside than it is outside. And the only reason I'm not typing up outside is because the wind puts a chill on the teasing rays of the sun, making it warm and then freezing. So I am bundled up in sweats and typing away with frozen fingers.

My parents, whom I live with, have this thing about the heat being turned up. Even before the PG&E shortage a couple years back, we have never been able to turn the heat up past 60. And we could not turn the heat on at all until November. So when we could turn the heat up, we'd still have to wear overcoats and scarfs and mittens, but at least we couldn't see our breath anymore. But this is September, a good two months away from being able to heat our house somewhat properly. I am shivering at my kitchen table, practically chained to it while I attempt to crank out these reports before the weekend. Hence the much needed break to write a nonsensical blog entry, as well as check my email and see who's posted bulletins on my MySpace. Yeah, it's a hard life. I wonder why these reports take so long to write???

I'm missing the summertime. I enjoyed a summer full of swimming, getting a great tan (i.e. a touch of color on my pasty white skin so that it was just white, not pasty), popsicles, skirts and tank tops, and more swimming. Now it's time for bundling up in nonflattering clothes, just to make sure that my arms don't spontaneously freeze to my chest as I cross them in front of me to create the illusion of being warm. And while I type, all I can imagine doing is curling up in bed under my THREE comforters with a cup of hot cocoa and a movie playing on my laptop, eventually drifting off into a warm sleep.

Hmmmmmmm.... I could work tonight and the weekend.....

Ants for Appetizers

2006-09-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I hate ants. More than I hate flies, I hate ants. And adding to the flies in our house, is now an infestation of ants. It was bound to happen. They've been swarming the house, setting up little armies and getting ready to invade. At first they just went after the cat's food. I didn't worry too much. The cat didn't seem to mind, so why should I? I just put the cat food on top of the ants, drowning some of them, and allowing the cat to eat the rest. Eh, flavoring and protein. Well, soon the ants found their way out back. Then to the garbage cans. And soon they were everywhere I looked outside.

Yesterday I finally noticed them inside. I went to get my kids drinks for school, and apparently the ants got to the Capri-Suns first. I washed them off and let it go. Well, today, they got revenge on me for the whole cat food incident.

They bit my tongue.

I've been watching what I eat lately. I've been really good by keeping away from carbs and sugars. And I've been pretty successful....at staying the same exact weight. So naturally, I've been looking for ways to cheat all day long. And all we have are some lemon drops that I've been sucking on for days. My tongue's a little raw from them. So I left them alone in search of some chocolate. And I found some in the cabinet in the form of a half eaten bag of baking chocolate chips. So I ate some of those until I was disgusted by them. But even then, it wasn't enough. I needed something. And those lemon drops were still calling to me, even though my poor mouth was begging me not to. I decided on just one. I took one out and popped it in my mouth. Immediately I felt the most horrible sensation on my tongue. It was like I had put some pepper spray on it! It burned! I looked at the bag and saw the ants swarming the lemon drops. I immediately spit the lemon drop on the floor, and starting spitting. And I didn't even care that I was spitting on the carpet. The only thing I cared about was getting all those ants out of my mouth.

I finally made it to the sink and continued spitting. And there were still ants coming out. And my tongue felt like it was swelling. I was afraid that it really would swell up and fill my mouth. I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth, and saw an ant stuck in my teeth. I was thoroughly disgusted. And 2 hours later, my tongue still hurts. I didn't even know that non-red ants could bite, or whatever they were doing.

All I know is, I think I cured my sugar cravings......

A day in the life of a mom

2006-09-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

So anyway, Crissi has decided to take a break from writing about faith today. It seems she's in a rather sarcastic and bratty mood today, so she asked me, her alter ego, "not so super" mom, to fill in for her today. I'll try not be as sarcastic and bratty, but it seems her funky mood is kind of hard to avoid....

I was taking my son out for a drive the other day....

Ok, seriously. Kids can be the death of you. And they can be the life of you. And when you become a mom, they become the world.

I remember as a kid, many cool things that thrilled me. Disneyland. The county fair. Three day weekends. Playing hooky, piling into my van, and taking a beach day (I mean...that wasn't me). Getting presents. Getting dessert. Birthdays. Christmas morning. Making it to the top of the mountain behind my house. Winning the race at the roller skating rink. My creative writing teacher telling me I needed to be published. Being the only one of my three sisters going for a drive with my dad. Jumping off the swing, flying into the air. Building sandcastles at the beach. The first day of school, wearing all new clothes. First crushes, which sometimes was the only reason to go to school. First kisses. Holding hands. Secret admirers and locker notes. Slumber parties.

You know what thrills me now? Know what I brag about to anyone who will hear me? "Mom, MAY I PLEASE have a glass of water?" That's right. My son is learning manners, and remembering to use them. It has taken months of training, and it is finally being implemented. I am so proud that he is starting to now use these manners without reminders, that I want to throw a party. Yes, that's right. A PARTY.

Welcome to the life of a mom.

You wiped yourself at school today and there's no poop in your underwear? Congratulations!!!!
You remembered to dump your sand-filled shoes outside? I'm so proud of you!!!!
You didn't hit the boy (this time) who called you a big fat stupid head? Good job!!!!
You sat still on your time-out and said you were sorry, and sounded like you meant it? I couldn't be happier!!!!
You ate all your lunch today, even the orange slices? Awesome!!!!
I only had to spank you once today! Today was a really good day!!!!
You said please, thank you, you cleared your place at the table, and you picked up all the crumbs on the floor. Let's throw a good manners party!!!!

Yes. This is the life of a mom. You kidless readers are shaking your head, and are calling your doctor for a refill on your birth control, aren't you? Suddenly abstinence never sounded sweeter, did it? But you moms are nodding at every word.

My son's principal called the other day. There are two calls you never want to receive as a mom. One is from the police. The other is from the principal, herself. The principal never calls with good news. They leave that for the teachers. The principal only calls for one reason, and one reason only. Your child is the devil. And it has come to the attention of the principal.

Ok. This wasn't the only reason that the principal called. The other reason was because my child is being moved into another kindergarten class. The school was overbooked with kindergarteners, so we parents were warned that after a couple weeks of bonding time with their wonderful teacher, they might be ripped away from her and go through the whole stranger process all over again. My son won the lottery and became one of these students. The principal observed all the current kindergarten classes and decided which students would be best to move. My son was chosen because apparently he has been copying the antics of one of the kids in his class who is a known troublemaker. The good news is that my son is not the worst kid in the class. He's the second worst.

Woohoo! Let's throw a party!

The principal thought it would be best to seperate these two by moving my kid into the new class. At first I wanted to protest. I love his current teacher! She's exactly the kind of teacher I was hoping for when I was warning the school in his paperwork that he tends to goof off, and his head spins a little. She's kind, but firm. She commands the attention of the class in a nice kindergarteny kind of way. She sings what they want them to do. "Let's go sit on the carpet." "Put your backpacks away and your lunch in your cubbies." "Let's wash our hands after picking our nose, because that's a nasty habit and don't let me see it again." And she seems to specialize in problem children. Hence, the reason that "worst boy" was placed in her class. And when it was explained to me, it was clear that the lesser of two evils was to seperate him from his teacher as well as from "worst boy". So on Monday, my son will be experiencing his first day of kindergarten all over again. And thankfully, he is very excited about it. I was afraid that he would be upset about leaving his current teacher. But appears it's only good old "not so super" mom.

And even though he might find a new kid to latch onto and mimic, I have hope. Because he asked me for a glass of water, and used PLEASE MAY I. He might just be a college graduate after all, some day! Or at least stay out of jail.

Dear Jesus

2006-09-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Jesus,

Hey there. How's Heaven treating you? Earth's been good, can't complain.

....

Well, I guess you know when I'm lying. Sorry to break that commandment so early in this letter. I can't say things have been horrible, I'm not oblivious to how much God has blessed me with. But I can admit that things have been a bit trying and confusing lately.

Lord, let me start with my finances. It's been a bit rough. I've been job hunting, you know. And I hadn't been very diligent about it because getting a new job with different hours is scary, to say the least. But the market has changed. The career I have in Real Estate is proving to be not the path that I can continue on. I had banked everything on that career choice, as it allowed me to work at home and still be a single mother for my kids. Now I have to go out and get a "real" job. And this means less time with my kids, and having to figure out how they will be cared for while I am at work and they are out of school. Fortunately, I was also blessed with discovering a job offer at my local paper in the Real Estate advertising department. And because of my Real Estate and clerical background, this job had my name all over it. Jesus, you know what? They loved me! Everything is looking pretty positive about them offering me the job. I still have one more interview, so I don't know if the job will be mine. But if I receive it, I will be working in a place I have ALWAYS dreamed of working in, the newspaper, and I will be making a steady income. It's still not much, but it's money I can rely on, and for that I am truly grateful.

But Jesus, how do I get the monsters out of my head? You know the ones, the ones that are telling me that I can't do it, that I will now have to shell out more money for daycare because it's being proven that my parents are not able to watch the kids, the ones that scare me into thinking that I am not qualified enough, smart enough, capable enough. The ones that tell me that no matter how much money I make, it will never be enough to cover everything I need, so why bother. The ones that tell me if I take on a "real" job, I can kiss all my hopes and dreams goodbye. The ones that make me forget all this job will bless me with in the present and in the future.

I'm scared, Jesus. And I'm tired. I have been raising these kids without my ex for 5 1/2 months, now. And I feel guilty when I have times of resentment over this, especially when there are single mothers out there that have the same (or worse) financial predicaments, and really are doing it on their own without loved ones backing them up. But Lord, I have not seen a child support check this whole time. And you know I can really use it. I have been paying for the kids' counseling, it adds up to half my paycheck each month, and only because my kids' counselor has been generous in cutting the fee in half. And the program that offers to pay for these services for the trauma they endured by their father's actions is not yet coming through. This year, I could not afford a significant amount of clothes for the kids' school year. My son's teacher called my house last night to tell me that I still had to pay his field trip fund. Lord, I have paid more money than I bring in just for the cost requirements of the beginning of the school year. And if it weren't for the help of those around me, I would never have made it. But my pride makes me guilty because without their help, I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT. I can't do it on my own. And the monsters tell me that I never will.

I recently gave up my subsidized child care for my son. It felt good! I knew I would be putting my son in daycare for an hour after school each day, and I was proud of the fact that it would be coming out of my own pocket. Once again, my dad helped me with the initial costs. But here on out, it was planned that I would be paying the rest of it. I was proud of that. Now that I am about to get a job, and the current job that I might be getting has a quitting time of 5 pm, the plan was for my mother to watch my kids until I got home. Lord, it looks like I have to find an option B. My mom has to get a job. She's been saying it for years, I know, but I have to take her seriously. But that means more daycare for my son. That means more costs for daycare. That means I am giving up quality time with my kids so I can make....nothing.

It was recommended to me that I request state funding for my son again for childcare. Jesus, you know as well as I that I did not want to go that route. I wanted to do this on my own. And I am ashamed that I can't. It would solve my childcare problems so I will not have to worry, but I'm still being dependent on others. Will I ever be able to grow up?

And Lord, this thing about my ex is really pissing me off. I can say "pissing", right? Lord, though I am grateful that he can't see the kids right now, he is still able to write them letters. He writes things like "to my little man", "be a good boy/girl", "hope you're having fun", "I think about you every day", "I miss you", "love always".... Lord, how dare he! That bastard (yes, I know) didn't give a rat's ass about them when we were married. He proved the same when we divorced. And then, because he had more time with them, he screwed them up, possibly for life. And now that he has lost them, his words say he misses them. But his actions say he doesn't care. He has not paid a dime of child support, he has not attended any of the domestic violence courses he was supposed to take. I don't even think he has a job. He is hiding from the system, though he's on probation, and nobody seems to be able to get him to man up. And truthfully, I don't want him to man up because I want him out of our lives forever. But in the meantime, our children still believe he's something that he's not, and love him for it. And it kills me when I'm the one shelling out the money, cheering them on in soccer games, getting to know their friends, reading to them almost every night, always available for a hug and kiss, teaching them right from wrong, sitting with them while they do their homework, giving my love freely and unconditionally, swallowing my pride so that they can live in a safe home with love and food and electricity, breaking my back to ensure that they have all a child should have, and they still idolize their father who has done none of this. And now I have to give him the information on where they are getting counseling, so that he can check in to see their recovery. He caused this! He is not paying for this! He was even openly resilient to them getting counseling at all, even with the danger he placed them in. And I have stalled in giving him this information because he doesn't deserve this right. And now that the court date is two weeks away, I have to scramble and get him this information when I just don't want to. But our lives are in the hands of the courts, fair or not.

Jesus, I'm not completely blind to the good in my life. I have my kids. They have more than what was offered to them before. They have a chance. I have the opportunity to give my kids a better life, regardless of how I'm doing it. They have a future that is now foreseeable, not just a fantasy. Lord, I am so grateful that I have sole custody and that their father is not here to screw them up anymore. I'm hoping so much that it will remain that way, because I'm scared that the courts will still insist on him being a significant part of their lives. Jesus, I know you see them. They are thriving now! But it's hard to know exactly how to talk with them. Do I shine on about their dad, and let them miss him and think that he was something far greater than he is? Do I tell them the truth, that their dad is a dangerous man, only out for himself? Is is ok to admit to them that their father is not doing what he's supposed to do to see them? Is it ok to be secretly ecstatic about that? Lord, I must be doing something right, for they are learning manners, they are learning respect, they are gaining tools to become good adults. They are, aren't they?

You know what else? I'm grateful for God's blessing of love. I met a wonderful man 7 months ago. And through trial after trial, what with the constant threat of my ex among other things, we've stayed strong and in support of each other. I tell you, Jesus, I don't know how I could keep standing with all this pressure on me if it weren't for him constantly there supporting me. He has been a Godsend for my kids, being a role model they never had in a father figure. He has been a major contributor in teaching my kids the importance of respect and values. And he has taught me as much about the same. I have someone beside me, cheering on my kids in all their accomplishments, something their father never did without expecting glory to himself for doing so. And though my kids are oblivious to this, I see it, and I thank God every day.

Jesus, I admit that lately I have been selfish. Even now, my only concern has been for my predicament. It angers me when I see other people so wrapped up in their problems, creating mountains out of molehills while there is far greater suffering going on in this world, hurting those around them to get back on top. And it has not escaped my attention that in a way, I am doing the same. My main concern has been that I am a single mother, trying to battle demons from a "past life" that I contributed to. Last year at this time, I was planning a trip to New Orleans to help those in the hurricanes. And I promised that this was the start of me giving more of myself to those around me, for I had been blessed so very much. This year, though tons of opportunities surround me with chances to give my time to those who need it, I cannot find the energy to do so. Something so simple as helping a good friend pack up and move to their new house, serving food in the poorest neighborhood in town, spending time with a friend who is still feeling the wounds of being suddenly single, talking with another friend who could really use my guidance from my "past life", I just haven't been. There is so much suffering that is beyond anything I could ever relate to going on in this world, and my focus is on me. Jesus, I openly admit that I have been receiving, and not giving back. I can't find the time, though I know I have it. I'm just so stressed out, and thinking about adding more to what I am already doing stresses me out, and I just can't see my way out of that. I am ashamed of my unwillingness to just change, which adds to that stress. I'm sorry. I don't know how to change this without backsliding in all that's been accomplished in my trials. I want my life to look like yours, I write about it all the time here, the importance of modeling one's life after you with your selfless love and compassion for all. And yet, I don't. In some areas of my life, I have hardened myself. And I believe it is what I am supposed to do to keep moving forward. But I am unsure if that is also your thinking. And I have forgotten those around me, those that could really use some selflessness from me. Would you have turned your back on them so you could further your own life? No, I don't believe you would.

I'm just sad, confused, and guilty. I'm unable to see myself completely out of this. If I didn't have the promise of a new family in a couple years, one with stability involving a house of our own and a husband with a good income, could I eventually earn it on my own? If I didn't have my parents' help financially, could I have earned enough to support my kids on my own? Could I eventually afford my own car, my own apartment/house, pay the bills, feed and clothe us? Could I give myself the education that is needed to make it in this hectic world? I don't think I could. And this saddens me. I am grateful for the support around me, but it saddens me that I could never do it by myself, that I am destined to be dependent on those who love me so much they want to care for me. At times I feel unworthy of such love. But I can also see this love as a present day model of your love. How many times did you give to others without expecting anything in return? And you are still doing so through those around me. I am unworthy, and you tell me I'm not. And yet, I am not putting forth my full potential. I should be studying more for that Real Estate test I keep putting off. I should be working harder and faster on the reports that are put in front of me. I should be filing and straightening the office when there's no work. I should be doing more laundry, cleaning my room more diligently, picking up after myself better. I should be playing catch with my son or creating a masterpiece with my daughter rather than sitting at the computer. I should be picking up the phone and caling a friend or two, just to see how they're doing. I should be giving my time more to those who could really use it. I should be doing, not just saying I should be doing. I want, but I can't seem to put forth what it takes to get it all on my own.

Anyway, I'm not asking for anything here. I just needed to tell you. I know you already know, but I needed to write it outloud to you. I'll talk to you soon.

Love Crissi

Faith and the Blogger

2006-09-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

I am angry over these three posts and their comments: #1, #2, and especially #3. Since receiving so much flack over all I have written, for having long, long comments thrown at me with scripture all over it, as if my blog is a chance to write out a whole sermon, to treat me like I am a sinner for mulling over my faith, I am angry. I am angry because all of these comments show that my blog was not read in its entirety, that what I wrote was mistaken in its interpretation because the reader read snippets and took it for what they THOUGHT it said. I have said nothing sinful in the words, I do not compromise anyone's Christian faith through this entry. I am speaking of sharing Christianity through love, something that I have always written about and have always been passionate about. And for my main point to be totally ignored and for comments to be made about negative points I never even made, for things to be taken out of context and then turned on its ear, for comments made over and over to read the bible as if I don't....

If I am being attacked, and it makes me hate this whole religion thing even more, it just makes me wonder even more about how Christians are MAKING the world HATE Christ for something He isn't. THIS IS MY POINT, AND HAS BEEN FROM THE BEGINNING.

Having these comments all over my blog made me so sad and angry, even hateful, so much that I even considered pulling this blog and leaving my church, disappearing from all things Christian, and just giving up on all of it. My attitude became screw it all, I'm done. I'm sure the authors of those comments believed they were doing a service by "righting my wrongs", that they were giving me hope with their outstretched fingers and personal interpretations of scripture. I'm sure they didn't realize that I am more than a "soul to save", that I am a human being with human feelings and human questions, much like believers and non-believers alike. I felt more alone than ever for my constant pursuit of a life under God, and I felt like a failure because it was being pointed out that I was so. I no longer viewed this blog as my safe place to write my soul into.

But I thought about it, and I decided that I cannot give up. I believe in my faith. I believe in what God keeps placing before me, that He IS placing it in me, for the passion and fire He has stirred up inside me to keep seeking out His truth and not man's truth. He knows my heart. I am in a constant state of seeking His kingdom in everything, even if it means exploring things that scare other Christians.

I once heard one Christian friend say something not so Christian Politically Correct (CPC), and implore me not to say anything lest someone think she's not Christian. Christians are scared to think outside the box, not for fear of what God will think (for I truly believe that God encourages us to question Him, so that we might achieve greater understanding), but for fear of what their Christian friends will think, as if THEY decide what eternity means for others.

As if being Christian means knowing God so well that we can damn for Him.

I refuse to be afraid like that, to even believe that. I am Christian regardless of how I am attaining my wisdom, and regardless of what others think of me. I believe wisdom resides in all corners of the earth, in good and bad, in Christianity and in non-Christian religions. I will continue to explore other religious wisdom to further my way of life under Jesus Christ. And I will continue to write about it with all the passion that keeps exploding in me. This is what I live for, seeking God. And it makes me happy to write about it here.

I was advised to not comment any more on this subject, for it troubled me so immensely and any more words from me would only fuel more fire in a debate I want no part of, and never even expected in the first place. And by typing this here, I do know I am opening up the can of worms again. But these are the last comments I will make on this subject before I move on and continue on my blogging path. I do not have all the answers. I DON'T know it all, nor would I ever claim to. And when so many people seem TO know, it worries me. But I also feel sorry for those that DO know, for the words that come out of their mouths actually prove that they are even more clueless than I am. How can we know it all? How exactly can we stand with firm footing on anything? I don't know, maybe I'm more clueless than I thought. All I know is I have been brutally harassed on my own blog for being honest about not knowing, and for thinking out loud about what might be because it's not popular with common Christian beliefs. It's not CPC, and apparently that is a sin in the eyes of MAN. I think several Christians are sure I'm headed straight for hell, and mostly it's over not knowing for sure and admitting that, and for being restless in CPC beliefs that I cannot share. And sometimes I'm scared because I'm not sure they're wrong, that somehow I must have faith that there is only one truth in this whole world, and by questioning it I am hell-bound. But I cannot be active in something that furthers me away from God, or that poisons the chance for those around me to know God.....
....to me, that would send me hurtling into the pits of hell much faster than questioning and seeking God's wisdom ever could.

How do you pray?

2006-09-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have a question for you. Yes. You. The one at your computer staring at these words. How do you pray? What do you pray about? Are your prayers at certain times of the day, spread out at various times of the day, or are you in constant dialogue with God? Do you pray at all? How do you worship? Do you dance? Do you sing? Do you do anything that you consciously call worship?

I use Christian words here, but I am posing this question to anyone of any faith who is reading this. I genuinely want to know how it is you reach God. So if it's something else you do, what is it? And if you need to, write in anonymously.

Please comment on this entry, even if you just came upon this blog at chance. Peace and blessings to all....

Life of Worship

2006-09-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

When someone dies, especially as unexpected as Albert did, it makes one think. It makes me think.

Walking down the path to church today, the spot where Albert usually stood welcoming churchgoers was absent with his presence. Albert's reason for being the unofficial greeter was that everyone who came to church that day would have contact with at least someone. He knew everyone at that church, and everyone knew him. So his spot was painstakingly void of him. But it wasn't empty. Two teenage boys stood where he usually stood, and took it upon themselves (maybe under the direction of the youth pastor) to greet each and every person who came down that path. Behind them, a bouquet of ballons and some flowers, and a picture of Albert doing what he did best: "Howdy folks!" My eyes welled up with tears on the way down. I swallowed tear after tear in church during worship, still neglecting to hide the ones that streamed down my face. One of the regulars at church took it upon himself to give me a box of kleenex as I wondered how I could do so without making a spectacle of myself. It's a shock, really, though I know that Albert is where he has wanted to be. As the pastor put it, Albert is now on God's welcoming committee. But I'm still sad, and have not been able to be at peace with this since I heard the news on Tuesday.

Albert loved the Lord with all his being. He "felt the beauty of creation was God shouting His love for us". His life as worship was one to be admired, and was not missed. And it's unfortunate that a death of someone so wonderful is what is making me look even more closely at my own life, and how my life is worshipping God.

I could do more. I should do more.

Do I love the Lord? With all my being. Do I show it? I wish I could say that I do. No, I haven't utterly failed. But I have been lazy in my lifeful worship. I cannot say that everything I do is for the Lord. I cannot say that I even worship Him every day. There are so many places in my life that I could put forth more effort, could let HIM shine through. Albert did. There was no question who he lived his life for. Could someone look at my life and say "Oh, she's definitely a child of God"? No.

So, I'm starting over. My life will be my worship to God. Starting.....now.

How well do you know me?

2006-09-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Work is done. I have wisely spent my time creating a quiz for you.

Take My Quiz
- on -
QuizYourFriends.com!

Natala's Words

2006-09-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

Check out Natala's blog on puppetmasters. And if you get a chance, check out the video that goes with it. Her words are put much better than I've apparently been able to put it. And the video she links to is haunting and beautiful.

To see more pictures, click here, and then click on the picture.

Have a blessed day!

How they've changed.....

2006-08-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

I came across some pictures of the kids on their first days of school while looking for a different picture for Summer's school project. It is amazing how much they've grown!!!

Summer through the years....

Summer's first day of 1st grade, 2004
6 years old

2nd grade, 2005
7 years old

3rd grade, 2006
8 years old

Lucas through the years....

Lucas' first day of preschool (1st year), 2004
3 years old
(Oh my gosh, he's just a baby!)

2nd year preschool, 2005
4 years old

Kindergarten! 2006
5 years old

"Welcome, welcome"

2006-08-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

I can still hear Albert's great voice booming in my head, almost as if he was right here saying it to me now, "welcome, welcome". It's what he used to say to each of us as we walked down the path to church. He was the first one anyone saw coming into that great big yellow church, and he made sure that he made contact with everyone.

Albert passed away two nights ago in a motorcycle accident. Church will never be the same again.

Albert had a special place in his heart for young children, and mine were no exception. When we came to the Sunday service, he would make sure we left with the leftovers from that morning's breakfast. I think he worried about us since I was a single mother with two kids. And he made sure we were taken care of. He saw Lucas and the troubles he was going through in losing his dad in his life, and had several kind words of advice or scripture to share with me. He always pressed a piece of candy into each of my kids' hands. And he taught my kids the fine art of "the handshake". Occasionally, I'd lean in for a hug instead, and catch a whiff of the leather jacket he always wore.

Albert was suffering from his divorce and the sudden change in his life. But it never stopped him from greeting people with a smile in his voice. He was a wonderful, wonderful man, and the only reason I can think that God brought him home was because he served his purpose here on earth. At least, that't the way we're supposed to understand it. But it still stings to know that every time I walk down that path to church, there will not be this gruff man with a booming voice saying, "welcome, welcome". It hurts to think of the generations that were suddenly seperated from him: his three daughters and one son and their families, his multitude of grandkids, our church family that considered him our brother.

God bless you, Albert, for you blessed each and every one of us with your presence and your love for humanity and the Lord. We will meet again.

Tangerine

2006-08-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

One day, I offered a number of children a basket filled with tangerines. The basket was passed around, and each child took one tangerine and put it in his or her palm. We each looked at our tangerine, and the children were invited to meditate on its origins. They saw not only the tangerine, but also its mother, the tangerine tree. With some guidance, they began to visualize the blossoms in the sunshine and in the rain. Then they saw petals falling down and tiny green fruit appear. The sunshine and the rain continued, and the tiny tangerine grew. Now someone has picked it, and the tangerine is here. After seeing this, each child was invited to peel the tangerine slowly, noticing the mist and the fragrance of the tangerine, and then bring it up to his or her mouth and have a mindful bite, in full awareness of the texture and taste of the fruit and the juice coming out. We ate slowly like that.

Each time you look at a tangerine, you can see deeply into it. You can see everything in the universe in one tangerine. When you peel it and smell it, its wonderful. You can take your time eating a tangerine and be very happy.
Tangerine meditation
-- Thich Nhat Hanh (From Peace is every step)

What would happen if we slooooowed down? What if we saw this world, and every component of it, as the miracle it all is? After reading this, I couldn't help but revel in the simplistic beauty of the story.

And I dissected it a bit more.

Thich Nat Hanh is a very wise and spiritual man. And he is known for sharing his wisdom with the world. And his wisdom is praised worldwide, in all different religions groups (yes, even Christianity). He is an important man, and I'm sure he is surrounded by other very important people. And in this lesson of wisdom, who are his pupils?

Children.

I found it commendable that Thich Nat Hanh was sitting there with a bunch of children, teaching them something so profound as the miracle of a tangerine. But it goes even deeper than that. Those children represent some of the best pupils in the world, as only a child could truly comprehend the wonderment in that tangerine, understanding the miracle. For only children naturally study all things, slowing down to see the bug make it's way through the lawn, what happens when you throw a paper boat in a stream, how detailed an ant really is. I imagine those children understanding Thich Nat Hanh much better than any adult would in that same conversation, for they "play" that game every day. The world is new and exciting and full of life. And they see it for such, a place to explore and learn about.

How wonderful would it be if we could look at this world like a child, to see the miracle of it, I mean TRULY see it? There is so much we take for granted. There is so much that we hold in place to keep us separate from the world. The thing is, we are all connected.

Take a breath. Now exhale. That breath you just took? It's now traveling into the atmosphere. It is going into other people around you as they inhale. And then they are breathing it out. And so on. That single breath of yours is being broken into a million pieces, mixing up with other people's breath, and going in and out of all humans.

We are all connected.

Smile at someone. What does their face do? They can't help but smile back. And even if they don't, the connection is still there. They see you, they think about you. They are connected to you in that moment.

Run some water in the sink. Put your hand in it. Water does not create itself, it has been around for millions of years, since the beginning of this world. The water you are touching has been touched by someone else, has run through the fingers of another in another time. By famous, or not famous. By ordinary and extraordinary. By holy and evil. By our forefathers and our distant ancestors.

We are all connected.

And then there's the miracle of life. Thich Nat Hanh is quoted as saying, "People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes.

All is a miracle."

Take the tangerine. It was once a seed, taken from a mature tangerine. It was planted in the ground, watered, and cared for. And somewhere in that small seed, God put the ability to change, to grow and become something. And it did. It became a tree. And of that tree, God put the ability to change and grow more, to bear flowers and fruit. All from that tiny seed. And when we open that fruit, it would be mindful of us to see what makes up that fruit. The grocer who placed it on the shelf. The truck driver who shipped it to our area. The farmer who cared for it and aided its growth. The tree that held it as it grew. The flower it was before it changed. The bee that gathered the pollen. The sun, the rain, the air... The seed. And when we open it, we have the opportunity to become mindful of even more as the whole tangerine becomes apparent.

But we tend to just eat it. We may notice the fragrance, the spray of mist as we open it, the taste on our tongue. But then we eat it and forget about it. We miss the miracle in the fruit.

When I hear the word "miracle", so many things come to mind. Turning water into wine. Parting the red sea. Things so huge and so wondrous that they are hard to comprehend. And I go about looking for miracles. "God, if this is the way I'm supposed to go, show me a sign." "God, if you could just change this, take it away, save me!" "If you're really there, prove it."

And all the while, the miracles are right there in front of me. All I'm asking for, and they are there. And they aren't there just for me, or to prove God's existence or his care, or to give glory to God for his creation of a life giving planet. It's all here for US. For all mankind. To use. To care for. To notice the miracle of. To see the fruit for the seed. And whether we praised God or not, whether we noticed the miracle or not, it would still be there just the same. Life. Growth. Suffering.

Our connection.

I am connected to you in this moment. As you read the words on this page, we share a connection. And that, that is a miracle.

Kindergarten

2006-08-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lucas is a big kindergartener!

Yesterday was the first day of school. And my son, Lucas, has been counting down the days until his first day of kindergarten. This is a huge step away from preschool, as most parents know who have 5 year olds. Preschool is a time of innocence and fun, when most of the day is spent in constructive play, but play nonetheless. Kindergarten, there is more structure.

I picked up Lucas yesterday after his first day. He saw me, and asked if he was riding the bus home. I told him no, as the kindergarteners do not get bus rides home. He immediately started to cry. And he found several more things to cry about. We got to the car, buckled up, and he hurt his finger and started to cry. I pulled over, as we were already moving, and opened his door. And I just gave him a huge hug and told him that everything was going to be ok. He was overwhelmed. He ended up falling asleep on the way home.

This morning, he woke up with a smile. "Today's the second day of kindergarten, Mom!" We got dressed, ate breakfast, packed lunches, and went to the bus stop. I met him at school again, as the teacher wants parents to help the kids the first week so they can get settled into a routine. Summer walked him to class, as will be this year's routine, and then went off to her class. Once again, Lucas was a basket-case. He wanted to play, but we had the usual morning routine to get through. After we got the routine done, the second bell rang, and Lucas did not have time to play. He wanted to continue to color when it was time to sit down. He wanted a drink of water. He wanted to play with the Legos. He did not want to cleanup and sit on the floor mat. He cried like his heart was broken. I held him, told him it was going to be ok. I commiserated that it must be hard, with so much responsibility as a big kindergartener. I finally got firm with him and told him that he had to put everything away and sit on the rug, for he needed to follow the school rules. He couldn't find a place on the rug, and was a little frantic, before finally settling in. When I waved goodbye, he hid his head so he couldn't see me.

I felt rotten.

I walked away from his class with dread in my step and my eyes misting up. Here he is, in a class full of strangers and a strange new routine. Yesterday had been so confusing to him: he didn't remember where his cubby was, he accidentally ate his lunch at snack time..... I'm sure that he felt a little lost today. And I felt lost having him in new surroundings, and I felt like I was abandoning him, even if kindergarten is a necessary stage in life. I wanted to protect my baby.

I got almost all the way to my car when I realized that I had forgotten my keys in the classroom. Shoot, he's going to see me walk in there, and start crying all over again. I trekked back over there and quietly opened the door. He saw me, but his focus was on the teacher and what she was doing. She was telling the story of the old lady who swallowed a fly. And he was actively participating by answering questions enthusiastically. I got my keys and headed for the door, spying on him the whole way. When I left, he hardly even noticed my presence. Not out of anger, but out of being too busy with his class.

It was exactly what I needed to be able to leave him with a lighter heart.

I really do believe that certain things happen on purpose, and for a reason, even small ones like forgetting keys. I always put my keys in my pocket. I had plenty of pockets to choose from, and my purse too. Instead, I laid them on the counter and left them. If I hadn't left them, I would have been sorrowful all day because of how I had originally left Lucas. I would have assumed that he would have been miserable all day.

I am still a little misty over Lucas being in such a new place. New places are no fun without someone familiar to hold our hand and let us know that at least one person is on our side. I know that he will probably be a little overwhelmed again today, but the routine will sink into place. I will be helping him every morning this week, beating the bus there and helping him to remember where to put his jacket and backpack, to put his lunch and snack in his cubby, and all the other things that he must do on his own in the morning. But this growth is good for the two of us. And it's survivable.

White

2006-08-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

White.

It's the crispness of a just ironed shirt
     and the smell of the starch that protects it.

It's the sound of wood chimes in the breeze.

It's the color of everything pure.
Everything new.
Everything exposed.

It's you
  protecting me
     while I
        protect myself.

It's this flimsy attempt to
     expose my shame.

It's the disappointment of failure
     and the failure of feeling cherished.
It's me failing you.

It's the transparancy of a heart....

     ....broken....

          ....and emptied.

It is everything
     and it is nothing.

It is scary.

It is my shaking hands
     my trembling legs
          my leaden feet.

It is the life which lays on my sleeve,
     and the guilt that seems to lay with it.

It's the color of my face without...
     ...and the fear of everything with.

White.

It's the promise of tomorrow.
     It's the threat of today.
          It's the escape from yesterday.

It's everything pure.
And everything tarnished.

It's the hurt.
     Hurt I caused.
          Hurt you feel.
Hurt undeserved
     by someone so good.

It's the silence and how
     excrutiatingly loud
          it is.

It's selfless.
It's harsh.
It's empty and loaded.

It's you.
          And it's me.

It's the drama you might conclude from this,
and the harshness with which you might judge me.

It's the knowledge that you will read this
today.
Regardless.
And the fact that you know why it's white
     and nobody else does.

....

It's innocence and innocence lost.

It's the dread
   I feel
     knowing that
       newness
            is no more.

And it's the hope
that the white
     that has been tarnished by white
will still shine as bright
as you were once sure it could.

Good News, Cont.

2006-08-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

If someone is saved, they have suddenly entered a new life with Jesus, and they now use this newfound understanding to tell their neighbor they are going to hell if they too don't come to the same understanding, is that good news?

If someone is saved, and they feel the love of God fill them with every breath, and they use that love to tell a sinner that God HATES their life, is that good news?

If at every turn, the world is seeing Christians as people with fingers pointed, and with condemnation in every message, and in turn the world HATES God for what they are perceiving, is that good news?

Is is good news when more people are rejecting God than accepting Him, and it is because of Christian extremists who are doing anything BUT showing the love and compassion of Jesus through their HATE?

"Not all people who sound religious are really godly. They may refer to me as `Lord,' but they still won't enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The decisive issue is whether they obey my Father in heaven. On judgment day many will tell me, `Lord, Lord, we prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.' But I will reply, `I never knew you. Go away; the things you did were unauthorized.'" Matthew 7:21-23

Is it good news if it imprisons rather than saves?

No.

The Good News cannot be force fed. If it is force fed, the receiver will end up despising it. My way of offering the good news is not through strong words, fire and brimstone, condemnation, pointing out the wrong in beliefs, insistence on changing ways, finding sin in every action of this world. My way of offering the good news is by making sure that my faith is strong, my ways filled with love and gentleness, my light shining bright. I have gotten into more talks about faith, not because I brought it up, but because God was shining through.

I was at odds in my faith for a long time, and certain things did not sit well with me. And it wasn't what was in the bible, it was how the bible was being read. The bible can be perceived many different ways. The bible was written in such a way, with so many metaphors, so that we may study it and apply it to our lives to the best of our understanding. I believe that the bible does not say things plainly. This is so that debate and study are neverending, so that the word is a river rather than a pond. It is easy to find just what you are looking for to make a point. It can be done with good intent, and it can be done as a weapon. And there are many points that have been diluted down and ignored, just like there are many points that have been overemphasized. Is not sin, sin? Dear reader, how many sins have you committed today? Did you kill anyone today? Did you engage in homosexual sex? How about, have you ever cut your hair, tattooed your body, pierced your ears? Have you refrained from cheating on your spouse, but found yourself lusting after another? Have you had any impure thoughts at all? Have you lied? Have you felt hatred towards your boss? Have you judged another, pointed your finger at another and their wrongs like YOU are God in Heaven?

If sin is sin, and Jesus paid the price for those sins so that we may be forgiven and our slates are wiped clean, how about we focus on the love of God? Without a relationship with God, how is forgiveness ever going to be sought? If someone is being told that God HATES the sinner (which is entirely NOT true), why would that person ever come to God on their own? Do we lead people to God through fear, or through love? Would you come running to your own father if you thought he would beat you? Or would it be because you expected to be embraced? Should someone believe in Jesus because they fear hell, or should they come to Jesus because they admire His life and want their life to be like His? Which one do you think God is going to accept? The one who came because they were afraid of what would happen if they didn't, or the one who came because they wanted to?

I have now come to terms with my faith, I am strong in how I believe, and I find that this has brought me closer to God, closer than ever before. I believe everyone's faith is different. Even a Christian can have a completely different walk than the Christian in the seat next to him. Our faith is between us and God. I have belief in Christ. But I see wisdom in every religion. It would be naive to think that Christianity is the only religion that has any bit of wisdom to it. All religions hold a common bond. The underlying message is one of love, of loving God and of loving our neighbor. And even in our religion, we speak of men being gods (Psalm 82:6, Matthew 10:34-38), and of reincarnation (Matthew 17:11-13). And in Matthew 10:34-38, if we are "gods", then doesn't the Father also reside in us and us in Him, and therefore, can't we see the god in everyone? The main point is, religion, all religion, can be linked in some way or another, linking all of us together. And all religion is important for the good of mankind, to keep the world from turning even more on itself. This war of who's right and who's wrong is hurting more than it is helping.

I do not condemn how others perceive their Christianity. I do not condemn the personal relationship between someone and God. That is not for me to get in between. It would be like me entering someone's marriage and telling them HOW to love their spouse. It is not my place. And with all due respect, I do not feel my faith in God is in the danger zone and needs tuning. I am comfortable in my relationship with God, and because of that, I am now eager to keep striving for more in my relationship with God. I am a truth seeker, and my faith is that I am on the right path.

And I also do not claim that sharing of God and Jesus is wrong. There are people out there who are in need of hope, and hope needs to be given to them. It is when some Christian leaders do so with a shove rather than a nudge, that's what I have a problem with. It is when hate and condemnation is the main way of leading people to the Lord. It is when someone does not need, when they make that clear, and they are being told insistently that they DO need. It is when it is not enough to believe, but to believe in the exact same way as another Christian. It is when it is apparent that the only reason we are "loving" is to get someone to God on our terms, and if they don't listen, we throw our hands up and want nothing more to do with them. It is when the need to believe becomes more about man and their ego than it does about God. It's that kind of agenda that promotes distrust, that adds fire to the convictions of those who DON'T believe. I don't think that is the agenda that Jesus had in mind.

I cannot offer a strong fight against those who disagree with me. Faith is a personal thing, and really does not need defending. One who defends their faith to try and get other's to see that they are right, is one who's faith is shaken and needs support that they are "right". My faith is not shaken, and I feel no desire to make others see my way. I couldn't anyways, and I do not pretend to be able to. I share my faith because I am saying something about ME. That is the purpose for this blog. If someone reads this and finds hope in it, I am glad. But I am not sharing my faith with the sole intent to change another's view. In the end, it is only my path that I am responsible for. And that is where my duty lies.

Good News

2006-08-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from Velvet Elvis,by Rob Bell.

Another truth about the church we're embracing is that the gospel is good news, especially for those who don't believe it.

Imagine an average street in an average city in an average country, if there is such a place. Let's imagine Person X lives in a house on this street. Next door is a Hindu, an on the other side is a Muslim. Across the street is an atheist, next door to them is an agnostic, and next door on the other side, someone from Ohio.

Imagine Person X becomes a Christian. Maybe she read something or had friends who inspired her to learn more, or maybe she had an addiction and through a recovery movement she surrendered her life to God. However it came to be, she became a follower of Jesus. Let's say she starts living out Jesus' teachings, actually taking him seriously that she can become a compelling force for good in the world. She is becoming more generous, more compassionate, more forgiving, more loving. Is she becoming a better or worse neighbor? If we are her neighbors, we're thrilled about her new faith. We find ourselves more and more grateful for a neighbor like this. We wish more people would be like this.

Let's make some observations about this street. The good news of Jesus is good news for Person X. It's good news for Person x's neighbors. It's good news for the whole street. It's good news for people who don't believe in Jesus. We have to be really clear about this. The good news for Person X is good news for the whole street. And if it's good news for the whole street, then it's good news for the world.

If the gospel isn't good news for everybody, then it isn't good news for anybody.

And this is because the most powerful things happen when the church surrenders its desire to convert people and convince them to join. It is when the church gives itself away in radical acts of service and compassion, expecting nothing in return, that the way of Jesus is most vividly put on display. To do this, the church must stop thinking primarily in categories of in or out, saved or not, believer or nonbeliever. Besides the fact that these terms are offensive to those who are the "un" and "non", they work against Jesus' teachings about how we are to treat each other. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody (Jesus is actually giving commentary on Torah in his loving your neighbor command, specifically Leviticus 19). We are all created in the image of God, and we are all sacred, valuable creations of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Everybody matters. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone. As the book of James says, "God shows no favoritism" (James 2:1-13). So we don't either.

Oftentimes the Christian community has sent the message that we love people and build relationships in order to convert them to the Christian faith. So there is an agenda. And when there is an agenda, it isn't really love, is it? It's something else. We have to rediscover love, period. Love that loves because it is what Jesus teaches us to do. We have to surrender our agendas. Because some people aren't going to become Christians like us no matter how hard we push. They just aren't. And at some point we have to commit them to God, trusting that God loves them more than we ever could. I obviously love to talk to people about Jesus and my faith. I'll take every opportunity I can get. But I have learned that when I toss out my agenda and simply love as Jesus teaches me to, I often end up learning more about God than I could have imagined.

Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

Taking God away from the world

2006-08-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

"With all due respect to those dear people, my friend, God Almighty does not hear the prayer of a Jew."
--Bailey Smith, a founder of Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition, speaking during a Religious Roundtable briefing in Dallas, Texas, on June 26, 1994

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."
--Ann Coulter, Newspaper Column, September 2001.

"When I, or people like me, are running the country, you'd better flee, because we will find you, we will try you, and we'll execute you. I mean every word of it. I will make it part of my mission to see to it that they are tried and executed."
--Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, speaking of doctors who perform abortions, in an address to the U.S. Taxpayers Alliance, 8/08/95

"I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc. are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status."
--Jerry Falwell, USA Today. Quoted from: The Religious Freedom Coalition.

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers."
--Jerry Falwell

"God Hates Fags!"
--Rev. Fred Phelps

The name of Jesus has been misused enough. I am tired of it. There are people in this country who are being damned to hell by "Christians" for their religions (and judged by how extremists have misused these other religions), for their alternate lifestyles, for anything that is deemed WRONG in "Christian" eyes. As an active follower of Christ (Note: I am no longer comfortable saying Christian, as Christianity has become anything but following the ways of Christ), I wish to speak on behalf of those of us who do NOT hate, and do NOT think everyone who is different than some people's conception of the sinless man is destined for damnation.

It is not Christian to hate people of other faiths, and let no one tell you otherwise. It is not Christian to hate people of other races or nationalities. It is not Christian to hate people for having alternate lifestyles.

Religion has become an evil thing, a way to judge others and not look at self. We are not gods, we have no power to damn. If Jesus were around today, he would NOT be a Christian. Furthermore, God is love. If God is love, shouldn't we be sharing God by loving, rather than evangelizing by pointing out sins and destiny for hell? Can't we take a moment to recognize the similarities between all religions, how culture has molded many of these religions as a way to reach God, so each of us can understand God through a recognizable path? Can't we understand that none of are completely right, and none of us are completely wrong? Can't we understand that by condemning, we are driving people further and further away from God? If we deny someone the chance to know God, we are in fact, damning ourselves.

I am sorry for the hate that the religious group I have identified with most has bestowed on other religions and lifestyles. I am sorry for the condemnation and murders "in the name of God" that has been a part of my religious group's whole history. I am sorry that my religion, like other religions, has claimed to be the only one and true religion, like other people are stupid and naive, and couldn't possibly know anything about God. I believe in Jesus, I want my life to look like his. I believe He sacrificed for the good of MANKIND, and I honor that sacrifice. I breathe in the love that he shared with others, especially the people that had been deemed sinners, and were considered repulsive. Jesus loved on them, he did not damn them. I identify God through Jesus. I also believe there is truth in what others have experienced through their spirituality, even when it differs from my experience.

I believe that extremists have done a wonderful job of turning people against God. God has been misrepresented long enough. God does not hate. No religious group owns the corner market on God, sending everyone else to hell. Those that spew hate at people in hopes of "saving" them, DO NOT KNOW GOD. It is love that saves, it is hate that kills.

"No one has ever seen God; if we love one another,
God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."
1 John 4:12, English Standard Version

High School Reunion

2006-08-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

My 10 year high school reunion is tonight. I've dusted off my feather boa, shined up the sequins on my really short dress, and added another two inches to my heels. But then my daughter said I looked like something from a 90's movie based on the 80's, so I settled on a more demure outfit.

Truth is, I am a bit nervous about this reunion. Why? Well, not for any real good reason. But high school brings up a lot of feelings about judgments placed on others, and while I believe I don't care what anyone thinks, I do. And 10 years is just not enough distance to put in between now and then. And also, I am not exactly where I'd like to be (living situation, job, money), though I am much farther than I was had I still continued in my old life. I've been divorced, while many of my peers are just starting their marriages, and families.

But while those feelings are in me, they are not comsuming me. I AM happy with my life as it is, and where I know I'm leading it. I have a great family, two beautiful kids, a wonderful boyfriend who will be at my side. I have a good career and a promising life ahead of me, and I'm much more sure of myself now then I ever was in high school.

In 10 years, I've gone through so many changes and trials. I am hardly the person I was then, yet I am still the person I was then. I expect the same is true for many of my classmates. We'll see how it goes....

My Dad

2006-08-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

~My Father~

The memory of my father is wrapped up in
white paper, like sandwiches taken for a day at work.

Just as a magician takes towers and rabbits
out of his hat, he drew love from his small body,

and the rivers of his hands
overflowed with good deeds.

~Yehuda Amichai~

~~~

My dad's 60th birthday is in 2 days, and I have been wracking my brain with something to give him to show him just how much he means to me. What do you give the guy who laid his life down for the sake of his family, who has sacrificed all and given all for all of our benefit? I just don't think a Starbucks card says it all.

My dad worked a lot. A lot. And now that it is years later, he tells me how much he regrets that, how much he feels he missed out on in our lives. The thing is, I don't quite remember it that way. First of all, my dad's office was as my grandma's house. So all of us kids would pile into Dad's car and go to Grandma's house with him, and even get to help him paste pictures on his Appraisal reports. When my dad had to travel the county for work, he would take all of us with him. I always loved it, seeing other people's homes that I never would have seen before. My favorite was when he took us to Sonoma. I always looked at it that we got to go to the park and feed the ducks, have a picnic with food from the Sonoma Cheese Factory, and play on the playground. I did not realize that my dad missed us so much that he would drive us to Sonoma where he was working, do his job, then come back to the park to be with us.

On the weekends, my dad took us to the dumps every now and then. I know, the dumps is not exactly the place for fun. But there was something about it. Here's this huge cliff that looks down into a mountain of garbage. It was fascinating! There are seagulls flying all around, garbage everywhere. There's this huge tractor moving things around. I don't remember if it smelled bad, I imagine that it did. It was awesome. It was time with my dad, doing things outside the norm for a daughter.

Then there were the races. My dad took us to Sears Raceway a couple times. We had this van, it was called the "Leisure Van". It was called that because "Leisure Van" was written over a brown stripe on each side. It was pretty retro. I imagine in it's day, it was the next best thing to having an RV. It used to have a sink in it, though I don't remember it ever having running water. And it had plugs in it that we could plug stuff into it, like a radio. It also had a great roof on it with a ladder leading up to it. It was perfect for sitting upon for lounging on (I guess you could say we were "liesuring", to add a Crissi-ism), such as watching races at the racetrack. And if we didn't stand, it barely creaked or dented. My dad would let us all climb on top and watch the races from up there.

There was this one time that our whole family was at my house for some get together. Some of my family live far away, so it was a big deal when all of us could get together. My dad wanted to get a picture of all us cousins. And the sun was fading fast. I wanted to go inside to get a sweater, and my dad wouldn't let me because any minute it would have been too dark to take a good picture. He had all of us stand in a line, from tallest to shortest. And we were instructed to smile. I wouldn't. My dad yelled at me to get a smile on my face or he would give me something to cry about. So I smiled. But right before the picture was taken, I put that frown back on my face to teach him a lesson. Thanks to digital cameras not being invented yet, they didn't discover my frowny face until they had the film developed. Oh man, did I catch hell for that one!

When I got to high school, I was a difficult teenager, to say the least. My dad and I clashed on more than one occasion. Much more than one. But in those years, I also developed an appreciation for coffee. And I began to get up early in the morning to enjoy a good cup with the morning paper. My dad was an early riser, too. This became our time. And some of our best talks came out of this time. It was when we connected in a time when we barely could connect.

Later on, I did the whole move out, move in, move out, move in, etc. game. Each time, my parents welcomed me in. The first time, I came home pregnant. My dad couldn't speak to me for several days. But through time, he let me know how much he loved me, and cared for me. Each time I messed up, his love shone along with his disappointment. I later came to understand that he wasn't so much disappointed in who I was being, but in who I WASN'T being.

There's this scripture (Mt. 14:28-31) that talks about Jesus walking on the water. Peter jumped out of the boat, because he wants to be like Jesus. But his faithlessness causes him to start to sink, and he cries out to Jesus. 'Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"' (Mt. 14:31) Jesus saw his potential. He calls him on his faithlessness, not because Peter failed at the action, but because Peter failed to see his own full potential.

My dad was like this. He knew I was more than how I was living.

This last time I moved back home, I did not ask to come home. I already knew that my dad had done so much for me, because of the mistakes I had brought upon myself. I could not ask him to bail me out one more time. But I was miserable. I was desperately in need. And my dad saw this. And he saw me weakly holding onto my pride. Over coffee one morning, he told me that if I ever needed to come home, to let him know and it would be done. His words were, "Just tell me when the light is green, and we'll go". I called him later that afternoon, and was back home, for good, that same week.

My dad calls me his prodigal daughter (Luke 15:11-32). The story of the prodigal son has become my favorite. I was once lost, and then I was found. And when I came home, rather than hold my sins against me, I was cherished and celebrated. I was loved. During that time, while I mourned my old life and prepared for the new, my dad became my children's surrogate dad. All the things he used to do with me, he now did with my own children. He took them under his wing and loved them as he loved us kids.

My dad has sacrificed for all of us. It means so much to me to know that my dad has dedicated his life so willingly and lovingly for me, for his family, for my family. He has taught me so many life skills in my life, and it has finally sunk in these last two years I have been under his wing. He's always available for a heart to heart. He lives his life according to "what Jesus would do". His life speaks more volume than any church I've ever stepped inside.

So what do you give a man who has given so much? I don't have enough to show my love and appreciation. All I have are my words, given from the heart. So this post is my small way of saying, I love you Dad. You are my example of a true man. It is because of you that I am who I am today.

And alright, I'm throwing in a coffee date, too.

Happy Birthday!

Honey

2006-08-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

"How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
Psalm 119:103

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
Proverbs16:24

"Let's go and see everybody," said Pooh. "Because when you've been walking in the wind for miles, and you suddenly go into somebody's house, and he says, 'Hallo, Pooh, you're just in time for a little smackerel of something,' and you are, then it's what I call a Friendly Day."
Winnie the Pooh

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honey is sweet. It does not spoil. It is pure, with nothing artificial added to make it so sweet.

Imagine if we allowed ourselves to be honey. How would our actions be, our homes look, how would our souls spread?

How would our words sound?

Speaking of which, there's something about the honey of kind words. They put a wind beneath my feet, allowing me to move a little lighter than usual. A welcoming home has this effect. Being welcomed into one's home with open arms and a wide smile, with kind words and warmness, it allows me a "Friendly Day". When compliments are readily given, when efforts are acknowledged, when smiles are abundant, more of what needs to be accomplished is done.

But what about when those kind words are absent? My feet are filled with lead. My attitude sours. What's the point? If my efforts aren't noticed, why bother? I tend to have a "who gives" attitude when all I hear are negativity when it comes to my efforts and what I may have failed to do, or what I am lacking in, or how I'm not giving enough.

By the way, I live with my mother.

One of my favorite scriptures is: "Whatever work you do, do it with all your heart. Do it for the Lord and not for men." Colossians 3:23 This is one scripture I must remember in times like these, when words are not honey and my feet turn to lead. I've used this scripture many times in another lifetime, when the only kind words were from God. And it was my strength. But since then, this scripture has been brushed under the bed and forgotten, along with the mess that awaits me. Now it is time for me to pull it out.

But times like these also are my wisdom. With my daughter, do I encourage her through recognition? Am I praising her, or am I giving her more salt then honey? What of others, how do I treat them? Am I opening myself up to create "home" in that moment? Do I give others a "Friendly Day"?

My goals for the future are to have a home that anyone could stop by without notice, and still be embraced. I want a home that invites others in, that allows others to leave with more than they came with. My hope for now is that I am honey to others, that I may add to other people's souls, filling my own even more as I do. My hope is that my words are more honey than salt, and to be aware of what they are in every instance. My plan is to pay attention, and make sure that my children are encouraged more than they are reprimended.

And now? When words of salt are thrown at me, how do I react? Do I give back honey? No. I don't. And I admit that the salt I throw back can be rocks. And my chores? Unfinished.

I think it's time to start processing that honey of mine, with all my heart.

Musca domestica

2006-08-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I know. I'm sorry. I understand that this blog is directed mainly at people of faith, and not those interested in fly porno. But if I have to see it, so do you.

I have come to the conclusion, again, that kids and closed doors do not mix. There is something inside a child's brain that prohibits them from keeping the doors closed. And when you live in a house that is surrounded by pasture and horses, and the doors are repeatedly left wide open, there is bound to be some unwelcome guests moving in and making themselves quite comfortable. Let's just say that even after years of experiencing this, I am still quite offended when I am attempting to enjoy my morning paper and coffee over two flies "getting it on". And apparently they are into voyeurism, because all their friends and family are flying around, and then they, too, take part in their own little acts of copulation. Some of it is quite violent. All of it is quite disgusting.

I'm sorry, I'm just not that into it. It's not me, it's them. Nothing turns me off more than repeatedly waving my arms around to defend myself while little fly orgies take place on the same area that I eat my breakfast and type up my work. I'm starting to think that outside there are less flies. And there just isn't enough rolled up newspaper to take care of them all.

I tried to employ my daughter into going around the house and sending all the flies to Fly Heaven. It worked for maybe 5 minutes. And then she gave up. I don't think she killed a single fly. And then she went outside and invited 3 more flies in.

The scientific name for a fly is musca domestica. If Summer let 3 more flies enter the house, and each are capable of laying 100 eggs at a time (usually flies lay 500 eggs in a lifetime), and the eggs hatch after ONE DAY, allowing little larvae to come crawling out, and after several molts, the larvae transform into a pupae, and when the metamorphosis is complete, the adult fly emerges from the pupae, and the adult fly tends to live about a month to a month and a half, and then it mates with multiple partners, thus creating more and more eggs, how many flies will you have drinking your morning coffee when YOU aren't? Mucho musca domestica. Furthermore, if flies are capable of carrying 100 pathogens, such as typhoid, cholera, salmonella, bacillary dysentery, tuberculosis, anthrax ophthalmia, and parasitic worms, and they taste their food by rapidly throwing up and then sucking it back in ON TOP of whatever food they are tasting, how many of these pathogens are you possibly drinking in when you sip off your coffee again? Plentious illness raunchiness.

I really, really, really hate flies.

Lazy Sunday

2006-08-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

What I'm supposed to be doing....

What I'm really doing....

What I wish I were doing....

Danger

2006-08-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Did you know that when a crow sees danger, it will let out three consecutive "caws" to warn other birds? I remembered this little bit of trivia when I was taking a break from work to enjoy the newspaper on my back patio. A crow let out its call, three caws, at a startlingly loud volume. I looked up, trying to see if I could see where it was, and if I could see what it was warning about. I saw neither. But it got me thinking. What if there are things in our lives that are calling out DANGER to us, and we are ignoring the call? And of course, I saw a good blog entry out of it....

Lazy worship. This is my danger call. Do I thank God enough? Do I do enough for His creation, giving back all I've recieved? No. Not even close to my capability. Sure, I have the argument that I am a nice person and all. Being nice is a way to show God. But it's been awhile since I stepped out of my comfort zone. I do not count my blessings nearly enough, and have been known to lately lament over what I need vs. what I have.

Danger. My faith is much more than it's ever been, but it's also the most comfortable it's ever been. That spells danger to me. Reaching God is a never-ending process of reach, and here I am, poised on step #3 of a million step staircase. "I think this is far enough." Never! I'm happy with where this staircase is heading, but there is so much more to learn, to strive for, to gain wisdom that I want to enlighten myself with, and those around me.

Is your faith in danger zone? Are you comfortable in your spirituality? Have you reached as far as you think you can? This is your danger call. Take it and keep moving.

Despair

2006-08-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Sometime life is unfair.

Suffering seems to be all around.

I look at this world, and sometimes I wonder what the point of all of it is. Sometimes it's easier to tune out the world's suffering. Sometimes it's easier to focus on what's right in front of us, and forget all the rest of the world. There's war going on all over the world. There's a comic strip in the newspaper that is joking about advertising the wars as WW III. It's point is, isn't that what's going on anyways? The not so funny truth to it is, yes. And it's easy to just say, yeah, a war is going on. It's hard to think of all the suffering that's going on because of it. There are families that are too poor to get out of harm's way, and are probably going to die because of that. There are families that are suddenly being ripped apart by death for the sins of those in charge. It's heartbreaking.

Close to home, there's more war. I went to our county's fair last night. I was dismayed at what I saw, and am willing to skip the fair from here on out. By 5 pm, the fair was crawling with people who were up to no good. My kids and I were standing in line for the Ferris Wheel when two dipshits broke through the line, swinging punches at each other with no regard for those around them. They physically shoved their way through the line, not caring if anyone was hurt in the process. And in the process, they ran over an innocent toddler who was standing in line, and she fell to the ground right in the danger of their fight. I grabbed my two kids close to me as her parents ran to save her. And still these guys continued to fight while their "posse" surrounded them to see the "excitement". The rest of us backed way up to get out of the way, in case anything more stupid were to happen, such as weapons being pulled. I yelled out that their were kids around. I was fuming. How could a human being be so callous as to be unaware of those around him? The funny thing is, I got such a rage in me that I wanted to get in that fight and do some damage to them for putting all of us in danger, and endangering our children. The mama bear came out in me, but I held her back. And afterwards, I was left with this sense of hopelessness of where the world is heading if it is consumed by these gangs and people who idolize them.

Even closer to home....

This morning a mother deer was seen on our street, limping on three legs while she dragged her fourth (front) leg. Her fawn trotted alongside her. The deer had been hit by a car, and was suffering. The saddest part was her fawn, who no doubt would be raising itself in a matter of days. The deer limped her way to the fig tree behind our house to finally rest, her fawn ever at her side. And we stood by helpless. A call to Animal Rescue let us know that the best course was to leave the deer alone, and let nature take its course. Basically that meant that the deer would die, and the fawn, during the last few days, would get a head start on learning how to care for itself. A call to Animal Control brought them out here to put her out of her suffering before that could even take place. And all us bystanders can do is hope that this little deer is an old enough fawn to have already received the skills to care for itself.

And over a deer and its baby, I felt extreme sadness, a sum up of all I've been feeling over the unfairness of life at times.

Unfortunately, such is life. It's not meant to be fair. It's not like that news makes it any better. But it's the truth. But the unfairness of life also gives us strength. With my own personal struggles, I know I have gained strength. That fawn, he will learn how to care for himself, early, yes, but nonetheless, he has no choice. Suffering helps us to cope with life. To make do for ourselves. To right the wrongs that we can, and cope with those that we can't.

I do not have the answers for all suffering. Nobody here on earth does. I do not know the "greater good" for the war, whether gang or world. I am pissed off that this is how people choose to "solve" their problems. I do know that what we witnessed at the fair gave me a great opportunity to talk to the kids about the stupidity of these "men", and how much danger they put others around them in. But I also know that I'd rather have this conversation with them without the visual example.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson says: "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." God knows. It doesn't change the despair I feel over the destruction of this world. But it gives me a glimmer of hope to know that someone is in charge, and knows WHY. It gives me relief that it is not my duty to worry myself senseless about the state of the world, that someone else is handling it. The only thing I can do is worry about me, be Jesus' example, live my life according to how I want to see the world. Share my hope and love. Spread God through my life. Understand that the world is one circle of life, a life-death-life cycle that will continue to the end of days. All I can do is love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind, and love my neighbor as myself. (Luke 10:27) The rest? God's in charge.

Praise for Surfing with Christ

2006-07-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend in San Diego was so great. And I have so many things to praise God for about it. But the one thing I want to praise God for today is Walking On Water Surf Camp. That's right, kids learning about Christ while surfing, and through surfing. I love it!

I was reading San Diego's Union Tribune, and on Saturday they featured this particular surf camp. And I was amazed! This is defnitely how I envison my kids getting passionate for Christ, through their interests, showing them that God is integrated in everything they do. And surfing is one of those things where it is you and the water. How cool is that to show a kid/teen that God is all around us, and for them to experience Him so fully in these serene and awesome times?

The thing about San Diego is that the kids are wholesome. Seriously wholesome. And I was noticing this all weekend. I saw God in everything and in everyone. And reading about this camp was the icing on the cake.

Anyway, the article speaks for itself, so I won't say much more. Today I am praising God for cool ways to share passion for Christ!

Praise for Perfect Beaches

2006-07-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

Praise God for San Diego! This evening, the kids and I, and my boyfriend and his son, will make our long, long way (driving style) for the sunny coastline of San Diego to enjoy some good, old-fashioned lounging and relaxing in the sun. My sister lives down there, as does some of his family, so we will be catching up on their lives and mooching off them for living space for two+ nights. We will be there until Sunday, when we attempt to strip ourselves away from the perfect beaches and downtime.

Praise for Love and Companionship

2006-07-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone special in my life. Someone I can laugh with, relate with, share with. Someone who shares my values for life. Someone who knows how to listen, who knows how to hold me in the kindest and most satisfying of embraces, who knows that a good and gentle hairwash can take away the blues. God has blessed me with someone who cares for me, through and through, in a way I've never experienced. Someone who has accepted me just as I am, and would never dream of changing me or confining me. Someone who allows me, encourages me, to blossom and grow.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone who has the same corny and sarcastic humor. Someone I can be serious with, read the newspaper with, share the same political frustrations with. Someone who I can talk with candidly about God and life and what it all means, even though our paths appear to be different. God has shown me that in fact, our paths are very much the same, and our destination is identical. God has blessed me with someone who knows how to take part in a healthy disagreement, who will never allow us to cross unhealthy lines, and who will work with me to resolve the issue. God has blessed me with someone who takes his career very seriously, who knows how to provide for a family. Someone who has embraced my family into his life wholeheartedly. Someone who just works harder and changes his goals to allow us to continue to be in his life.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with someone who constantly amazes me with all he is capable of, and amazes me with all he's about. Someone who can kick a soccer ball like Pele, move with grace from years of yoga, have immense strength and a gentle touch. Someone with the most mesmorizing eyes I have ever seen. Someone who is unafraid to teach my kids values and support me in parenting my kids and his child, side by side. God has blessed me with someone who is loyal, who is head over heels for me, someone who I've grown so deeply close to. Someone who loves me with his whole being, without fear or reservation. Someone I can trust, so much that I love him the same way. Someone I am completely comfortable around. Someone who is different from me, yet so completely similar.

God has blessed me. He has blessed me with love. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life "alone". Sure, I wanted companionship. But I was accepting of the fact that I might be on my own for the rest of my life. It was in that moment, when I stopped seeking, when I realized that my own company and that of my friends and family was satisfying enough, that He placed this man in my life. Over the last two years of not being a part of a relationship, He prepared me for this man. And when He saw I was ready, we met. And life has been a wonderful whirlwind ever since.

God has blessed me. And I praise Him for it.

Sadness

2006-07-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

The rain is coming.
Though the sun shines,
The sky is blue,
The summer is here in all its glory.
It is all unseen.
For in my heart, the rain is already here.
It beats on my heart.
It beats on my soul.
And I'm afraid to start crying
for I fear that I may never stop.
Turmoil rips at me.
And it seems so unfounded.
All should be well.
All should be serene.
But the rain is coming.
The rain is already here.
And I cannot stop it from
     torrenting.
          Drowning.
               Soaking.
                    Owning.
Life is full of unfairness.
Life is full of misunderstanding.
Life is full of disappointment.
Life is imperfect.
The rain is coming.
The rain is already here.
And I dreaded its arrival.
But I am relieved at its appearance.
I am greatful when it appears.
For when the rain is already here,
it will stop when it's
     run its course.
And when it is over...
                                        ....It's over.
And the sun comes out.
And sadness dries up with
     the sun
          that never left in the first place.

Praise for Clarity

2006-07-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

It could have been written by me.....

The decisions and steps I've been taking have been extremely uncomfortable for me. But the clarity I am gaining is astounding. My strength is slowly building. The difficult decisions I've been making over the past few months suddenly are seeming less difficult. And I'm seeing the future result on the horizon, where before it was too far away to comprehend. It's all making sense now. And it's starting to get easier to stand firm and start only taking steps forward, rather than two steps up and one step back.

Yes Lord, I'm going to be ok.

Praise for Falling.....

2006-07-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
--e.e. cummings

Lord, I praise you for the delicious feeling of falling and being in love, and for being loved in return so wonderfully. For my little piece of Heaven, I praise you.

Praise for Blogging

2006-07-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Child in Faith"

Today I went through all my past blogs. I read or skimmed every single one. And it helped me in some issues I am facing right now. I received some answers for some things I've been questioning. And not only that, I saw how far I have come in my life, as well as how much I still need to learn. I was ashamed to have read some of the things I overlooked, and the things I am almost overlooking now. I am in a serious struggle right now, and if I'm not careful I could foul things up. For once in my life I am standing my ground. You know what? It is very uncomfortable. It is very unlike me. And I am so tempted to cave in and lay down, making all I have achieved....fail. Reading the past blogs put those answers in me, letting me know to keep on going, that I am not making mistakes. I will not question my actions any longer. I will not fear that what I am doing is going against Jesus' teachings. I have been going around in circles, not knowing my right from my left, not knowing if I was lost or on the right track. I question no longer. I will go forward.

Today I praise God that I live my life outloud, that the words He has given me had future purpose, that my past self helped my present self in my struggles.

Praise for the Never-ending

2006-07-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night, George and I were talking outside underneath the night sky. Because of the moon and the porch light, our view of the night sky was limited, though still impressive. And it became clear just how small we are as humans, how small our planet is, and how large our universe is. How big? Never-ending. We are but one galaxy in this universe. We do not know if there are other earths out there, what their sizes are, if there is another galaxy where life forms exist. We do not know how many galaxies there are, though it's been calculated to be roughly 125 billion, 3,000 of them viewable by telescope. Is there other life out there? Are we but one earth of many in a never-ending universe that hosts something like 125 BILLION galaxies? Are we the only one? When thought about, that is hard to wrap your mind around. This universe keeps going. There's no wall, no edge, nothing. So me, at 5'4", I'm but an atom. I find this all fascinating. And as I stared up at those tiny specks of light that were scattered across the sky, they took on new meaning and appearance.

There are many things that are never-ending. Our minds, for example. There is no end to what we can learn, and we are learning until the day we die. The size of our brain does not matter, it's capablility does. Numbers are another never-ending. The amount of stories we can tell, love we can give, the size of our souls. God is never-ending. And us? Our lives here on earth are numbered, but our spiritual existance is never-ending.

This whole thought is wonderful and fearful at the same time. I do hope that when it is my time, I will get the chance to see the universe as it is. I cannot even fathom the reality right now. As I try, I feel just so small, and dizzy from wondering what's out there. That's a lot of space to fill up....

I praise God for all He's created, how mighty He is, and that He's the one in charge. And while I'm small, I praise God that he can be small too. I'm small, I'm not insignificant. For that, I praise God.

(Saturday)Praise for Kid Kisses

2006-07-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I was at my boyfriend's house, getting ready for church. And I applied my make-up in the process, including my lip gloss. And on my way out the door, I tapped my cheek for my boyfriend to give me a cheek peck so that I wouldn't smudge my make-up. And he complied. And then I did the same for his son, who sat in his lap. And without hesitation, this precious 4 year old, the same one who isn't big on cuddles and other signs of affection unless on his own terms, reached his lips up and gave me a soft kiss right on my cheek. I swear, I think my cheek was warm for the rest of the day.

Praise for Memories

2006-07-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

My dad and me doing our favorite past-time
My dad's 60th birthday is coming up, and it's been my job for quite some time to make up the invitation. And since today was the deadline, naturally I started it today. So, I'm going through all the photo albums, and through my dad's desk where he holds some old unseen photos. And I got lost in these photos. I must have spent three hours putting the flyer together, and half of that was just going through the photo albums.

My dad leading me on our old horse, "Pumkin".
I had a great childhood. Contrary to what I believed as a teenager, I had it great. My parents took us to Disneyland, up to the snow, to the beach. We lived at a house that had a huge backyard, and I cannot remember a time when we did not have a horse or two dogs. Looking back at these photos reminded me of how close (well, sometimes) my sisters and I were. It reminded me of the old days when life was simple. It made me happy.

At Knott's Berry Farm: Me, my sister Melissa, my sister Heather, and of course, my dad.
So tonight I praise God for memories, happy memories. I praise God for this opportunity I had today to recall my childhood, to see my parents as younger and less sure of themselves, and to be able to be a virtual witness to a time when things were simpler.

Praise for Questions

2006-07-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

Today (yesteday) I praise God that I do not have to hold my beliefs in a neat little box. I praise God that when we call ourselves Christian, that it can mean so many different things, and that's ok. I worried for awhile, because my faith looked very different from my friends of the same church. I worried that I really wasn't Christian, and that's all I've ever known myself to be. At times I still wonder if I can truly call myself a follower of Christ. My faith is so messy, so all over the place. But God allows us that room to interpret Him and His word so many different ways. We have had our faith passed down through so many men and in so many different ways, that our beliefs could not possibly be perfect. God will not hold that against us. He asks us to honor Him, to serve Him. We can try our best to get closest to the TRUTH, but it is not until we stand in His presence in the next life that we will know the ins and outs of what IS, what WAS, and what IT ALL MEANS. And for that, for nothing in this life being forced to be concrete, for being able to have doubts, questions, wonderment, and not have it held against us, I praise God.

Praise for Freedom and Strength

2006-07-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

Freedom. What is it? It is the ability to choose according to self. It is the ability to move without force. It is the ability to think and speak truthfully without fear. It is the ability to be. Just be. And not be inhibited by another.

There was a time when freedom was a foreign word. I was a woman in chains. And today I praise God twice over, for my freedom, and for my newfound strength.

Years of abuse, and I finally made the move to pack up my children and leave. It was not that simple. Though my actions could have made me a free woman, my heart and mind did not. Remnants of the past haunted me, kept me tied. Some days I would praise God for saving me from a life that would surely kill me. Some days I would curse God for taking away all I felt I knew anymore. I was lost. I was a shell. I was dead.

Over the last two years, I have been regaining my freedom. I have realized that I am not an owned woman. I am myself. And I am in charge of myself. The guilt I would feel for feeling certain things, or doing certain things started to subside when I was able to convince my mind of the truth. He did not own me. Anger took its place when I realized he really never did. At least, he did not have that right, and I had believed he did.

Fast forward to today. I am a new person. I am me. And I like me. But I still hold some ghosts of the past. And now I am taking the necessary measures to be free of the past forever. And it's not comfortable, though the thoughts of the resulted future, free from a tyrant, keep me going full force. And I am realizing that it is time to stop worrying about others before myself and my family, when myself and my family should be my BIGGEST concern.

In the Bible, the story of Noah's Ark is told. And we all remember the story we were told as children. Animals were brought to the boat in pairs. The boat was sealed shut with the animals, Noah, his family and their families. Together they floated on a never-ending ocean of flood for 40 days and 40 nights. When it had stopped raining for a while, they sent out a dove who finally found land. Then God sent a rainbow to the earth as a promise of never flooding the earth again.

Beautiful story.

As a child, I remember thinking how horrible and boring it must have been to be cooped up that long. I wondered how the animals behaved themselves, even how they went the bathroom. How did Noah's family eat, and how did Noah keep the animals from eating each other? My thoughts were with Noah, the Ark, and all its inhabitants, through their journey to their freedom when new land was discovered when the dove did not return.

But what of the rest of the world?

The story is told a little differently when you think of it in the outsiders' position. What of these people, the same who had mocked him? They drowned to death. How did Noah feel when he heard the cries outside, the pleading to let them in? How did he feel as he heard them suffer and die? Did it haunt him? How could he let them all suffer that way while he and his family were safe from harm? Why did he not open the Ark and let in as many people as he could?

He couldn't. This was God's command. Imagine if he had opened the Ark, disobeying God. The boat would be swarmed. Crime would fill the boat, possibly through murder, rape, slaughter of animals. The very thing that God was washing away would still remain after the flood. And God's will would be undone. No, when we hear the story of Noah's Ark, we concern ourselves with the will of God, and what the result was. And it is understood why the outsiders were left behind, for we get to see the end result.

This has become my realization in my own life. I must forget the outsiders' plight. I must save myself so I can save my family for the better good, keeping my children safe from the very harm I escaped two years ago. I must make sure that my life will not be repeated through them, and that the very lifestyle I am protecting them from is not deemed normal. These are my only concerns through my freedom that I am becoming more and more acquainted with every day. If I try to save the outsiders, I will end up drowning as they pull me under. So I am moving ever forward, toward a future I long for with no hint of the past, and I will not look back any longer. My words are not meek. My actions are with purpose, my heart in the right place, my mind more sound than ever. In this, I praise God for my newfound strength, what He gave me when I realized the fullness of my freedom.

Praise for Home

2006-07-10T11:08:00.000-07:00


            "People say she's crazy
            She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
            Well that's one way to lose these
            Walking blues
            She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes...."

This morning I was driving home after I dropped Lucas off at preschool. I was listening to Paul Simon's "Graceland", having grabbed the CD on a whim before I had left to drop him off. And this song was playing, my favorite on the album. And as I sat at the corner of Farmer's Lane and where HWY 12 dumps the freeway traffic, I noticed a woman walking down the side of the freeway. She was dressed in a cotton dress, her hair pulled up in a twist at the nape of her neck, her earrings medium sized balls dangling low, a purse slung over her shoulder. She was older, maybe late 60's, early 70's. And I thought it odd that she was walking down the freeway. I wondered if she had run out of gas or something. She was shielding her eyes from the sun with a piece of paper. And when she reached the bottom of the freeway exit, she turned around and rested against a lamppost, holding the sign in front of her, along with money that she counted and recounted. And I realized with surprise that this woman was begging. She looked clean, like she cared about her appearance, and I realized the stereotype I hold in me about certain people. Because she looked so normal, it seemed odd that she was there at this major intersection, counting her money and begging for more.

The sight of this woman made me think about my comforts once again, one that I thank the Lord for time and time again. I was driving on my way HOME. Home. What a wonderful word that is! When I hear the word HOME, I think of someplace warm, where love is abundant. Home can be many places, it doesn't mean just a house. And I have several places I can call HOME. And for that I am eternally greatful.

Today I praise God for my home, for the love and comfort I have in my life. The Lord has blessed me so immensely that I cannot praise Him enough for this. I pray for that woman, that maybe she does have a place that she can call HOME, and for anyone else stuck on a corner with an outstretched hand, and even those that appear to have diamonds on the soles of their shoes.

More Praise for Camp

2006-07-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

"This is a strange and wonderful place." It's what's written on our camp's cupboard in one of the buildings, and the words rang through my head all week long. They seemed to sum it up perfectly. There's something about camp. You get there, and the dust overwhelms you. You get eaten alive by mosquitos that will only leave you alone after you smell like a saturated pine cone, and biting flies that will eat you no matter what. If you have allergies (and I do), your face will feel like it will fall off by the third day. You hike down a hill to get somewhere. You hike back up the hill to get back. You have to wait in line for a shower, and you're not gauranteed hot water. The dining hall smells not so faintly of sour milk. The salad is served lunch and dinner, and looks slightly brown by the 7th day. And I think I'll be fine if I don't eat red jello until next year. We go to bed late and wake up way too early, and are completely sleep deprived by the end of camp. The pool is ice cold and crowded, and my feet are torn up from the rough bottom, not to mention the blisters from all that hiking.... And still, I come back every year.

There's something about camp. Geeks are suddenly the cool kids. The cool kids are suddenly not so critical, and are jumping and singing with everyone else. Everyone is equal, and fully themselves. Everyone is comfortable in their skin. Friendships are made that seem closer than any other friendship ever felt. Everything is funny, happy, surreal.... It is not uncommon to hear someone singing songs about bazooka bubble gum or swimming holes, or even odes to their dirty black socks. The stars are brighter at camp, and sleeping on planks under them is magical. Crafts such as making pillows or wind chimes never sounded more appealing. Campfire every night was hilarious, from "Safety Court", a mock court improv that targeted those who broke the safety rules, to another chaperone's and my "clean camp" competition. This year the campfire burned bigger and brighter than ever, partly thanks to the expertise of one of our staff, but I think because the spirit was alive and jumping to the music with us.

As the teens' Adult Advisor, I got to get to know them pretty well, and some extremely close. I was confided in, trusted even though I was an "adult". There were nights that I got so little sleep just because the camp spirit was there, creating lasting friendship bonds that I will treasure always. I had the best week this year at camp, even though I had worked harder than any year there. On one of the nights, I got to get to know two of my staffers better than ever. And while I was still the adult and they were still teenagers, a bridge was formed that forgot that temporarily. The conversation will stay with me forever, "between us and the trees", and it meant so much to realize that not only could bonds form between the teens, but with us chaperones as well. I have watched this staff for the past three years, watched them grow from kids to responsible teens. They ran the camp, working hard to make up for the shorthanded staff. And it was the best camp we ever had. And it is bittersweet to end the camp week, for I know that next year I will not see several of them, including some that promise they'll come back. Plans change, their lives a neverending swirl as they prepare for college, get wrapped up in there love lives, move away, change their minds..... And I'll miss them terribly.

I cannot put words to camp and do it justice. All I know is, this morning before I left, I sat down in "Woody's Circle", an area where we held our opening and closing ceremonies, and just took in all I was about to leave behind until next year. The benches surrounding it were empty, but for a moment I saw laughing campers filling each seat. I saw our teen staff in front, the ones who worked all week long to make sure a bunch of kids were happy and taken care of. Camp songs echoed in my ears, as if the camp spirit surrounded me and enveloped me like a ghost. I saw the beautiful trees, heard the gurgling creek, breathed in the forest air. I believe that there are certain places that are our heavens on earth, and this is one of mine....

Praise for camp, and more

2006-06-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

I will be gone at camp from Saturday to Saturday, July 1st through July 8th. This year I am the adult advisor, as the teen staff chose me to be their leader this year. I am so honored about this, since I have been going to this camp since I was a young teenager myself. Now I'm on the grown up side, and it's still loads of fun.

Needless to say, I will not be blogging this next week. I will try to catch up on praises when I get back, but I might not. Hey, just being truthful!

But today I have several praises to help out.

First off, I praise God for camp, as I'm really excited. It's going to be loads of fun for a whole week. No work, no traffic, nothing but good fun in the sun while pretending to be in charge of the kids. :-) It's basically a week long vacation for us adults!

Second, I praise God for electricity. We had ours turned off (a scheduled power outage due to work on the lines) from 9 am to 3 pm. At first, I was thrilled, since this meant that today I didn't work. I had crammed yesterday, making sure my report was out on time so I could take today off. And I looked forward to all the plans I made today for goofing off. Unfortunately, we are on well water, and our pump went out too. No flushing toilets, no water to brush our teeth, I couldn't even shower.

Third, I praise God for running water. See above.

Fourth, I praise God for my paycheck, as I got new clothes today. Yeah, I know, a little bit of a materialistic praise. But my wardrobe has been lacking, and I really needed more shorts and stuff. Let's just say, I'm going to have a really CUTE camp week!

Fifth, and final, I praise God for all the help I am receiving this week with Lucas, my son. I'm always nervous around this time because I have to leave Lucas behind. It's nervewracking knowing that I'm not the one making sure that Lucas' schedule is being handled. But thanks to my dad, my sister, and my boyfriend, Lucas will be very well taken care of, and will have loads of fun this week. I am so very greatful for all of them! But I will miss him tons.

Ok, I'm good up to Tuesday on my praises. Write y'all when I get back!

Praise for Smiles

2006-06-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

Praise God for today, for everything that is making me smile! These days I have so much to be greatful for, so much to give praise for. I woke up this morning with a smile. As I drove my son to preschool, I thought about what I wanted to praise God for in my blog, and smiles came to mind. I'm in such a good mood today, that I want to share all that is making me smile, just today alone.

SMILE!

For the memory of a lingering kiss. Being in love, and being loved, makes me smile.
For the Dave Matthews CD "Crash", especially the 5th and 6th song. The way those two songs merge into one, that makes me smile.
Waking up early before anyone else. The morning makes me smile.
Enjoying a perfect cup of coffee with soy milk. Mmmmm!
Finally being one and at peace in my beliefs and faith in God. Having no conflict inside of me, and feeling this close to God gives me reason to smile.
40 Days of Praise makes me smile!
My friend Kristie, who is on a mission trip to Cambodia. Her courage and selflessness make me smile. See her pictures HERE. To read about it, CLICK HERE.
Knowing that camp is two days away makes me smile.
Big morning hugs from my kids. :-)
My new layout here on my blog. I really like the way it looks, with all the blues and ocean, it makes me smile.
Slumber parties make me smile.
All my future life plans that are in the works make me smile.
When my mom talks to the chirping bird outside stealing our cat's cat food, telling it to cut it out as if it understands, that makes me smile.
My daughter mimicking me by drinking tea every day makes me smile.
Another work week filled with lots of orders (i.e. more hours=bigger paycheck) makes me smile.
My friends, and being able to hang out with them, make me smile.
Another promise of a beautiful day makes me smile.

Thank you God for all this happiness you've placed in my life! Thank you for all the reasons I have to smile. I praise you for such a beautiful, universal way to show happiness.

Praise for COFFEE!!!

2006-06-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

I know Danielle has already done it, but praise God for COFFEE!!!

When I was about 14 or so, my dad and my aunt started their own coffee shop up in the mountains, in Calavaras County. When I'd come up to visit, I was put behind the counter. I learned really quick how to froth milk perfectly, make a great mocha, and earned a love for vanilla lattes. I was also a terrible barista, as more than once I snuck a thumb in the coffee to make sure it got warm enough. The biggest thing I came away with was a newfound love for coffee.

There is nothing better (according to me) than getting a strong Americano in my favorite local coffee shop, and sitting in solitude while listening to some good music. When I was newly divorced, I didn't really know what to do with myself. But I knew that I needed to get myself out of the house when I could, or else I'd regret it. So I'd go to the coffee shop. And I'd bring a book or a newspaper. But I'd use that as my cover up of watching people, or just enjoying being alone. Going to the coffee shop became, and still is, my idea of a perfect afternoon or evening.

I am now a coffee snob! My grounds come from beans, and I grind them every morning. My favorite kind of coffee to make at home is Sumatra, and I love using a french press to make the perfect cup. Oh, here's a good recipe for french press coffee:
Grind up the beans with a pinch of chile powder, coarse black pepper, and cinnamon. Put it in the french press and let steep with hot water for 5 minutes. Enjoy! I tell you, delicious!

So yes, I praise God for coffee, for morning coffee, afternoon coffee, coffee made just right from the perfect bean. And if you ever want to bring me a cup, I take a bold cup with half and half or soy milk. Thank you!

Praise for All I Take For Granted

2006-06-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

There are so many people in this world that are without. Things that I take for granted, such as the toothpaste I brush my teeth with, the hot water I bathe in, the clothes (even the unstylish ones) I wear everyday, the clean water I drink, being able to leave my house without fearing for my life, the fact that I have all my limbs, that my kids get to go to school safely, that my kids are healthy and well fed....there are people out there who do not get such luxuries, and cannot fathom the thought of taking such things for granted.

I praise God that my privileged life is now normal to me that I DO take it for granted at times. There was a time when I wasn't so privileged, that to see me now would see me as rich (and I'm not, by any means). There was a time when the choice for dinner was a peanut butter sandwich or top raman with corn. That's it. To turn on the light meant to make sure the microwave and the toaster were not plugged in. New clothes? Try Salvation Army...and THAT was a luxury if I could afford even that, especially if I scored on something that fit nicely. For the luxury of a morning newspaper, I'd turn over the couch cushions for change. No nice shampoos, sometimes we ran out of toilet paper, we used the same toothbrush for 6 months, I couldn't wash clothes as much as I needed to, utilities were being turned off and notice was given publicly as it was taped to our front door, our car was towed away for failure to pay, we skipped birthday parties because we couldn't afford a present for the child, we had to tell our kids over and over again that we didn't have the money, Christmas was basically donated to us one year or we would have had nothing.... We did not invite anyone over to our house, for it was an embarrassment. We lived in a poor mentality of never thinking that things could be better...and never thinking we could MAKE it better. It was all humiliating. It all became normal.

I praise God that I do not live in poverty any longer, and never will again. I praise God that I do not need to submit income statements to the county, use food stamps at the store, count pennies to make a quarter, hide in a home darkened by shuttered curtains and no electricity. I praise God that THIS life, a life of happiness and comfort, is now normal. I praise God that my former life was brief, and mostly forgotten. And I praise God that some of it will never be forgotten, lest I take this life completely for granted.

Praise God for Agape Love

2006-06-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

There are four different types of love. Philios Love is the first of the four loves. It is a human love that is very selfish in nature. Stemming from man's innate desire to be accepted and loved, it is selfish in nature and expects reward in loving the beloved. Storge Love, the second of the four, is more of a maternal type of love. It too, is a human type of love. Though less selfish than Philios, it expects reward for loving the beloved as well. It is a more solid type of love, being instinctual in nature, but nonetheless, it must be "rewarded" to keep on loving. And, finally, there is Eros Love, another human type of love. It was named after Eros, or Cupid, from Greek Mythology. This is more of a physical type of love, yet it can also be nonphysical in nature. It too, is very self serving, and expects reward for loving. It is the love that is most often abused and misused, and confused for "love" when in fact, it is not "love" at all, but lust. Eros, as well as Philios and Storge, can be very beautiful loves. A close friendship, a bonding between parent and child, or lover and beloved, and a sexual union of man and woman as One Body.

All three of the above named loves are human in nature, meaning that they do not "need" God to exist. They do exist on their own, either seperately or in conjunction with one or both of the others. But, being "human" types of love, they tend to wither and die, as all things human must die. Unless they find a way to be cohesive to each other, by a bond beyond human strength and understanding, it is their destiny to dissolve, dissipate, and die. Fortunately..there is a Supernatural Element that can and does bond the three loves together in an Eternal way. That Supernatural Glue is Agape Love, or...God's Love.

Corinthians 13
Love

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Apostle Paul gave to the world the most beautiful explanation on what love truly comprises. His words cannot be surpassed by any song, any love letter, any book, any poem, or any movie. His words are Eternal words, for they speak of God, and God's Love...Agape.

Agape is God's Love. Unlike a human love, Agape cannot die...for God cannot die. God is Eternal, and therefore, His Love is Eternal as well. Agape is also PERECT, it is UNCONDITIONAL, it is COMPLETELY FORGIVING. No human being that I am aware of, aside from Jesus Christ, had or has, or ever will have, the ability to love in this manner. How, then, can we experience Agape? How can we possibly join our human loves to God's Love? We can't. But God can...and will...if we will let Him. God is the CREATOR of LOVE. He knows how the story ends, because He wrote the Book on Love. And, if we trust Him, learn from Him, follow His teachings and His ways, then we too can share in His Agape Love...just as we too can share in His Eternal Life being finite men that one day must die.

We as humans can never completely know Agape in this life time, for we cannot completely know God in this lifetime. It is impossible. But, God knows us..each one of us...personally. And, He loves us...all of us..unconditionally, perfectly, totally, and undyingly. The major difference between Agape Love and all the others is this: Agape loves for loves sake. It expects no rewards, it wants nothing in return...except that love be given back to it. And the neat thing is that the more you give back to Agape, the MORE you receive in return. It is an unending well of strength and supply from which to draw, and if a couple can tap into this Well, their love will be an Eternal Love.

God, I praise you for love. And when I praise for love, I know I am praising You. For You are love. Nothing in this world feels better than love, and in essence, nothing feels better than YOU. I know that when I am loving someone else, I am not only loving You, I am giving You to another, and they are giving You to me. Thank you for your unconditional love for me, that you love me even in my imperfections. Today I praise you for the biggest part of our existance: LOVE.

Two days of Praises - Praise for Blogs

2006-06-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

So, I've been away from my computer this weekend, and I missed my daily praise. So today I will give two lighthearted blog praises, but praises just the same.

Yes, it seems silly. But praise God for Post Secret. I smile at some, feel sad for others, and relate with a couple that I hold as secrets, too. Every Sunday they post new secrets, and every Sunday I faithfully check them out.

Another blog I am praising God for is A New Life Emerging. This guy is so completely inspiring, and just amazes me with his faith and knowledge. I strive for a spirit like his. I encourage anyone reading this to check him out regularly.

Anyway, in general, I praise God for the blogging world. I started this a year and a half ago as a totally different person. It's interesting reading through past blogs and seeing how much I've grown and changed. I've questioned many things through this blog. And I've even some to some answers in this blog. Someday I will feel the need to stop blogging. But for now, I'm still here and growing with it.

Praise for Girlriends

2006-06-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

There's this one "Sex and the City" episode where Carrie is in Paris, after moving there with her boyfriend. And she happens upon this cafe where 4 french women are having lunch together, much like she used to do with her girlfriends back in New York. And she realizes how much she misses them in this strange country where she only knows the man she moved with.

Today I praise God for girlfriends in general. These past two years of being divorced, I have discovered the importance of my relationships with friends. During my marriage, I did not have any close friendships. I had one girlfriend, Wendy, who kept in contact with my unfailingly. And I did not know how to be close to her and confide in her. Since my failed marriage, friends have been popping up out of the woodwork, old and new. And without them, I do not see how I could have survived this. Wendy has still been there for me, and the relationship has definitely strengthened. Lori has been there for me through my custody battle, and as a true confidante through my struggles with all this. New friends through an old homegroup, Gina, Donnell, and more, have been girlfriends that have helped me grow. I've been having much more fun, have girls I can call on a whim to bitch to, laugh with, support and be supported, and just have that female companionship that every woman needs in their lives. Love relationships are wonderful, but those you share with those of your same sex are vital to live and relate with. Having girlfriends has given me a life filled with fun and sisterhood. Praise God for girlfriends!!!

Praise for THIS GIRL

2006-06-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

(Yes Gina, I raped your MySpace for some pictures.....)

I praise God for friends, but I praise God today for Gina.

I remember the first time I saw Gina. She was one of the singers on the church worship team. And I thought she was just beautiful. Gina had a more alternative look to her, not a look you normally see on the stage at church, but not classless either. I admired her, her originality. But I never actually got to meet her until we started going to the same church "homegroup". Of all things, it was the marriage class. She was there for tools in a future marriage. I was there for tools in a hopeless marriage. But still, we didn't get to know one another. It wasn't until I started going to a different homegroup after the breakup of my marriage, one aimed at people my own age, that I actually got to MEET Gina.

Gina and I clicked right away as soon as we got to know each other. I'd like to say we shared the same passion for God, but I found hers to be much more pure. Gina would hold these worship nights at her house once a month, inviting people over to her house. Here's one worship night that she held a year ago as an example. I found these nights to be so God-filled and inspiring. I'd ask Gina how she came up with these ideas, and she'd give all glory to God, professing that she would wait for God's word. Sometimes his word didn't come until last minute, and still she'd throw together these awesome worship nights. She did this for a whole year, as God instructed her to, and then stopped. For good? I don't know. I do know I miss those nights. I also know that when I am around Gina, her passion for God still inspires me.

Gina has a rock solid faith. This is what I see. She loves God with all her being. She holds the same frustrations as I tend to hold, but the difference between her and me is she does something more than complain about it. While I can blog about such and such disgruntlement I am feeling, she goes out and forms a new group, actively worships, emanates GOD. Sometimes when I am around her, I hope that her spirit will rub off on me.

Gina is unbelievable creative. In worship, she has this amazingly sweet voice that carries us all. She also plays the picalo during some songs. She takes great photos. She is a talented artist. Her worship nights were even more inspiring thanks to her God-given gifts of creativity and artisticness (that might be a Crissi-ism...). I don't want to say I am envious....

Gina has this laugh that is infectious. Her sense of humor is pretty corny, she totally matches my own. And when she laughs, she laughs with her whole being.

This year, Gina went through the heartbreak of losing someone she loved through a hard break-up. I know what that's like. When I went through the same thing two years ago, I must have laid on the couch without eating for months. I made mistake after mistake in desperation. I was in poor shape. It took over a year for me to get on the healing side of the break-up. Gina, though this is an extremely hard trial for her, does not wear her pain on her sleeve. She doesn't deny it. But she is still alive. She still made it a point to live her life as she did before: worshipping, creating, being a friend. Through this, I saw an amazing strength in her, more so than before. She still laughed, consoled, had faith. She doesn't see her strength. I think she's one of the strongest people I know.

Gina is hellbent on sharing Jesus by SHOWING Jesus. She agrees with me that this speaks louder than words. Gina SHOWS Jesus by her unfailing love and compassion.

When I began seeing someone who practiced Buddhism, I was afraid to tell anyone in my church for fear of the backlash I would get for dating outside my faith. But I knew I could talk to Gina about him. When I knew that I loved him, she was overjoyed for me. Even with all she's going through. Even though he is not Christian. She saw what was important for me, that someone loved me and truly cared for me the way I'd always wanted to be loved and cared for, and that I was truly happy.

Gina has been there for me through all my crap. I consider her one of my best friends, the one who gets to see all of me unashamedly, for she holds no judgment. Gina, I love you, and I praise God for you, and for allowing me the honor of being your friend!

Her love
for God
inspires me.
I cannot
fathom
how
this much
FAITH
can live
in one person.
Beautiful.
Inspiring.
Giving.
Selfless.
She
captures
anyone within
soul's reach.
I am in awe.

Praise for the Night

2006-06-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

"Fireflies, sparks, lightning, stars,
Campfires, the moon, headlights on cars
The Northern Lights and The Milky Way
You can’t see that stuff in the day

When the earth turns its back on the sun
The stars come out and the planets
Start to run around
They call that day is done
But really it’s just getting started
Some folks take comfort in that

How dark is it
It’s too dark for goblins
How dark is it
It’s so dark you can smell the moon
How dark is it
It’s so dark the wind gets lost
How dark is it
It’s so dark the sky’s on fire
How dark is it
It’s so dark you can see Ft. Worth from here...."
Guy Clark, "The Dark"

Praise God for the night. There is something special about nighttime, after everyone has gone to bed, and it's just me, God, a cat swirling around my ankles, and the night sky that goes on forever and ever. It is in these moments when I realize just how big God is, and how small he is too at the same time. It is in this moment that I see God in everything.

I am fortunate where I live. There are no city lights impeding my view of the night sky. You can see millions of stars from where I live. You can see the Milky Way clearly. If you stand out there long enough, you can see several meteors making their way across the sky. It is in this moment that I can talk the most clearly with God. Sometimes I sing to Him. Sometimes I pray outloud, praising Him. Sometimes I just breathe Him in.

At night, the driveway is still warm from the heat it has gathered during the day. I sit cross-legged on the asphalt and allow my old cat to climb into my lap. Usually she is skittish, and won't let anyone pet her. But it's as if she waits for me to come out there for my nightly ritual. And there she is, her small meow reminding me it is time to sit down and allow her into my God time. First she tentatively places a paw on my leg. Then she kneads my thigh like she's a kitten again. Then she cautiously steps into my lap and curls up, burying her head into my stomach and allows me to massage her head while she chirps happily. She's my baby again, as she was 13 years ago.

Thank you God for this safe place you have put me in. Thank you for the starry nightsky you have created, almost as if it were for my enjoyment alone. I praise you and everything you have created, for you are in all of it.

Praise for Work

2006-06-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Yes. You read correctly. Praise God for work. And not just any work. Praise God for MY job.

My job consists of researching property history, taking pictures of houses while driving all over Sonoma County and beyond (which means cranking up the stereo and enjoying the scenery), being invited into the most beautiful homes you could imagine, and comfortably typing up reports from the comfort of my own home. Most days I am typing up at my kitchen table. Beautiful days like today, I type up outside on the patio furniture, wearing nothing but my swimsuit as I "multi-task": type up and work on my tan. My arms are looking nice and brown. My back, well, it's a little lobsterish right now. But not having to sit in a windowless cubicle with the air conditioning as my only source of air? Priceless.

But besides that, I am fortunate to have a job right now. It doesn't pay well at the moment. I am broke more often than not. But I have a promising future ahead of me. And there are so many people out there who do not have jobs, and not for lack of seeking one out.

So, thank you God for giving me a good job, one I enjoy and one that will give me the future I am planning for.

Praise for Motherhood

2006-06-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

To go with Danielle in her 40 Days of Praise, this will be the beginning of my Praise Blog for the next 40 days (give or take a few due to absence from the computer....). I have so much to be thankful for, this should be no problem at all!

(I know this is a repeat picture, at least I believe it is.
But the look on their faces is radiating such joy,
I couldn't find one more perfect)

Today, I praise God that I am a mother. There are so many women out there who are unable to have children, and I thank God all the time that he blessed me with fertility. I have always known I've wanted to be a mom. And God blessed me with the patience, the learned lessons, all the tools I need to raise these children up right. And He gave me such wonderful children, at that.

Lucas, while his energy can drive me bonkers at times, has this drive that I can only marvel at. He is good at every sport he attempts, he's super fast, he's not much for lying around, as he's always on the go. But even in all that, he always takes time to stop and give me a big hug, for no reason at all. Then he's off again. He's very easy going, and generally a happy child, and ever so loving. He has a soft spot for younger children, and even as rough as he can play, he is aware of those younger than him and makes sure to be gentler around them.

Summer, my oldest, is going to be a great mother herself one day. While she can be bossy with Lucas, I see her genuinely watching out for him. She is very protective of him and makes sure he is safe at all times. Sometimes I have to remind her that she can be 8 years old, not 28! And Summer is so smart! She reads so well, novels and everything. She enjoys learning, and school comes easy for her. I used to feel guilty that I didn't get so hands on with her school work, she always seemed to finish her homework before she even got home from school. I hardly ever practiced spelling words with her, or made sure her reading log was filled out correctly. But she'd come home with A's on her spelling, and her reading log was always turned in correctly. The girl has a good head on her shoulders. I praise God for her genuine goodness, that even after all she's been through, she is such a good girl who aims to do her best. I admire the strength I see in her, the wisdom she possesses beyond her years. She's capable of so much that I have to remind myself that she is still just 8 years old.

And lastly, I praise and thank God for any future children I will have in my life, stepchildren and children that my future husband and I will create together.

Thank you God for my wonderful children, for this blessed gift of motherhood. Of anything I could be in my life, being a mother is what I wanted most, and am most proud of. And I praise you for this.

In the Sun

2006-06-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
Joseph Arthur, "In the Sun"

Life Testament: Old and New

2006-06-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

There are times when I love to just sit back with the bible and get into the Old Testament. It is so interesting to read about the people of so long ago, the stories of their lives, and muse about what they were going through. They were human like me, with human emotions, going through human struggles as we all do. But those of God's choosing did so on a closer playing field with God, a God who revealed Himself to His people openly. I like to think about what it must be like to be them. What was the fear Abraham must have felt as he led his only son, Isaac, up on the mountain to sacrifice at God's command? Did Moses question his sanity as he communicated with a burning bush? Would I have joined the Jews in dancing around a golden calf, handing over my gold to help create it? I can only imagine the heartache Samson felt when the woman he loved betrayed him. Or the fear Adam and Eve felt when they sinned for the very first time.

In the Old Testament, God was shown as a strict and terrifying God. He loved His people, yes. But he also rained wrath on them for punishment. Karma definitely existed in the way that God dished out sinner's punishments here on earth. The Jewish people were given rules and were set apart from others to keep themselves holy. If they sinned, they were to atone for their sins through a pure sacrifice. Otherwise, their sin remained on them.

The GOOD NEWS of the New Testament is with the life and death of Jesus, everything changed.

Jesus is our sacrifice, one who is pure and good, and pleasing to the Lord. Through Jesus, all our sins are forgiven and we will join Him one day in the next world. But you know what also happened with the sacrifice of Jesus? The Old Testament became a history, and the New Testament became our gospel. And it's confusing when scripture from the Old Testament is used to prove a point, especially when used out of context, when Jesus changed all of that. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty in the Old Testament that I read and get insight from. The suffering of Job, I learn from his continued faith though everything was stripped from him. The wisdom in Proverbs, though I take some and leave some. The beauty in Psalms, some of which could have been written in my soul. But then there comes Leviticus, with some very clear cut rules and guidelines, and ways to atone for sins and making oneself pure and clean again. First off, many of these guidelines must have been in place to keep these people alive. Diseases were very easy to come by, and there were clear guidelines on how one must deal with things such as leprosy, childbirth, etc. To touch an open sore would mean one would be unclean. If one is unclean, they are not to be touched or to touch others, and anything they touch is deemed unclean and was to be destroyed. This must have been in place to prevent the spread of this disease, as well as to keep the dwelling place of the Lord clean and holy. But there are other rules as well. To name a few....

"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." Lev. 19:27
"Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." Lev. 19:28

2,000+ years ago, everything changed. A child was conceived in an unwed mother, who was told by an angel that this was to be the son of God. This child grew to be a man who preached on God's love, and that we were God's children. Through Jesus, God became known not for His anger at human's shortcomings, but for LOVE of His creation. Jesus taught us true holiness, best shown by how He lived His life. Jesus was a true example of how one looks when the spirit resides in them. His life was created to allow us to model our lives after Him. And His life was created so He would lose it for OUR sins and shortcomings. Through Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, we are saved. And through Jesus, we no longer have to be PERFECT to enter the kingdom of Heaven. Through Jesus, the Old Testament became a history, and the New Testament became gospel.

I wrote a blog entry one day back in November in frustration at my anger over Christianity, and my hatred of the Old Testament, how God was portrayed as an angry God that I could not understand. I was at odds with myself over my life and how it should look for God's sake, and was in misery. It was a very hard time in my life where I felt alone in this world, angry at the way it seemed holiness was only achieved by following a bunch of rules, and I felt almost abandoned by God. In this particular entry I wrote: "There are times when I am so angry at God, at how his judgement will never find me, or the rest of the world, holy. I hate how big he is, and how invisible I feel at times. I hate the whole old testament, and what man has made of it. I hate how confusing the whole thing is." For this entry, and especially for this statement, my name was used in several circles by people who were appalled that I would dare write, much less feel, such a thing. I have since come to terms with the Old Testament, seeing it for what it is: a book that records our history, where we came from, possesses beauty and wisdom, and lets us in on a time before Jesus existed, when humans had many hoops to go through to be accepted by God.

Because of Jesus, we are accepted by God because He created us. No hoops. No rituals. No silly laws to keep us clean and make us holy. We belong to God as we are. Because of Jesus, we get a personal relationship with God, a God of love and not of wrath. And even in these trying times where war and suffering and poverty seem to surround us at every corner, because of Jesus we have a hope in, a trust in, and a connection to God that many of the ordinary people in the Old Testament could not fathom. Through Jesus, we have a New Testament for our lives.

Love your Neighbor

2006-05-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"
He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Luke 10:25-28

I have been contemplating and praying a lot on what God means to me. And in that, I've been thinking a lot about the Trinity. Primarily, I've done a lot of focusing on the Spirit within, as well as the God that surrounds me. It's easy to think about Jesus, as God being man. I am human, through Jesus, God became someone we could relate to. But God has been really speaking to me, urging me to seek Him out inside of me and all around me.

In Buddhism, it is a common misnomer that they practice a religion of no God. On the contrary, they do believe in God. Much like Christianity, they practice a Trinity, what's called "Dharmakâya". They practice that God is within us, as well as the God in others, and even the God in all we see. When they pray, they honor the God within. When they see others, whether good or bad, they see the God within them. Honoring them by peace and neighborly conduct is honoring God. They practice the heavenly manifestation of Buddha, who became enlightened with God within, much like we as Christians honor the resurrected Jesus. The third is "Nirmânakâya", God as man, like in Christianity, where we believe that God became man through Jesus Christ.

Of course, Buddhism is different from Christianity, and their Trinity is no exception. But the concept I find fascinating is praising God within and God around us. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." This is the first commandment. "Love your neighbor as yourself." This is the second commandment. Where is God? He is in us. He is in our neighbor. He is all around us. "Love the Lord with all your heart"? Love your neighbor. And the other commandments? "Honor Father and Mother" Love your neighbor. "Do not steal" Love your neighbor. "Do not murder." Love your neighbor. Do you want to praise God? LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR.

God is within us. God is all around us. He is in the air we breathe. He is in the ground we walk on. He is in the birds, the flowers, the deer, the trees, even the house we live in and the bed we sleep on. God is in everything. And God is in every single person on this earth, whether they acknowledge that or not. He is even in people we don't feel we can love, or in people of other faiths. Who is our neighbor? Jesus answered this in the final part of this parable, Luke 10:30-37:

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Who are our neighbors? Everyone. Regardless of status, culture, RELIGION, walk of life, what we perceive as sin, any difference between you and them. Your neighbors are all around you. Love your neighbor. And if you love your neighbor, you are loving God.

Feeling closest to God.

2006-05-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Granted, I don't feel close to God when I'm with my horse. My horse is my friend when I am going to give her food. But, the gist is the same. I feel closer to God when I am outside, alone, and in nature, enjoying God's creation. I feel closer to God after everyone is asleep and I get the chance to talk candidly with God while looking up at the massive sky of stars. I feel closer to God when I am extremely happy, whether it on a wonderful Saturday afternoon with my children, or cuddling with someone I love. I feel closer with God when I am singing God's praises and recalling all my blessings, than I do being told about God in a sermon.

But I think this is ok. I think this is how it is supposed to be.

The thing that this postcard's author missed is that God is with us all week long. And sometimes "church" is not on Sunday, but out in a field with the very thing that makes us whole. In her case, her horse. My purpose for church is to learn about God, and to receive that necessary reminder to open my Bible midweek and read His word. I do not believe church is necessary to be close to God. It might not even be right for some people. That's ok. When it's not right for me, I don't go. That's ok. What is necessary is to seek God out OUTSIDE of church, and not just on our weekly church day. God is not only in church. He is in us. Always. That means He is ALWAYS with us, not just when a pastor/priest/etc, is telling us about Him, and asking us to turn to such and such scripture.

I think about God every day. The majority of my day is in conversation with God. Even when I am not talking directly with God, when I am talking to someone else or just in a time of silence, God is in on it. He is always at my side, even at times when he is more distant than anything. Even in my times of not feeling Him, I know He is still there, but just silently observing. When I don't call on Him, He is there, waiting for me to call on Him. And that makes me happy.

I feel closer to God when I am me. And I think that is what the postcard's author is really saying.

Revelling in the Spirit

2006-05-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today is such a beautiful day. I have spent it in a mixture of responsibility (work, cleaning, errands) and a day for myself (reading, meditating, praying, enjoying the outside). It feels like a perfect day to get back in touch with myself. And it is a perfect day to get back in touch with God. I have been feeling so spiritual today, as if I'm on fire, as if I am actually glowing. I started out in Sebastopol. I went to my favorite coffee shop, Coffee Catz. I sat outside with this book I'm reading, The Mystic Heart, and a great cup of coffee. And all the turmoil I've been feeling over my spirituality suddenly was washed away. I heard God speaking to me with each page, every word just making sudden sense to my soul. I want to speak more about it, but I'll do that on another day. Today I am revelling in it in silence.

This afternoon, after stripping my bed for the wash, and getting some urgent work-related phone-calls out of the way, I sat out in my backyard and just enjoyed this God-given nature. The wisteria in the backyard is in full bloom, and the bees were humming in ecstasy. Black birds were gathering the straw and various materials needed for their nests. Just a few weeks ago they were busy flirting with each other, now they are settling into creating their homes with each other. A lone hawk was circling above, using the same current that was coming upon me in a light breeze. And it let out its cry, which echoed into the valley and rested in my ears. And we were all connected. And I felt God around me, in me, of me. It all made sense. Everything is God. He is above us and sees us. He is in us, we are of Him, and He feels us and we feel Him. The earth, humanity, the air, the water, it is all God. All the differences we feel with others, we are not so different. We are all made of the same material by the same God, with the same Spirit inside of us. And while some of us feel it and some of us ignore it, that Spirit is there just the same. It is how we move. It is how we think. It is how we feel. It is how we laugh, cry, love, anger, nurture, relate with ourselves and one another. It is what makes our skin tingle when we "GET IT". It is the warmth we feel when God is bursting in us. It's the sensuality we feel when we are in love with the world. It's the good and it's the bad. It's all that makes us alive.

The Spirit is in me. I'd thought it to be lost. It was there all the time. I was just pushing it away. God resides in me, and I feel Him again.

Court....

2006-05-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Lori, thank you for your support and friendship! Today was an awesome day! God was there. And He prevailed. I think I've lost 10 more pounds, cuz all of a sudden I feel much lighter!

His response, God's response

2006-05-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like including my ex-husband's name in here anymore, so from here on out, he will be referred to as "Ex".

Yesterday, I got a response from the temporary restraining order I have against Ex. I tell you, not having contact with him has made me wane a little bit. I know the kids miss their dad. I want what's best for him, but I do not want them to be corrupted by him, to be influenced by him while he is how he is. And while I really doubt he'll change, I at least want him to get some help so he has the chance to start making better choices in favor of his children. But I had started to feel ridiculous in this whole fight against him. And it's not really a fight against him, it's a fight for our children. But it was beginning to feel like a fight against him, and I'm positive that's how he's viewing it.

That was before the response came. I actually expected as such, but it was still a shock as I read it over. He denied ever laying a hand on me. Ever. He denied ever hurting Summer. He even picked apart my declaration to try to prove I was lying. He included letters I had written him, letters begging for him back after we had separated and he had found his next victim. He had included these letters before, and was resubmitting them to prove that he must not have abused me. It's like I said, if he can't make himself look better, he's going to make me look worse. And he wanted me to look as pathetic as possible. As I read it, I was fuming. Victim me came back, and I felt like everyone in that courtroom was going to look at me like I was a fool and look at him like he was righteous. I felt like, how dare he! Didn't he owe me? Didn't he owe his children? And to boot, he was demanding that custody stay the same, that he still get weekly visitation. I called my lawyer, who wasn't in her office. I left her a voice-mail that she probably won't get until Monday morning, and we have court that afternoon. And still fuming, I left to go get my son from preschool.

But a funny thing happened while driving. I suddenly felt this urge just to let it go. I know that God was taking extra measures to let me know that He could handle it, reminding me to put my faith in Him. All that faithlessness I had suffered weeks ago, well, it served as a reminder now to just give it to God. So I did. And this is what came to me. It doesn't matter if Ex denies he ever hurt me physically. It doesn't matter that the court might not care about the abuse, or claim that there's just not enough evidence against him for such. The letters? They don't matter. These are not all the issues at hand. The issue at hand is Ex got extremely drunk while the kids were in his custody, and threatened police with a baseball bat and a gun IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN when all they initially came to do was to assess the situation and talk to him, and dared the police to shoot him dead IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN. If it weren't for my children being there, I know the police would have shot him. (And in some ways, I wish they had taken out a knee cap or a shoulder or something, just to take away from his apparent invincibility. But that would have completely traumatized the kids.)

God reminded me that this already is in his hands. At this point, the most I can do is stress over it, and that's not likely to result in any action. So I let the Lord take the weight off me, and I even smiled. This will all be okay on Monday. I prayed to God to please open the judge's eyes to only what was best for the kids, and not the best interest of me or Ex. And I prayed that I will keep my eyes open to what's best for the kids, and if I am lacking, to give me the wisdom to see as such.

I also feel better knowing that I have a lawyer present to argue on my behalf, so I am a little less stressed than I was two weeks ago. But I have to admit that part of me is thinking over how I would argue this. But this is probably why I SHOULDN"T be arguing my case, because there is so much of my emotion involved. So while I will be actively presenting all the facts, this is just in God's hands as to how it will be presented, and how it will be received. And every time I start to stress about this whole case and the details of it, I remind myself that I already gave it to God, that He will worry about the details. And I am relieved once again.